Friday, June 15, 2007

From June 15th, 2007: Bob Barker's last show

Today was host Bob Barker’s final episode of The Price Is Right. The 83-year old game show icon is retiring after 35 years. Things get tough at that age. Every time Bob tries to pee, announcer Rich Fields has to call out, “Contents of Bob’s kidneys: come on down!”

He can’t control his bowels any more, either. Mid-sentence, he’ll just start walking away. When someone says, “Bob, where are you going?” He says, “I have to go make Plinko.”

You could tell is was getting to be time for him to retire when, every day on the show, when a contestant would spin the giant wheel, no matter what number it landed on, Bob would shout “Bingo!”

Age catches up with you. The other day Bob started driving a beautiful car on the stage, and started honking the horn and telling the audience to get out of the road.

It was an emotional day for fans of The Price Is Right. At the end of Bob Barker’s last show, the whole audience was invited onstage so Bob could personally spay or neuter them.

After the taping, Bob was, ironically, given some lovely parting gifts for being on the show.

Since he’s retiring, Bob issued a press release saying the following:
“I hope everyone realizes, they’re not called ‘Barker’s Beauties’ because I just worked with them.”

“Forget Price Is Right. What I really want to be remembered for is my performance in the movie Happy Gilmore.”

“I still see that female contestant in the tube top in my sleep.”

“Every pregnant animal I see is a personal failure.”

“Even at age 83, I can still kick Alex Trebek’s ass.”

Saturday, June 2, 2007

From June 1 & 2, 2007


Dr. Jack Kevorkian was released today after 8 years in prison. He had been convicted of second degree murder for an assisted suicide in Michigan. Now he is on parole and can’t assist in any more suicides. All he can do is suggest people take up smoking.

Shortly before being released form prison, Kevorkian says many of his personal possessions including his manuscript he’d been writing, were stolen. Of all the ironies; if he finds the thief, he isn’t even allowed kill him.

Kervorkian did toughen up in prison. He wasn’t just doing time. He was killing time.

Although he used to be known by the nickname “Dr. Death,” that ended the day he arrived in prison. Another inmate was already using that name.

Kevorkian’s famous suicide machine dispensed lethal dosages of drugs for a painless death. Maybe prison changed Dr. Kevorkian a little, but his new assisted suicide machine is a sharpened spatula stolen from the prison kitchen.

A Wisconsin church organist and choir leader was fired for having a second job as a saleslady for a sex toy company. The parish priest became very uncomfortable once her other job became public knowledge. She sells sex toys, so he doesn’t even want her near his organ anymore.

Anyway, after 35 years of mostly volunteer service, the priest just flat-out fired her. That’s the whole story. Because it is a church issue, it really doesn’t have any climax.

The organist even explained to the church’s vocal ensemble that the products she sells just help married couples. A spokesman for the group said, “Hey, you’re preaching to the choir.”

It’s a shame the two can’t patch up their differences, especially since they really have so much in common. They shared church administrative duties. They both love the music of the choir. And they both anoint things with oils.

The sad thing is the organist was just as dedicated to bringing the membership of the church to its feet each week with her music as she is to helping couples with sexual problems. Her personal motto is, “If I can just get one more member to stand up…”

U2 frontman Bono spoke glowingly about President Bush’s proposed $30 billion to fight AIDS around the world over the next 5 years. President Bush said that he was glad to help the cause, and to support Bono, saying, “Not only is he a former Congressman of California, but did you know he used to be married to Cher?”

Officials concerned that bears are coming closer to populated areas in search of food this season are advising people to store garbage in bear-proof containers, keep pet food dishes indoors, and empty bird feeders. This advice, however, was immediately dismissed as counter-productive by all birds.

In fact, a representative of the bird world was quickly quoted as saying, “Polly wants a cracker.”

And as if to flatter potential feeders, followed with, (wolf whistle).

Officials are doing everything they can to protect the public from bear attacks. Wildlife experts are trying to educate, park rangers are patroling campgrounds, and police are pulling over any bear driving a car erratically.

A Tennessee state trooper resigned last week ands may face charges related to receiving oral sex from a porn star he had stopped for speeding. She still got a citation for speeding. As for the charges against him, it already appears that he may have gotten off.

This is one policeman who really did give new meaning to the term Piece Officer.

I can’t believe he still give her a speeding ticket after she gave him oral sex. I mean, how fast was she?

Now the trooper may face criminal charges, and the porn star’s Hummer may be brought into evidence. And so might her vehicle.