“Dirty, Dirty Bomb”

http://edition.cnn.com/2012/04/30/world/al-qaeda-documents-future/?hpt=hp_c1

CNN says that Maqsood Lodin, a suspected al-Qaida operative caught in Germany  was carrying a memory stick hidden in his underwear that had terrorist plans encoded  within a pornographic movie.  Security agents find the information on the sticks extremely valuable – and not just for the porn.

The plans include details for attacks on ships, bombings of hotels, and execution of civilians.  It almost makes you not want to search people’s underwear.

Thogh terrorists anger and hate are often hard to understand, security agents were able to confirm that the tiny memory stick was the biggest things in Maqsood’s underwear.

In a counter terror analysis of the material on the memory stick, the porno featured terrible acting and  a weak plot. 

“Underwear Bomber: Guilty Pleasure?”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/ondeadline/post/2011/10/underwear-bomber-changes-plea-to-guilty/1

Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, the so-called “Underwear Bomber” pleaded guilty to trying to blow up a plane as a passenger in flight, on Christmas, 2009.  He had originally planned to plead not guilty, but was convinced to change both his plea and his underwear.

Umar called the bomb he carried a “Blessed weapon,” which was proven to be true when, instead  of killing innocent people on a plane, it just burned his junk.

In reference to the underwear incident, he read from a brief, not boxer, statement.

In addition to possible consecutive life sentences, the 8 charges to which he pleaded carry fines of $250,000 as well.  So by blowing up his underwear, he really lost his ass.

Details of his injuries were not specific, but it is widely believed that since his bomb went off, there’s no more fruit in the loom.

The bomber threatened the United States with further violence, adding, “If you laugh at us now, we will laugh at you later.”  The United States, meanwhile, did not laugh at any violence, but couldn’t help but chuckle at the guy who ignited a bomb in his own underwear and burned his butt off.

Because of his bad underwear experience, if he ever plans another military style attack, he’d prefer to go commando.

“Military Briefs”

http://www.usatoday.com/news/military/2011-02-03-1Aieds03_ST_N.htm

The Army is experimenting with heavy silk underwear to protect soldiers’ groin areas and abdomens from makeshift land-mines. Operation Silk Underwear was previously the name of the Army’s covert project to rally support for the repeal of Don’t Ask Don’t Tell.

The silk underwear will be issued to soldiers unless they are literally going commando.

“Training Pants”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/ondeadline/post/2011/01/naked-chinese-man-a-folk-hero-after-being-denied-train-ticket/1

A Chinese man denied a train ticket in Zhejiang became a viral sensation and folk hero after he stripped to his under wear in the train station in protest. Once he took off his pants, passengers were warned not to touch the third rail.

Video of the man went viral after they got a good shot of the caboose.

“TSA T&A”

http://newsok.com/in-bra-panties-and-wheelchair-woman-goes-through-oklahoma-city-airport-screening-this-mornin%20%20g/article/3519710?custom_click=lead_story_title

Tammy Vanobac, a woman in a wheelchair who missed her flight after failing to pass an airport security check in Oklahoma City Tuesday, showed up Wednesday wearing nothing but a black bra and panties. She passed the screening in her underwear, but forfeited her status as a “first class” passenger.

In her first attempt to board a day earlier, TSA agents said her wheelchair showed traces of nitrates, which can be used in bombs. In her screening upon her return the next day, the TSA only detected traces of bikini wax.

Had she been arrested today in her bra, onlookers would have seen quite a bust.

Despite paralysis of her legs, bra-clad Tammy proved that she can still handle a push-up.

Even after passing through security, she was almost kicked off the plane because she was smokin’!

“Brief Mission” or “Fly Boys”

Aboard the International Space Station this week, Japanese astronaut Koicha Wakata’s mission includes testing new underpants made for life in space. The first problem, of course, is that in zero-gravity, underwear tends to ride up.

The underpants are made to be super-absorbent of sweat, insulated, quick-drying, and antibacterial. The only known design flaw is that they have not been able to make them wedgie-proof.
-This is a real disadvantage, since many space exploration scientists are vulnerable due to their classification as nerds.

The real question is, in the tense moments leading up to a landing back on earth, can the underwear handle a splashdown?

Space agencies are trying to extend the life of disposable garments used in space, since there isn’t a sufficient water supply to wash them. Dry cleaning is out of the question, based on the risk that the astronauts might forget their ticket.

The European Space Agency is way ahead of NASA in both the “not washing clothes” and “not bathing” areas.

Mr. Wakata cannot change the underwear more than once a week for the test, an element described as the “mother’s shame” factor.

Japan is confident in Wakata’s piloting skills, as well, stating that he could land a space shuttle on any runway, without so much as leaving a skid mark.

Strict military rank and protocol prevent any astronauts from voluntarily “going commando.”

Astronomers have discovered a big hole in the universe, and have no explanation so far for how or why it came to be there. Then they remembered that one day the universe got snagged on the corner of that file cabinet, and the hole probably just grew from there.

The massive void is 1 billion light years across, containing no stars, black holes, not even dark matter. Just nothing. For the sake of measuring the nothingness, scholars are comparing it to our Iraq War exit strategy.

The scientific community, awed by the sheer lack of substance of the hole, plan to use this phenomenon to learn more about the inside of Paris Hilton’s head.



Two towns in Louisiana have passed a ban on wearing pants that sag to show a persons underwear or bare skin. At last we will see an end to the crime wave caused by refrigerator repairmen.

Violation of the law could result in a fine and community service. Further, any adult male wearing tighty whities will be shot on sight.

The law does send a powerful message to today’s youth. Just say no to crack.

Opposition says they will fight the new law and not give up. At least for now, there is no end in sight.

Critics fear the first case brought to court, where the prosecutor tells jurors that they have to check out Exhibit A.

Of course, special permits will be issued to superheroes who wear their underwear on the outside.