“End of Negotiations” or "Captain's Final Log"

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/entertainment/post/2012/01/priceline-kills-off-william-shatners-negotiator-in-new-ad/1

Priceline is killing off pitchman William Shatner’s Priceline Negotiator character in an upcoming commercial.  Sure to be a ruse, the commercial must take place in an alternate timeline or the Mirror universe.

The killing will be done by deal-thirsty Klingons.

It is still unclear if Shatner will be replaced by the next generation spokesman, Patrick Stewart, a reimagining starring Chris Pine, or if the franchise will just be logically taken over by Leonard Nimoy.

“Navy Without Honors”

http://www.usatoday.com/news/military/2011-01-04-navy-lewd-videos_N.htm

Navy captain Owen Honors was removed from his command of the Aircraft Carrier Enterprise over a series videos he made for closed circuit-TV, laden with profanity, gay epithets, and sexually suggestive material. Command of the Enterprise will be returned to Captain James T. Kirk, who was previously removed for videos using racial epithets against Klingons.

Capt. Honors superiors said that the only place for this type of behavior in the U.S. military is mocking prisoners at Guantanamo Bay.

Scenes of miming masturbation were deemed offensive, but soon the end of Don’t Ask Don’t Tell will cause them to be redeemed as erotica.

Navy top brass say that the videos were so disturbing to the service of the men and women aboard that they must start their tours of duty over again.