Showing posts with label News. Show all posts
Showing posts with label News. Show all posts
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
“Lean Meet”
MSNBC has unveiled a new tagline, "Lean Forward," designed to reflect its identity as the news channel of choice for progressives and liberals. In response, FOX News is changing their tagline to "Lean Back... to the 1950s."
Friday, March 12, 2010
Catching More of this Week's Stories...
Last Sunday, a woman in a movie theater was stabbed in the neck with a meat thermometer after telling a fellow moviegoer to stop talking on their cell phone. According to the meat thermometer, the woman was already done.
A Santa Monica restaurant called "The Hump" has been accused of illegally selling sushi with whale meat. Fans of the restaurant did their legal defence no favour, standing outside the closed restaurant chanting "We want The Hump back!"
Earlier this week, a Mississippi school system after it cancelled a senior prom to prevent a lesbian student from wearing a tuxedo and bringing a same-sex date. Said a homophobic Mississippian: "If we let girls date girls and wear tuxedo-pants an' such, we might as well change our name from Mississippi to Dude-issippi."
On Thursday. a 55-year-old man broke into a church where he allegedly used the institution’s electronic equipment to watch pornography. The Church's priests were never suspected of having been the ones to view the pornography, because it wasn't gay porn.
A new study shows that kidney donors live as long, on average, as those who have not donated a kidney. The study was meant to reassure all those people who are waking up hung-over and naked, in a bathtub full of ice.
A New York woman who said her botched breast enhancement surgery left her looking like she had four breasts was awarded $3.5 million dollars for pain and suffering. Then she was sold to a dairy farm.
Four U.S. Senators are questioning the near-$1 million compensation for the CEO of the Boys and Girls Clubs of America, a non-profit that receives million in federal funding. Some aren’t surprised about the large sum, as the organization’s logo is a hand-over-fist.
Friday was International Women’s Day. The White House marked the occasion with a speech by Michelle Obama on progress in women’s issues. The rest of the country celebrated with “Two-for-one lap dances.”
A British research study found that women who take the birth control pill live longer than women who don’t. Said a British mother: “Of course women on the pill live longer. They don’t have kids to suck the life out of them day and night.”
A Santa Monica restaurant called "The Hump" has been accused of illegally selling sushi with whale meat. Fans of the restaurant did their legal defence no favour, standing outside the closed restaurant chanting "We want The Hump back!"
Earlier this week, a Mississippi school system after it cancelled a senior prom to prevent a lesbian student from wearing a tuxedo and bringing a same-sex date. Said a homophobic Mississippian: "If we let girls date girls and wear tuxedo-pants an' such, we might as well change our name from Mississippi to Dude-issippi."
On Thursday. a 55-year-old man broke into a church where he allegedly used the institution’s electronic equipment to watch pornography. The Church's priests were never suspected of having been the ones to view the pornography, because it wasn't gay porn.
A new study shows that kidney donors live as long, on average, as those who have not donated a kidney. The study was meant to reassure all those people who are waking up hung-over and naked, in a bathtub full of ice.
A New York woman who said her botched breast enhancement surgery left her looking like she had four breasts was awarded $3.5 million dollars for pain and suffering. Then she was sold to a dairy farm.
Four U.S. Senators are questioning the near-$1 million compensation for the CEO of the Boys and Girls Clubs of America, a non-profit that receives million in federal funding. Some aren’t surprised about the large sum, as the organization’s logo is a hand-over-fist.
Friday was International Women’s Day. The White House marked the occasion with a speech by Michelle Obama on progress in women’s issues. The rest of the country celebrated with “Two-for-one lap dances.”
A British research study found that women who take the birth control pill live longer than women who don’t. Said a British mother: “Of course women on the pill live longer. They don’t have kids to suck the life out of them day and night.”
Monday, March 23, 2009
“Brief Mission” or “Fly Boys”
Aboard the International Space Station this week, Japanese astronaut Koicha Wakata’s mission includes testing new underpants made for life in space. The first problem, of course, is that in zero-gravity, underwear tends to ride up.
The underpants are made to be super-absorbent of sweat, insulated, quick-drying, and antibacterial. The only known design flaw is that they have not been able to make them wedgie-proof.
-This is a real disadvantage, since many space exploration scientists are vulnerable due to their classification as nerds.
The real question is, in the tense moments leading up to a landing back on earth, can the underwear handle a splashdown?
Space agencies are trying to extend the life of disposable garments used in space, since there isn’t a sufficient water supply to wash them. Dry cleaning is out of the question, based on the risk that the astronauts might forget their ticket.
The European Space Agency is way ahead of NASA in both the “not washing clothes” and “not bathing” areas.
Mr. Wakata cannot change the underwear more than once a week for the test, an element described as the “mother’s shame” factor.
Japan is confident in Wakata’s piloting skills, as well, stating that he could land a space shuttle on any runway, without so much as leaving a skid mark.
Strict military rank and protocol prevent any astronauts from voluntarily “going commando.”
The underpants are made to be super-absorbent of sweat, insulated, quick-drying, and antibacterial. The only known design flaw is that they have not been able to make them wedgie-proof.
-This is a real disadvantage, since many space exploration scientists are vulnerable due to their classification as nerds.
The real question is, in the tense moments leading up to a landing back on earth, can the underwear handle a splashdown?
Space agencies are trying to extend the life of disposable garments used in space, since there isn’t a sufficient water supply to wash them. Dry cleaning is out of the question, based on the risk that the astronauts might forget their ticket.
The European Space Agency is way ahead of NASA in both the “not washing clothes” and “not bathing” areas.
Mr. Wakata cannot change the underwear more than once a week for the test, an element described as the “mother’s shame” factor.
Japan is confident in Wakata’s piloting skills, as well, stating that he could land a space shuttle on any runway, without so much as leaving a skid mark.
