“Rocket to Fame”

http://news.discovery.com/tech/new-rocketplane-could-fly-paris-tokyo-116020.html

This week a European airline announced new “rocket plane” that can fly from Paris to Tokyo in under three hours.  And as soon as it hits Tokyo, expect Japan to counter-strike.

Even though it takes less than 3-hours to get to Tokyo, it takes twice as long to air out the smell of the French passengers.

In an effort to change her party-girl image, Paris Hilton is headed for Rwanda. She’ll definitely be taken a lot more seriously after she sleeps with a bunch of Rwandan guys.

She will be there on a charity mission for five whole days, visiting schools and health care clinics. The pattern is; meet and greet with kids, get an STD treatment, kids, STD treatment…

The entire trip will be filmed, because if there is one thing that Rwanda can do for the world, it’s focus some attention on Paris Hilton.

Paris had a comment on her storied dating life as well, saying, “I’ve been linked to so many guys, but there’s nothing romantic going on at all.” Relationship experts agree: there’s nothing romantic about drunk, stranger-sex on a men’s room floor at The Palms.



Two of O.J. Simpson’s co-defendants from last month’s hotel room armed robbery case have made deals with prosecutors to testify against Simpson in his trial. The two men may or may not help the D.A.’s case, but one thing is certain. O.J. will kill them.



The World War II veteran that recovered Hitler’s globe from his Bavarian home in 1945 is putting it up for auction, where it is expected to fetch $15-20,000. It would be worth even more, but Hitler’s Axis fell apart over 60 years ago.

The bad news is: that the globe could be in better condition. The good news is: Hitler’s dead.



Britney Spears is said to have had less involvement on her newest album than on previous discs. Well, they say this is true of all musicians: their songs really are like their children to them.

From Today's News: Thursday, Aug. 23, 2007

Lindsay Lohan got a 1day jail sentence as part of a plea bargain on drunk driving and cocaine charges today. One day? Paris Hilton is pissed!

Speaking of Paris, her partner in crime, so to speak, Nicole Richie served 82 minutes of her 4-day DUI sentence. In related story, Lindsay Lohan is pissed.

Eighty two minutes. I think that’s too harsh. I think Nicole should only have gotten 15 minutes and not a second more. No, wait. I’m thinking about her fame.

Of the many unfortunate circumstances surrounding the jail sentences of Paris, Nicole, and Lindsay, the worst is that real criminals don’t even get street cred for getting locked up any more.



Mel Gibson’s attorney reported to a judge today that Gibson was following the rules of his probation, brought about by his infamous drunk driving arrest and corresponding anti-Semitic tirade last July. If people like Mel are good at anything, it’s following orders and goose-stepping.



The job company Monster.com has admitted that Internet crooks were able to steal basic identity information by enticing 1.3 million Monster users to click fake web-links. Guess there’s going to be quite a few new job openings at Monster.com, eh?



Scientists have calculated that Tyrannosaurus Rex, despite its huge bulk, were still quite fast, able to run at up to 18 miles per hour, much faster than a human. I don’t know how useful that research is; until they also know how fast a T-Rex could drive.

The study used computers loaded with biomechanics information to determine the running speeds of several extinct species. The next round will clock electable middle-of-the-road politicians.

The scientists said, that as long as they are getting paid, they can also tell you who is faster: a unicorn or a Pegasus.

From Today's News: Thursday, Aug.16, 2007

Jenna Bush, daughter of the president, has gotten engaged. The White House released a 3-sentence announcement to that effect today. That doesn’t seem right. Marriage isn’t a 3-sentence thing. It’s more of a life sentence.

So young Jenna is engaged. That’s one more Bush off the market.

Word spread quickly that the president and First Lady are very happy for the betrothed. In fact, the president can’t wait for the wedding, because confetti is bad for the environment.

Her fiancé is Henry Hager, whose family has ties to the Bushes and other high ranking Republicans. So the engagement is a bit of a surprise to some. I mean, why buy the cow when you can get the government contracts for free?

Rumor has it that Jenna has been wanting to get married since November 2004, but Henry kept chanting, “Four more years! Four more years.”



Regarding the space shuttle Endeavour, the good news is that based on careful testing by the crew, the gouge torn into the heat shield of the shuttle will not need to be repaired until it returns to Earth. The bad news is, we still have to pay for the service call, anyway.



Paris Hilton debuted her new clothing line of jeans, t-shirts, and shoes at a trendy L.A. boutique today, with a throng of fans on site. So if you ever wanted to get into Paris’ jeans, now – oh, who hasn’t?

Paris doesn’t seem that confident about how the jeans will sell. Sources already say, depending on her cash flow, she probably would be willing to drop her pants.



A couple in China wants to name their new baby “@,” as in, the sign used in email addresses. Apparently, the sound, “at” approximates a Mandarin word, meaning “love him.” So, if they love him, why not give him a real name?

The proud parents hope the Chinese government allows the name, and can’t wait to introduce the baby to big brothers “&” (ampersand) and “…” (ellipse).

This story may be made fun of on TV and radio, but not in the newspaper comics, where, as we all know, the “@” sign is a hideous curse word that dare not be uttered.

From May 16th: Musings on Paris Hilton going to jail

Paris is actually spending a lot of time trying to figure out what shade of lip gloss is going to match her Corrections Department jump suit.


Jail officials told Paris they can get her any books and magazines in jail, but Paris pleaded with them not to. She considers reading to be cruel and unusual punishment.


Nicole Ritchie will mail Paris a present: a platinum credit card baked into a cake.


She’s going to sleep with every butch inmate in there twice before realizing they are women.


Paris won’t be scared by the threat of solitary confinement. It’s something she has faced every time she has been left alone with her thoughts.


She will lose weight her first few days inside. Not because of nerves or depression. It will take her that long to realize that there is no room service.


Paris will be traumatized in her first jailhouse shower. No one will assault her or anything, but she will go into shock when forced to use non-designer soap.


As a survival tool, she is going to have to sharpen her vibrator into a shiv.


Will the jail issue her a night-vision equipped camcorder for conjugal visits?


Britney Spears will come to visit but will be thrown in a cell when she is mistaken for an inmate because of her bald head.


By the time Paris leaves jail, “the common yard” will be the new nickname for her vagina.