Thursday, December 31, 2009

“Running on Fumes”

A woman passed out and arrested in a stolen car may have set a South Dakota state record for blood alcohol level, which was .708. The legal limit is .08. The only person more drunk while in the driver’s seat got off on a technicality, when David Hasselhoff was behind the wheel of a car that drove itself.

“AT&T Cuts the Line”

AT&T has dropped its sponsorship deal with Tiger Woods. Their complaint was that he was too literal with their old slogan, “Reach out and Touch Someone.”

AT&T claims in its advertising that it offers the best worldwide phone service. Tiger Woods seemed to make a good spokesman, as one who likes to go ‘around the world.’

AT&T had hoped Woods would help promote their popular calling features, such as call waiting and call forwarding, but Tiger was only interested in trying to get a 3 way going.

“Heavy Metal, Heavy Hearts”

Jimmy Sullivan, the drummer for the band Avenged Sevenfold died Monday. There was no sign of foul play, but an autopsy was inconclusive. The band wants to know the cause of death, since that’s how he will be avenged.

“Forget the Ginkgo”

A National Institutes of Health-sponsored study shows that Ginkgo biloba, a popular botanical memory supplement, has no effect on memory, Alzheimer’s disease, or dementia. Doctors revealed these results to their patients, and then a while later, revealed them again.

“Tossed Goss”

Jon Gosselin’s New York apartment was allegedly broken into, robbed, and vandalized over the Christmas weekend. There were no witnesses, but if there is any justice in the world, it was just Santa Claus giving Jon what he really deserved for Christmas.

Gosselin claims that clothing was cut and household items including a family-heirloom vase were broken. Gosselin’s lawyer told him this was good practice to getting used to owning only half his former belongings.

Monday, December 28, 2009

“Bank on It”

Tyra Banks told People magazine that this will be the last season of her talk show. Tyra plans to shift focus to her film production company, so that she can use an even bigger medium to annoy people.

“Big Lots”

A shopping mall in Shijiazhuang, China is opening a special underground parking lot just for women drivers, with more lighting and wider spaces to help reduce car collisions. Female mall-goers insist that they are not bad drivers just because they are women; they say it’s because they’re Asian.

The new parking lot will be accompanied by a change to the name of the shopping center to “The Stereotype Mall.”

Designers of the new parking garage are being credited with engineering achievements as well as an award for being “The World’s Most Condescending Parking Structure.”

“Gay Argentina”

Two men from Argentina became Latin America’s first legally married gay couple this week. It was the most exciting thing for gay Argentineans since Andrew Lloyd Webber’s Evita!

Details about their wedding have been few, since a Google search of Latin gay marriage only turns up Roman orgies.

“Where Were You When you Saw That Online Kennedy Shot?”

Gossip site TMZ posted a photo supposedly depicting President John F. Kennedy with naked women on a boat in the 1950’s, which was later revealed to be a hoax. The incident could have seriously marred TMZ’s journalistic integrity, if only they had any.

“Priority List”

Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, the Nigerian man charged with trying to blow up an Amsterdam flight bound for Detroit on Christmas day was not on Homeland Security’s “no-fly” list, but he was on the lower priority Terrorist Identities Datamart Environment, or TIDE, list of about 550,000 names. Not surprisingly, he was also on Santa’s “Naughty” list.

Thursday, December 24, 2009


Former President Jimmy Carter issued an open-letter apology to Jews for his 2006 book which compared Israel to Apartheid-era South Africa. However, he has yet to apologize to the rest of America for his presidency.

“Unpaid Insurance Bill”

The Senate passed its version of the healthcare bill Thursday after a debate that lasted 25 consecutive days. Coincidentally, that’s the exact average most patients wait in their doctor’s waiting rooms.

The cost of the entire packaged legislation is $871 billion, explaining why a piece of legislation is called a “bill.”

Under the plan, employers with more than 50 employees would have to provide health insurance or pay penalties. Perhaps not in the spirit of Christmas, Santa just laid off elves number 51 and up.

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid accidentally voted “nay” during the roll-call vote, but quickly changed it to an “aye.” This prompted Republicans to quickly attach a rider to the bill to outlaw vote take-backs, as well as finger-crossies and ‘Opposite Day.’

