“Chik-Fil-Ain’t “

http://www.thewrap.com/movies/article/jim-henson-company-ends-business-relationship-chick-fil-over-anti-gay-views-48796

The Jim Henson Company has broken all business ties with restaurant chain Chik-Fil-A over the restaurant chain’s president’s statement that the company is against gay marriage.  The Henson Company mainly did so to show support for their own, Bert & Ernie.

Particularly relieved about the break of ties is one member of the Henson family who has always had reservations about being associated with a fast food chicken restaurant – Big Bird.

Chik-Fil-A has not made any public statement saying whether they approve of a marriage between a frog and a pig.

A spokesman for the Henson Company said that when it comes to politics, they won’t let themselves be anyone’s puppet.

Chik-Fil-A isn’t worried about their stance hurting sales of their chicken breast filets, because, they say, gays aren’t interested in breasts anyway.

“American Mimi”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/livefrom/post/2012/07/carey-joins-american-idol-judging-panel/1#.UA2wQ2E192A

Pop-star Mariah Carey has officially signed on to be a judge on the next season of American Idol.  Making the producers’ decision easier, Mariah can make use of all of the flowing, ruffled, and lacey wardrobe pieces left behind by Steven Tyler.

Mariah is going to be the new “mean” judge.  Any of the singers who are bad will be forced to watch her movie, Glitter.

Mariah will be filling the ‘Diva’ role, taking over for Ryan Seacrest.

“Not-So-Concealed Weapon”

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/07/16/jonah-falcon-largest-penis-frisked-by-tsa_n_1675767.html#slide=1228178

A man going through the San Francisco airport was frisked and searched due to the apparent, oversized bulge in his pants, which just turned out to be his unusually large penis.   Because it was San Francisco, suspicion wasn’t all he aroused.

Thousands of locals are demanding that the man be detained indefinitely.

Still, the TSA does have to be on the lookout for biological weapons.

The TSA agent who suspected him really pulled a boner this time.

In the future, the TSA reserves the right to ask him to have his package checked.

Thought the man was suspected of carrying contraband, he wasn’t.  Still, he’s been sentenced to be hung.

To give you an idea of just how big his manhood is, he was seated in Coach, but his penis was in First Class.

After the plane took off, the tower radioed the pilot to bring up the landing gear.  The pilot had to tell them, “Um, that’s not the landing gear.”

“Tyler's Permanent Vacation”

Steven Tyler has announced that he will not return to American Idol as a judge for season 12.  He said that he wants to focus on his main job, playing Flo for Progressive Insurance commercials.

Tyler wasn’t planning on showing up for season 12, mainly because he doesn’t remember having been a judge for seasons 10 and 11.

The truth is, once Tyler figured out he wasn’t going to bang J. Lo, he thought, “What’s the point?”

The media have not heard any further comment from Steven, because the microphone in his cell phone is wrapped in several long, colorful scarves.

“The Big Con”

The annual comic book and entertainment convention Comic-Con kicked off in San Diego Thursday.  The convention visitors dress in their coolest outfit, try to impress other attendees, and spend so much money that by the end, they feel like they know what it’s like to have been on a date.

Excited conventioneers have waited all year for the chance to see excusive footage of upcoming movies, TV shows, video games, and more.  Meanwhile, excited parents have waited all year to have their 30-year old sons out of the house for a weekend.

“Wearing Protection”

The U.S. Army says that they are developing body armor for female soldiers inspired by Xena, Warrior Princess.  Because they’ve figured out that the enemy can’t fight while they have an erection.

The armor will initially be for special operations, but it will then survive forever in syndication.

The women wearing the armor will be facing dangers such as poor plot construction and bad acting.

“Small Apples”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/technologylive/post/2012/07/report-apple-has-mini-ipad-in-the-works-due-this-fall/1

Apple is set to release a new, smaller version of the iPad in October, called the “mini iPad.”  Though, for the last few years, industry insiders have been calling it the iPod Touch.

To compete with Kindle and Google hand-held devices, the smaller iPad is expected to be available at a much lower price-point, starting at around $199.  However, as always, Apple is working hard to drive the price up.

“Lifeguard Save”

http://usnews.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2012/07/05/12582497-lifeguard-who-was-fired-for-trying-to-rescue-man-is-offered-job-back?lite

A Florida lifeguard who was fired for saving the life of a beach-goer outside his coverage section was offered his job back, but has declined it.  Apparently, they wanted him to promise to let anyone else outside his section die.

Hopefully his career can be revived..

