“Flavor of the Month”

http://seattletimes.com/html/entertainment/2019453775_apusflavorflavarrested.html?prmid=head_main

Last night, Flavor Flav was arrested in Las Vegas for domestic violence.  His attitude was, “You mess with the bull, you get the plastic Viking helmet horns.”

This never would have happened in Hollywood, where for years, Flavor couldn’t even get arrested.

Flavor might be facing some heavy jail time.  If there’s one guy who understands heavy time, it’s a guy who wears a wall clock around his neck.

When an argument became heated between he and his fiancée, Flavor got the idea to, “Yo! Bum Rush the Show…rty.”

Flavor allegedly threw his fiancée to the floor, twice.  His excuse was, “Bitch should have stayed down after the first time.”

He is also accused of chasing his fiancee’s son with a knife, a felony assault charge.  At that point, witnesses called 911, but as Flavor can attest, “911 Is a Joke.”

If found guilty, after all these years, Flav is finally living up to the name Public Enemy.

Fortunately for all involved, no one was injured.  Fortunately for America, no new Flavor Flav reality show is planned.

“That’s your Cue, Harry." or "Royal Hiney"

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/entertainment/post/2012/08/prince-harry-gets-naked-in-las-vegas/1?csp=hf#.UDVH4MGPUsc

TMZ caught images of a naked Prince Harry who was apparently playing strip billiards in a Las Vegas hotel.  Luckily, before anyone could see how the billiards game was going, Harry had the sense to cover his balls.

Things got even more awkward when cameras caught Harry chalking his own cue.

Hopefully the prince remembered the first rule of naked billiards: try not to scratch on the break.

The photos have resulted in the young royal’s new nickname, Prince Hairy.

Harry claims he was just trying to sink one in the corner pocket.

Most embarrassing to the royal family: Harry must be pretty bad at billiards.

"Hospital Food"

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/46399779/ns/health-heart_health/

Tourists thought it was a joke or a hoax when a customer at the fattening food haven, “The Heart Attack Grill” in Las Vegas needed medical attention and was wheeled on a stretcher to an ambulance after eating a “Triple Bypass Burger.”  Don’t worry, though, because the customer is currently resting at home, with a gravy IV.

At the hospital, technicians checked his vital signs and drew a ketchup sample.

After the incident, many of the restaurant’s customers were depressed and experienced desperate feelings of self-loathing.  In other words, they went right back to normal.

“Player Haters” or “Dice Men”

http://travel.usatoday.com/destinations/dispatches/post/2011/10/wynn-las-vegas-sues-700000-craps-winners/550230/1?csp=hf

The Wynn Las Vegas is suing a group of craps players whom they say cheated to win $700,000.  They are also seeking punitive damages in the form of free rooms and meals at the players’ homes anytime except specific black-out days.

The casino wants their guests who play fairly to know there is nothing to be alarmed about, and invite them to stay at the tables and keep losing money.

“Strip Sale”

http://www.lvrj.com/business/las-vegas-strip-clubs-offer-discounts-in-sour-economy-126476068.html?ref=068

Due to the drop in tourist traffic since the recession, Las Vegas strip clubs are offering discounts and special offers to entice patrons.  For example, the strippers breasts are now two-for-the-price-of-one.

All apparel is already half off!

The dancers start off quoting a high price for a lap dance, but some of them are willing to go down.

“USA, Today”

http://www.usatoday.com/life/people/2011-06-19-miss-usa_n.htm

Sunday night’s Miss USA Pageant in Las Vegas had a redhead as the big winner: Donald Trump.

21-year old redhead Alyssa Campanella,, Miss California, won the tile of Miss USA at the end of the competition.  Pageant fans were just glad that the crown stayed in America.

As Miss California, her interview question was about legalizing marijuana, to which she answered that she supported medical marijuana, consistent with the state of California's stance.  She didn't say she supported full legalization, since she felt paranoid from being totally high.

“Marie Osmond in a Re-run”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/entertainment/post/2011/05/marie-osmond-to-re-marry-first-husband/1?csp=hf

Marie Osmond has remarried her first husband Stephen Craig, whom she had divorced in 1985.  Luckily he was still available, since he was currently married to only 3 other women in Utah.

The couple has a 28-year-old son, who will now be treated by both like a step-son.