“Holiday Cheer”

The holiday of Chanukah celebrates a small portion of oil that was lit in the Jewish Temple’s holy candelabra lasting eight times its natural length of light. If the menorah powered a car, it would have been the first hybrid.

Because the menorah burned oil, Al Gore is protesting Chanukah over the use of fossil fuels.

Some Christian groups are upset at the commercialization of Christmas, and say that Santa Claus gets the attention that should be on the birth of Jesus. Tim Gunn advised the Virgin Mary to dress baby Jesus in red velvet with white faux fur accents.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

“Cocoanut Octo-Pi”

Marine biologists near Indonesia observed the first known instance of invertebrates using tools. Octopuses showed remarkable intelligence by building shelters out of cocoanut shells. However, one octopus admitted they got the idea from the Professor on Gilligan’s Island.

Scientists have been very impressed by the octopuses transporting of the materials and building the shelter. Unfortunately, that same transporting and building has pissed off local teamsters.

“Short Sentence Ends Long Story”

Richard and Mayumi Heene, the perpetrators of the “Balloon Boy” hoax, were sentenced to 90 and 20 days in jail, respectively, for influencing public officials when the couple staged the stunt. Richard Heene cried at the sentencing as he apologized, because reality show producers love to see that when they are casting.

Going to jail means being stuck in a dwelling surrounded by strangers, having to live on a strict schedule, take orders, and be under constant surveillance. So it’s just like the reality show they Heene’s always wanted.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

“Criminal Records”

Two armed gunmen robbed a rap studio located in the basement of a Woodland Hills, CA home Monday. When police arrived on the scene, they arrested the rappers out of force of habit.

The value of the stolen items was not reported, but the rap being recorded in the home studio was estimated to be worth nothing.

The gunmen in Woodland Hills robbed the rappers of camera equipment and other items. However, living in Woodland Hills, the rappers robbed themselves of all street cred.

“The 9 Commandments”

A priest with the Church of England gave a sermon advising his congregation that those who have fallen on hard times should shoplift if they’ve run out of legal options. This has been deemed great advice, since, when they get caught and go to jail, they’ll have free meals and shelter.

Keep on the lookout for homeless people holding up cardboard signs that say “Will Work for Bail Money.”

The priest says he is not ashamed of his views, but if that’s true, then why is he always wearing that ski-mask?

Some are calling for the priest to be removed from his position. If he does wind up jobless, security will be watching him very carefully at every store he enters.

The priest is a vicar in York, England. Though, with his casual attitude towards stealing, some think he might really be from New York.

The priest has seen some negative consequences to his sermon, such as criticism from police, disagreement with Church officials, and the disappearance of all his furniture and silverware.

“Maine Line”

The state of Maine is considering legislation to require cell phones to bear labels saying that they can cause brain cancer, even though the FCC says that cell phones sold in the U.S. are safe. Nationwide, this is the first time many are even being made aware of the existence of Maine.

“Driving the Point”

School systems nationwide are trimming driver’s ed curriculum due to budget cuts. The fear is that students who don’t get the training may wind up driving like Tiger Woods.

Students who can’t afford expensive private instruction are likely to just get a crash course.

“Ballooned Budget”

Richard and Mayumi Heene, the parents responsible for the “Balloon Boy” hoax, have been served a bill of $42,000 for expenses including police, National Guard, and FAA resources called into service in rescue efforts. The Heenes have counter-offered the government full rights and ownership of their six year old son.

The Heenes say they don’t have that kind of money. They would have, but Jon Gosselin narrowly beat Richard Heene out of the prize money for Douchebag of the Year.

“Into the Eye of the Stem”

British doctors have successfully used adult stem cells to restore vision in 8 patients who had blindness in one eye. Stem cells from the ‘good’ eye were transplanted into the damaged eye, restoring the cornea. The British scientists hope to use similar technology to repair teeth, if they can ever find a British person with one ‘good’ tooth.

In the procedure, stem cells were extracted from the cornea, cultured in a lab, and then transplanted. The technique would be the same in America, except the stem cells wouldn’t be as cultured.

Monday, December 21, 2009

“Way Underage Drinking”

In Tennessee, a 4 year old boy was found drunk outdoors, wearing a dress he stole from a neighbor. The boy’s mother says he was acting out over her pending divorce from his father, who is in jail. Even worse, kids at preschool nick-named him David Hasselhoff Jr..

