“Forest Chump”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/ondeadline/post/2012/06/german-forest-boy-mystery-solved-dutch-youth-made-it-up/1#.T9tvWxc192A

After almost a year, the young man who had become famous as Germany’s “Forest Boy,” claiming to have lived in a tent in the woods for 5 years, has admitted that he made the whole thing up.  Police had been unable to see the forest through the trees.

The 20-year-old from the Netherlands will now be known as “The Lying Dutchman.”

Berlin Police had been suspicious of the young man’s story, but they had no ways of making him talk.

Dutch authorities are now wondering what happened to his sister, who was last seen in the forest on her way to a house made of gingerbread.

“Dirty, Dirty Bomb”

http://edition.cnn.com/2012/04/30/world/al-qaeda-documents-future/?hpt=hp_c1

CNN says that Maqsood Lodin, a suspected al-Qaida operative caught in Germany  was carrying a memory stick hidden in his underwear that had terrorist plans encoded  within a pornographic movie.  Security agents find the information on the sticks extremely valuable – and not just for the porn.

The plans include details for attacks on ships, bombings of hotels, and execution of civilians.  It almost makes you not want to search people’s underwear.

Thogh terrorists anger and hate are often hard to understand, security agents were able to confirm that the tiny memory stick was the biggest things in Maqsood’s underwear.

In a counter terror analysis of the material on the memory stick, the porno featured terrible acting and  a weak plot. 

"Of Mice and Se-Men"

http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-504763_162-57351397-10391704/scientists-grow-mouse-sperm-in-laboratory-can-it-help-humans/

A team of German scientists say they have been able to grow mouse sperm in a laboratory.  The hard part was getting their hands on mouse porn.

Future applications for this study could mean an end to fertility problems for men.  Assuming they don’t mind babies who look like mice.

There have been millions of previous occasions when a mouse helped a man produce sperm, but until now, it was always a computer mouse.

“Crabbing On” or “Crab on the Hoff Shell”

http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/blogpost/post/hasselhoff-crab-discovered-in-antarctic-deep-sea-vents/2012/01/04/gIQAzM4QaP_blog.html?wprss=blogpost

Scientists in the Antarctic have discovered a new sub-species of Yeti crab which they have nicknamed the Hasselhoff crab, after David Hasselhoff, because it appears to have a hairy chest.  Hasselhoff is certainly not, however, the first Baywatch cast member to have crabs.

The crabs are protected by a hard shell that is bulletproof and has both computer intelligence and a turbo boost.

The Hasselhoff crabs also walk sideways, but that’s because they are drunk.

The new species is already topping the pop charts in Germany.

"Tax Tricks"

The German city of Bonn has installed a meter to tax prostitutes for soliciting on its streets.  The money is then collected by the Head Meter Maid.

The fact is, prostitutes can make a lot of money.  So the government decided they wanted to get a piece of that.

At least they are pumping money into the economy.

And watch out, girls.  If you don’t pay the meter, they will ticket your ass.

It’s a porking ticket.

For working girls who don’t pay, the fines aren’t the only thing that can get pretty stiff.

The tax is a flat rate of $8.70 per night, making the city of Bonn the world’s cheapest pimp.

“Ob-scenery” or “Happy Trail” or “Putting the ‘Buff’ in Nature Buff”

http://www.time.com/time/world/article/0,8599,2076783,00.html

This week, Germany opened a nude-friendly hiking trail.  Hikers are warned to take care not to get lost amid the dense German bushes.

The trail is clearly marked with pointing arrows, among other things.

The hiking trail is sure to be a beautiful, paradise in nature… filled only with old, naked fat men.

“Mail Tarantulas”

http://www.reuters.com/article/idUSTRE70I0EG20110119?feedType=RSS&feedName=domesticNews&rpc=22&sp=true

A German man has pleaded guilty to smuggling charges for shipping hundreds of live tarantulas into the United States. He says he worked alone, but authorities think he was using a leg man.

The spiders are a protected species because they are considered threatened, mostly by dangerous stunts in a Broadway show.

Despite the fact that some people are afraid of them, describing them as scary-looking or creepy, the fact is, most Germans are very nice people.