Strict military rank and protocol prevent any astronauts from voluntarily “going commando.”
Monday, March 16, 2009
“Non-Pro Posers Throw Blows” or “Emaciated Incarcerated”
In New York, a stampede and near riot broke out late last week among would-be contestants at a cattle call audition for America’s Next Top Model. Interestingly, the story’s inclusion of the words “cattle” and “stampede” has resulted in all the models swearing off all food.
Most models aren’t often involved in such chaos and disorder. Unless, of course, it’s an eating disorder.
Three were arrested and six were injured at the audition. One person was hit with what she thought was a stick, that actually just turned out to be one of the models.
Two of the six injured were taken to the hospital. Several others drove themselves to the hospital, but that was just for more elective plastic surgery.
More people would have been arrested, but there was no way to keep handcuffs on their skinny little wrists.
Sadly, those who were arrested were denied their request to bring a makeup artist for their mug-shots.
Following the incident, Executive Producer and host of America’s Next Top Model Tyra Banks showed genuine concern by encouraging everyone to watch her syndicated daily talk show.
Past contestants were appalled and said the whole incident just made them want to throw up. Which they were planning to do anyway.
No one knows exactly what started the whole melee, but producers expressed their sincere regret that it wasn’t all captured on camera for a highlight reel.
Most models aren’t often involved in such chaos and disorder. Unless, of course, it’s an eating disorder.
Three were arrested and six were injured at the audition. One person was hit with what she thought was a stick, that actually just turned out to be one of the models.
Two of the six injured were taken to the hospital. Several others drove themselves to the hospital, but that was just for more elective plastic surgery.
More people would have been arrested, but there was no way to keep handcuffs on their skinny little wrists.
Sadly, those who were arrested were denied their request to bring a makeup artist for their mug-shots.
Following the incident, Executive Producer and host of America’s Next Top Model Tyra Banks showed genuine concern by encouraging everyone to watch her syndicated daily talk show.
Past contestants were appalled and said the whole incident just made them want to throw up. Which they were planning to do anyway.
No one knows exactly what started the whole melee, but producers expressed their sincere regret that it wasn’t all captured on camera for a highlight reel.
Monday, March 9, 2009
"Chasing Amy"
Singer Amy Winehouse had to cancel her planned appearance at the Coachella music festival in April, since she has to appear in court that day for allegedly hitting a fan at a London party. Amy won’t appear in court either, as she already plans to be on a bender and spend that day lying on the floor of a hotel lobby in a puddle of her own filth.
Before becoming a tabloid staple for her court cases and marital problems, Amy used to be an award-winning sloppy mess.
Amy is starting to strongly discourage teens from abusing drugs and alcohol, but she hasn’t been doing so intentionally.
Before becoming a tabloid staple for her court cases and marital problems, Amy used to be an award-winning sloppy mess.
Amy is starting to strongly discourage teens from abusing drugs and alcohol, but she hasn’t been doing so intentionally.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
"-Rod Rage"
New York Yankees star Alex Rodriguez admitted to using performance-enhancing steroids from 2001 to 2003, when he played for the Texas Rangers. He was very apologetic and admitted he made mistakes, but apparently is content to keep the money.
Rodriguez had denied taking steroids in a 2007 60 Minutes interview. Anabolic steroids are known to affect strength, endurance, and muscle tone. Negative side effects, however, include denial, feigned ignorance, and eventual back-pedaling.
Steroid use can strain the heart and other organs, has been connected to violent emotional outbursts known as “’roid rage,” and inevitably leads to lying to Congress.
Sports Illustrated reported that Rodriguez tested positive for Primobolan and testosterone. Because of this, from now on his nickname will have the hyphen replaced with an asterisk.
It doesn’t look as cool, does it, A*Rod?
Some scientists now speculate that it may be possible that steroids can even be transferred sexually; a theory based solely on Madonna’s biceps.
Rodriguez had denied taking steroids in a 2007 60 Minutes interview. Anabolic steroids are known to affect strength, endurance, and muscle tone. Negative side effects, however, include denial, feigned ignorance, and eventual back-pedaling.
Steroid use can strain the heart and other organs, has been connected to violent emotional outbursts known as “’roid rage,” and inevitably leads to lying to Congress.
Sports Illustrated reported that Rodriguez tested positive for Primobolan and testosterone. Because of this, from now on his nickname will have the hyphen replaced with an asterisk.
It doesn’t look as cool, does it, A*Rod?
Some scientists now speculate that it may be possible that steroids can even be transferred sexually; a theory based solely on Madonna’s biceps.
Monday, January 5, 2009
Bauble Trouble
Paris Hilton has reported to police that the theft of $2 million worth of jewelry from her mansion last month may have been pulled off by an acquaintance. That narrows it down to thousands of people she’s slept with.
Paris is most upset by what she calls an “invasion of privacy,” which she cherishes as a reality television staple, tabloid main-stay, and sex-tape star.
Police are calling it an inside job, meaning the suspects are now limited to the multitudes who have been inside her.
In-house security footage showed a person wearing a hoodie and a pair of gloves, briefly throwing suspicion on O.J. Simpson.
(Just kidding, O.J. Please don’t kill me. Or kidnap me at gunpoint.)
In the future, Paris is considering hiding her jewels in her own bodily orifices, but that’s a security problem since so many people have access.
There may seem to be a bias, where everything I write about Paris implies that she is slutty. Perhaps I’m selling her short. After all, she is also useless and stupid.
Paris is most upset by what she calls an “invasion of privacy,” which she cherishes as a reality television staple, tabloid main-stay, and sex-tape star.
Police are calling it an inside job, meaning the suspects are now limited to the multitudes who have been inside her.
In-house security footage showed a person wearing a hoodie and a pair of gloves, briefly throwing suspicion on O.J. Simpson.