Despite his troubles, the boy is actually quite bright. Most Tennessee boys don’t start making their own moonshine until they're 8 or 9.

The legal age to drink is 21, but in Tennessee, cops start looking the other way when you’re about 13.

Even after the divorce, the Tennessee parents will still be brother and sister.

“Nazi Crime”

The Auschwitz concentration camp’s infamous “Work sets you free” has been recovered, following its theft last week. The sign will be restored, and Polish authorities say tighter security will include lights, as soon as they can get a ladder and a team of 4 men to change the bulb.

Last week the world was shocked by the theft. In a place that’s famous world-wide for horror, atrocities, and death, the last thing you expect is vandalism.

Despite the fame of the sign, which loomed over the entrance to the camp, work did not set the prisoners free; the Russian army did.

Even though the sign has been found, Mel Gibson still maintains that there had never been one.

“Desert Foxes”

A choir teacher in Phoenix, AZ has been placed on administrative leave for bringing students to a downtown Hooters restaurant for lunch following a performance. Some feel that this was an over-reaction. Surely Hooters girls had seen high school students before.

The choir director thought she was protecting the kids. By taking them to lunch before returning to campus, it was two more hours before the choir geeks could be beaten up by the school’s jocks.

Friday, December 18, 2009

“Jon & Kate Plus Hate”

Jon and Kate Gosselin’s divorce became final on Friday, with Kate retaining the family home and primary custody of all 8 children. Kate also gets exclusive use of her awful hairstyle, because no one else would want it.

Jon retains exclusive rights to the title “douche of all douches,” but only for one year, after which, the title will be shared by the Guidos on Jersey Shore.

Often, the real losers in a divorce are the children, but in this case, the real loser is still Jon.

Their legal split was settled as a no-fault divorce, but only because the state of Pennsylvania had no provision for a TLC’s fault divorce.

Jon and Kate both say that they still may even be willing to try to reconcile, if not for themselves, at least for the sake of their beloved ratings.

“Not Orphan Enough”

A Duke University study concluded that children who live in an orphanages fare as well, physically and emotionally, as children in family homes. Upon hearing this, the Gosselins’ 8 children all moved to an orphanage.

The university’s biggest challenge for the study was to travel back in time 60 years to find an orphanage.

The study’s methods may be called into question, since their research included the observation that Little Orphan Annie sang and danced just as well at Miss Hannigan’s orphanage as she did at Daddy Warbucks’ mansion.

This research is being viewed with such skepticism that Duke University is putting the whole department up for adoption.

“Going Green”

The United States, China, India, and South Africa reached an agreement at the United Nations Climate Change Conference on Friday. They pledged to combat global warming by burning billions of dollars.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

“Down Under Downloading”

The Australian government is set to introduce nationwide, mandatory Internet filtering to block access to certain types of content depicting violent or sexual crimes. The biggest shock so far is that Australia has a government.

The filter would impact all of Australia’s 21 million Internet users. That’s 11 million if you discount kangaroos and crocodiles.

The filter technology won’t actually get rid of porn in Australia, but it will alter the image so that every person’s body will appear to have the head of Paul Hogan.

Thankfully, the filter will not give all audio an Australian accent.

“Plane as Day”

Boeing’s 787 Dreamliner made its first test flight from Washington state today. Despite two years of delays, it was still the closest to “on-time” scheduled passenger flight since 9/11.

“Cell Block”

Charles Barkley said that Tiger Woods changed the number of his cellular telephone the day after his now infamous car accident, and that tiger has not been in contact with many of his celebrity/athlete friends. In a related story, Tiger has been busy, having sex with a dozen mistresses.

Sir Charles, maybe he’s just not that into you.

Rumor has it, before his scandal broke, Tiger had been looking for stronger signal strength. Not from his cell phone, from women who wanted to get busy with him.

Tiger will now be a sprint man. Not the wireless carrier Sprint; he’ll be running for his life if his wife if she catches him cheating again.

Friday, December 11, 2009

“Jacksons’ Action”

The Jacksons: A Family Dynasty debuts this Sunday, featuring Jackie, Tito, Jermaine, and Marlon Jackson. The A & E Network had decided to pick up the series based on the success of Hoarders, their other reality show about people who can’t let go and just hang on to things forever, no matter how old and useless they’ve become.

