Friday, February 22, 2008

GOP Congressman Rick Renzi of Arizona has been indicted on federal extortion, fraud, and other charges related to a pay-off for a land-swap deal. See, this is the difference between the 2 political parties. With a Republican, you get a land-swap scandal. With a Democrat, it’s a wife-swap scandal.

The indictment says Renzi ultimately collected $733,000 on a deal where he promised an investment group’s land swap legislation a “free pass” through the House Natural Resources Committee. In retrospect, Renzi may wish he exchanged that pass for a “get-out-of-jail-free-pass.”

In his defense, remember that Renzi is a member of the Natural Resources Committee. His alleged land deal payoff was almost ¾ of a million dollars, and the insurance fraud charge is over $400,000. Maybe the congressman considers those payoffs his Natural Resources.

Southern Methodist University has officially announced that it will house the George W. Bush presidential library. The National Archives and Records Administration will run the museum and library, and the Bush Foundation will collect the limerick and picture books.

Sources close to consumer advocate Ralph Nader say he may be considering a run for president this year. In 2000 he ran as the Green part candidate, as an independent in ’04, and if he runs again this year, it will be as the nominee of the Waste of Time Party.

Federal officials have announced that gray wolves are being removed from the endangered species list. These means wolf hunting is likely to begin, and environmentalists are worried the animals’ numbers will again be depleted. Even more worried: werewolves.

Farmers maintain that hunting to thin the numbers of gray wolves is necessary to protect their livestock. In a related story, packs of gray wolves have been seen rushing into drug stores to purchase hair dye.

Thursday, February 21, 2008

John McCain found himself on the defensive today, over a story that alleges that he had an inappropriate relationship with a lobbyist. McCain denies it. Even Mike Huckabee says he doesn’t believe it. But McCain didn’t help himself when he referred to his marriage as his “years trapped as a prisoner of war.”

In New York, a man visiting a woman’s apartment was stabbed in the shoulder with a kitchen knife by her, after he called her ugly. My question is, if she was so ugly, what was he doing at her apartment?

Crime is never pretty, and, for what it’s worth, she’s now felony-assault-ugly. That’s pretty much the opposite end of the spectrum from drop-dead-gorgeous.

At the time of her arrest, the woman was considered neither armed nor dangerous, but police were warned not to look directly at her if they could help it.

Kirstie Alley says that she may litigate against the National Enquirer for saying she was fired from doing Jenny Craig commercials for going off the diet and gaining back all her weight. Kirstie says that isn’t true, and she is going to sue as soon as she finished this case of Twinkies.

The Enquirer has printed several stories based on rumors of Alley’s yo-yoing weight. They haven’t printed pictures, though, because they can’t fit her body across 2 pages.

Despite the Enquirer’s claims, it was Kirstie who decided to pursue other projects, and Jenny Craig backs her up, saying they had even tried to get her to stay on as their spokesperson by offering her a fat contract.

A downtown coffee house in Rockland, ME was cited for violating a town odor ordinance over the smell of the smoke from its coffee roasting process. Is this the most serious crime there? Maybe the city needs to cut down on the caffeine.

This is a business that has helped restore the downtown area as a center of the arts and culture, and you’re going to fine them, or push them out of business? Come on, wake up and smell the coffee.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Forty-four states are pushing to develop more secure driver’s licenses and ID cards, in compliance with the new federal Real ID law. But, for security purposes, we can’t tell you the names of those 44 states.

The move is an attempt by the Dept. of Homeland Security to make it more difficult for would-be terrorists to get licenses. This makes sense because terrorists would never drive a bomb-filled vehicle into a building without a driver’s license.

Comedian Pauly Shore is suing his neighbor, horror filmmaker Wes Craven, for allegedly damaging his property with landscaping changes. I feel sorry for Wes Craven, but hey, whatever it takes to keep Pauly out of movies.

Craven is also suing Shore, who, prior to this case, has already been proven not to be funny.

The two should just duel using their respective talents. Craven could show how scary he can be with a new film, and Pauly can show how scary his comedy can be.

This past Sunday, a church in Florida issued an unusual challenge to its married members: to have sex every day for 30 days. Members were happy about the idea until the pastor further explained that the sex had to be with their own spouse.

The reason for the challenge is the high divorce rate, which church leaders say, can be helped through more sex and intimacy.

The idea came to him when he saw his congregation on their knees.

The pastor is helping in other ways, as well. At communion he is giving parishioners Viagra.

Some members of the church were so inspired by the message that they have already volunteered for a missionary position.

Officials of the Catholic Church have offered similar challenges in the past, only in this one, both partners are adults.

Friday, February 15, 2008

We're back!

England’s Health Secretary urged putting fluoride in the tap water to encourage better dental health for the population there. Right now, only about 10% of England has fluoridated water, which is out of balance, because almost 50% of English people have teeth.

John Graham, an executive member of the National Pure Water Association, which opposes the change, says it’s a human rights violation; medicating without consent. Change is always scary, but what’s even scarier… is his smile.

Actress Bai Ling was arrested for shoplifting after waking out of an LAX shop with 2 magazines and a pack of batteries, which would have cost about $16. Isn’t that unbelievable? What nerve! Not Bai, the airport for charging so much for batteries.

Forget about the $16. The real crime here is that Bai Ling is getting all this free publicity.

In an interview on the Today show yesterday, Jane Fonda used a slang term relative to the topic of the play The Vagina Monologues, in which she was performing for charity. The word is not allowed to be used over the airwaves. She later apologized, saying, “I didn’t mean to blurt that out. I simply f**ked up.”

Thursday, February 14, 2008

The Strike is over!

The WGA Strike has ended, at last.
Time to get back to work, which means back to the News and the Riffs Comedy it inspires.
So, without further delay, on with the jokes... tomorrow.