Being reinstated wouldn’t help him climb the corporate ladder, only a short ladder to a high chair.

Since the firing, several other lifeguards quit in protest.  As a result, the beach has a shortage of swimsuit-clad hard-bodies running in slow-motion.

HAPPY INDEPENDENCE DAY!

Enjoy a fun and safe 4th of July, everyone.
God Bless America!

“Female Footballer”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/gameon/post/2012/07/us-womens-soccer-player-im-gay/1?csp=hf

U.S Women’s soccer player Megan Rapinoe has come out publicly saying she is gay.  Her discovery of this first came when she realized that she was a woman soccer player.

Soccer was a natural choice for Megan, since she’s never had any desire to touch balls with her hands.

There hasn’t been any backlash from fans.  In fact, male fans now think she’s hotter.

The announcement puts a spotlight not only on her, and on the upcoming London Olympic Games, but this news may even let Americans find out what soccer is.

“The Smell of City Hall”

http://www.usatoday.com/news/nation/story/2012-07-02/fragance-ban-allergies/55988704/1?csp=hf

In Tuttle, OK and several other cities are starting to enforce a “no fragrance” policy in municipal buildings to spare allergy sufferers the effects of perfumes and colognes.   The policy is providing proof that local politics stink.

It turns out that in most cases, it wasn’t perfumes, but policies that were making people feel sick.

“Thank God for Science”

http://www.usatoday.com/tech/science/story/2012-07-02/god-particle-evidence-cern/55981840/1?csp=hf

Scientists believe they have found what they call the ‘God particle,’ so named for its difficulty to find and prove beyond a doubt.  Until now, the scientists simply accepted the existence of the particle on faith.

It turns out, all they had to do all along was believe, and the particle revealed itself to them.

The scientists immediately began fighting and killing each other over their own interpretation of what the particle wants.

There are some scientists who are still unconvinced.  They are called atheist-scientists.

“Anderson Coup”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/entertainment/post/2012/07/anderson-cooper-the-fact-is-im-gay/1#.T_IocBc192A

CNN’s Anderson Cooper has come out, openly saying he is gay.  Cooper has long thought to have been gay, because he hangs out with Kathy Griffin.

Cooper could have revealed his sexuality at any time on CNN, except it isn’t news to anyone.

Anderson says he has always been gay, but he also spent his entire childhood being dressed by Gloria Vanderbilt.

In fact, the only evidence that there has ever been to suggest Cooper might not be gay is the fact that he doesn’t dye his hair.

Most people don’t seem to care that that Cooper is homosexual, only that he’s a journalist.  Although, now that he’s out, there are those who will label him as a “correspondent.”

Now that one of CNN’s biggest names has come out, CNN’s challenge to FOX News is this: Your turn, Bill O’Reilly.

“Marriage: A Risky Business” or Marriage Impossible: Gay Protocol”

http://www.tmz.com/2012/06/29/tom-cruise-katie-holmes-divorce/

According to TMZ, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are going to divorce after 5 years of marriage.  Or at least, 5 years of pretend marriage.

Tom and Katie supposedly have a prenup, so he will likely keep most of his assets after the divorce is final, and Katie will get to go have sex with a man.

The divorce finally came because after five years, you can’t help but get tired of a partner who just isn’t as much of a man as you want.  And Katie probably has her reasons, too.

As husbands go, Tom came up a bit short.

The marriage has shown signs of strain ever since America saw all the sexual tension in Tom’s interview with Matt Lauer.

Rumor has it that Tom slept with as many women on the set of Rock of Ages as he has on every other movie he’s done: none.

Tom will continue with his movie career, and Katie will go back to Dawson’s Creek.  Not the show; that was cancelled years ago.  She’s actually going to a tiny town called Dawson’s Creek.

Their daughter Suri Cruise is confused by the whole thing, but she does understand even though her 2 mommies love her very much, they won’t be living together in separate bedrooms anymore.

Tom insists that his marriage to Katie and their family life was real.  He says, “If I was going to fabricate the basic structural elements for a group of people to build their lives around, pretending it had depth or meaning, getting them to grow within that structure, the whole time knowing it’s a complete farce, I would have invented Scientology.

“Weight of their Words”

http://www.usatoday.com/news/health/story/2012-06-26/obesity-screening/55817686/1

The U.S. Preventative Services Task Force is calling on doctors to be the “gateway” for obese patients seeking to lose weight, since medical professionals should know which diets and other methods are safe and effective.  The physicians are willing to act as gateways, the problem is that most of their patients no longer fit through a standard size gate.