The show is expected to be a warm, fuzzy family chronicle, until father Joe Jackson starts hanging out with Jon Goselin and douches it all up.

Some have accused the brothers of doing the show as a way to exploit their former fame to make money. In their defense, however, the needed the money to buy tickets to see Michael’s movie, This Is It.

“Carolina Governor’s Marriage Goes South”

South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford’s wife Jenny has filed for divorce, following the governor’s summer scandal over an affair with an Argentinean woman. Upon hearing the news, Tiger Woods prepared to make his move on her.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

“Mouse House Arrest”

Patrick Disney Miller, a grandson of Walt Disney, was arrested at his home on Thursday for illegal gun possession and for selling ammunition. Disney Miller described jail as “The Unhappiest Place on Earth.”

The Disney progeny did not resist arrest, but was described by police as extremely animated.

Rather than get an attorney to help with his defense, Miller plans to wish upon a star.

“Forgetting a Bad Memory”

NYU Scientists seeking treatment options for post traumatic stress say that they have discovered a way to change the response to fearful memories. It’s called alcohol.

What was promising is that the subjects of the study were able to change a negative memory response to a specific event. Less promising: because the subjects were from New York, they could remember an event any way you want for 50 bucks.

“Peace of the Action”

In his speech in Oslo, Norway Thursday, President Barack Obama defended the 2 current U.S. wars as he accepting the Nobel Peace Prize. He was also then awarded the Nobel Prize for Irony.

As a Nobel laureate, Obama joins the ranks of Martin Luther King, Jr., the Dalai Lama, Nelson Mandela, Mother Teresa, and some white people.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

“WHO Knows”

The World Health Organization says that smoking kills 5 million people every year. The tobacco industry’s reply is that millions of customers are not only satisfied; they are completely at peace.

Big Tobacco has proposed a new strategy to market only to people without jobs. If they can kill only those people, they will wipe out unemployment in 4 years.

“Is It In You?”

Gatorade announced Tuesday that they were dropping their Tiger Woods-themed line of sports drinks. This is a real setback for Tiger, not just financially, but physically, since now we know how much he has been losing fluids.

Tiger was hoping to get a new line of products with Gatorade, such as the delicious Car crash Splash and the refreshing Fire Hydrant Slam.

Based on the state of his marriage: Sour Relationship Lemon, Blue Icy Stare, and with half the calories, 50% Property Division Blast.

And based on his extra-curricular relationships: Unbridled Passion Fruit, Illicit citrus Twist, Many Mistress Mango, and of course, Penis Colada.

“Cosmetic Justice” or “Making Up Evidence”

A neo-Nazi on trial for murder in Florida is having court-ordered makeup applied to his face each day to cover a large swastika and other offensive tattoos, so as not to prejudice the jury. Said one legal analyst, “If the mascara doesn’t make his eyes pop, the electric chair will.”

As the jury decides whether or not to convict him of hate crimes, they will also ponder, “Maybe he was born with it. Maybe it’s Maybeline.”

“Caged In”

Nicolas Cage’s ex-girlfriend is suing the movie star for millions of dollars for failing to provide her with money and a house. People who saw Cage’s films Knowing, Next, and National Treasure: Book of Secrets are also suing him for failing to provide entertainment.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

“Sex Crimes”

The country of Uganda is considering a measure to outlaw homosexuality with harsh punishments, including prison sentences for those “aiding and abetting” gays as accessories to their “crimes.” The bill is promoting outrage, as everyone knows that gays need their accessories.

“Partying Down”

The National Highway Traffic safety commission says drunk driving fatalities dropped 7% in just one year. That’s because working people can’t afford booze and the unemployed got their cars repossessed.

The bad economy provides another bonus. After people get drunk they don’t have to drive home when they get to their car, because they are living in their car.

“Epic Episcopal Vote”

The Episcopal Diocese of Los Angeles has elected its second openly gay bishop, a lesbian reverend. Episcopalians opposing gay bishops have been assured that their numbers will not grow out of proportion. Especially since the gay male and female bishops refuse to mate.

In a chess game between supporters and detractors over this issue, church leaders have been unsure which way to go, leaving all the bishops only moving diagonally.

