"Mightiest Movie"

http://movies.msn.com/movies/article.aspx?news=726281

The Avengers was the top movie at the box office this weekend, taking in a record-breaking $200 million its opening weekend.   This is a huge relief to Marvel Studios, who has to pay for all the damage the Hulk caused to cars and buildings in New York City.

With a global 12-day intake of over $640 million for the superhero team-up, even super-villains are saying, “To hell with robbing banks.  I’m going to use my powers for good – and just film it.”

"Nadya 'Solo' Suleman" or "OctoMom's Big 'O'"

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/05/07/octomom-nadya-suleman-porn-pornography_n_1495915.html

Octo-Mom Nadya Suleman began work on her first adult film last week, in which she will be performing solo. It makes sense, since she has already fallen so low.

In the film she has a scene where her body is covered in Spaghettio’s.  The O’s are an artistic, symbolic representation of her, of course.  O for Octomom, or big-round-‘O’-shaped- gaping-hole, take your pick.

Wanting her film to have an artistic feel, of course, for inspiration she turned to a Franco-American style.

The tile of the yet-to-be-completed film has not been released, but obviously it should be Octopussy.

“Fat Cat”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/ondeadline/post/2012/05/meow-a-39-pound-cat-dies-of-obesity-complications/1#.T6gzgOg192A

Meow, a cat who became famous because of his enormous weight, has died at the age of 2 years.  He weighs 39 lbs.  Not wanting to say he died from obesity complications, his owners are using the euphemism, “Marlon Brando Syndrome.”

The cat's owners were in denial about his health problems.  They thought he was purring when it was really a heart murmur.

Instead of milk, he'd drink a saucer of Haagen Daz.

Meow had always been the fattest of his litter, and didn’t have the healthiest habits.  For example, he really put on a lot of extra weight when he tried to quit smoking.

He was really heavy.  You know that saying “A cat always lands on its feet?”  His feet hated him for that.

He was so fat, a dog once bit him and contracted diabetes.

"Police Raid" or “Narcotics Division”

http://now.msn.com/now/0506-weed-police-academy.aspx

A police dispatcher  in Vermont showed up for training at the Police Academy with marijuana.  Of all the ranking officers there, she was the highest.

Her excuse was that she didn’t want to leave her pot in the car, where someone could steal it, making even more work for police.

She explained her mistake, saying “When I’m stoned, I mix up the words dispatch with dispensary.”

She had just gotten the marijuana from her local dispensary.  Which is her nickname for the evidence locker.

“What type of pot is this?  It’s labeled ‘Exhibit ‘A’.”

Odds and (Big) Ends

Kim Kardashian attended the White House Correspondents Dinner this past week.  Why not?  Among all those politicians, what's one more big ass?

The Secret Service has decided to assign chaperones to its agents on some foreign trips.  Secret Service agents said they don't mind chaperones, as long as they are hot ladies ready to party!

Jessica Simpson is spending $4,000 a night for the luxury hospital birthing suite where she gave birth to her new daughter.  And from the looks of things, Jessica, $3,000 of that is just to cover the cost of food.

“Something to Scream About”

http://specials.msn.com/a-list/news/scream-munch-painting-auction-popular-pages

The famous Edvard Munch painting “The Scream” sold at auction for nearly $120 million Wednesday, becoming the most expensive piece of art ever sold.   The buyer plans to make his money back by rendering the painting in HD.

An upset Mona Lisa denied being jealous, saying, “I’m worth as much as you if not more, Scream, except I don’t sell myself for money like a whore.”

"See It to Believe It" or Putting the ‘Eye’ in ‘Bionic’”

http://now.msn.com/living/0503-bionic-eye-blind.aspx

In an amazing new medical breakthrough,  British scientists have developed bionic eyes that can restore sight to certain patients who suffer from certain types of blindness.  Images appear in grainy black and white, but that’s still a vast improvement over nothing.  And, it’s a bonus if you are a fan of classic 1950’s TV shows.

The first patient, a man named Chris, is pleased with the results and his doctors say he is dojng extremely well.  On the downside, some friends say Chris just isn’t as cool without the dark sunglasses.  

