Two elderly sisters in Connecticut may be headed to court over a $500,000 lottery jackpot which they wrote a contract to split. One sister is 83, the other is 87. Ladies, do you really need to go to court? I say you both just wait it out; winner take all.
Other family members hope that both sisters will forget the whole thing. Not just the dispute over the winnings, but the money, the lottery, and having a sister.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Monday, August 10, 2009
“Taxi Flyer”
NASA is offering $50 million of federal stimulus money as an award to the U.S. company who submits the best proposal for development of commercial passenger transportation into space. Several large corporations are pursuing it, but Taco Bell is the most likely to get you to blast off.
“Ups and Downs”
Passengers got stuck aboard a roller coaster for hours at Great America in the Santa Clara, CA today, with emergency crews scrambling to get them down. The park insists it is just keeping the promise of their “ride all day” pass.
The coaster turns riders upside down 6 times, but all the stuck passengers were right-side-up. The same could not be said of passengers coming out of the Tunnel of Love ride.
Since the coaster, called “The Inverter,” goes up, down, upside down, and now just stops completely without warning, it’s being renamed “The Economy.”
The coaster turns riders upside down 6 times, but all the stuck passengers were right-side-up. The same could not be said of passengers coming out of the Tunnel of Love ride.
Since the coaster, called “The Inverter,” goes up, down, upside down, and now just stops completely without warning, it’s being renamed “The Economy.”
“Sticking It to Them”
In China, the Communist Party is giving out yellow smiley face stickers in an attempt to pacify citizens and soften social unrest following last month’s ethnic riots, The stickers say, “A smile is the common language of all nationalities,” but they are only for Chinese people.
Though the primary issue is over ethnic riots, somehow no one thought yellow-faced stickers were racist.
The smiley face on the stickers may not calm everyone, and the slogan on the stickers may not bring everyone to harmony, but the L.S.D. probably helps.
Though the primary issue is over ethnic riots, somehow no one thought yellow-faced stickers were racist.
The smiley face on the stickers may not calm everyone, and the slogan on the stickers may not bring everyone to harmony, but the L.S.D. probably helps.
“Hanging by a Thread”
The Broadway musical based on Spiderman set to preview in February has suspended work on the New York production pending money problems. If things don’t improve, Peter Parker may have to pimp out Mary Jane.
To get out of their financial jam, producers are currently throwing everything at the wall to see what sticks, and then hangs upside down from it.
Additional financial backers may give Spiderman a leg up, but there’s no word yet on the other 7 legs.
To get out of their financial jam, producers are currently throwing everything at the wall to see what sticks, and then hangs upside down from it.
Additional financial backers may give Spiderman a leg up, but there’s no word yet on the other 7 legs.
Friday, August 7, 2009
“Paw Prints” or “Kitty a Sick Puppy”
A Florida man accused of downloading child pornography claims that while he away from his computer, his cat jumped on the keyboard and downloaded the images. The cat claims it was just looking for pussy.
Police did check the keyboard for paw-prints.
The man should just have gone to a cat house.
The man was charged possession of child pornography. The cat was charged for licking himself in public.
The cat will also be charged for downloading images of underage kittens.
The cat had also apparently hidden cameras in other cats’ litter boxes.
The cat also has a prior record for molesting a ball of yarn.
Police did check the keyboard for paw-prints.
The man should just have gone to a cat house.
The man was charged possession of child pornography. The cat was charged for licking himself in public.
The cat will also be charged for downloading images of underage kittens.
The cat had also apparently hidden cameras in other cats’ litter boxes.
The cat also has a prior record for molesting a ball of yarn.
“Confirmation Elation”
Sonya Sotomayor was confirmed as a Supreme Court Justice this week, becoming the first Hispanic to do so. A spokesman expressed the Latin American community’s happiness over the historic moment, saying, “Ai ai ai ai ai ai ai ai ai!!!”
“Kenya Refuse Such an Offer?”
A married Kenyan man has offered a bridal dowery of 40 goats and 20 cows to Chelsea Clinton to move to Kenya to become his second wife. Bill Clinton is now trying to negotiate Hillary into the deal.
Bill wants to find out if the cows are actual cows, or just the kind of women he goes for.
Bill wants to find out if the cows are actual cows, or just the kind of women he goes for.
“Dust to Dust”
A coroner’s report on the death of TV pitchman Billy Mays says that cocaine was a contributing factor in the heart attack that killed him. The message really hit home: if you use cocaine, you could become a loud, obnoxious commercial whore.
Thursday, August 6, 2009
“In Memoriam”
Film director John Hughes died of a heart attack in Manhattan Thursday at the age of 59. As the director of 1980’s movies such as Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, 16 Candles, and especially The Breakfast Club, Hughes will be remembered as a brain, a princess, an athlete, a basket case, and a criminal.
