“Hall of Television”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/entertainment/post/2012/06/arsenio-hall-returning-to-late-night-tv/1#.T9-vahc192A

Arsenio Hall will return to TV as the host of a new syndicated late-night talk show next year.  Though he’s been away from the format since 1994, Arsenio said, “I beat Johnny Carson before; I can do it again.”

 In geometric terms, this is the chance for the Triangle Head to come full circle.

The show is set to air in the fall of 2014, unless, by then, it’s been stolen by Jay Leno.

Arsenio is excited to come back to TV, but he’s really excited about doing it without Donald Trump.

Since Arsenio won this season's Celebrity Apprentice, he figures that now, he ought to become a celebrity again.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

Wishing all of my fan(s) and reader(s) a very happy and healthy Thanksgiving holiday.  I am thankful to have the chance to do what I love - to write jokes.  And I don't know if those who read them really enjoy them, but I like to believe that my jokes are viewed and laughed at daily by hundreds of men, women, children, and unicorns.  yes, I believe that unicorns can read and have the internet.
I am thankful that I live in a country where I have the freedom to poke fun at our government, our leaders, and the issues of the day, without fear of censorship or persecution.  And I am thankful that there are people who share my point of view and appreciate my humor and silliness.  And that a blog never reveals when I have something stuck in my teeth or write in my underwear.
I am thankful to my family, to my friends, to my supporters.  Most of all I am thankful to God, for my family, friends, and supporters.  And a special thank you to the politicians, the Real Housewives, The cast of Jersey Shore, and all the Kardashians, for making it so easy to come up with jokes during otherwise tough times.  If Comedy is like a Thanksgiving holiday for the mind, you are surely the turkeys.

NEWS RIFFS COMEDY IS BACK!

After a month-long hiatus, we are back watching the world, scanning the news, monitoring every detail, and of course, spying on the neighbors.


Stay tuned for the newest, latest, up-to-datest jokes covering everything that is happening on the funniest planet in our solar system (at least since Pluto was disqualified).


Remember to check back frequently to read and rate the very latest jokes.  


(That's 'latest' with a 't.'  Not lamest, no.)


Thank you for your continued support. 

“Charlie’s in Charge”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/entertainment/post/2011/07/charlie-sheen-lands-new-sitcom/1

Charlie Sheen has landed a new sitcom, Anger Management, based on the Jack Nicholson/Adam Sandler movie of the same title.  Sheen says he’s looking forward to the series because he thinks it’s a great concept, but really he’s looking forward to it because drugs and hookers are so expensive.

Charlie took the job because of the financial offer, as well as the chance to have more creative control, but mainly because the producers were crazy enough to hire him.

Catching More of this Week's Stories...

Last Sunday, a woman in a movie theater was stabbed in the neck with a meat thermometer after telling a fellow moviegoer to stop talking on their cell phone. According to the meat thermometer, the woman was already done.


A Santa Monica restaurant called "The Hump" has been accused of illegally selling sushi with whale meat. Fans of the restaurant did their legal defence no favour, standing outside the closed restaurant chanting "We want The Hump back!"


Earlier this week, a Mississippi school system after it cancelled a senior prom to prevent a lesbian student from wearing a tuxedo and bringing a same-sex date. Said a homophobic Mississippian: "If we let girls date girls and wear tuxedo-pants an' such, we might as well change our name from Mississippi to Dude-issippi."


On Thursday. a 55-year-old man broke into a church where he allegedly used the institution’s electronic equipment to watch pornography. The Church's priests were never suspected of having been the ones to view the pornography, because it wasn't gay porn.


A new study shows that kidney donors live as long, on average, as those who have not donated a kidney. The study was meant to reassure all those people who are waking up hung-over and naked, in a bathtub full of ice.


A New York woman who said her botched breast enhancement surgery left her looking like she had four breasts was awarded $3.5 million dollars for pain and suffering. Then she was sold to a dairy farm.


Four U.S. Senators are questioning the near-$1 million compensation for the CEO of the Boys and Girls Clubs of America, a non-profit that receives million in federal funding. Some aren’t surprised about the large sum, as the organization’s logo is a hand-over-fist.


Friday was International Women’s Day. The White House marked the occasion with a speech by Michelle Obama on progress in women’s issues. The rest of the country celebrated with “Two-for-one lap dances.”


A British research study found that women who take the birth control pill live longer than women who don’t. Said a British mother: “Of course women on the pill live longer. They don’t have kids to suck the life out of them day and night.”

Stuff in the News today...

