In a landmark vote, the House of Representatives approved the legalization of marijuana and hemp in the United States. Provisions for licensing and taxing, as well as labeling for age restrictions, will be handled by the U.S. Tobacco lobby to make up for their lost profits in recent years. Cigarette companiy CEO’s have already begun preparing for the transition by removing all of their office furniture in favor of a second-hand futon, a table lamp that has to sit on the floor, and a cardboard box sturdy enough to be used as a makeshift table.
President Obama made a brief statement today, where he resigned from office so quickly and subtly that nobody even noticed except Vice President Joe Biden, who audibly said, “Oh, hell yeah,” before Obama abruptly left the podium in tears. First Lady Michelle Obama did not speak, but stood by her husband’s side, nodding her head with her arms folded as he spoke.
Charlie Sheen apologized to Chuck Lorre today, and as a preliminary step towards negotiating Sheen’s return to Two and a Half Men, CBS arranged that the two meet over drinks, cocaine, mechanical bull-riding and pole-dancing tryouts, all to be done simultaneously while juggling lit torches. If they can’t come to an agreement, they must duel with chainsaws until one of them is dead. CBS expressed no preference in the matter, but is already meeting with Jon Cryer’s people to discuss future options.
Tom Cruise admitted that he is gay through his publicist and lover, hoping that the confession will lure movie-goers to his new summer blockbuster, Missionary Impossible: Closet Ops Unit. His wife Katie Holmes will co-produce, but not re-produce. Suri will be adopted by Will and Jada Pinckett Smith, who will help her deal with the family changes by assuring her stardom in movies and music videos.
YouTube sensation Rebecca Black has been offered an exclusive multi-million-dollar recording contract, the terms of which specify that she is never allowed to record her image or voice ever again. Black described herself as “so, so, so excited,” and says she will sign the contract after the weekend, which, apparently, she has been really looking forward to.
Betty White is joining the cast of a hit movie franchise for its next sequel. Betty will play herself in the next Jackass! movie, where she will staple her own neck skin to the back of her head in a stunt called “face-lift” and she will pee in her own pants in a prank called, “being old.” Johnny Knoxville is already committed to getting drunk and making out with Betty as part of her compensation, and Steve-O says he can hardly wait to imitate every stunt she tries, even though he isn’t being paid to.
http://www.usatoday.com/life/television/reviews/2011-03-10-men10_ST_N.htm?csp=hf
CBS may decide to keep Two and a Half Men on the air, without Charlie Sheen’s character, Charlie Harper. Despite rumors, no new actors have been cast. However, among the changes, the new, revamped version will be funny.
Though rumors have flown about casting to replace Charlie Sheen, when you get right down to it, the only obvious choice is Gary Busey.
Sheen will counter with his own new show, Two and a Half Warlocks.
http://www.usatoday.com/life/people/2011-03-01-sheen01_CV_N.htm?csp=hf
This blog has had no new entries since February 18, a week and a half ago. Not wanting to waste an opportunity, nor disappoint all our show-business-obsessed fans, we took a purposeful hiatus to prepare for
The “red carpets?” I was referring to the inside of Charlie’s eyelids.
Forget about the Oscars. If you want to hear all about winners and losers, you want to hear about Charlie Sheen – winner – and the people who have to clean up his hotel rooms – losers.
Now the latest is that Charlie is at war with CBS. Although, the network is trying lure him back by changing the title of his show to Two and a Half Kilos.
He’s television’s highest paid actor. He’s also television’s highest actor.
Charlie refers to his two live-in blonde girlfriends, the former nanny and the porn star as “the goddesses,” and even compared himself to a god. Clearly he’s just confusing the word “immortal” with “immoral.”
Meanwhile, the goddesses say they don’t mind sharing him, and more importantly, his money.
Maybe Charlie is suffering from delusions of grandeur. He referred to himself as a god. This could just be an extension of wanting a higher position than his father, who used to be the president.
As the most obvious proof that Charlie has lost touch with reality, he described Two and a Half Men as “good television.”
He is demanding an apology and a raise from CBS. Furthermore, he wants to be paid in crack.
Some people are saying it was an anti-Semitic reference when he called Two and a Half Men creator/producer Chuck Lorre by the Hebrew name Chaim Levine. This just goes to prove, what’s the point of going to AA, if your sponsor is going to be Mel Gibson?
Charlie’s publicist quit on Monday, releasing a public statement that Charlie’s behavior caused him to have an allergic reaction.
Charlie says it’s lonely at the top, but he like the view. At least, that’s what he says when he’s having sex with the goddesses.
In a related story, not that anyone cares, Jon Cryer seems to be perfectly healthy.
http://mediagallery.usatoday.com/Victoria's-Secret-2010-Fashion-Show-/G1842
Tuesday night was the annual
