“APRIL NEWS”

In a landmark vote, the House of Representatives approved the legalization of marijuana and hemp in the United States. Provisions for licensing and taxing, as well as labeling for age restrictions, will be handled by the U.S. Tobacco lobby to make up for their lost profits in recent years. Cigarette companiy CEO’s have already begun preparing for the transition by removing all of their office furniture in favor of a second-hand futon, a table lamp that has to sit on the floor, and a cardboard box sturdy enough to be used as a makeshift table.

President Obama made a brief statement today, where he resigned from office so quickly and subtly that nobody even noticed except Vice President Joe Biden, who audibly said, “Oh, hell yeah,” before Obama abruptly left the podium in tears. First Lady Michelle Obama did not speak, but stood by her husband’s side, nodding her head with her arms folded as he spoke.

Charlie Sheen apologized to Chuck Lorre today, and as a preliminary step towards negotiating Sheen’s return to Two and a Half Men, CBS arranged that the two meet over drinks, cocaine, mechanical bull-riding and pole-dancing tryouts, all to be done simultaneously while juggling lit torches. If they can’t come to an agreement, they must duel with chainsaws until one of them is dead. CBS expressed no preference in the matter, but is already meeting with Jon Cryer’s people to discuss future options.

Tom Cruise admitted that he is gay through his publicist and lover, hoping that the confession will lure movie-goers to his new summer blockbuster, Missionary Impossible: Closet Ops Unit. His wife Katie Holmes will co-produce, but not re-produce. Suri will be adopted by Will and Jada Pinckett Smith, who will help her deal with the family changes by assuring her stardom in movies and music videos.

YouTube sensation Rebecca Black has been offered an exclusive multi-million-dollar recording contract, the terms of which specify that she is never allowed to record her image or voice ever again. Black described herself as “so, so, so excited,” and says she will sign the contract after the weekend, which, apparently, she has been really looking forward to.

Betty White is joining the cast of a hit movie franchise for its next sequel. Betty will play herself in the next Jackass! movie, where she will staple her own neck skin to the back of her head in a stunt called “face-lift” and she will pee in her own pants in a prank called, “being old.” Johnny Knoxville is already committed to getting drunk and making out with Betty as part of her compensation, and Steve-O says he can hardly wait to imitate every stunt she tries, even though he isn’t being paid to.