Thursday, May 27, 2010

“White House: Leak”

President Obama announced Thursday that the Gulf oil spill was the responsibility of the government, and said he would do everything he could to shut it down. The oil spill, not the government.

Also, the Gulf oil spill will also be the new official name of the former Gulf of Mexico. Gulf Oil Spill.

“British Intelligence”

Britain has announced that the government will abandon its unpopular national ID program for UK citizens. The plan was initiated by… someone who will no longer be identified.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

“Cruise Control”

Tom Cruise is on the cover of Esquire magazine’s new “How to Be a Man” issue. Because the best way to find out what will impress women is to find out from a gay man.

Esquire is also giving readers a long interview with Cruise, not because he has so much to say; he’s just trying to overcompensate for his height.

“What’s your Frog Leg?”

A swarm of ‘millions’ of hungry frogs said to have ‘carpeted’ the roads in a city in Greece Wednesday, forcing the closure of a major highway. As a result, the Greeks have promised to give in to all of Charlton Heston’s demands.

Analysts say the frogs organized to plead with the government to take steps towards a stable economy.

The frogs were believed to be healthy, but many croaked along the highway.

Though Greek news agencies reported that it was just an ordinary species of frog that suddenly appeared, there were skeptics who thought it was bull.

The frogs may help the troubled Greek economy, as lily pad rentals and fly sales have skyrocketed.

The frogs affected many aspects of daily living. Greek government offices were swamped.

“Flying off to Sleep”

A woman who fell asleep aboard a United Express flight to Philadelphia was left alone on the plane for more than three hours after landing. The woman could have woken up, but wanted to get her money’s worth for her pillow and blanket rental.

The item became newsworthy because the woman who fell asleep mid-flight was a passenger for a change, not a pilot.

The flight crew could have carried the sleeping woman off the plane, but then she would have been considered luggage and subject to an additional fee.

The woman had not made her intention to sleep known, because last time she was in an airport, she had been held for hours by Homeland Security for saying, “I gotta crash.”

“Jews in the Desert?”

School officials in the Palm Springs area broke up a game students were playing called, “Beat the Jew,” where a runner called the “Jew” was chased down by cars. Students apologized and said they meant no harm; they we “Just Followink Orderz.”

“Sandra Bullock 'Speeds' to MTV”

Sandra Bullock will make her first official public appearance since the break-up of her marriage at the “MTV Movie Awards” June 6. The reason Sandra decided to attend is that MTV’s demographic is so young that while she’s there she can adopt another kid.

“Hairless Willie?”

Country music legend Willie Nelson cut his signature pigtails this week after having let his hair grow for decades. In so doing, he loses his endorsement deal as the poster-boy for Wendy’s.

Those who have seen his new look say that now he just looks like a regular old man, instead of a regular old lady.

Nelson was told he either had to cut his hair or pay back taxes on it.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

“Ann Apology”

Today Show co-host Ann Curry apologized Tuesday for mistakenly reading off a list of noted graduates from the wrong college during a commencement address at Wheaten College in Massachusetts Saturday. Once back at her day job, she said she was just relieved to be back on Good Morning America.

“South to the Border”

President Obama will send 1200 troops to the U.S.-Mexican border as a move to improve Homeland Security and immigration issues. As the troops arrive near the border, Arizona police will force them to provide proof of their citizenship and place of birth.

George W. Bush sent thousands of troops to the border of Mexico before he found out it doesn’t border Iraq.

“Fey Interest”

Tina Fey has been selected as the winner of this year’s Mark Twain prize for American Humor, to be given at the Kennedy Center in November. Fey’s picture began to appear in the media as soon as the prize was announced. Now someone just needs to convince Sarah Palin that it’s not her who won.

Fey’s 30 Rock co-star Tracy Morgan will not attend, since wearing a shirt is required.

“Cities and States of Mind”

Finalists in the National Geography Bee gathered to compete this week in our country’s capitol, wherever that is.

Competitors came from all 43 known states.

The final round Wednesday was hosted by Jeopardy! Host Alex Trebek, because it is important for these smart youngsters to learn how to sound smug at a young age.

Monday, May 24, 2010

“Rev-ing up her Audience”

A Nashville, Tennessee pastor is promoting the idea of using comedy as a way for preachers to instill their message. In fact, she’s begun a campaign to get have next week’s prayer service hosted by Betty White.

