From Today's News: Thursday, Aug.16, 2007

Jenna Bush, daughter of the president, has gotten engaged. The White House released a 3-sentence announcement to that effect today. That doesn’t seem right. Marriage isn’t a 3-sentence thing. It’s more of a life sentence.

So young Jenna is engaged. That’s one more Bush off the market.

Word spread quickly that the president and First Lady are very happy for the betrothed. In fact, the president can’t wait for the wedding, because confetti is bad for the environment.

Her fiancé is Henry Hager, whose family has ties to the Bushes and other high ranking Republicans. So the engagement is a bit of a surprise to some. I mean, why buy the cow when you can get the government contracts for free?

Rumor has it that Jenna has been wanting to get married since November 2004, but Henry kept chanting, “Four more years! Four more years.”



Regarding the space shuttle Endeavour, the good news is that based on careful testing by the crew, the gouge torn into the heat shield of the shuttle will not need to be repaired until it returns to Earth. The bad news is, we still have to pay for the service call, anyway.



Paris Hilton debuted her new clothing line of jeans, t-shirts, and shoes at a trendy L.A. boutique today, with a throng of fans on site. So if you ever wanted to get into Paris’ jeans, now – oh, who hasn’t?

Paris doesn’t seem that confident about how the jeans will sell. Sources already say, depending on her cash flow, she probably would be willing to drop her pants.



A couple in China wants to name their new baby “@,” as in, the sign used in email addresses. Apparently, the sound, “at” approximates a Mandarin word, meaning “love him.” So, if they love him, why not give him a real name?

The proud parents hope the Chinese government allows the name, and can’t wait to introduce the baby to big brothers “&” (ampersand) and “…” (ellipse).

This story may be made fun of on TV and radio, but not in the newspaper comics, where, as we all know, the “@” sign is a hideous curse word that dare not be uttered.

From May 16th: Musings on Paris Hilton going to jail

Paris is actually spending a lot of time trying to figure out what shade of lip gloss is going to match her Corrections Department jump suit.


Jail officials told Paris they can get her any books and magazines in jail, but Paris pleaded with them not to. She considers reading to be cruel and unusual punishment.


Nicole Ritchie will mail Paris a present: a platinum credit card baked into a cake.


She’s going to sleep with every butch inmate in there twice before realizing they are women.


Paris won’t be scared by the threat of solitary confinement. It’s something she has faced every time she has been left alone with her thoughts.


She will lose weight her first few days inside. Not because of nerves or depression. It will take her that long to realize that there is no room service.


Paris will be traumatized in her first jailhouse shower. No one will assault her or anything, but she will go into shock when forced to use non-designer soap.


As a survival tool, she is going to have to sharpen her vibrator into a shiv.


Will the jail issue her a night-vision equipped camcorder for conjugal visits?


Britney Spears will come to visit but will be thrown in a cell when she is mistaken for an inmate because of her bald head.


By the time Paris leaves jail, “the common yard” will be the new nickname for her vagina.