(Just kidding, O.J. Please don’t kill me. Or kidnap me at gunpoint.)
In the future, Paris is considering hiding her jewels in her own bodily orifices, but that’s a security problem since so many people have access.
There may seem to be a bias, where everything I write about Paris implies that she is slutty. Perhaps I’m selling her short. After all, she is also useless and stupid.
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
“Hustle in Flo”
John “Junior” Gotti, son of the late organized crime boss John Gotti, has been indicted on conspiracy charges related to cocaine trafficking and three murders. Gotti has prior racketeering convictions for bribery, extortion, fraud, and gambling, but this pushes him up from the level of “gangster” to that of “gangsta.” Congratulations, Junior.
When he was released from prison in 2005, Gotti had said he had retired from his life of crime. This week’s cocaine and murder indictments illustrate just how important it is for retirees to keep active.
The indictment in Florida follows failed trials in New York in 2006 and 2007 that ended in mistrial or hung jury. The FBI had a hunch they could get Gotti in Florida based on his own claim that he retired.
When he was released from prison in 2005, Gotti had said he had retired from his life of crime. This week’s cocaine and murder indictments illustrate just how important it is for retirees to keep active.
The indictment in Florida follows failed trials in New York in 2006 and 2007 that ended in mistrial or hung jury. The FBI had a hunch they could get Gotti in Florida based on his own claim that he retired.
“Bow-wow… Wow!”
A South Korean company claiming to be the world’s first successful commercial dog-cloning service has its first client. A California woman paid $50,000 for 5 puppy clones from her deceased pit bull, Booger. The happy customer is beside herself, and so are her puppies.
The oman is even naming the pups after the Korean scientists. Still, it will be hard to tell them apart, because they all look alike. The clones; not Koreans.
After an American-based cloning company shut down, the customer had turned to Seoul National University, who owns the patent on dog-cloning. The American company had never cloned a canine, anyway, but had produced cloned felines. Patent attorneys have accused them of being Copy Cats.
A commercial breakthrough more than a scientific one, since the first successful dog cloning took place in 2005, some Koreans have been heard to say that the easy availability of cloned dogs sounds delicious.
The oman is even naming the pups after the Korean scientists. Still, it will be hard to tell them apart, because they all look alike. The clones; not Koreans.
After an American-based cloning company shut down, the customer had turned to Seoul National University, who owns the patent on dog-cloning. The American company had never cloned a canine, anyway, but had produced cloned felines. Patent attorneys have accused them of being Copy Cats.
A commercial breakthrough more than a scientific one, since the first successful dog cloning took place in 2005, some Koreans have been heard to say that the easy availability of cloned dogs sounds delicious.
Friday, February 22, 2008
GOP Congressman Rick Renzi of Arizona has been indicted on federal extortion, fraud, and other charges related to a pay-off for a land-swap deal. See, this is the difference between the 2 political parties. With a Republican, you get a land-swap scandal. With a Democrat, it’s a wife-swap scandal.
The indictment says Renzi ultimately collected $733,000 on a deal where he promised an investment group’s land swap legislation a “free pass” through the House Natural Resources Committee. In retrospect, Renzi may wish he exchanged that pass for a “get-out-of-jail-free-pass.”
In his defense, remember that Renzi is a member of the Natural Resources Committee. His alleged land deal payoff was almost ¾ of a million dollars, and the insurance fraud charge is over $400,000. Maybe the congressman considers those payoffs his Natural Resources.
Southern Methodist University has officially announced that it will house the George W. Bush presidential library. The National Archives and Records Administration will run the museum and library, and the Bush Foundation will collect the limerick and picture books.
Sources close to consumer advocate Ralph Nader say he may be considering a run for president this year. In 2000 he ran as the Green part candidate, as an independent in ’04, and if he runs again this year, it will be as the nominee of the Waste of Time Party.
Federal officials have announced that gray wolves are being removed from the endangered species list. These means wolf hunting is likely to begin, and environmentalists are worried the animals’ numbers will again be depleted. Even more worried: werewolves.
Farmers maintain that hunting to thin the numbers of gray wolves is necessary to protect their livestock. In a related story, packs of gray wolves have been seen rushing into drug stores to purchase hair dye.
The indictment says Renzi ultimately collected $733,000 on a deal where he promised an investment group’s land swap legislation a “free pass” through the House Natural Resources Committee. In retrospect, Renzi may wish he exchanged that pass for a “get-out-of-jail-free-pass.”
In his defense, remember that Renzi is a member of the Natural Resources Committee. His alleged land deal payoff was almost ¾ of a million dollars, and the insurance fraud charge is over $400,000. Maybe the congressman considers those payoffs his Natural Resources.
Southern Methodist University has officially announced that it will house the George W. Bush presidential library. The National Archives and Records Administration will run the museum and library, and the Bush Foundation will collect the limerick and picture books.
Sources close to consumer advocate Ralph Nader say he may be considering a run for president this year. In 2000 he ran as the Green part candidate, as an independent in ’04, and if he runs again this year, it will be as the nominee of the Waste of Time Party.
Federal officials have announced that gray wolves are being removed from the endangered species list. These means wolf hunting is likely to begin, and environmentalists are worried the animals’ numbers will again be depleted. Even more worried: werewolves.
Farmers maintain that hunting to thin the numbers of gray wolves is necessary to protect their livestock. In a related story, packs of gray wolves have been seen rushing into drug stores to purchase hair dye.
Friday, September 21, 2007
Toy maker Mattel issued an apology today to China, for damaging its reputation amid recent toy recalls. Unfortunately, the apology was coated with lead-based paint.
Mattel’s executives discussed the necessity to gather together with Chinese government officials in a memo, which quoted the old adage: Some assembly required.