Parishioners know she’s serious about implementing comedy, because the church now requires a two-drink minimum.

“There’s Low and Then There’s Lohan”

Lindsay Lohan received a court order to wear an alcohol-monitoring bracelet in the continuation of her 2007 DUI conviction. The case could stretch on forever, since Lindsay plans to drag it out until people care about her career again.

Lindsay also has to complete an alcohol education program. Since she is going to be in an education program anyway, the general public hopes she’ll also take acting classes.

Her DUI could have been cause for Lohan to face jail time, but everyone agrees, better to have her there than on a movie screen where she could do real damage.

“Ask, Tell”

The White House is backing stepped-up efforts to repeal the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy for the U.S. military. Instead, “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” will be shifted to a Supreme Court Justice confirmation policy.


Great Britain’s General Medical Council ruled Monday that a doctor who claimed autism was caused by childhood vaccines was banned from practicing medicine in the UK. The doctor then recanted, saying autism is really caused by Great Britain’s General Medical Council.

“Apprentice Ship Has Sailed”

Bret Michaels was the winner of The Celebrity Apprentice in the season finale. He defeated actress Holly Robinson Peete as soon as Donald Trump issued the final challenge, “Have a brain aneurism and then a stroke.”

As he has done on previous reality shows, Michaels will celebrate the outcome by sleeping with Trump for a few weeks and then dumping him.

Bret and the Donald have become close during the show and may even trade wigs.

“Paula: 'Got To' Judge”

Paula Abdul will be one of the judges on CBS new reality competition series Got To Dance. Unlike American Idol, producers were able to reach a contract agreement with Paula when they agreed to pay her in drugs.

Friday, May 21, 2010

“Rock, Stroke, Repeat”

Celebrity Apprentice contestant Bret Michaels is back in the hospital after having what doctors are calling a warning stroke. Michaels experienced numbness on his left side, particularly on his face, but will cover it up with a bandana, confident that no one will notice.

Michaels also lost feeling in his hands, especially the left, but reports that there is no need to worry – he will still be able to apply eyeliner.

Further tests also revealed a hole in his heart that doctors say is treatable. That treatment: Rock of Love 4.

His doctors say the warning stroke happened independently of the brain hemorrhage Bret had last month. Specifically, they said the stroke was no more connected to the aneurism than his hair is connected to his head.

Michaels, who is 47, is now dealing with type I diabetes, a brain aneurism, mild stroke, and hole in his heart. Bret denies that aging is going to affect his lifestyle, but his next reality TV series will be Rocking Chair of Love.

him ‘Bin Laden.’

“White House Mouse”

At the steps of the White House yesterday, an unidentified rodent scurried past President Obama’s podium as he addressed the media. When someone called out “rat,” all the politicians and all the reporters slinked down in their chairs.

The incident was the president’s most important meeting to date, according to PETA.

Secret Service checked out the intruder’s record, but it was squeaky clean.

If the critter was a mouse, he probably came to the White House for his share of the government cheese.

No one was able to make a positive ID of the animal, although Democrats suspect a mole.

Said a member of the Republican National Committee: “We have no idea how that mouse-shaped spy robot – I mean, ‘mouse’… got into the White House.”

The biggest difference between this animal and any other in the news right now: this little guy doesn’t have oil all over him.

No servants, staff, or even the Secret Service have been able to catch the less-than-welcome guest, so they’ve nicknamed him ‘Bin Laden.’

“Bono’s Back”

U2’s website announced Friday that singer Bono had had emergency back surgery, which could affect upcoming concert dates. Even with the corrective surgery, experts say he will still lean very far toward the left.

“Playing Dirty Pool”

A CDC report released Thursday says that based on 2008’s inspections, 1 out of 8 public swimming pools were shut down due to health violations including dirty pool water and fecal matter in kiddie pools. Children who want to go diving into their local pool may really find themselves in deep… water.

"Kid Nation" or "Good Sports"

In a game to raise money for charity, a Spanish soccer team played a match against two hundred children. As a result, 200 kids learned a whole lot of new Spanish swear words.