Preorders for her pending book have already made Sarah Palin a bestselling author, weeks before the book’s scheduled November 17 release. As soon as the book arrives, Palin’s diehard fans will begin reading it, but then quit halfway through.



On Tuesday, Toyota issued a recall of 3.8 million cars driver side floor mats, which had caused the accelerator pedal to get stuck down, causing multiple crashes. It’s a shame, because just as the auto industry was turning around, they literally had the rug pulled from under them.



President Obama is in Denmark campaigning for Chicago to host the 2016 Olympics. His strongest argument: Chicago could certainly use the exercise.



Cirque du Soleil founder Guy Laliberte lifted off toward the International Space Station today, wearing a clown nose to make an important statement: Anyone following a clown into space should know that they have really, really big shoes to fill.

“Brief Mission” or “Fly Boys”

Aboard the International Space Station this week, Japanese astronaut Koicha Wakata’s mission includes testing new underpants made for life in space. The first problem, of course, is that in zero-gravity, underwear tends to ride up.

The underpants are made to be super-absorbent of sweat, insulated, quick-drying, and antibacterial. The only known design flaw is that they have not been able to make them wedgie-proof.
-This is a real disadvantage, since many space exploration scientists are vulnerable due to their classification as nerds.

The real question is, in the tense moments leading up to a landing back on earth, can the underwear handle a splashdown?

Space agencies are trying to extend the life of disposable garments used in space, since there isn’t a sufficient water supply to wash them. Dry cleaning is out of the question, based on the risk that the astronauts might forget their ticket.

The European Space Agency is way ahead of NASA in both the “not washing clothes” and “not bathing” areas.

Mr. Wakata cannot change the underwear more than once a week for the test, an element described as the “mother’s shame” factor.

Japan is confident in Wakata’s piloting skills, as well, stating that he could land a space shuttle on any runway, without so much as leaving a skid mark.

Strict military rank and protocol prevent any astronauts from voluntarily “going commando.”

Boob Jobs

In Rhode Island, where unemployment has hit 10.3%, strip club owners plan a job fair tomorrow to hire about 30 new people for 3 clubs. They are looking for ambitious, hard-working people, the type that are willing to bend over backwards to satisfy customers.

It just goes to show, even strippers have to pull themselves up by their own boot straps, particularly if that is all they are wearing.

This could be a good opportunity for someone who is tired of living paycheck to paycheck and would rather live on sweaty $1 bills.

Applicants should bring a resume, but don’t need to bring a C.V. unless it’s Double-D V.

Even if you don’t get hired at this job fair, it’s still a great opportunity for exposure.

The owners say they don’t want any applicants to pad your achievements, but they don’t care if you have them augmented.

One of the girls coming to the job fair said that she’ll give a better interview if you give her $50.
-She is going to get hired.

An important hiring tip for all girls coming to the job fair, especially ones with a lot of stripping experience already: Seriuosly, get someone to watch your kids for you.

“Non-Pro Posers Throw Blows” or “Emaciated Incarcerated”

In New York, a stampede and near riot broke out late last week among would-be contestants at a cattle call audition for America’s Next Top Model. Interestingly, the story’s inclusion of the words “cattle” and “stampede” has resulted in all the models swearing off all food.

Most models aren’t often involved in such chaos and disorder. Unless, of course, it’s an eating disorder.

Three were arrested and six were injured at the audition. One person was hit with what she thought was a stick, that actually just turned out to be one of the models.

Two of the six injured were taken to the hospital. Several others drove themselves to the hospital, but that was just for more elective plastic surgery.

More people would have been arrested, but there was no way to keep handcuffs on their skinny little wrists.

Sadly, those who were arrested were denied their request to bring a makeup artist for their mug-shots.

Following the incident, Executive Producer and host of America’s Next Top Model Tyra Banks showed genuine concern by encouraging everyone to watch her syndicated daily talk show.

Past contestants were appalled and said the whole incident just made them want to throw up. Which they were planning to do anyway.

No one knows exactly what started the whole melee, but producers expressed their sincere regret that it wasn’t all captured on camera for a highlight reel.

"Chasing Amy"

Singer Amy Winehouse had to cancel her planned appearance at the Coachella music festival in April, since she has to appear in court that day for allegedly hitting a fan at a London party. Amy won’t appear in court either, as she already plans to be on a bender and spend that day lying on the floor of a hotel lobby in a puddle of her own filth.

Before becoming a tabloid staple for her court cases and marital problems, Amy used to be an award-winning sloppy mess.

Amy is starting to strongly discourage teens from abusing drugs and alcohol, but she hasn’t been doing so intentionally.