Monday, December 7, 2009

“Space Case”

The first commercial spaceship in history was unveiled Monday by Virgin Galactic. Owner Sir Richard Branson had chosen the company’s name to honor all science geeks who ever tried to build their own spaceship.

Potential passengers will be of two varieties: the super-rich who will enjoy the prestige, novelty and adventure of a pleasure ride into space, and the desperately poor who can’t find a job here on Earth.

Rival companies are working on top-secret technology to compete in the space travel business. Branson, however, is sure that by the time any of them are successful, he’ll have completed building the Death Star in orbit to shoot them down.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

“Santa’s Slay”

A suburban mall near Atlanta was evacuated Wednesday after a man who showed up dressed in elf costume told the mall’s Santa that he was carrying dynamite. The man was arrested for making terrorist threats, meaning he will be on a Homeland Security Watchlist, which Santa will check twice.

Police had to take the threat of explosives seriously, because, even though the dynamite wasn’t real, neither is Santa Claus.

A bomb squad official pointed out that if the dynamite had been real, there would have been serious danger even if the elf hadn’t detonated it, because at any time, Rudolph could have shown up with his nose lit and blown everything sky-high.

The suspect will undergo psychiatric evaluation. Experts say that it is most likely that the poor elf just wanted to be a dentist.

The evacuation of the mall went without further incident. Once shoppers left, not a creature was stirring; not even a mouse.

After the incident, Santa’s cheeks were rosy red, mainly because he’d crapped himself.

“Boyle Blows Up”

Singer Susan Boyle’s first album, I Dreamed a Dream, debuted at number 1 on the U.S. album charts, also becoming the top first-week seller of 2009. Experts attribute her success to fans confusing her with the title character in Shrek, The Musical.

Until Boyle’s album release, this year’s leader had been Eminem, for his album Relapse. This means that Susan Boyle will now have to be a part of a stunt where Sasha Baron Cohen’s butt lands on her face.

Her popularity here in the U.S. means she is already sitting pretty to record another album. Well, she’s sitting, anyway.

Boyle also broke the record for a female artist album debut, previously held by Ashanti for her self-titled 2002 release. This means Susan Boyle is, by every account, the biggest woman in music today.

“Homily Heckling”

A comedy club in a Texas strip mall and their next door neighbor, a church, are having a dispute over noise from the church’s night-time services. What bothers the comics most is that the services are often funnier than the comics.

To make everyone happy, as a compromise, the club’s comedians will start speaking in tongues and the church will institute a two-drink minimum.

“Wrapped in Cable”

Cable giant Comcast is taking control of NBC Universal, making them the largest entertainment company in America. Comcast’s first goal is to gradually turn NBC into a television network.

Forging a deal with General Electric took time and careful negotiation. Their joint venture gives Comcast 51% control of NBC, Bravo, CNBC. MSNBC, Oxygen, Telemundo, and USA Network, but also leaves them stuck with The Jay Leno Show.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

“Start Spreading the News”

New York State’s legislature rejected a bill to allow gay marriage in the state on Wednesday. The bill died in the state Senate, with 24 “yea” votes and 38 “Eh, fugget-about-it” votes.

New York is generally considered welcoming to gays, especially New York City, which even named one of its boroughs Queens.

Apparently, when state lawmakers had said before the vote that they support gay causes, they just meant Broadway.

Over the last several years, it seemed as though New York’s citizens had given more support to gays, and lesbians in particular, as evidenced when they elected Hillary Clinton to the Senate.

“Money in the Bank”

Bank of America says it will pay back the $5 billion it received in federal bailout money amid controversy of its use of assets, including million-dollar-plus cash “awards’ for executives. B of A will then charge every U.S. taxpayer a massive fee for handling their money for them.

Since the government was supposed to take back the money on a later timeline, B of A now plans to charge them a substantial penalty for early withdrawal.

The bank says it will repay all the money and receive no benefit from it… other than the normal advantages of being able to borrow $45 billion, interest-free.

Bank of America were able to use taxpayer dollars to lavish huge salaries and bonuses on their executives, thanks to the same technology they use to roll their bank vault doors open and closed: balls of steel.

“Star’s Out”

Astronomers in Germany this week published reports of observing a supernova of a massive star with the mass of 200 of our suns; an event on a scale never before seen. The star blew up with so much force and velocity, to be so widely seen, it will be named ‘Taylor Swift.’