“All American”

The movie version of Captain America, based on the Marvel comic book about the USA’s most patriotic superhero has moved production out of the country, to England. In that country, the hero is still only known as “Captain 13 Colonies”.

-- and he’s considered a traitor against King George III.

Shooting was moved due to money-saving tax credits offered by England, contrasted by top-dollar costs of shooting in Los Angeles. What could be more American than that?

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

“Go Fish”;_ylt=AqBz3M2USytL0dH7ZFoXPxNH_rl_;_ylu=X3oDMTM1cjUxZ3RtBGFzc2V0A2FmcC8yMDEwMDUxOC9zcGVjaWVzZmlzaHVudXMEY2NvZGUDbW9zdHBvcHVsYXIEY3BvcwM1BHBvcwM1BHNlYwN5bl90b3Bfc3RvcmllcwRzbGsDb2NlYW5zZmlzaGNv

The UN Environment Program warns that the world’s oceans could see fish disappear by the year 2050. Without opposable thumbs, it will take them that long to learn to do magic.

The threat of having no fish has already begun to cause a huge uproar in the chips industry.

The world has faced this kind of crisis once before, but no one listened to the Unicorn Habitat Preservation Society.

“Using Gun Laws as a Weapon”

The governor of Tennessee has vetoed a bill that would allow guns in bars and restaurants. The governor isn’t against the 2nd Amendment; he just likes to keep shoot-outs strictly in saloons or on dusty streets, where they belong.

Supporters of the bill say that allowing guns inside would actually help bars and restaurants, because nothing ensures prompt service like a loaded firearm.

Statistically, guns in bars can be shown to prevent knife fights.

“Kirk’s New Enterprise”

William Shatner will star in a comedy TV series next fall on CBS, playing a father. To keep it realistic, his character’s son will be 80.

In the show, Shatner will explore a strange, new world: deliberate comedy.

Shatner’s salary was not made public, but he surely acted as his own price-line negotiator.

Little is known about the series so far, other than the fact that Shatner will be acting, which itself, is surely an understatement.

Though this will be an original series, Trekkies are already on message boards saying it’s inferior to anything that came before it.

Monday, May 17, 2010

“ADD by DDT?”

A new study has linked ADHD with children’s consumption of residues from common pesticides. Further research on the pesticides will be started and then abandoned when the researchers see something shiny.

The study found detectible levels of pesticide compounds in 94% of the children tested. On the plus side, none of those children had any bugs on them.

When asked about their concerns over pesticides, children who eat a lot of commercially farmed produce said, “Hey! Look over there.”

“It’s a Warm, Warm, Warm, Warm World”

The National Climatic Center reports that so far, 2010 is the warmest year on record, globally. Meteorologists say the heat is caused by global warning and El Nino. People Magazine says its Johnny Depp and Megan Fox.

Though the average across the planet has been warmer, some areas have defied the trend by actually cooling down beyond expectations, like the cast of Jersey Shore.

“Mixed Signals” or “In Space, No One Can Hear the TV”

Astronauts on the International Space Station undertook a mission to attach a new antenna on a spacewalk Monday. The antenna is needed because, due to budget cuts, NASA now refuses to pay for cable.

“Don’t Worry, Be Fifty”

A science journal survey shows that people over the age of 50 experience far less stress and worry than their more youthful counterparts. The younger people’s number one source of stress and worry: turning 50.

In fact, many people who are well past 50 can’t even remember what they had been so worried about.

“Cremation Nation” or “Cremations are Burning Up”

The Cremation Association of North America reports a steady increase in the number of cremations, up to more than 50,000 last year. One demographic that is not succumbing to the popularity of the trend: the living.

The rise in its popularity is being attributed to environmental considerations, a cheaper cost than a burial, and the recent innovation of the non-dairy cremation for the lactose intolerant.

Though some people are not impressed with the results of being cremated, others have truly been blown away.

Friday, May 14, 2010

“Rock of Love”

Bret Michaels announced Friday that he will return to the stage May 28, performing at Biloxi, Mississippi Hard Rock. This was thrilling news to the year 1986.

And if you are going to buy tickets, remember to ask for your skank discount.

“Beyon-ce What?”

A video of 8 and 9-year-old girls in a World of Dance performance of Beyonce’s “Single Ladies” is being criticized for the girls’ skimpy costumes and overtly sexual moves. You know it’s too risqué when child predators call the video “better than the original.”

