From May 30 & 31

In the world tennis, at the French Open, all of the United States’ male players were eliminated by the end of the second round. Even though they are clearly out of the competition, President Bush immediately insisted that the American players stay over there and take on any lunatic who wanders out on to the court for as long as it takes until we win.

The president then asked Congress for $70 million to send the players new rackets, wristbands, and sneakers.

Haliburton got the contract to make 5,000 new tennis balls for a cost of $17 million. They really do have a lot of balls, don’t they?



President Bush has nominated diplomat Robert Zoellick to be the new president of the World Bank. Bush said he chose Zoellick because of his pencil-thin moustache and matching ability to walk up to the bank counter with a “Yeeeesss?”



A Kansas City book shop owner decided to have a book-burning as a protest to the decline of reading in America. The stunt made the newspapers, but not television, so sadly, almost nobody knows about it.



In an amazing heist, an 18-karot, solid-gold bathtub worth almost $1 million was stolen from a 10th floor hotel room in Japan. Why would anyone need a million dollar, golden bath tub? Especially when there are places where, for like 50 bucks I hear you can get a golden shower.



One of the world’s biggest spammers, has been arrested and charged with mail fraud, web fraud, identity theft and other charges. How do you enact justice on a guy like this? Jail? He’s a computer nerd. He sits in front of his keyboard in total isolation from other people all day in one room.

The only difference between home and prison is that he won’t live directly beneath his parents anymore.



Paula Abdul says that she found her purpose in life on American Idol. Yes, more than being a singer, dancer, or choreographer, she wanted to give the world the joy that only sound bites of slurred non-sequitors can.

Or, at least, in this millennium, she wanted to be more relevant than Lisa Lisa and the Cult Jam.




The National Spelling Bee is underway in Washington, and the favorite to win, 13 year old, 5 time champion 13-year-old Samir Patel was surprisingly eliminated in the fifth round. The real disappointment to his fans is the rumors that he had started using spelling-enhancing drugs.

--Or as it’s known on the street, Vitamin E. (They say it’s good for brain functions.)