“Bus Load”

http://www.usatoday.com/yourlife/fitness/2011-03-21-busweight21_ST_N.htm

The Federal Transit Authority wants to raise the assumed average weight for bus passengers due to safety concerns, such as safe stopping distance. On the other hand, in the event of a crash, Americans will remain safely wedged into their seats until butter and a crowbar are used to dislodge their fat asses.

Also, despite all the extra weight on the wheels, the buses don’t ever have to worry about getting a flat, since fat passengers are all carrying their own spare tire.

“White Sheen” or “Emergency Line”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/entertainment/post/2011/02/charlie-sheen-911-call-released-1/1

The 911 call placed from Charlie Sheen’s house on the night he went to the hospital was released Wednesday by the L.A. Fire Department. Apparently, the emergency operator picked up the phone and crack cocaine just started pouring out of it.

The call was placed by Dr. Paul Nassif, while Charlie was on another line. Of cocaine.

While on the phone, Dr. nassid was running around the house trying to find the exact address for the dispatcher. Luckily, EMT’s were able to find the house just by following the trail of white powder.

“Snow Job”

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/40656640/ns/local_news-chicago_il/?Gt1=43001

A video on YouTube showing a bus driver hitting a snowman in the road earlier this month at the University of Illinois has resulted in the driver’s quitting his job. Despite his resignation, other snowmen in the area are so scared they are frozen stiff.

Forensics experts believe that the snowman may have just started to thaw, because evidence shows that in the seconds before the bus struck him, he made a puddle.