Experts say that suggestive dancing at a young age conditions girls to behave in ways that are prematurely sexual. The girls’ college age boyfriends disagree.

“Balloon Landing”

Upon a request to the county sherriff’s office, Richard Heene, the father in the ‘Balloon Boy’ hoax last fall, will be having his giant balloon returned to him. Out of habit, Heene’s 6-year-old son ran to hide in the attic.

If the balloon does anything else illegal, it will be held without bail, since there is a serious flight risk.

“White Wedding”

On Thursday, Pope Benedict XVI called same-sex marriage one of the most “dangerous” threats in the world today. Not wanting to waste the opportunity to cause terror, members of al-Qaida have begun planning a string of gay weddings.

Many Catholics support the pontiff’s view. After all, who knows more about marriage than a guy who isn’t allowed to get married?

While the pope may never know what it’s like to have his own wedding, he does get to wear a white gown every day.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

“Getting their Butts in Gear”

In China, scientists say they can use chemicals extracted from cigarette butts to protect steel pipes from rusting. The oil industry will be able to protect pipes from needing costly repairs, and they will begin a huge campaign to encourage smoking.

Cigarette smoking is rampant in China, where 60% of the men smoke, proving that cigarettes stunt your growth.

Because it is China, both the cigarettes and the information have been filtered.

To the question of whether or not it could be dangerous to cover oil pipes with cigarette butts, the Chinese government says, “Only if the cigarettes are lit.”

Such measures are not being considered in America, because the pipes would then require health warning labels.

To protect anyone from the effects of second or third-hand smoke, China will coat the butts with lead paint.

“Making Up with Rosie”

The today Show’s co-hosts Kathie Lee Gifford and Hoda Kotb appeared on the show without any make-up Thursday, after Rosie O’Donnell had accused Kathie Lee of having had plastic surgery. Preschoolers watching TV at home can now never be convinced that there’s no such thing as monsters.

The two women’s appearance without make-up frightened Rosie away temporarily, but soon she’ll be back again, looking for food.

NBC’s ratings were unaffected, but the Food network took a hard hit, since everyone lost their appetite.

Fortunately, ambulances came quickly for people unfortunate enough to have watched in High-Def.

“Too Hot for the Cold-Blooded”

Scientists say that rising temperatures may cause the extinction of up to 20% of all lizards by 2080. Many species are failing to reproduce in places where the climate has gotten hotter. To scare conservatives into environmentalism, the scientists will say that global warming turns you gay.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

“Sunshine State”

The Republican National Committee has chosen Tampa Florida as the location for their 2012 presidential convention. Tampa is an obvious choice for conservative Congress members, as it is said to be a great place to stage a gay sex scandal.

It wasn’t hard to convince members of the GOP to migrate to Florida, since the average age of a Republican senator is now 107.

Though Tampa is famous for its great sun and great tanning, the Republican convention will temporarily make the city a whole lot whiter.

“Penn Mightier than the Sword”

Sean Penn pleaded no contest to vandalism charges in Los Angeles Wednesday, stemming from his kicking of a paparazzi photographer in February. Usually kicking a person would bring an assault or battery charge, but we assume that the judge was just afraid to make Penn mad.

Kicking a person is not normally considered vandalism, but in Los Angeles, paparazzi are considered public property like a lamp post.

Penn will have to perform 300 hours of community service, but to him, it’s worth it. After all, had he allowed the photographer to take a picture, it would have lasted longer.

“Apple Sauce”

Another new iPhone prototype has been possibly leaked, prior to its official release. Apple’s response will be to preemptively debut a new weekly multi-app phone product called the iLeak.

"Model Citizen" or “Gauze and Effects”

Special effects pioneer Ray Harryhousen, of Jason & the Argonauts and the original Clash of the Titans, is being honored with a model and monster exhibit at the Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences. Fans are rushing there at a rate of 24 tiny movements per second.

Harryhousen is 89 years old, but has no plans to stop motion.

“Writing for the Right”

Sarah Palin will be releasing another book in November, to be titled America by Heart. Palin wants readers to know she know this country by heart, so she won’t have to write it on her hand.

