“House Money”

The House of Representatives approved an additional $2 billion for the “cash for clunkers” automotive program Friday, designed as an incentive for car-owners to trade in gas-guzzlers for more fuel efficient cars. The program is good for consumers, and great for the automakers that made the original clunkers.

“Inflation”

Honda recalled 440,000 Accord and Civic models Friday over a safety hazard from a defective air-bag inflator. Meanwhile, American-made cars continue to thoroughly blow.

“X-Ray or X-Rated?”

In place of traditional metal detectors, the Transportation Security Administration will begin testing full body scanners at the Cleveland Airport next week. Controversy has already erupted over privacy issues, since the machines can see through clothing. Administrators responded by encouraging pretty women to start flying out of Cleveland.

“Job Skills”

Due to the recession, millions of Americans have undergone radical job changes. In fact, in the past year, both New York and Alaska saw a governor leave their job to become a laughingstock.

Are you listening, (SC Gov.) Mark Sanford?

“Jacksons’ Action”

Michael Jackson’s mother, Katherine, was awarded custody of Michael’s 3 children this week. It had been Michael’s wish that his children always remain with someone who looks nothing like any of them.

“Sperm-anant Press”

The scientific journal Nature retracted a study wherein British Scientists claimed to have created artificial sperm. The scientists say they will try again, hoping to make a come-back.

“Brief Mission”

Japanese astronaut Koicha Wakata returned from the International Space Station this week, where his mission included testing new underpants made for life in space. Their first discovery: when you ride up in space, your underwear rides up, too.

The underpants are made to be super-absorbent of sweat, insulated, quick-drying, and antibacterial. The only known design flaw is that they have not been able to make them wedgie-proof.

The real question was, in the tense moments leading up to a landing back on earth, coull the underwear handle a splashdown?

Space agencies are trying to extend the life of disposable garments used in space, since there isn’t a sufficient water supply to wash them. Dry cleaning is out of the question, based on the risk that the astronauts might forget their ticket.

The European Space Agency is way ahead of NASA in both the “not washing clothes” and “not bathing” areas.

Mr. Wakata did not change his underwear more than once a month during the test, an element described as the “mother’s shame” factor.

Japan was confident in Wakata’s piloting skills, as well, stating that he could land a space shuttle on any runway, without so much as leaving a skid mark.

As in previous shuttle missions, no one wanted to see a crack in the equipment.

Strict military rank and protocol prevent any astronauts from voluntarily “going commando.”

Following his return to Earth, Wakata was immediately debriefed.

“Protection Racket”

President Obama said that any health care bill he signs must also include consumer protections. For starters, everyone will get their own Secret Service.

“Slithering Heights”

Poison control centers have reported a sharp increase in snake bites this summer. Some experts says urban sprawl may be to blame. The danger lies where people build homes in the snakes’ natural environment, and then they get foreclosed and the snakes buy up the property.

The demand for anti-venom is up, also due to toxic home loans.

Unscrupulous mortgage lenders are not fazed by this, as most have been called far worse things than a snake.

“Dark News”

Research in 20 different studies all conclude that tanning beds increase risks for skin cancer by 75%. That’s comparable to the risk of lung cancer associated with smoking, just to show you how cool tanning is.

Cancer risks for those who don’t use sun-beds are pale by comparison.

Since tanning beds can cause melanoma, a potentially fatal form of skin cancer, users have begun using tanning beds with outside handles, for the convenience of the pall-bearers.

Some at risk for cancer argue that they may as well continue to go to tanning salons, instead of soaking up natural sunlight, because you can’t sue the sun.

Just a random grouping...

Since Michael Vick’s NFL reinstatement yesterday, he is waiting to see if any football teams want to hire him. The league has special restrictions imposed on him since completing his 18-month prison term, and they plan to keep Vick on a short leash.


Magic has caught on as a popular art form and huge business in China, with performances popping up everywhere and entertainers touring the country. The most popular magic act in China: The Incredible Shrinking U.S. Dollar.