China felt pretty beaten up by the media over the recalls, but they did not complain about that to Mattel. Among the tot-related topics they discussed, battery was not included.
Mattel’s executives discussed the necessity to gather together with Chinese government officials in a memo, which quoted the old adage: Some assembly required.
China felt pretty beaten up by the media over the recalls, but they did not complain about that to Mattel. Among the tot-related topics they discussed, battery was not included.
Thursday, September 20, 2007
Professional golf has announced an anti-doping policy, banning steroids and other performance enhancing drugs. Also, no more rocket fuel in the golf carts.
Sure, everyone knows steroids have been a huge problem in golf for years. The worst of it came in the 1982 PGA Tour, when Jack Nicklaus shot a hole in one without using club and then went on a killing spree.
Then there was the U.S. Open, 4 years ago, when Tiger Woods turned his 3 iron into a 9 with his bare hands and then chewed the head of his driver into a putter.
In actuality, there has been evidence of golfers taking performance enhancing drugs. But then again, they may just be cleverly hiding it behind their knickers and white gloves.
The World Golf Foundation, worried that golf may be less exciting without steroid-pumped athletes, has made another rule change that all caddies will be required to be drunk to keep things interesting.
Sure, everyone knows steroids have been a huge problem in golf for years. The worst of it came in the 1982 PGA Tour, when Jack Nicklaus shot a hole in one without using club and then went on a killing spree.
Then there was the U.S. Open, 4 years ago, when Tiger Woods turned his 3 iron into a 9 with his bare hands and then chewed the head of his driver into a putter.
In actuality, there has been evidence of golfers taking performance enhancing drugs. But then again, they may just be cleverly hiding it behind their knickers and white gloves.
The World Golf Foundation, worried that golf may be less exciting without steroid-pumped athletes, has made another rule change that all caddies will be required to be drunk to keep things interesting.
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
In her ongoing child custody battle, Britney Spears now has been given a court order for drug testing. Sadly, she won’t be testing a drug that promotes hair re-growth.
Both Britney and ex-husband Kevin Federline are required to complete a “Parenting without Conflict” class, and were ordered to keep off drugs. In the interest of justice, they were also ordered to keep off MTV.
Britney was also ordered by the judge to refrain from drinking alcohol. Not for child custody; just to help her get rid of her beer belly.
Biologists have solved the mystery of where sea-turtle hatchlings disappear to for up to 5 years before returning close to home to live out their lives. It turns out they swim out to the open water of the ocean. The research was conducted by the Center for Obvious Studies.
These are turtles, right? The famously slow-moving animals? This was a mystery for 50 years. No one could try to follow them? You wouldn’t even need to be a fast swimmer. All you need is an air tank and some weights to keep from outrunning them.
And gee… the ocean. What a surprise. No one ever thought that sea turtles might have swum out to sea? Where did they think they were going, Vegas?
The real surprise of the discovery is that the juvenile sea-turtles, who were previously thought to be lifelong vegetarians, live on an all meat diet. Well, sure. When you’re young you don’t think about fat intake, cholesterol, etc.
As mature adults, sea-turtles eat sea grasses. Of course. By then, they realize they need more fiber.
The change starts right about the time they start telling their kids that their music is too loud.
So the kids swim off to the ocean.
The Juice is loose!
O.J. Simpson was released from jail today, on $125,000 bail. I think the judge set the amount too high. If you’re going to put O.J. back on the streets, you don’t want him mad!
His girlfriend was in court when O.J. faced the judge. The pretty young blond didn’t say anything, but you can’t blame her for not wanting to stick her neck out.
Regarding the armed robbery incident in Las Vegas over his sports memorabilia, Simpson is facing 10 felony charges, which may be a new NFL and personal record! Congratulations, O.J.!
All kidding aside, O.J., don’t kill me.
Both Britney and ex-husband Kevin Federline are required to complete a “Parenting without Conflict” class, and were ordered to keep off drugs. In the interest of justice, they were also ordered to keep off MTV.
Britney was also ordered by the judge to refrain from drinking alcohol. Not for child custody; just to help her get rid of her beer belly.
Biologists have solved the mystery of where sea-turtle hatchlings disappear to for up to 5 years before returning close to home to live out their lives. It turns out they swim out to the open water of the ocean. The research was conducted by the Center for Obvious Studies.
These are turtles, right? The famously slow-moving animals? This was a mystery for 50 years. No one could try to follow them? You wouldn’t even need to be a fast swimmer. All you need is an air tank and some weights to keep from outrunning them.
And gee… the ocean. What a surprise. No one ever thought that sea turtles might have swum out to sea? Where did they think they were going, Vegas?
The real surprise of the discovery is that the juvenile sea-turtles, who were previously thought to be lifelong vegetarians, live on an all meat diet. Well, sure. When you’re young you don’t think about fat intake, cholesterol, etc.
As mature adults, sea-turtles eat sea grasses. Of course. By then, they realize they need more fiber.
The change starts right about the time they start telling their kids that their music is too loud.
So the kids swim off to the ocean.
The Juice is loose!
O.J. Simpson was released from jail today, on $125,000 bail. I think the judge set the amount too high. If you’re going to put O.J. back on the streets, you don’t want him mad!
His girlfriend was in court when O.J. faced the judge. The pretty young blond didn’t say anything, but you can’t blame her for not wanting to stick her neck out.
Regarding the armed robbery incident in Las Vegas over his sports memorabilia, Simpson is facing 10 felony charges, which may be a new NFL and personal record! Congratulations, O.J.!
All kidding aside, O.J., don’t kill me.
Thursday, September 6, 2007
According to a new report, the Transportation Security Administration’s airplane cargo hold security practices are severely lacking. In fact, the Department of Homeland Security feels that safety and inspections are so bad, they thought Chinese toy factories were running it.