For the new book, Palin will be working with a collaborator, or as they call them in the publishing world, the “author.”

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

“Release the Kagan”

President Obama has nominated U.S Solicitor General Elena Kagan for the U.S. Supreme Court. Associate Justice Sonia Sotomayor immediately noted that Kagan is not a smart Latina.

If Kagan, who is Jewish, is confirmed, it will mean that for the first time, the Supreme Court will have no Protestant justices. She would join two Jews and six Catholics currently serving. This will necessitate the court being renamed as “The Supreme Guilt.”

“In Tribute…”

Legendary singer Lena Horne passed away Sunday night in New York, at the age of 92. In a related story, the forecast for the rest of the week calls for Stormy Weather.

“Rhino Soar”

A white rhinoceros escaped his enclosure at the Jacksonville zoo overnight Friday, and after the 5 hours 20 workers spent trying to get him back where he belonged, they were finally able to transport him, sedated. Florida authorities regard this as a textbook college Spring Break detention.

“Biden his Time”

Vice President Joe Biden’s oldest son, Beau Biden, suffered a minor stroke Tuesday. The younger Biden is expected to recover, and his father plans to remain at his son’s side, embarrassing him back to health.

Pope Benedict XVI said today that he sees the clerical abuse scandal as the greatest threat to the Catholic church. Many abuse victims, however, disagree; they think the greatest threat is the priests.

"Swing Shift"

Hank Haney, Tiger Woods’ swing coach since 2003, announced that he has quit. He was always pleased with Tiger’s clean first swings, but has grown tired of his sloppy seconds.

“Mommy Issues”

Scientists measuring biochemical reactions have measured the effect of a mother’s voice on children. They found that a mother’s soothing produces higher hormone levels pertaining to trust and love, while stress reaction hormones dip. As a result, the government will start making all stockbrokers and bankers call their mom every day.

Some scientists were skeptical of the results, until their mothers told them it was okay.

Friday, May 7, 2010

“Caveman Bones, Breeds"

New fossil evidence released Thursday suggests interbreeding between Neanderthals and humans 50 to 80,000 years ago. Despite the passage of time, their parents still won’t accept them.

As proof, scientists point to Kirstie Alley.

Their breeding likely came about with the invention of the nightclub. That is, a club you hit someone with at night.

The coupling of the two species suggests that one morning, tens of thousands of years ago, a human invented the walk of shame.

The interbreeding most likely stopped once humans discovered fire and could see what the Neanderthals looked like.

According to a cave painting translation, a popular pick-up line of the time was “Is that a protruding brow under that unwashed hair, or are you just happy to see me?”

“Name Game”

The Social Security Administration says that "Isabella" became the most popular baby name for girls this year, beating out last year’s top name, "Emma." For the 3rd year in a row, the least popular name for a baby girl: "Adolph."

Thursday, May 6, 2010

TV Debut-sey”

Gary Busey and his girlfriend Steffanie revealed to Entertainment Tonight that they are developing a new TV show about their life as a family with their new baby boy, 3-month-old Luke. The show will highlight the contrasts between Steffanie, who is only 35, and Gary, who is crazy.

“Man, Oh Man”

A judge allowed Sonny and Cher’s offspring Chaz Bono to change his name from Chastity, and legally change his gender to male, following sex-change surgery last year. This disappointed all the straight men who had been attracted to Chaz as a woman. In other words, nobody was disappointed.

Chaz, formerly known as Chastity, underwent sex-change surgery last year to become a man. It was at that time that she dropped the “tity.”

The court found this to be a troubling case because the judge, like most people, always thought Chastity Bono was already a man.

The gay and trans-gendered community have been very supportive of Chaz, because, you have to admit, what Chaz has done really takes balls.

Lesbians have mixed feelings about the whole thing, because technically, Chaz is now just another straight guy.

Chaz had no comment as he left the courtroom. He just popped a beer, scratched his crotch, and then farted.

“Cat People”

In Germany, a man paid an actress to officiate an unofficial wedding for him and his dying cat, Cecilia. While some disapprove of the union, the cats parents think it’s better than the two of them living in sin.

The man denies selfish motives; he claims he just did it for the pussy.

The man claims he wanted to make the cat happy in her final days, but some suspect the man of just being a kibble-digger.