“Just Scratching the Surface”
Scientists have been able to isolate the cells that cause the sensation of itching and the need to scratch. Appropriately, they are calling them the VH1 Celeb-reality cells.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
“Paula Ab-done”
Paula Abdul announced by Twitter Tuesday night that she would not be returning to American Idol for its 9th season. Insiders say the move makes no sense from a creative or business perspective, proving it was an authentic tweet from Paula.
This is bad news for Simon Cowell, who will now have to flirt with and fondle Randy Jackson during commercials.
For that very reason, this is even worse news for Randy Jackson.
Kara Dioguardi will be returning to the show, since the FOX network found her popular among snarling harpies.
This is bad news for Simon Cowell, who will now have to flirt with and fondle Randy Jackson during commercials.
For that very reason, this is even worse news for Randy Jackson.
Kara Dioguardi will be returning to the show, since the FOX network found her popular among snarling harpies.
“EmergNC”
An Iowa 911 call center became the first in the nation to accept emergency text messages. Most of the texts received so far have been for emergency care for victims of strained thumb muscles.
Emergency operators will be able to get text information almost instantly, and then, while the texter waits for help, the operator can send them soothing emoticons.
Emergency operators will be able to get text information almost instantly, and then, while the texter waits for help, the operator can send them soothing emoticons.
“Panda Bears a Cub”
The San Diego Zoo’s panda Bai Yun has given birth to her fifth cub. The proud mother is doing well, and is glad she’s not in China, where the law allows only one baby.
This is Bai Yun’s 4th cub fathered by a panda named Gao Gao. Get a room, guys.
The baby weighs only 4 ounces, or about the equivalent of an Olsen twin.
This is Bai Yun’s 4th cub fathered by a panda named Gao Gao. Get a room, guys.
The baby weighs only 4 ounces, or about the equivalent of an Olsen twin.
“Police Action”
In a small Wyoming town, police tasered a 76-year-old man for disobeying orders as he drove an antique tractor in a parade. Historians say it’s the first case in Wyoming of anything interesting happening.
The antique tractor incident may be the Wyoming definition of a high-speed police chase.
The antique tractor incident may be the Wyoming definition of a high-speed police chase.
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
“Clinton to the Rescue”
Former President Bill Clinton flew to North Korea Tuesday and apologized on behalf of imprisoned journalists Laura Ling and Euna Lee so Kim Jong-Il would grant them a special pardon. Clinton did this for the obvious reason: a long flight back with two grateful, vulnerable women in a private plane.
Even when Clinton was president, he was a good negotiator, and even better at picking up women.
Clinton wanted to know the specs of the size of the plane's rear section. As everyone knows, he's always interested in a little tail.
Even when Clinton was president, he was a good negotiator, and even better at picking up women.
Clinton wanted to know the specs of the size of the plane's rear section. As everyone knows, he's always interested in a little tail.
“Have your Cake and Eat It, Too”
Tuesday was President Barack Obama’s 48th birthday. In the White House press room, he surprised correspondent Helen Thomas, who shares his birthday, with cupcakes. Those who didn’t get a cupcake turned on Thomas, denying her birthday and demanding she produce a birth certificate.
“In Custody”
It was reported yesterday that Michael Jackson’s mother, Katherine, was officially awarded custody of Michael’s three children. Court records show that Michael’s father Joe Jackson will not take a role raising the children. It’s about time those poor kids caught a break.
However, to be fair, over the last several difficult weeks, Joe has proven to be very caring and giving of attention in the nurturing his record label.
However, to be fair, over the last several difficult weeks, Joe has proven to be very caring and giving of attention in the nurturing his record label.
“Wood Glue”
A cheating husband lured to a motel was confronted by his wife and 3 other women who bound and blindfolded him, demanded to know which of them he loved, and super-glued his genitals to his stomach. The man said he was just sad that the women didn’t then engage is a lesbian orgy.
The woman each face criminal charges following the incident, although the victim only considers the demand for love and commitment to be torture.
The man and the super-glue have the same problem: they quickly get hard for anyone.
The super-gluing has resulted in a sexual assault charge, but it may be difficult to make it stick.
In a sad footnote, not having caught the incident on video has made Joey Greico of the TV Show “Cheaters” suicidal.
The woman each face criminal charges following the incident, although the victim only considers the demand for love and commitment to be torture.
The man and the super-glue have the same problem: they quickly get hard for anyone.
The super-gluing has resulted in a sexual assault charge, but it may be difficult to make it stick.
In a sad footnote, not having caught the incident on video has made Joey Greico of the TV Show “Cheaters” suicidal.
Friday, July 31, 2009
“House Money”
The House of Representatives approved an additional $2 billion for the “cash for clunkers” automotive program Friday, designed as an incentive for car-owners to trade in gas-guzzlers for more fuel efficient cars. The program is good for consumers, and great for the automakers that made the original clunkers.
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