Congress is consideration legislation to require paper ballots in national elections, due to concerns about potential technical problems with more high-tech voting machines. Paper ballots make sense, since most of the candidates are cardboard cutouts anyway.
Everyone wants a fair vote, but there are opponents who say cost of a system-wide national change back to paper is a big issue. And obviously, the trees don’t get a vote.
All this may be a little too anti-technology. For example, look at absentee computer ballots. Under the new law, online voters will have to write on their flat-panel screen with a Sharpie.
Britney Spears will appear on MTV’s Video Music Awards this Sunday, mainly because she hasn’t been getting enough attention from the media.
In a related story, Kevin Federline is asking MTV to pay him a large fee, or else he’ll show up and rap.
Brit is scheduled to perform a new song called “Gimme More,” which we can speculate is about her still re-growing hair.
Fans might remember Britney's other famous MTV Awards appearances, with the python, and the kiss with Madonna. You know, back when she was thin and pretty.
Ever the concerned mother, Britney has yet to decide if, during her performance, she should let her 2 young boys get drunk backstage, or just wait in the car, unattended.
In Maine, a 65-year old woman wishing to buy wine at a local supermarket was turned away because she didn’t have a legal ID with her. Either the clerk was really a stickler for the rules, or he was trying to get a little cougar action.
Apparently it wasn’t good enough to prove her age by being able to recall where she was when President Lincoln was shot.
She had other proof of her age. Her iPod is filled with Lawrence Welk.
She was disappointed not to have been able to get her wine, because she was on her way to party! And by party, I mean, a bingo parlor.
Luckily, her grandchildren knew a place where they don’t card anybody.
The woman was reassured when she visited a senior community center the next day, and the group activity was making fake ID's.
Congress is consideration legislation to require paper ballots in national elections, due to concerns about potential technical problems with more high-tech voting machines. Paper ballots make sense, since most of the candidates are cardboard cutouts anyway.
Everyone wants a fair vote, but there are opponents who say cost of a system-wide national change back to paper is a big issue. And obviously, the trees don’t get a vote.
All this may be a little too anti-technology. For example, look at absentee computer ballots. Under the new law, online voters will have to write on their flat-panel screen with a Sharpie.
Britney Spears will appear on MTV’s Video Music Awards this Sunday, mainly because she hasn’t been getting enough attention from the media.
In a related story, Kevin Federline is asking MTV to pay him a large fee, or else he’ll show up and rap.
Brit is scheduled to perform a new song called “Gimme More,” which we can speculate is about her still re-growing hair.
Fans might remember Britney's other famous MTV Awards appearances, with the python, and the kiss with Madonna. You know, back when she was thin and pretty.
Ever the concerned mother, Britney has yet to decide if, during her performance, she should let her 2 young boys get drunk backstage, or just wait in the car, unattended.
In Maine, a 65-year old woman wishing to buy wine at a local supermarket was turned away because she didn’t have a legal ID with her. Either the clerk was really a stickler for the rules, or he was trying to get a little cougar action.
Apparently it wasn’t good enough to prove her age by being able to recall where she was when President Lincoln was shot.
She had other proof of her age. Her iPod is filled with Lawrence Welk.
She was disappointed not to have been able to get her wine, because she was on her way to party! And by party, I mean, a bingo parlor.
Luckily, her grandchildren knew a place where they don’t card anybody.
The woman was reassured when she visited a senior community center the next day, and the group activity was making fake ID's.
Monday, September 3, 2007
From Today's news: Monday, Sept. 3, 2007
Harvard doctors are testing new treatments for bipolar disorder. Some scientists are optimistic that new treatments will be more effective than anything prior. Others, however, felt doomed to conduct anonymous research for the rest of their sad, pathetic lives.
The National Institute of Mental Health are treating manic-depressive patients with a patch using the same drug commonly used for sea or airsickness. It helped the depressed patients, but the manic ones just got in their boats and planes and sailed or flew away.
Several beaches along the New Jersey shore had to be closed in the middle of the busy holiday weekend because of hazardous medical waste washing up on shore. Even sadder than the ruined vacations for beach visitors: many of these people have to live in New Jersey.
The waste and trash found on beaches included syringes, gauze, and tampon applicators. No one knows the source of the waste, according to the only witness, a heroin-addicted, Egyptian mummy on her period.
It’s a shame when people’s day at the beach is ruined by anything so gross and disturbing. In a related story, hundreds were seen screaming and running away from an old, fat guy in a Speedo.
The winner of Friday’s Mega Millions estimated $330 million jackpot says that upon buying his 2 tickets, he made a vow that he would teach his wiccan beliefs to others if he won. But only one ticket won, so since the other didn’t, deal’s off!
Actually God, Himself knew that at odds of 176 million to 1, this guy really had a chance in hell.
My question is, why should he settle for wicca? Now that he’s rich, he could buy his way up pretty high in scientology.
NASA conducted an internal investigation in response to an external report that 2 astronauts showed up for space flights while intoxicated. The investigation found the report to be false, and NASA considers the matter closed. Good thing they never gave a breathalyzer to those chimps.
The National Institute of Mental Health are treating manic-depressive patients with a patch using the same drug commonly used for sea or airsickness. It helped the depressed patients, but the manic ones just got in their boats and planes and sailed or flew away.
Several beaches along the New Jersey shore had to be closed in the middle of the busy holiday weekend because of hazardous medical waste washing up on shore. Even sadder than the ruined vacations for beach visitors: many of these people have to live in New Jersey.
The waste and trash found on beaches included syringes, gauze, and tampon applicators. No one knows the source of the waste, according to the only witness, a heroin-addicted, Egyptian mummy on her period.
It’s a shame when people’s day at the beach is ruined by anything so gross and disturbing. In a related story, hundreds were seen screaming and running away from an old, fat guy in a Speedo.