"-Rod Rage"

New York Yankees star Alex Rodriguez admitted to using performance-enhancing steroids from 2001 to 2003, when he played for the Texas Rangers. He was very apologetic and admitted he made mistakes, but apparently is content to keep the money.

Rodriguez had denied taking steroids in a 2007 60 Minutes interview. Anabolic steroids are known to affect strength, endurance, and muscle tone. Negative side effects, however, include denial, feigned ignorance, and eventual back-pedaling.

Steroid use can strain the heart and other organs, has been connected to violent emotional outbursts known as “’roid rage,” and inevitably leads to lying to Congress.

Sports Illustrated reported that Rodriguez tested positive for Primobolan and testosterone. Because of this, from now on his nickname will have the hyphen replaced with an asterisk.
It doesn’t look as cool, does it, A*Rod?

Some scientists now speculate that it may be possible that steroids can even be transferred sexually; a theory based solely on Madonna’s biceps.

"Live Wrong and Prosper" or "Deep Space Crime"

In Denver, CO, a masked man robbed two 7-11 stores armed with a Klingon sword. Obviously the mask was to conceal his nerd glasses.

Local police may seek help in the investigation from Starfleet Command.

The robber hit the two locations within a half hour of each other, leading the police to believe he may have beamed in and out.

This may be the first robbery ever pulled off with a souvenir from Comic-Con.

The community at large has condemned the crime as “highly illogical.”

The clerk at the first robbery site described the robber as male, white, in his 20’s, and despite his weapon, probably from Earth.

Authorities will be on the lookout for anyone who is using a suspiciously large amount of cash to spruce up basement apartment in their parents’ house.

There were no injuries at either robbery, according to the holograghic doctor in 7-11’s sick bay.

At the second store, the robber was refused money and left on foot. I guess his mom wasn’t available to pick him up.

The Klingon High Council has, of course, disavowed any knowledge of the robber’s actions.

Franken's Time

In Minnesota, the too-close-to-call U.S. Senate race recount finally has a winner. It appears that author, radio host, and former Saturday Night Live comedian Al Franken has defeated incumbent Norm Coleman by 225 votes. Franken attributes his victory to the fact that he’s good enough, he’s smart enough, and gosh darn it, people like him.

From Ronald Reagan to Arnold Schwarzenegger, it’s not unheard of for a show business personality to be voted into office, but a performer known for comedy is a bit of a change. Usually, voters don’t usually know they elected a clown until he takes office.

Bauble Trouble

Paris Hilton has reported to police that the theft of $2 million worth of jewelry from her mansion last month may have been pulled off by an acquaintance. That narrows it down to thousands of people she’s slept with.

Paris is most upset by what she calls an “invasion of privacy,” which she cherishes as a reality television staple, tabloid main-stay, and sex-tape star.

Police are calling it an inside job, meaning the suspects are now limited to the multitudes who have been inside her.

In-house security footage showed a person wearing a hoodie and a pair of gloves, briefly throwing suspicion on O.J. Simpson.

(Just kidding, O.J. Please don’t kill me. Or kidnap me at gunpoint.)

In the future, Paris is considering hiding her jewels in her own bodily orifices, but that’s a security problem since so many people have access.

There may seem to be a bias, where everything I write about Paris implies that she is slutty. Perhaps I’m selling her short. After all, she is also useless and stupid.

“Use the Name ‘Simpson’ in a Sentence”

O.J. Simpson was sentenced to prison today. He will serve 15 to 33 years for kidnapping, robbery, and weapons convictions stemming from storming a Las Vegas hotel room for sports memorabilia he claimed was his. For legal analysts discussing whether the punishment fits the crime: it fits like a glove.

Simpson, now a resident of Florida, will serve out his sentence in a Nevada state prison. Like they say, “What happens in Vegas…”

The judge is known for doling out tough sentences, but she still wasn’t the most fearsome person in the room. At least she never killed anybody.

Simpson pleaded for leniency from the court, without a written or prepared statement. That’s probably smart, since the last thing he wrote was “If I Did It.”

Don’t Bank On It

So far, Congressional talks to fund President Bush’s proposed bank industry bailout have failed. In summary, half of Congress bailed and the other half are out.

John McCain has said that he will debate with Barak Obama tonight. All week, the two sides have been publicly arguing back and forth about the proposed bank bail-out, the economy, and the priorities of this country. Isn’t that called… a debate?

In the biggest bank failure in U.S. history, Washington Mutual was seized and its assets sold to JP Morgan Chase & Co. last night. To reflect its new relationship with customers, Washington Mutual is changing its name to Mutual Disdain.