Marie even wore the same wedding dress as at her first wedding.  Presumably, it wasn’t quite as white.

The pair remarried at the Mormon Temple in Las Vegas, an appropriate locale, since they obviously decided to double-down.

Marie married Stephen again because she can’t legally marry her first choice, Donny.

The wedding guests only included immediate family, so it was attended by 400.

“Trump Is a Grump”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/onpolitics/post/2011/04/donald-trump-president-f-bomb-nevada-/1

Donald Trump gave a speech in Las Vegas, but surprised listeners with an expletive-laden rant about the current administration and several issues.  Supporters had no warning that he was going to go all “Meatloaf” on them.

Trump dropped several F-bombs in front of a crowd made up mainly of Republican women’s groups. Apparently, Trump forgot that if you’re speaking live, rather than on reality TV, they can’t “bleep” you.

Trump appeared to really blow his top, yet miraculously, his hair stayed on.

“Ensignation”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/onpolitics/post/2011/04/john-ensign-resign-senate-replacement-2012-election-/1?csp=hf

John Ensign resigned as the U.S. senator from Nevada Friday, amid investigations involving his extra-marital affair and alleged bribes to cover it up.  Ensign is now the poster boy for Nevada, being involved in a sex scandal AND being unemployed.

The whole chain of events has been a shock to Nevadans.  Not the affair; that they are used to.  But what happened in Vegas did not stay in Vegas.

“Sightless Suit”

http://travel.usatoday.com/flights/post/2011/04/blind-federation-sues-las-vegas-airport/150330/1

The National Federation for the Blind is suing Las Vegas’s McCarran Airport for failing to make its self-serve kiosks operable by the visually impaired. Blind people trying to use them had been putting in quarters and wondering why they never won.

The airport intends to claim that they, too, are visually impaired, because they never saw this coming.

It may be hard to get thee courts to be impartial in the case, since Justice is also blind.

"Golden Opportunity"

http://travel.usatoday.com/destinations/dispatches/post/2011/01/las-vegas-atm-dispenses-gold/138002/1

The Golden Nugget Casino in Las Vegas has installed an ATM-type machine that dispenses 24-carat gold bars. And because it’s Vegas, the bars never close.

The gold is offered as an investment opportunity. In other words, double down.

“Chips are Down”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/ondeadline/post/2010/12/gunman-on-motorcycle-robs-bellagio-casino-of-15-million-in-chips/1

A gunman wearing a motorcycle helmet robbed the Bellagio Hotel/Casino of over $1.5 million in chips Tuesday. He’d have gotten away, too, but valet motorcycle parking was free.

Police will apprehend him while he’s waiting for his complimentary cocktail.

Since casino chips have no cash value outside the casino where they are used, police are assuming the man’s helmet is depriving his brain of oxygen, so they’ll catch him when he calls 911.

After tipping the dealer, pit boss, bellman, housekeeper, bartender, cocktail waitress, restroom attendant, maitre D’, food server, and doorman, and limo driver, he got away with 100 bucks.

There’s an easier way to walk out of a Las Vegas casino with $1.5 million. Walk in with $3 million.

“Museum Strikes Final Chord”

http://travel.usatoday.com/destinations/dispatches/post/2010/10/las-vegas-liberace-museum-closing/127522/1

The Libarace Museum in Las Vegas is closing its doors after 31 years. Liberace, who died in 1987 is best remembered for his glitzy, outlandish costumes and flamboyant style while tickling the ivories. But he also played the piano.

The museum’s goal was to not close until one straight men paid for entry. In other words, they wanted to stay open forever.

“Use the Name ‘Simpson’ in a Sentence”

O.J. Simpson was sentenced to prison today. He will serve 15 to 33 years for kidnapping, robbery, and weapons convictions stemming from storming a Las Vegas hotel room for sports memorabilia he claimed was his. For legal analysts discussing whether the punishment fits the crime: it fits like a glove.

Simpson, now a resident of Florida, will serve out his sentence in a Nevada state prison. Like they say, “What happens in Vegas…”

The judge is known for doling out tough sentences, but she still wasn’t the most fearsome person in the room. At least she never killed anybody.

Simpson pleaded for leniency from the court, without a written or prepared statement. That’s probably smart, since the last thing he wrote was “If I Did It.”