The winner of Friday’s Mega Millions estimated $330 million jackpot says that upon buying his 2 tickets, he made a vow that he would teach his wiccan beliefs to others if he won. But only one ticket won, so since the other didn’t, deal’s off!
Actually God, Himself knew that at odds of 176 million to 1, this guy really had a chance in hell.
My question is, why should he settle for wicca? Now that he’s rich, he could buy his way up pretty high in scientology.
NASA conducted an internal investigation in response to an external report that 2 astronauts showed up for space flights while intoxicated. The investigation found the report to be false, and NASA considers the matter closed. Good thing they never gave a breathalyzer to those chimps.
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
From Today's News (Part 2)
Idaho’s senior Senator, Larry Craig ha spoken out about his arrest and guilty plea for disorderly conduct involving soliciting an undercover policeman in an airport bathroom in June. He says the incident was a misunderstanding. He went into the Men’s room hoping to meet a man who wasn’t a cop.
Craig said today in a statement that he is not gay, and he’s got a hand-job waiting for any man who can prove otherwise.
Craig had been the Senate liaison for Mitt Romney’s presidential campaign. Amid the controversy, however, he has stepped down. Or, at least, dropped to his knees.
The Census Bureau revealed today that in 2006, 47 million Americans lacked health insurance. Just thinking about that made me feel sick.
Improvements to the current, broken system just seem like a band-aid. But the band-aid isn’t covered under our HMO.
Andrew Ahlering, the L.A. County employee who led The Committee to Recall (Sheriff) Lee Baca over the Paris Hilton jail sentence ordeal, has resigned. Ahlering said he is looking forward to going back to private life and having his plates run every time a sheriff’s deputy sees his car.
Ahlering said that in trying to raise money to campaign for the recall, he had raised less than $100. At that rate, he may as well pocket the money. It’s not like people get jail time over that amount with Lee Baca in charge.
His petition accused Sheriff Baca of giving special treatment to celebrities. Somehow, L.A. restaurants, nightclubs, fashion houses, movie studios, and TV networks failed to support Ahlering’s cause.
Of the 400,000 signatures needed to get the recall on the ballot, Ahlering said that he had been able to get only 40. So I’m guessing a career in politics is probably not in his future, either.
Live With Regis and Kelly is celebrating 20 years on the air. Every year the show is nominated for the best talk show Emmy award, but has never won. Isn’t not having to see Kathy Lee Gifford every day reward enough?
Craig said today in a statement that he is not gay, and he’s got a hand-job waiting for any man who can prove otherwise.
Craig had been the Senate liaison for Mitt Romney’s presidential campaign. Amid the controversy, however, he has stepped down. Or, at least, dropped to his knees.
The Census Bureau revealed today that in 2006, 47 million Americans lacked health insurance. Just thinking about that made me feel sick.
Improvements to the current, broken system just seem like a band-aid. But the band-aid isn’t covered under our HMO.
Andrew Ahlering, the L.A. County employee who led The Committee to Recall (Sheriff) Lee Baca over the Paris Hilton jail sentence ordeal, has resigned. Ahlering said he is looking forward to going back to private life and having his plates run every time a sheriff’s deputy sees his car.
Ahlering said that in trying to raise money to campaign for the recall, he had raised less than $100. At that rate, he may as well pocket the money. It’s not like people get jail time over that amount with Lee Baca in charge.
His petition accused Sheriff Baca of giving special treatment to celebrities. Somehow, L.A. restaurants, nightclubs, fashion houses, movie studios, and TV networks failed to support Ahlering’s cause.
Of the 400,000 signatures needed to get the recall on the ballot, Ahlering said that he had been able to get only 40. So I’m guessing a career in politics is probably not in his future, either.
Live With Regis and Kelly is celebrating 20 years on the air. Every year the show is nominated for the best talk show Emmy award, but has never won. Isn’t not having to see Kathy Lee Gifford every day reward enough?
Friday, August 24, 2007
From Today's News: Friday, Aug. 24, 2007
The Big Mac is celebrating it’s 40th anniversary, and is even getting a museum featuring memorabilia, Big Mac-themed exhibits, and a giant statue, 14 feet tall. Aren’t we taking this super-sizing thing a little too far?
The museum restaurant is located in North Huntington, PA. All are welcome whose butts can still fit through the door.
It’s amazing to think that the owner of a Uniontown, PA Micky D’s invented the Big Mac for his franchise in 1967. What’s even more amazing is that he’s still alive!
Today’s Big Mac still uses the same classic recipe from the jingle: 2 all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, on a Sesame seed bun. If that sounds too indulgent to you, you can always take off the lettuce.
Still one of McDonald’s most popular items, the Big Mac contains 540 calories and 29 grams of fat. The Double Quarter Pounder has 740 calories and 42 gram of fat. Or for 99 cents more, they’ll just use a grounding wire to stop your heart for you.
This is why the prize in the new grown-ups’ Happy Meal will be a free pace-maker.
One of the popular attractions at the museum will be a display of Big Mac’s natural enemies: Raw vegetables, low-fat protein alternatives like soy, and of course, a defibrillator.
Why does the Big Mac get a museum? Why doesn’t McDonalds erect a monument to the people whom Big Mac’s have slowly killed?
How about just naming a freeway, bridge, or tunnel after them? They can call it the Clogged Artery.
Ex-astronaut Lisa Nowak, who infamously assaulted a romantic rival and wore diapers to drive cross-country and get to her former flame faster, has asked a judge for her ankle monitor be removed. Best compromise: give her a reality show. All the semi-famous do it, the public scrutiny is already there, and the cameras make sure she doesn’t pepper spray anyone. It’s win-win!
Brian May, guitarist from the band Queen, has completed his doctorate in astrophysics at London’s Imperial College. The success of the band forced him to delay his studies more than 30 years. Like any rock star working on proving his astrophysics theories, May is a little spaced out.