A religious groups’ study found that most Mormons feel their values threatened by Hollywood. Meanwhile, a Hollywood study found that most Mormons also feel threatened by facts and common sense.

“A Heavy Burden”

The annual cost of obesity in America has soared to a record $147 billion, double the amount only 10 years ago. Apparently, when obese people are hungry, they will even eat money.

The figures are based on calculations for all medical-related expenses. Heart disease and diabetes account for a high percentage of the health costs, and the rest is from damages from busting through the doorways of the hospital cafeteria.

American doctors are sweating over these statistics, while their patients’ obese bodies are sweaty just from blinking.

American officials are looking for solutions to the problem of sedentary lifestyles. Professors will golf cart over all over campus to meet, or else Skype into these talks.

“Vick-torious”

Former Atlanta Falcons uarterback Michael Vick was reinstated to play football in the NFL Monday, followinghis 20-month prison term. Vick hopes to be signed for the upcoming season, and hopes that his past won’t continue to dog him.

“Calling the Cops”

President Obama called the police officer who arrested Harvard’s Professor Gates, and cited his initial comment that police “acted stupidly” an unfortunate word choice.” Obama said he didn’t mean to slight the police. He may be the president, but as a black man, he knows not to slight the police.

Obama was then followed by several Secret Service agents, all of whom deny racially profiling the president.

“Career Blown?”

In Florida, Fort Myers Beach, town council fired Scott Janke, the town manager, after discovering his wife is an adult film actress. Janke and his wife are now individually seeking brand new positions.

The council says they acted to avoid a news leak that the town manager’s wife worked in porn. Since then, politicians have been carefully analyzing the porn.

Experts say that had the town council done nothing, not only would the public be unaware of the adult film actress; they would never even have heard of Fort Myers Beach.

Janke’s will have to look for a new job, but not the kind his wife gives.

The town decided to screw Janke, since that’s what his wife was doing with everyone else.

Interestingly, this story features a man in a political career who didn’t have sex with someone other than his wife, but she had sex with others and her husband knew about it the whole time. It’s the reverse Mark Sanford.

“Artificial Turf”

A professor at the University of Tokyo has developed 2 robots that play baseball. So far, in slow pitch mode, one pitches 90% in the strike zone, and the other only swings at what’s in the strike zone and hits nearly 100% of those. Both robots, however, are regularly juiced with performance enhancing substances.

The pitching robot hand has only 3 fingers, so there is still a middle one to extend to an umpire.

If the robots get to be proficient as is hoped, maybe some day George Steinbrenner can fire them.

The robots are attracting a lot of attention. Half is from the scientific community, and the other half is from models who hope to become rich trophy wives.

The professor is working to perfect the ball-playing robots. In the next phase they are being programmed to spit tobacco.

Research has stalled briefly, as the robots are demanding more money.

In the future, with a whole team assembled, these robots may be able use a variety of different skills to kill John Conner and crush humanity.

“Winehouse off the Hook, and Probably the Wagon”

After hearing the case this week which alleged that Amy Winehouse had punched a fan during a photo op, a London judge acquitted Winehouse on the charge of assault. Now Amy can get back to her true calling: assaulting her own liver.

“If the Jersey Fits”

In New Jersey, an FBI sting operation led to the arrest of over 40 people including 3 mayors and 2 state legislators in a massive corruption bust. Now, when politicians talk about cleaning up the stink in New Jersey, they aren’t even being literal.

“Short Statement”

Amy Winehouse, who faced charges of punching a fan in the face, testified in a London court Thursday that she was too short to have punched the woman. By which she meant “short on booze.”

“Nitrate Rangers”

The Cancer Project, an anti-meat group, is suing to get hot dog packaging to be labeled with cancer warnings. Manufacturers think it’s sufficient to label their packages, “Warning: contains all the stuff that goes into hot dogs.”

The most likely cause of any processed meat related cancer is, of course, smoking meats.

Meanwhile, an anti-fossil fuels group is suing to get hot dog packaging to be labeled with gas warnings.