Screen legend Elizabeth Taylor has died at the age of 79. The following tribute/roast is lovingly written in the voice of her longtime (comedic) "critic," Joan Rivers:
JOAN:
"I can’t believe Elizabeth Taylor died. May she rest in peace. All I can say is, they’d better not cremate her. She’d gotten so fat her ashes would overflow out of the urn.
"She was a pig. If they want to find a coffin big enough for her to fit in, they’re going to have to raise the Titanic.
"Liz was like the
"And speaking of giant holes…
"What a slut! Liz Taylor was like the Beverly Hills Hotel ballroom: every
"Can we talk? She had so many husbands, her vagina didn’t have labia. It had a revolving door.
"She married more people than most ordained ministers.
"A lot of people thought she was American, but she was born in
"But I have to hand it to her, she got a lot of press. Liz was the original tabloid queen, always in the gossip pages. There was more ink on her than Kat Von D.
"Then finally, after 8 husbands, she gave up on men and started hanging out with Michael Jackson.
"Talk about being past her prime. She was just like a dollar bill: old, wrinkled, and obsolete.
"She played Cleopatra in 1963, but for the past 20 years she’s looked like a mummy.
"Can we talk about her age? Liz became a star by the time she was 16, while the other stars in the Milky Way were still forming.
"She was old, okay. The only thing more archaic and irrelevant in entertainment is… me!
"Maybe I’m just jealous because Queen Elizabeth recognized her be making her a Dame. People don’t even recognize me as a woman.
"And Kim Kardashian will always be grateful for Liz’s famous perfume “Black Pearls.” Kim doesn’t wear the scent, but “Black pearls” is her nickname for her boyfriend’s testicles.
"Now that Elizabeth Taylor is gone, what am I going to make jokes about? Truly she was
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