"Hilton Claims to Defame"

http://www.thewrap.com/media/article/perez-hilton-sued-500k-over-angelina-jolie-ring-claim-38521

Blogger Perez Hilton is being sued for $500,000 for claiming on his website that the jeweler who designed Angelina Jolie’s engagement ring had been previously convictred of fraud.  Though, the real story here would be if a blogger actually had $500,000.

Perez said he would be willing to retract all claims and apologizing if Brad Pitt will marry him instead of Angelina.

“Newt’s News”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/onpolitics/post/2012/05/newt-gingrich-withdraw-impact-mitt-romney-rick-santorum/1#.T6G5cbM192D

Newt Gingrich formally suspended his presidential campaign today, making way for Mitt Romney’s GOP nomination.  Gingrich did not formally endorse Romney, but he’ll show support his own way.  He’ll have an affair with Romney, and then leave his current wife for him.

For the last several weeks, Gingrich has been fighting a losing battle, but wasn’t willing to give up.  It’s the exact opposite strategy he has been using regarding his weight.

“Fangs for Nothing.” or “Dental Damage”

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/04/28/dentist-pulls-all-exs-teeth-out_n_1461288.html

In Poland, a man who broke up with his dentist girlfriend still kept an appointment with her 2 days later, only to have her put him under and pull out all of his teeth.  She now faces 3 years in prison.  She may get off, as there are a lot of gaps in his story.

Now, of course, she has not only lost a boyfriend, she has lost a patient.

If she was smart, she saved the teeth so she can make them into a shiv in prison.

Like most boyfriends, he would have been fine if he had just kept his mouth shut.

In light of what happened to him, his dental insurance company is desperately trying to deny his claim.

On the bright side, his toothache won’t be a problem anymore.

Most people hearing about this were shocked.  Except John Wayne Bobbitt, who said, “Oh, big deal.”

“Dark Day” or “Orange You Sorry?”

http://usnews.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2012/05/02/11500434-new-jersey-tanning-mom-denies-charges-of-child-endangerment?lite

A New Jersey mother was arrested for child endangerment for allegedly bringing her young daughter to a tanning salon, which is illegal in New Jersey for children under 14. Over 14, it becomes mandatory.

The mother tans excessively herself, but her lawyer says the charges are racially motivated and the woman is simply being harassed for being an Umpa-Lumpa.

If convicted, the mother is going to fry.  If she gets off she’ll fry, too.  She tans that much.

The woman plans to fight the charges, is willing to go to Congress and wants to get John Boehner involved.  And if he’s not available, she at least wants his tan.

Another report of a little girl in New Jersey tanned to a point of cruelty surfaced, but it turns out it was only Snooki.

“Say ’Cheap’”

http://now.msn.com/now/0430-ikea-cardboard-camera.aspx

Ikea has come out with a digital camera made of cardboard.  It’s the perfect device for people who want a camera that’s easy to use, yet immediately falls apart.

It works perfectly well, but when you try to  print the pictures, you suddenly find your printer is missing vital screws and bolts.

When you look through the view finder, no matter how hard you try, you can’t quite fit everyone into the picture.

The nice thing about the cardboard body won’t break if it falls..  So it will be okay if you put it down on top of an Ikea table, causing the table to collapse under its weight.

The photos all come out as indecipherable, crude-graphics, black and white diagrams.

“Dirty, Dirty Bomb”

http://edition.cnn.com/2012/04/30/world/al-qaeda-documents-future/?hpt=hp_c1

CNN says that Maqsood Lodin, a suspected al-Qaida operative caught in Germany  was carrying a memory stick hidden in his underwear that had terrorist plans encoded  within a pornographic movie.  Security agents find the information on the sticks extremely valuable – and not just for the porn.

The plans include details for attacks on ships, bombings of hotels, and execution of civilians.  It almost makes you not want to search people’s underwear.

Thogh terrorists anger and hate are often hard to understand, security agents were able to confirm that the tiny memory stick was the biggest things in Maqsood’s underwear.

