“Oprah Takes Care of her OWN”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/entertainment/post/2011/07/oprah-promotes-herself-to-ceo-of-own/1

Oprah Winfrey has named herself the CEO of her new cable channel OWN.  This makes Oprah the literal master of self-promotion.

Oprah may have wanted to make sure she was the top executive since the brand bears her name, or she may have just wanted a fat raise. 

“Oprah Wants to Have O.J. for Breakfast”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/gameon/post/2011/06/oprah-winfrey-wants-to-interview-oj-simpson----as-long-as-he-confesses-to-murder-own-ncta/1

Oprah Winfrey said that she wants to interview O.J. Simpson but only if he is willing to confess to killing Nicole Brown-Simpson and Ron Goldman.    Her assurance of O.J. guilt proves that mind-reading is among her super-powers.

“Chicago’s OWN”

 Chicago’s Mayor Daley has renamed a local street "Oprah Winfrey Way."  The street was designed to handle especially heavy loads.

The street will soon take over all of the other streets in the entire city.

Despite the street’s obvious swerves and turns, Oprah insists that it is completely straight.

At Oprah’s insistence, the first person to go down on it was Gayle King.

“Vick’s Vaporizing”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/gameon/post/2011/02/michael-vick-cancels-oprah-interview/1

Harpo Productions announced that Michael Vick has cancelled what should have been a reputation-repairing interview with Oprah Winfrey. I guess you really can’t teach an old dog new tricks.

"Little Sister"

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/entertainment/post/2011/01/oprahs-secret-is-out/1

Oprah Winfrey announced on her show Monday that she has a half-sister that she only learned about recently. She’s actually Oprah-s full-blooded sister, but Oprah calls her a half-sister because she only weighs 200 lbs.

Oprah welled up with tears when she brought her sister, Patricia, on stage. In fact, she was so overcome with emotion, the only words she could get out were, “I’m not a lesbian.”

It is unknown whether or not Oprah intends to help Patricia financially, but one thing is clear: Patricia had better not try to touch Oprah’s food.

Celebrities, male enhancement, sex offenders and more...

A Virginia Judge has ruled that the part of the new health care plan that makes health insurance mandatory is unconstitutional. As a result, the federal government is trying to get the FDA to rule that the Constitution in a health hazard.

The FDA is warning men to stop taking the “Man Up Now” male enhancement pill, because it could cause blood pressure to become dangerously low. Enhanced, but low.

Man Up Now was willing to add words to their product’s name to warn customers about the potential danger. They were going to call it “Man (Pushing) Up (Daisies) Now.”

The makers of Man Up Now say that if you die and remain a stiff for more than 4 hours, call your doctor.

Hugh Jackman injured himself during a stunt while taping an episode of "The Oprah Winfrey Show" in Australia. His injury wasn’t serious, but oprah fans were devastated to learn that she couldn’t magically heal him.

Sandra Bullock has been named “Woman of the Year” by People magazine. Meanwhile, her ex-husband Jesse James has been named “Man of the Year” by Douche magazine.

A new Congressional report says that registered sex offenders are finding jobs as teachers as well as other jobs in schools around children. America was shocked to learn that there are people in this country who are finding jobs.

“Oprah’s New Favorite Thing”

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20101206/ap_en_ce/us_kennedy_center_honors;_ylt=Aqqzp4_CpbKoTGUMLy.8_t5xFb8C;_ylu=X3oDMTJ0OGtzMTQxBGFzc2V0A2FwLzIwMTAxMjA2L3VzX2tlbm5lZHlfY2VudGVyX2hvbm9ycwRwb3MDMwRzZWMDeW5fYXJ0aWNsZV9zdW1tYXJ5X2xpc3QEc2xrA2Z1bGxuYnNwc3Rvcg--

Over the weekend, Oprah Winfrey was given the Kennedy Center lifetime achievement award. Because she demanded it.

She then celebrated by eating the Kennedy Center.