"Police Raid" or “Narcotics Division”

http://now.msn.com/now/0506-weed-police-academy.aspx

A police dispatcher  in Vermont showed up for training at the Police Academy with marijuana.  Of all the ranking officers there, she was the highest.

Her excuse was that she didn’t want to leave her pot in the car, where someone could steal it, making even more work for police.

She explained her mistake, saying “When I’m stoned, I mix up the words dispatch with dispensary.”

She had just gotten the marijuana from her local dispensary.  Which is her nickname for the evidence locker.

“What type of pot is this?  It’s labeled ‘Exhibit ‘A’.”

“Fake Drug Facts”

http://www.usatoday.com/news/nation/story/2011-12-14/more-teens-using-synthetic-drugs/51900736/1

A national survey found a startling increase in the number of teens who have used synthetic drugs, which mimic the effects of marijuana but commonly have dangerous side effects.  On the bright side, the making of synthetics has given a strong boost to U.S. manufacturing. 

“High Culture” or "Digging Shakespeare"

A group of paleontologists hope to dig up William Shakespeare's body, in part to prove whether or not the playwright smoked marijuana.  There's no proof that Shakespeare ever bought or grew marijuana, but there's evidence that he stole some from Francis Bacon.

The fact that Paleontologists want to do this suggests that they’ve run out of dinosaurs to discover.

“Full Nelson”

Willie Nelson pleaded ‘No contest’ to a possession of drug paraphernalia charge and was fined $500.  The paraphernalia: his wardrobe.

Willie plans to write off the $500 fine on his taxes as a business expense.

“High Hopes”

Natalie Portman said that she does not smoke marijuana anymore, despite starring in "Your Highness".  If you want to know why she stopped, just watch The Phantom Menace.

“APRIL NEWS”

In a landmark vote, the House of Representatives approved the legalization of marijuana and hemp in the United States. Provisions for licensing and taxing, as well as labeling for age restrictions, will be handled by the U.S. Tobacco lobby to make up for their lost profits in recent years. Cigarette companiy CEO’s have already begun preparing for the transition by removing all of their office furniture in favor of a second-hand futon, a table lamp that has to sit on the floor, and a cardboard box sturdy enough to be used as a makeshift table.

President Obama made a brief statement today, where he resigned from office so quickly and subtly that nobody even noticed except Vice President Joe Biden, who audibly said, “Oh, hell yeah,” before Obama abruptly left the podium in tears. First Lady Michelle Obama did not speak, but stood by her husband’s side, nodding her head with her arms folded as he spoke.

Charlie Sheen apologized to Chuck Lorre today, and as a preliminary step towards negotiating Sheen’s return to Two and a Half Men, CBS arranged that the two meet over drinks, cocaine, mechanical bull-riding and pole-dancing tryouts, all to be done simultaneously while juggling lit torches. If they can’t come to an agreement, they must duel with chainsaws until one of them is dead. CBS expressed no preference in the matter, but is already meeting with Jon Cryer’s people to discuss future options.

Tom Cruise admitted that he is gay through his publicist and lover, hoping that the confession will lure movie-goers to his new summer blockbuster, Missionary Impossible: Closet Ops Unit. His wife Katie Holmes will co-produce, but not re-produce. Suri will be adopted by Will and Jada Pinckett Smith, who will help her deal with the family changes by assuring her stardom in movies and music videos.

YouTube sensation Rebecca Black has been offered an exclusive multi-million-dollar recording contract, the terms of which specify that she is never allowed to record her image or voice ever again. Black described herself as “so, so, so excited,” and says she will sign the contract after the weekend, which, apparently, she has been really looking forward to.

Betty White is joining the cast of a hit movie franchise for its next sequel. Betty will play herself in the next Jackass! movie, where she will staple her own neck skin to the back of her head in a stunt called “face-lift” and she will pee in her own pants in a prank called, “being old.” Johnny Knoxville is already committed to getting drunk and making out with Betty as part of her compensation, and Steve-O says he can hardly wait to imitate every stunt she tries, even though he isn’t being paid to.

"Pot Shot"

A new study shows that marijuana use may speed the development of psychosis. Or so says a campaign to revive screenings of Reefer Madness.

"High Prices Falling"

http://www.usatoday.com/yourlife/health/medical/alternative/2010-12-08-marijuana-prices_N.htm

High Times magazine says that marijuana prices have dropped noticeably since medical marijuana has been legalized in several states. Finally, Snoop Dogg catches a break.

Sellers of recreational marijuana are not the only ones taking a hit.

“Full Nelson”

http://www.usatoday.com/life/people/2010-11-26-willie-nelson-charges_N.htm

Country music legend Willie Nelson was arrested Friday for drug possession when 6 oz. of marijuana was found on his tour bus at a border patrol checkpoint in Texas. An officer became suspicious when he saw that #1 - it was a tour bus, and #2 - it was Willie Nelson.

The officer smelled marijuana as soon as the bus door was opened. Willie explained that they did that on purpose to cover the smell of his unwashed hair.

The incident proves that when people smoke pot, they are much more likely to “make a run for the border.”

“Dope Donation”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/ondeadline/post/2010/10/investor-soros-to-donate-1m-to-pass-calif-marijuana-bill/1

Billionaire investor George Soros is donating $1 million towards support for California’s Proposition 19, which would legalize growing and possession of marijuana. Soros doesn’t mind donating the money, which he says he only would have blown on pizza, Doritos and Big Gulps, anyway.

Soros’ donation is going to be used to generate high awareness.

Asked about what the vote means in terms of economics, raising tax money, and better use of law enforcement resources, Soros said nothing but kept giggling uncontrollably.