“Marriage: A Risky Business” or Marriage Impossible: Gay Protocol”

http://www.tmz.com/2012/06/29/tom-cruise-katie-holmes-divorce/

According to TMZ, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are going to divorce after 5 years of marriage.  Or at least, 5 years of pretend marriage.

Tom and Katie supposedly have a prenup, so he will likely keep most of his assets after the divorce is final, and Katie will get to go have sex with a man.

The divorce finally came because after five years, you can’t help but get tired of a partner who just isn’t as much of a man as you want.  And Katie probably has her reasons, too.

As husbands go, Tom came up a bit short.

The marriage has shown signs of strain ever since America saw all the sexual tension in Tom’s interview with Matt Lauer.

Rumor has it that Tom slept with as many women on the set of Rock of Ages as he has on every other movie he’s done: none.

Tom will continue with his movie career, and Katie will go back to Dawson’s Creek.  Not the show; that was cancelled years ago.  She’s actually going to a tiny town called Dawson’s Creek.

Their daughter Suri Cruise is confused by the whole thing, but she does understand even though her 2 mommies love her very much, they won’t be living together in separate bedrooms anymore.

Tom insists that his marriage to Katie and their family life was real.  He says, “If I was going to fabricate the basic structural elements for a group of people to build their lives around, pretending it had depth or meaning, getting them to grow within that structure, the whole time knowing it’s a complete farce, I would have invented Scientology.

“APRIL NEWS”

In a landmark vote, the House of Representatives approved the legalization of marijuana and hemp in the United States. Provisions for licensing and taxing, as well as labeling for age restrictions, will be handled by the U.S. Tobacco lobby to make up for their lost profits in recent years. Cigarette companiy CEO’s have already begun preparing for the transition by removing all of their office furniture in favor of a second-hand futon, a table lamp that has to sit on the floor, and a cardboard box sturdy enough to be used as a makeshift table.

President Obama made a brief statement today, where he resigned from office so quickly and subtly that nobody even noticed except Vice President Joe Biden, who audibly said, “Oh, hell yeah,” before Obama abruptly left the podium in tears. First Lady Michelle Obama did not speak, but stood by her husband’s side, nodding her head with her arms folded as he spoke.

Charlie Sheen apologized to Chuck Lorre today, and as a preliminary step towards negotiating Sheen’s return to Two and a Half Men, CBS arranged that the two meet over drinks, cocaine, mechanical bull-riding and pole-dancing tryouts, all to be done simultaneously while juggling lit torches. If they can’t come to an agreement, they must duel with chainsaws until one of them is dead. CBS expressed no preference in the matter, but is already meeting with Jon Cryer’s people to discuss future options.

Tom Cruise admitted that he is gay through his publicist and lover, hoping that the confession will lure movie-goers to his new summer blockbuster, Missionary Impossible: Closet Ops Unit. His wife Katie Holmes will co-produce, but not re-produce. Suri will be adopted by Will and Jada Pinckett Smith, who will help her deal with the family changes by assuring her stardom in movies and music videos.

YouTube sensation Rebecca Black has been offered an exclusive multi-million-dollar recording contract, the terms of which specify that she is never allowed to record her image or voice ever again. Black described herself as “so, so, so excited,” and says she will sign the contract after the weekend, which, apparently, she has been really looking forward to.

Betty White is joining the cast of a hit movie franchise for its next sequel. Betty will play herself in the next Jackass! movie, where she will staple her own neck skin to the back of her head in a stunt called “face-lift” and she will pee in her own pants in a prank called, “being old.” Johnny Knoxville is already committed to getting drunk and making out with Betty as part of her compensation, and Steve-O says he can hardly wait to imitate every stunt she tries, even though he isn’t being paid to.

“Pacify the Masses”

http://abcnews.go.com/Entertainment/suri-cruise-pacifier/story?id=13094283

Tom Cruise ansd Katie Holmes’ almost-5-year-old daughter, Suri, was recently photographed sucking a pacifier. While just a few months ago, her father Tom was photographed sucking in the movie Knight and Day.

Suri is almost 5, so the obvious question s, at her age, isn’t she old enough to… realize her parents are crazy?

To the question of whether Suri is too old to suck on a pacifier, a psychologist said, “It is normal and healthy for people to calm and soothe themselves in a variety of ways. Tom, a grown man, also sucks on a pacifier to relieve his stress. Of course, he pretends it’s a penis.”

"Chinese Secret" or

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/ondeadline/post/2011/01/did-chinese-tv-slip-a-top-gun-clip-into-its-air-force-report/1

The Wall Street Journal reported that a video of a Chinese air force training exercise actually included carefully edited movie footage from an action sequence in the film Top Gun. When you look closely at the Chinese video, you can tell they aren’t Chinese pilots, because the Top Gun footage is from the beach volleyball scene.

As a result of the training video, Chinese pilots aerial maneuvers have improved and their ground maneuvers have become much more homoerotic.

China hopes that their displays of skill and air power will enable them to hook up with Kelly McGillis.

The Chinese government only did it because the pilots in their training program had lost that lovin' feeling.

From Today's News: Monday, Aug. 20, 2007

A China Airways jumbo jet burst into flames after landing and coming to a stop at the airport in Okinawa, Japan--luckily, everyone aboard evacuated and are fine. The fire’s cause is unknown, but the first suspicion was that before landing, somebody didn’t put his or her chair back in the full, upright position.

Even thoough all 165 people aboard got out safely, one flight attendant was left to wonder if she left the coffee pot on.

Most of the passengers slid down emergency chutes and ran away from the plane. But first class passengers took specially made escalators to their waiting limousines.

Many passengers feared that their luggage was destroyed, but it wasn’t. Not surprisingly, their bags were on a plane to Newark.



A salt-cured ham from Spain costing about $2100 per leg is being called the world’s most expensive pork. Apparently, nobody bothered to check Heidi Fleiss’s old ledgers.



Luciano Pavoratti, who was hospitalized earlier this month with a high fever, will remain in hospital care for several more days, for more tests. As for the bank note secured to pay for his medical bills, the facility assured Pavoratti that he could hold the note.



About 11 extras fell off of a slow-moving truck on the set of Tom Cruise’s next movie, a World War II thriller filming in Germany. All the other extras were fine, because they agreed to go to the Scientology meeting, like Tom asked them to.