Friday, June 27, 2008

According to a new study conducted at universities in Warsaw and Montreal, over 90% of all people can carry a tune. Further research proves that the ability to identify those who can carry a tune includes everyone except Paula Abdul.

Miley Cyrus spoke out about her controversial photographs where she was covered with a sheet, but apparently topless. Miley said, ‘It still hurts when I think about it,” following in the tradition of former teen pop stars like Britney Spears and Jessica Simpson, who have also claimed that it hurts when they think.

A Malibu woman is building her new house out of a recycled 747 airliner. The good news is that her home makes good use of the used materials. The bad news is that if she has guests who saty over, they will be charged $25 per suitcase.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

“Shooting, from a Little More than Half Court”

In a landmark decision today, The U.S. Supreme Court ruled that Americans right to bear arms is not limited to state militias, but includes individuals right to protect their homes. This is a major victory for the NRA, but is a serious blow to the National Burglars’ Association.

The ruling overturns a Washington, DC ban on hand guns. While that law was in effect, DC residents were only able to rely on the Capitol’s traditional weapon: blackmail.

The Justices were split, 5 to 4 with the majority ruling in favor of hand gun rights, and then shooting the 4 dissenting Justices.

“Commercials’ Property”

Famous side-kick and pitch-man Ed McMahon is reportedly facing foreclosure on his Beverly Hills mansion. Friend and co-star Dick Clark says that this has to be one of the real estate market's biggest Bloopers, or else, a Practical Joke.

Ed’s biggest regret now is that he isn’t eligible for the American Family Publisher’s sweepstakes. If he was, he might already have won $10,000,000.

If he is able to come up with the back payments he owes, Ed will surely announce, “Heeee-eere’s… Money!”

“Don’t Mock Him ‘Til You Try Him”

In an interview Tuesday, O.J. Simpson said that his sports memorabilia robbery and kidnapping case wouldn’t even be going to trial if he was anybody else. Weakening his argument is that fact that 2 other co-defendants charged in the case are also going to trial.

Simpson maintains that he is being singled out. That might be true, but he’s the only one who was robbing and kidnapping people.

O.J. implied that the prosecutor was only pursuing this case for personal gain. Kind of like a guy acquitted in a high profile murder case and then writing a book called If I Did It.

Simpson was charged in Las Vegas but was traveling through North Dakota and Minnesota at the time of his interview. He left California following his famous murder trial, claiming to be broke, and is now based in Florida, where he somehow makes a living as a professional vacationer.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

“American Bridal”

Former American Idol champion Ruben Studdard is getting married. A big wedding is planned for this Saturday. At the reception, they will have dinner service for 350 and a 7-tier wedding cake. And there might also be some food for the guests.

Despite Clay Aiken’s success in Broadway’s “Spamalot.” Ruben Studdard’s wedding news seems to be overshadowing him. But then again, Studdard casts a pretty big shadow.

Ruben famously beat Clay in an upset on the 2nd season of American Idol, and is once again getting the most media attention. Poor Clay. Always a bride’s maid, never a bride.

Getting a Leg Up

Scientists have discovered the most primitive tetrapod, or 4-limbed creature, in Earth’s history. After much research, anthropologists confirmed that it’s “Girls Gone Wild” owner Joe Francis.

The fossil, found in Latvia, includes a skull, and parts of its shoulders and pelvis that indicate the 365 million-year-old animal had developed legs instead of fins. Sadly, the statement that leg development was an evolutionary step forward immediately enraged the world’s Mermaids.

Monday, June 23, 2008

'Bye George: Tribute to an Icon

The world of comedy suffered a tragic loss over the weekend. (No, I wasn’t performing.) Legendary stand-up comic George Carlin died on Sunday night. His last words were not reported, but one can assume there were 7 and that you could never say them on TV.

A comic who frequently ridiculed language breakdowns caused by euphemisms, he experienced a cardiac incident and passed away. Or, his heart stopped and he dropped dead.

The cause of death was reported as heart failure. It was either that or one too many anti-God jokes.

Everyone knew Carlin was a pioneer. And not just because of the beard and ponytail.

Carlin was scheduled to be given the Mark Twain Prize at the Kennedy Center Awards later this year. A fitting honor for Carlin, who, with a bolo tie and his hair mussed, would look exactly like Twain.

Carlin really was a lot like Mark Twain. Both: geniuses. Both: humorists and social critics. And now: both dead.
* * *

All kidding aside, George was one of the true greats in comedy; a giant. It is his own un-flinching irreverence that makes me feel that it's okay to make these jokes. I think he'd want it that way. Remembering him this way might ease the pain of his loss. The world will have a little less laughter now. Mr. Carlin, you will be missed.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Racial expression

A South Africa high court ruled that a portion of ethnically Chinese citizens are to be reclassified as “black,” so that they can benefit from policies intended to undo apartheid injustices. Some white people will also be affected, since this ruling screws up many of the most bigoted ethnic jokes.

Since the end of apartheid, the government has taken many steps to insure all South Africans equality. Today’s ruling is a perfect example, since both Black and Chinese people found the reclassification offensive.

