Tuesday, October 23, 2012


The international Cycling Union announced Monday that it would not appeal the sanctions imposed on Lance Armstrong, who was stripped of all 7 titles in the Tour de France and barred for life from competing in sanctioned Olympic sports.  Adding insult to injury, his former love Sheryl Crowe has retroactively repealed everything from their relationship, especially the sex.

The UCI’s decision came after Armstrong declined to fight the doping charges against him.  No longer an inspiration to kids, his new message is, “If you fall off a bike, don’t bother getting back on.”

“Air Trafficking Controllers”

A baggage handler at New York City’s John F. Kennedy international Airport was sentenced to life in prison for in-flight drug trafficking, including hiding cocaine inside sensitive wing assembly components, potentially threatening passengers’ lives.  It’s sad, because he was the only handler who was actually careful with the luggage.

Though federal prosecutors got their conviction, the case had gotten confusing when drugs that were supposed to be shipped to one city were often diverted to another.

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

“Flavor of the Month”

Last night, Flavor Flav was arrested in Las Vegas for domestic violence.  His attitude was, “You mess with the bull, you get the plastic Viking helmet horns.”

This never would have happened in Hollywood, where for years, Flavor couldn’t even get arrested.

Flavor might be facing some heavy jail time.  If there’s one guy who understands heavy time, it’s a guy who wears a wall clock around his neck.

When an argument became heated between he and his fiancée, Flavor got the idea to, “Yo! Bum Rush the Show…rty.”

Flavor allegedly threw his fiancée to the floor, twice.  His excuse was, “Bitch should have stayed down after the first time.”

He is also accused of chasing his fiancee’s son with a knife, a felony assault charge.  At that point, witnesses called 911, but as Flavor can attest, “911 Is a Joke.”

If found guilty, after all these years, Flav is finally living up to the name Public Enemy.

Fortunately for all involved, no one was injured.  Fortunately for America, no new Flavor Flav reality show is planned.

"Fearless Fall"

Daredevil “Fearless Felix” Baumgartner broke skydiving world records Sunday, jumping from a giant balloon 24 miles up, then free-falling to speeds over 800 miles per hour.  That’s what you have to resort to when your airline has blackout days for your frequent-flyer-miles.

Felix was free-falling for over 4 straight minutes, and for part of that he was spinning completely out of control.  This means that he’s now qualified to make a comeback next year as a judge on The X Factor.

He traveled faster than the speed of sound, which was his whole objective.   Not just to be the first person to do it without a vehicle or craft, but to be able to blame the sounds of panicked screaming on a guy he claims was a thousand feet behind him.

He fell 24 Miles straight down.  Men are impressed by this.  Women are convinced he’d have landed faster if he’d stopped and asked for directions.

The entire stunt was sponsored by Red Bull, which is surprising, because they didn't give him wings.

Some spectators said the whole idea of a man risking his life for a little fame left a bad taste in their mouths.  And there’s your tie-in with Red Bull.

Because Red Bull orchestrated everything, Felix was expected to get to a high very quickly, but then crash hard and burn out.