The cat has no memory of the wedding. She took a few hits of cat-nip and woke up married.

“Stripped of Benefits”

In Pennsylvania, a 43-year-old woman collecting workman’s compensation for a back injury is facing fraud charges when it was discovered that she has been working, as a stripper. The real victims of this crime: club patrons who had to watch a 43-year-old strip.

The woman claimed to have trouble standing up straight, explaining all her time on all fours.

The woman had received over $22,000 in disability payments. Unfortunately, if she has to pay it back, it’s all going to be in sweaty singles.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

“Poison Control”

Bret Michaels was released from the hospital Tuesday, following his treatment for a brain hemorrhage on April 22. Michaels will have to return to the hospital regularly, but mainly for his usual treatment of new cases of gonorrhea.

To protect his brain, Michaels will wear a bandana over his hairline at all times.

Doctors knew Bret was ready to be released from the hospital when he started to try to get mouth to mouth from every nurse in the hospital.

Bret may receive follow-up care at home, but it's most likely to be skanky MILF-type care.

“David Boreanaz: No ‘Angel’”

Facing a threat of blackmail from a former mistress, actor David Boreanaz admitted publicly that he has cheated on his wife of 9 years. Apparently, he though the title of his TV show, Bones, was an action verb.

Boreanaz actions prove the difference between actors and the characters they play on TV. Because Buffy the Vampire Slayer would have kicked his ass.

“Driven To Drive”

Some members of Congress are seeking national standard for teen driving, to insure safer standards and reduce fatalities. Teens who were driving at that very moment immediately began texting each other about the idea.

Seeking the most effective techniques to instill specific behaviors in teens, driving instruction will now be given only in the form of peer taunting. “You call that a three point turn?” “You don’t want to use a turn signal? What are you, chicken?”

This hearkens back to a simpler time, when teens being safe in the car just meant using a condom.

Monday, May 3, 2010

“Gay Ol’ Opry?”

Recording artist Chely Wright came out publicly that she is gay on Monday, the first country music star to do so. Although, suede fringe jackets, denim cut-offs, leather vests, and chaps are all pretty gay.

Some have identified K.D. Lang as the first country artist to come out, but that still makes Chely the first woman to do so.

Chely hopes that she will still be accepted in the country music industry, and after this, she also hopes that people will have heard of her.

“Con Campaign” or “Ex-Con-gressman”

Former Congressman James Traficant, who recently completed a 7-year prison sentence for bribery and racketeering, announced that he plans to run for Congress again in November. Traficant says he has the experience to be effective in Washington. Of course, he’s referring to his experience as a criminal.

Trying to finance his campaign, Traficant is now trying to raise over 1 million cigarettes.

Traficant is considered a long-shot, but he still has the support of his wife. Specifically, his prison wife, Bubba.

Traficant’s campaign slogan is “The buck stops here… in my pocket.”

“Pets Smart”

An Associated Press poll found that 1 out of 3 married women say that their pets are better listeners than their husbands. The women explained by blathering on and on about who knows what.

This poll may also explain why many dogs faces droop and look sad.

Husbands interviewed for the poll agreed that their wives really felt blah-blah-bla blah blah about something or other.

Perhaps coincidentally, husbands who did prove to be better listeners were also trained to sit, fetch, and roll over.

“Leader of the Band”

U2 singer Bono met President Obama in the Oval office to discuss U.S. Foreign aid to help economic growth in Africa and other areas. Other individuals that Obama may make time to listen to here in the United States: citizens.

Bono had a slight delay getting into the White House when he couldn’t remember his real name. (It’s Paul David Hewson.)

After the meeting, it was back to political issues and leadership. Also, Obama went back to whatever he was doing.

In a related story, Joe Biden assumes that today’s meeting means he will soon have a sit-down with The Edge.

George Bush also once met Bono, and said, “I liked you better when you were still singing with your wife, Cher.

“Big Bullied”

New research says that children who are overweight or obese are the most likely to be targeted for bullying. It doesn’t help that they are too out of breath to run away.

Fortunately, according to Hollywood, all victims of being bullied will get their revenge when befriended by a magical being, or as soon as they develop super-powers.

The research was conducted by slim, cool scientists who took lunch money from and beat up fat, nerdy scientists.