Congratulations to Jamie Lynn Spears, who had her baby today. She had a girl, and named her Maddie Briann. The name “Maddie,” of course, is short for “Mad ‘e Got Me Pregnant.”

Little Maddie came into the world at only 6 lbs., 1 oz., which is smaller than the average newborn here in the U.S., but still bigger than Mary-Kate Olsen.

Britney Spears, who flew to Jamie Lynn’s side, was happy for her sister, but even happier to have all the attention on someone else’s vagina for a change.

Based on her own parenting experience, Britney asked Jamie Lynn how long it would be until her brand new daughter would be turned over to Kevin Federline.

No pictures of the baby have yet been released to the press, but the paparazzi are already prepared to make the baby seem as slutty as possible.

Friday, June 13, 2008

Old News

C. Yardley Chittick, a 107-year-old New Hampshire man, has been asked to lead the Phillips Academy alumni parade in Andover, MA. The century-plus former patent lawyer took the job, apparently not realizing that leading a parade means walking in it.

He is the last surviving member of the academy’s Class of 1918. In fact, his 90th class reunion is being held wherever he happens to be standing right now.

The school is thrilled to have Mr. Chittick walking the parade. Apparently, for some reason, they want to be rid of him.

His nomination to lead the parade was submitted anonymously, but then traced to poor relatives awaiting their inheritance.

By leading the parade, Chittick will prove that you’re never too old to exercise… poor judgment.

Actually, walking the entire length of the parade is not Mr. Chittick’s biggest concern. His real worry is remembering the route back.

Nevada Governor Jim Gibbons, age 63, filed for divorce in May, and then, in just 1 month, sent more than 860 text messages to a woman he calls a longtime friend. The state immediately launched an investigation, since that much texting is proof that Gibbons must secretly be a teenager.

Thursday, June 5, 2008

Air Fair?

American Airlines said today that its new fees for checked bags beginning June 15 will not cause longer lines. Evidence already suggests that they are wrong, as passengers are already developing visible frown lines.

Customers will be charged $15 for their first checked bag, $25 for a second checked bag, and for a third, the airline just takes your bag, keeps it, and kicks you in the groin.

Experts say if you stand up to American Airlines just once, they will stop bothering you and will pick on someone else.

Since the California Supreme Court ruled that denying same-sex marriages is discriminatory, a lot of gay couples are rushing to get married. But Rosie O’Donnell, taking the high road on the controversial issue, says she and girlfriend Kelli Carpenter are not jumping on that bandwagon. She says they’ll wait until they can think of way to do it that will really piss off both Donald Trump and Barbara Walters at the same time.

In two separate stunts today, 2 different men scaled the 52-story New York skyscraper that is home to the NY Times. One hung a banner warning of the dangers of global warming. Neither hung a banner warning of the dangers of scaling a 52-story building.

Both daredevils were arrested. The charge wasn’t published. Could have been loitering. If the one climber left his banner on the wall, it could have been littering. If both men met somewhere in the middle without a permit, they could have got them for unlawful assembly.

Neither climber was injured, but the arrests were justified, seeing how they clearly defied the law of gravity.

One climber, Alain Robert, refers to himself as the “French Spiderman,” but in English, it translates closer to “Stupid French Show-off.”

Newspaper employees didn’t even notice the climbers, despite the fact that, from outside the building, it was easy to see that the New York Times was clearly slanting sharply to the left.

Actually, the Times blogged the stunts, but didn’t report them in the actual paper, because idiots trying to climb a building isn’t news.

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Potty Humor

The International Space Station has reported that there is a malfunction with their one working toilet. Houston, we have a problem.

The problems associated with this are obvious. There are no bushes in space.

The crew was using the Soyuz capsule’s toilet, but now Soyuz new policy says you have to be a paying customer to use their bathroom.

The cosmonauts onboard the station will use a jury-rigged system until either the Space Shuttle Discovery blasts off to rendezvous with them, or until the cosmonauts blast off, themselves.

After Discovery launches, it will have to be especially careful not to cross through any orbiting object’s slipstream.

A toxicology report released with the autopsy of the teenager attacked and killed by a tiger at The San Francisco Zoo in December, says that he had marijuana and alcohol in his system at the time. The teenager, not the tiger.

Substance abuse experts have long stated that pot is a gateway drug to tiger mauling deaths.

A teen alcohol abuse program has quickly adopted the new slogan: “Don’t drink, or you’ll be killed by a tiger.”

The New York City club scene is seeing a new form of “drug” use: young men are rubbing Preperation H hemorrhoid ointment onto their torsos to “shink” areas of skin to look slimmer or more fit. Those wearing it on their bodies, however, mostly just looked like assholes.

According to a New York nightclub blogger, this new trend for the over-the-counter and under-the-chassis medication is becoming more popular. The burning question is, “Does it really work?” Regular Preparation H users don’t care about the question; only the burning.

The investigation of this new fad, a far cry from normal use of relieving the pain and itch of hemorrhoids, was first reported by ABC, who have just begun to scratch the surface.