His thesis involved proving that the rotation of the earth was affected by the mass of the people on it, particularly women. In other words: fat bottomed girls make the rockin world go ‘round.
In memory of Queen’s lead singer, May wanted a celestial body named after him. From now on, the first planet from the sun will be known as Mercury.
Graco Children’s Products has issued a safety alert regarding certain child car seat models. I didn’t read the story, but based on so many recent recalls, I assume it was made in China, contains lead, and should not be eaten.
The museum restaurant is located in North Huntington, PA. All are welcome whose butts can still fit through the door.
It’s amazing to think that the owner of a Uniontown, PA Micky D’s invented the Big Mac for his franchise in 1967. What’s even more amazing is that he’s still alive!
Today’s Big Mac still uses the same classic recipe from the jingle: 2 all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, on a Sesame seed bun. If that sounds too indulgent to you, you can always take off the lettuce.
Still one of McDonald’s most popular items, the Big Mac contains 540 calories and 29 grams of fat. The Double Quarter Pounder has 740 calories and 42 gram of fat. Or for 99 cents more, they’ll just use a grounding wire to stop your heart for you.
This is why the prize in the new grown-ups’ Happy Meal will be a free pace-maker.
One of the popular attractions at the museum will be a display of Big Mac’s natural enemies: Raw vegetables, low-fat protein alternatives like soy, and of course, a defibrillator.
Why does the Big Mac get a museum? Why doesn’t McDonalds erect a monument to the people whom Big Mac’s have slowly killed?
How about just naming a freeway, bridge, or tunnel after them? They can call it the Clogged Artery.
Ex-astronaut Lisa Nowak, who infamously assaulted a romantic rival and wore diapers to drive cross-country and get to her former flame faster, has asked a judge for her ankle monitor be removed. Best compromise: give her a reality show. All the semi-famous do it, the public scrutiny is already there, and the cameras make sure she doesn’t pepper spray anyone. It’s win-win!
Brian May, guitarist from the band Queen, has completed his doctorate in astrophysics at London’s Imperial College. The success of the band forced him to delay his studies more than 30 years. Like any rock star working on proving his astrophysics theories, May is a little spaced out.
His thesis involved proving that the rotation of the earth was affected by the mass of the people on it, particularly women. In other words: fat bottomed girls make the rockin world go ‘round.
In memory of Queen’s lead singer, May wanted a celestial body named after him. From now on, the first planet from the sun will be known as Mercury.
Graco Children’s Products has issued a safety alert regarding certain child car seat models. I didn’t read the story, but based on so many recent recalls, I assume it was made in China, contains lead, and should not be eaten.
Thursday, August 23, 2007
From Today's News: Thursday, Aug. 23, 2007
Lindsay Lohan got a 1day jail sentence as part of a plea bargain on drunk driving and cocaine charges today. One day? Paris Hilton is pissed!
Speaking of Paris, her partner in crime, so to speak, Nicole Richie served 82 minutes of her 4-day DUI sentence. In related story, Lindsay Lohan is pissed.
Eighty two minutes. I think that’s too harsh. I think Nicole should only have gotten 15 minutes and not a second more. No, wait. I’m thinking about her fame.
Of the many unfortunate circumstances surrounding the jail sentences of Paris, Nicole, and Lindsay, the worst is that real criminals don’t even get street cred for getting locked up any more.
Mel Gibson’s attorney reported to a judge today that Gibson was following the rules of his probation, brought about by his infamous drunk driving arrest and corresponding anti-Semitic tirade last July. If people like Mel are good at anything, it’s following orders and goose-stepping.
The job company Monster.com has admitted that Internet crooks were able to steal basic identity information by enticing 1.3 million Monster users to click fake web-links. Guess there’s going to be quite a few new job openings at Monster.com, eh?
Scientists have calculated that Tyrannosaurus Rex, despite its huge bulk, were still quite fast, able to run at up to 18 miles per hour, much faster than a human. I don’t know how useful that research is; until they also know how fast a T-Rex could drive.
The study used computers loaded with biomechanics information to determine the running speeds of several extinct species. The next round will clock electable middle-of-the-road politicians.
The scientists said, that as long as they are getting paid, they can also tell you who is faster: a unicorn or a Pegasus.
Speaking of Paris, her partner in crime, so to speak, Nicole Richie served 82 minutes of her 4-day DUI sentence. In related story, Lindsay Lohan is pissed.
Eighty two minutes. I think that’s too harsh. I think Nicole should only have gotten 15 minutes and not a second more. No, wait. I’m thinking about her fame.
Of the many unfortunate circumstances surrounding the jail sentences of Paris, Nicole, and Lindsay, the worst is that real criminals don’t even get street cred for getting locked up any more.
Mel Gibson’s attorney reported to a judge today that Gibson was following the rules of his probation, brought about by his infamous drunk driving arrest and corresponding anti-Semitic tirade last July. If people like Mel are good at anything, it’s following orders and goose-stepping.
The job company Monster.com has admitted that Internet crooks were able to steal basic identity information by enticing 1.3 million Monster users to click fake web-links. Guess there’s going to be quite a few new job openings at Monster.com, eh?
Scientists have calculated that Tyrannosaurus Rex, despite its huge bulk, were still quite fast, able to run at up to 18 miles per hour, much faster than a human. I don’t know how useful that research is; until they also know how fast a T-Rex could drive.
The study used computers loaded with biomechanics information to determine the running speeds of several extinct species. The next round will clock electable middle-of-the-road politicians.
The scientists said, that as long as they are getting paid, they can also tell you who is faster: a unicorn or a Pegasus.