“Hustle in Flo”

John “Junior” Gotti, son of the late organized crime boss John Gotti, has been indicted on conspiracy charges related to cocaine trafficking and three murders. Gotti has prior racketeering convictions for bribery, extortion, fraud, and gambling, but this pushes him up from the level of “gangster” to that of “gangsta.” Congratulations, Junior.

When he was released from prison in 2005, Gotti had said he had retired from his life of crime. This week’s cocaine and murder indictments illustrate just how important it is for retirees to keep active.

The indictment in Florida follows failed trials in New York in 2006 and 2007 that ended in mistrial or hung jury. The FBI had a hunch they could get Gotti in Florida based on his own claim that he retired.

“Bow-wow… Wow!”

A South Korean company claiming to be the world’s first successful commercial dog-cloning service has its first client. A California woman paid $50,000 for 5 puppy clones from her deceased pit bull, Booger. The happy customer is beside herself, and so are her puppies.

The oman is even naming the pups after the Korean scientists. Still, it will be hard to tell them apart, because they all look alike. The clones; not Koreans.

After an American-based cloning company shut down, the customer had turned to Seoul National University, who owns the patent on dog-cloning. The American company had never cloned a canine, anyway, but had produced cloned felines. Patent attorneys have accused them of being Copy Cats.

A commercial breakthrough more than a scientific one, since the first successful dog cloning took place in 2005, some Koreans have been heard to say that the easy availability of cloned dogs sounds delicious.

GOP Congressman Rick Renzi of Arizona has been indicted on federal extortion, fraud, and other charges related to a pay-off for a land-swap deal. See, this is the difference between the 2 political parties. With a Republican, you get a land-swap scandal. With a Democrat, it’s a wife-swap scandal.

The indictment says Renzi ultimately collected $733,000 on a deal where he promised an investment group’s land swap legislation a “free pass” through the House Natural Resources Committee. In retrospect, Renzi may wish he exchanged that pass for a “get-out-of-jail-free-pass.”

In his defense, remember that Renzi is a member of the Natural Resources Committee. His alleged land deal payoff was almost ¾ of a million dollars, and the insurance fraud charge is over $400,000. Maybe the congressman considers those payoffs his Natural Resources.



Southern Methodist University has officially announced that it will house the George W. Bush presidential library. The National Archives and Records Administration will run the museum and library, and the Bush Foundation will collect the limerick and picture books.



Sources close to consumer advocate Ralph Nader say he may be considering a run for president this year. In 2000 he ran as the Green part candidate, as an independent in ’04, and if he runs again this year, it will be as the nominee of the Waste of Time Party.



Federal officials have announced that gray wolves are being removed from the endangered species list. These means wolf hunting is likely to begin, and environmentalists are worried the animals’ numbers will again be depleted. Even more worried: werewolves.

Farmers maintain that hunting to thin the numbers of gray wolves is necessary to protect their livestock. In a related story, packs of gray wolves have been seen rushing into drug stores to purchase hair dye.

John McCain found himself on the defensive today, over a story that alleges that he had an inappropriate relationship with a lobbyist. McCain denies it. Even Mike Huckabee says he doesn’t believe it. But McCain didn’t help himself when he referred to his marriage as his “years trapped as a prisoner of war.”



In New York, a man visiting a woman’s apartment was stabbed in the shoulder with a kitchen knife by her, after he called her ugly. My question is, if she was so ugly, what was he doing at her apartment?

Crime is never pretty, and, for what it’s worth, she’s now felony-assault-ugly. That’s pretty much the opposite end of the spectrum from drop-dead-gorgeous.

At the time of her arrest, the woman was considered neither armed nor dangerous, but police were warned not to look directly at her if they could help it.



Kirstie Alley says that she may litigate against the National Enquirer for saying she was fired from doing Jenny Craig commercials for going off the diet and gaining back all her weight. Kirstie says that isn’t true, and she is going to sue as soon as she finished this case of Twinkies.

The Enquirer has printed several stories based on rumors of Alley’s yo-yoing weight. They haven’t printed pictures, though, because they can’t fit her body across 2 pages.

Despite the Enquirer’s claims, it was Kirstie who decided to pursue other projects, and Jenny Craig backs her up, saying they had even tried to get her to stay on as their spokesperson by offering her a fat contract.



A downtown coffee house in Rockland, ME was cited for violating a town odor ordinance over the smell of the smoke from its coffee roasting process. Is this the most serious crime there? Maybe the city needs to cut down on the caffeine.

This is a business that has helped restore the downtown area as a center of the arts and culture, and you’re going to fine them, or push them out of business? Come on, wake up and smell the coffee.