One thing that’s hurting patients’ confidence in informed medical opinions:  fat doctors.

“Water Test”

http://travel.usatoday.com/destinations/dispatches/post/2012/06/survey-clean-beaches-national-resources-defense-council/789540/1?csp=hf

The Natural Resources Defense Council’s annual report on beach safety is being released today, naming the worst beaches for pollution and health violations, including beaches in California, Illinois, and Louisiana high on the list.  Still, the most bacteria-infected body of water is the Jersey Shore hot tub.

In California, both Avalon and Doheny State Beach were reported for persistant contamination problems.  Not surprisingly, the number one contributing factor towards water-borne diseases on the beaches of California is the Kardashians.

“Airport/Job Security”

http://travel.usatoday.com/flights/post/2012/06/tsa-newark-screeners-fired/792310/1

The TSA said Wednesday that they fired 8 of their workers at the Newark airport for various violations, including sleeping on the job.  First the TSA agents were feeling up passengers, now they sleeping with them.

The TSA looked at several job performance factors, and while some employees had to be let go, those who were the very worst at their jobs got promoted.

The workers were allowed to pack up their personal effects in a box, as long as there were no liquid containers larger than 3 oz.

Now those workers are about to find out how much harder it is to do a job search than it is to administer a strip search.

Fired workers are hoping to find another job that requires advanced groping skills.

“Trebek’s Heart in Jeopardy!”

http://wonderwall.msn.com/tv/jeopardy-host-trebek-suffers-mild-heart-attack-1689500.story

Alex Trebek has suffered a mild heart attack.  EMTs were on the scene quickly, but the money was only awarded to the one with the quickest response.

Now Alex is trying to get answers from his doctors, but the doctors have to phrase them in the form of a question.

While in the hospital, Alex was given a single room, but opted to downgrade to a Daily Double.

On the plus side, Trebek’s doctors tend to be smarter than, say, Wheel of Fortune’s doctors.

When the first paramedic hit his defibrillator, it locked out the others’ defibrillators, so they didn’t have the chance to buzz in.

A normal, human heart has 4 chambers, 2 auricles, and 2 ventricles.  Trebeks has 5 chambers per row, in 6 different categories.

Alex Trebek’s hospital gown was furnished by Mr. Guy of Beverly Hills.

To prevent another heart attack, Alex may have to be more careful with his diet and other lifestyle factors, depending on how much he wants to wager.

Before his cardiologist told Alex the results of his tests, Trebek already knew – but only because he was had the answers on the index cards he was holding.

Trebek’s heart surgeon operated in exchange for promotional consideration.

The medical bills will be for thousands and thousands of dollars.  Luckily for Alex, what  Medicare won’t cover, Ken Jennings will.

If Alex doesn’t take his doctor’s advice, he could be putting himself in double Jeopardy!

When asked what the heart attack was like, Trebek described it as feeling like someone put one of his Emmy awards on his chest.

While in the hospital, Trebek won a Daytime Emmy award as the host of Jeopardy.  To win more votes next year, Pat Sajak is planning a heart attack right before the Daytime Emmys. 

"No Hitter"

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/dailypitch/post/2012/06/roger-clemens-verdict/1#.T9-XRhc192C

Roger Clemons was found not guilty in his perjury trial in Washington, D.C., stemming from his testimony given to Congress in 2008 about using steroids.  Of course, in the official court documents, the words “Not guilty” will be followed by an asterisk.

When the verdict was read, spectators saw Clemons hug family members.  Had he been found guilty, they would have seen ‘roid rage.

Prosecutors really expected a conviction, so Clemons acquittal really threw them a curve.

Because Clemons was a pitcher, he was worried about the government’s “3 strikes” rule.

The government has been upset since the original steroids trials, because without a multi-million-dollar contract, Clemons wasn’t willing to play ball.

“Hall of Television”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/entertainment/post/2012/06/arsenio-hall-returning-to-late-night-tv/1#.T9-vahc192A

Arsenio Hall will return to TV as the host of a new syndicated late-night talk show next year.  Though he’s been away from the format since 1994, Arsenio said, “I beat Johnny Carson before; I can do it again.”

 In geometric terms, this is the chance for the Triangle Head to come full circle.

The show is set to air in the fall of 2014, unless, by then, it’s been stolen by Jay Leno.

Arsenio is excited to come back to TV, but he’s really excited about doing it without Donald Trump.

Since Arsenio won this season's Celebrity Apprentice, he figures that now, he ought to become a celebrity again.