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
From Today's News: Tuesday, Aug. 21, 2007
In Oregon, two 13 year old boys were cleared of charges for swatting several same-age girls on the behind at school. Originally the boys faced felony sexual abuse charges. They were suspended from school and spent five days in juvenile detention. Meanwhile, a new law in the town defines “Spin the Bottle” as gang rape.
“Seven Minutes in Heaven” will now get you Seven-to-Ten in Maximum Security.
Also, all mistletoe is being confiscated before Christmas, before it claims any more victims.
Four of the girls asked that the charges be dropped, and a civil compromise was reached instead, where each girl received an apology and $250. The girls were then immediately arrested for prostitution.
According to a national survey, one in four Americans did not read any books last year. Most didn’t have time. These are Americans; they were too busy eating.
There was more to this story, but I decided to wait until it’s on TV to find out more.
The survey gives a breakdown of readership of popular genres. That can be difficult to measure, as some books cross over. Like Bill Clinton’s autobiography is part politics, part pornography.
Wal-Mart has recalled 2 brands of dog treats, both made in China, over customers’ complaints that the snacks made their pets sick. Wal-Mart is now conducting independent tests on the products, which means, feeding them to illegal employees to see what happens.
China has issued a statement saying that they are very embarrassed to learn that any of the products they export are sold at Wal-Mart.
On the other hand, you have to know the chicken-jerky for dogs sold at Wal-Mart to be loaded with artificial ingredients and preservatives. You think that’s going to be healthy? You’re lucky it’s even legal!
Why would you give that to a dog? Forget about nutrition. Anything with that many chemicals has to be dangerous.
In fact, a closer look at the box revealed a few warnings:
(Translated from the Chinese label)
Not intended for consumption.
Keep product away from children and adults.
Do not remove from original container.
Do not give to live animals.
Not for indoor use.
Do not expose to sunlight.
Do not handle without protective gloves and goggles.
Avoid prolonged exposure.
Side effects may include glowing in the dark.
No not shake or get product wet. – Keep away from dogs mouths.
“Seven Minutes in Heaven” will now get you Seven-to-Ten in Maximum Security.
Also, all mistletoe is being confiscated before Christmas, before it claims any more victims.
Four of the girls asked that the charges be dropped, and a civil compromise was reached instead, where each girl received an apology and $250. The girls were then immediately arrested for prostitution.
According to a national survey, one in four Americans did not read any books last year. Most didn’t have time. These are Americans; they were too busy eating.
There was more to this story, but I decided to wait until it’s on TV to find out more.
The survey gives a breakdown of readership of popular genres. That can be difficult to measure, as some books cross over. Like Bill Clinton’s autobiography is part politics, part pornography.
Wal-Mart has recalled 2 brands of dog treats, both made in China, over customers’ complaints that the snacks made their pets sick. Wal-Mart is now conducting independent tests on the products, which means, feeding them to illegal employees to see what happens.
China has issued a statement saying that they are very embarrassed to learn that any of the products they export are sold at Wal-Mart.
On the other hand, you have to know the chicken-jerky for dogs sold at Wal-Mart to be loaded with artificial ingredients and preservatives. You think that’s going to be healthy? You’re lucky it’s even legal!
Why would you give that to a dog? Forget about nutrition. Anything with that many chemicals has to be dangerous.
In fact, a closer look at the box revealed a few warnings:
(Translated from the Chinese label)
Not intended for consumption.
Keep product away from children and adults.
Do not remove from original container.
Do not give to live animals.
Not for indoor use.
Do not expose to sunlight.
Do not handle without protective gloves and goggles.
Avoid prolonged exposure.
Side effects may include glowing in the dark.
No not shake or get product wet. – Keep away from dogs mouths.
Monday, August 20, 2007
From Today's News: Monday, Aug. 20, 2007
A China Airways jumbo jet burst into flames after landing and coming to a stop at the airport in Okinawa, Japan--luckily, everyone aboard evacuated and are fine. The fire’s cause is unknown, but the first suspicion was that before landing, somebody didn’t put his or her chair back in the full, upright position.
Even thoough all 165 people aboard got out safely, one flight attendant was left to wonder if she left the coffee pot on.
Most of the passengers slid down emergency chutes and ran away from the plane. But first class passengers took specially made escalators to their waiting limousines.
Many passengers feared that their luggage was destroyed, but it wasn’t. Not surprisingly, their bags were on a plane to Newark.
A salt-cured ham from Spain costing about $2100 per leg is being called the world’s most expensive pork. Apparently, nobody bothered to check Heidi Fleiss’s old ledgers.
Luciano Pavoratti, who was hospitalized earlier this month with a high fever, will remain in hospital care for several more days, for more tests. As for the bank note secured to pay for his medical bills, the facility assured Pavoratti that he could hold the note.
About 11 extras fell off of a slow-moving truck on the set of Tom Cruise’s next movie, a World War II thriller filming in Germany. All the other extras were fine, because they agreed to go to the Scientology meeting, like Tom asked them to.
Even thoough all 165 people aboard got out safely, one flight attendant was left to wonder if she left the coffee pot on.
Most of the passengers slid down emergency chutes and ran away from the plane. But first class passengers took specially made escalators to their waiting limousines.
Many passengers feared that their luggage was destroyed, but it wasn’t. Not surprisingly, their bags were on a plane to Newark.
A salt-cured ham from Spain costing about $2100 per leg is being called the world’s most expensive pork. Apparently, nobody bothered to check Heidi Fleiss’s old ledgers.
Luciano Pavoratti, who was hospitalized earlier this month with a high fever, will remain in hospital care for several more days, for more tests. As for the bank note secured to pay for his medical bills, the facility assured Pavoratti that he could hold the note.
About 11 extras fell off of a slow-moving truck on the set of Tom Cruise’s next movie, a World War II thriller filming in Germany. All the other extras were fine, because they agreed to go to the Scientology meeting, like Tom asked them to.
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