In a counter terror analysis of the material on the memory stick, the porno featured terrible acting and  a weak plot. 

Saddle Up

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/driveon/post/2012/04/man-sues-bmw-for-persistent-erection-after-bike-ride/1?csp=hf#.T57NVbM192A

A man claiming that a 4-hour-ride on his BMW motorcycle caused him to get an erection that hasn’t gone away for 20 months in now suing BMW for damages.   Though really, his wife is the one who just can’t take it anymore.

He’s suing for unspecified damages.  In fact, only his wife really feels the damage..

Apparently, since the 4-hour-ride, the man has been unable to shift into a lower gear.

Court documents say the speedometer showed that the man was accelerating fast, and then he tried to bury the needle.

The man is already inching toward a settlement.

His attorney says this case already has a long-standing precedent.

I don’t know how good his lawyer is.  They say he had trouble passing the bar.

If BMW loses, they may have to pay a stiff fine.

Some legal experts have said the evidence in the case is arousing… suspicion.

His condition does give him some advantages in court.  For example, when the judge enters, and the bailiff says “All rise,” he won’t even have to move.

Being in a continuous erect state, if the man goes to court, he does not intend to let his opponent get off too easily.

“News Man Makes News by Liking Dudes”

http://www.thewrap.com/media/article/cnn-host-comes-out-closet-27439

CNN anchor Don Lemon has revealed that he’s gay in a new memoir, titled Transparent.  Competitor Fox News immediately released a news report warning their viewers that CNN turns people gay.

In a related story, Anderson Cooper spent the day hiding in a CNN closet.

“Could Using your Cell Get You Put in a Cell?”

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/47197722/ns/us_news/

The U.S Secretary of Transportation called for a hearing on distracted driving Thursday, and wants a federal ban on cell phone use while driving.  There were more details about this story, but I couldn’t read them at the time I saw it because the light turned green and cars behind me started honking.

Most people will admit that driving really does distract them while they are trying to text.

“Cairo Calls for Corpse Coitus”

The Egyptian parliament has introduced a law allowing men to have sex with their dead wives for up to six hours after death.  The parliament sponsor calls it "The ultimate break-up sex."

Strongly objecting to the proposed law: ghosts.

Also not thrilled with this law: horny, living women.

This new law gives a whole new, creepy meaning to the observation, "Nice body."

In a related story, coroners are reminded to always wear rubber gloves.

Unfortunately, one of the grim side effects of the new law is that marital murder-suicide cases will now often become marital murder-the sex-then suicide cases.

Egypt's bumper sticker industry has already responded with the the message "If this coffin's rockin', don't bother knockin'."

The idea is based on the ancient Egyptian love fable of a dead queen and her lover, “The legend of NecroTiti.”

“Pee Stands for Park”

http://now.msn.com/living/0423-peeing-while-driving.aspx

According to a research study at Rhode Island Hospital, drivers who have to urinate really bad are impaired as much as if they had a blood alcohol level of .05.  Another good reason not to drink and drive.

Awareness of the problem is key, but so far it's an upstream battle.

"Flood of Offers"

http://www.thewrap.com/movies/article/russell-crowe-comes-aboard-darren-aronofskys-noah-37201

Russell Crowe has signed on to play Noah in Darren Aronofsky’s retelling of the biblical story of The Flood.  Tentative working title is Captain and Commander: the Prequel.

Russell says he looks forward to working with Aronofsky, but if any of the animals give him any trouble, he’ll punch them two by two.

There was already one moment of tension, when discussing the part he’d be playing in the movie, Russell thought he was God.

"Tour de Force Majeure"

http://www.thewrap.com/music/article/sinead-oconnor-cancels-2012-tour-because-bipolar-disorder-37232

Sinead O’Conner has cancelled all of her touring dates for the rest of 2012, citing issues with bipolar disorder.  Sinead was very sad to break the news.  Then  happy.  Then sad again.

Sinead hopes to reschedule the tour dates at a later time, and then cancel them again.

O’Conner’s doctor had advised her not to set up a tour in the first place.  Based on that alone critics understand that her doctor knows a lot about music.