“A Dead Devil's Diary"

http://www.usatoday.com/news/world/2011-05-11-bin-Laden-journal_n.htm?csp=hf

The Associated press reported that U.S. officials are in possession of Osama bin Laden’s hand-written, personal journal, which shows how immersed he still was in all of al-Qaeda’s activities up until his death.  Also, not surprisingly, according to the journal he had a secret crush on George W. Bush.

Journal entries included ideas for terror attacks on smaller U.S. cities, targeting trains as well as planes, and trying to maximize the number of American casualties.  Also, a lot of flowers and hearts in the margins.

Because the journal was supposed to be private, the Pakistani government is pretending they didn’t already see and read it from cover to cover.

“Al-Qaida: Haters”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/ondeadline/post/2011/05/al-qaeda-confirms-osama-bin-ladens-death-in-internet-statement/1

Al-Qaida has confirmed the death of Osama bin Laden – or are they just lying to protect him?

In their long, eleven-paragraph Internet statement, al-Qaida threatened new attacks on America.  That’s right; eleven paragraphs.  Apparently they are now trying to bore us to death.

As soon as al-Qaida admitted they were angry that bin Laden’s life had been cut short, all of their suicide-bombers-in-training stopped what they were doing and said, “Aha!”

Al-Qaida’s new terror threats were vague, and with one of their main financiers and leader gone, their new attacks may be things like grafitti on billboards, throwing eggs at government buildings, or streaking on college campuses. 

Their chant of “Death to America” being replaced by “You got punk’d, America!”

“Meet the Seals”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/theoval/post/2011/05/obama-to-meet-soldiers-in-the-bin-laden-operation/1

On Friday, President Obama is scheduled to meet some of the Navy Seals who were involved in the operation that killed Osama Bin Laden.  Fox News has predicted that Obama will kill all of the seals so the operation will have no loose ends.

“Indian Burn” or “Geronimo!”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/ondeadline/post/2011/05/use-of-geronimo-codename-in-bin-laden-operation-stirs-american-indian-backlash/1

It has been reported that the code-name “Geronimo” was used for the operation that killed Osama bin Laden, generating a backlash from offended Native Americans.  The operation’s name will retro-actively be changed, to The Kansas City Chiefs.

Now some Indian leaders are really on the warpath.  Time to circle the wagons.

Native Americans criticized the use of the name in association of an American enemy as a reinforcement of negative Indian stereotypes.  The U.S. government will address the issue Thursday in a conference, to you, know, extend the peace pipe.

Some Native American leaders replied, “Woo woo. woo woo!  Woo woo, woo woo!”

The Native American conference was scheduled after the government’s failed attempt to buy their silence with a basket of some very pretty beads.

Incidentally, Osama bin Laden’s code-name in the operation was Jackpot, which, of course, has offended Las Vegas casinos and their players.

“Bin Laden, Been Found, Been Killed”

http://www.usatoday.com/news/washington/2011-05-02-Obama-says-Osama-bin-Laden-killed-_n.htm?csp=hf

President Obama announced last night that Osama bin Laden has been killed by American forces in an operation in Pakistan.  Bin Laden was al-Qaida’s mastermind behind the 9/11 attacks on New York and Washington D.C., the U.S.S. Cole, and 2 U.S. embassies in Africa.  He also stole the idea of Facebook from the Winelvoss twins.

Obama gave the order for the operation a week ago, when intelligence sources learned that bin Laden was still saying Obama wasn’t born in America.

Bin Laden’s death leaves a vacancy in the leadership of al-Qaida.  Students on American college campuses are already demanding that al-Qaida elect its new leader through a fair and democratic election.

The White House has said that they would have captured bin Laden alive, had that been possible.  But it became impossible when bin Laden had pledged that, if he was brought to the USA, he would have voted Republican in the 2012 election.

Before his address to inform the public on television, President Obama had called former Presidents Clinton and Bush.  He called Clinton to say “what’s up,” and called Bush to say “ha-ha.”

Former President Bush might have found bin Laden, but he had been following a lead to look for him in Percoset.

Some have noted that the announcement of Osama bin Laden’s death came on the same date as the announcement of Adolph Hitler’s death, May 1^st.  It’s not just a coincidence.  If bin Laden’s death had been announced April 1^st, no one would have believed it. 

Celebrations that broke out in Washington D.C., and New York City, where al-Qaida’s deadly attacks had hit American soil.  Critics have said that the celebrations are not the American way to commemorate the news.  The proper way is to quickly produce and sell cheap, crappy memorabelia.

Perhaps only for today, but still interestingly, Moammar Gadhaffi seems to have shut the hell up.

"Bin Laden Audio"

http://www.usatoday.com/news/world/2011-01-21-bin-laden-france_N.htm?csp=hf

Osama bin Laden, while admitting that al-Qaeda is holding 7 French hostages, has demanded that France withdraw its troops from Afghanistan. He just can’t stand the smell any longer.

Bin Laden’s message was sent as an audio recording broadcast on the Arabic news channel Al-Jazeera, where he continues to regularly send mix tapes and his voice-over audition reel.