Preorders for her pending book have already made Sarah Palin a bestselling author, weeks before the book’s scheduled November 17 release. As soon as the book arrives, Palin’s diehard fans will begin reading it, but then quit halfway through.
On Tuesday, Toyota issued a recall of 3.8 million cars driver side floor mats, which had caused the accelerator pedal to get stuck down, causing multiple crashes. It’s a shame, because just as the auto industry was turning around, they literally had the rug pulled from under them.
President Obama is in Denmark campaigning for Chicago to host the 2016 Olympics. His strongest argument: Chicago could certainly use the exercise.
Cirque du Soleil founder Guy Laliberte lifted off toward the International Space Station today, wearing a clown nose to make an important statement: Anyone following a clown into space should know that they have really, really big shoes to fill.
Showing posts with label funny. Show all posts
Showing posts with label funny. Show all posts
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Friday, December 5, 2008
“Use the Name ‘Simpson’ in a Sentence”
O.J. Simpson was sentenced to prison today. He will serve 15 to 33 years for kidnapping, robbery, and weapons convictions stemming from storming a Las Vegas hotel room for sports memorabilia he claimed was his. For legal analysts discussing whether the punishment fits the crime: it fits like a glove.
Simpson, now a resident of Florida, will serve out his sentence in a Nevada state prison. Like they say, “What happens in Vegas…”
The judge is known for doling out tough sentences, but she still wasn’t the most fearsome person in the room. At least she never killed anybody.
Simpson pleaded for leniency from the court, without a written or prepared statement. That’s probably smart, since the last thing he wrote was “If I Did It.”
Simpson, now a resident of Florida, will serve out his sentence in a Nevada state prison. Like they say, “What happens in Vegas…”
The judge is known for doling out tough sentences, but she still wasn’t the most fearsome person in the room. At least she never killed anybody.
Simpson pleaded for leniency from the court, without a written or prepared statement. That’s probably smart, since the last thing he wrote was “If I Did It.”
Thursday, February 21, 2008
John McCain found himself on the defensive today, over a story that alleges that he had an inappropriate relationship with a lobbyist. McCain denies it. Even Mike Huckabee says he doesn’t believe it. But McCain didn’t help himself when he referred to his marriage as his “years trapped as a prisoner of war.”
In New York, a man visiting a woman’s apartment was stabbed in the shoulder with a kitchen knife by her, after he called her ugly. My question is, if she was so ugly, what was he doing at her apartment?
Crime is never pretty, and, for what it’s worth, she’s now felony-assault-ugly. That’s pretty much the opposite end of the spectrum from drop-dead-gorgeous.
At the time of her arrest, the woman was considered neither armed nor dangerous, but police were warned not to look directly at her if they could help it.
Kirstie Alley says that she may litigate against the National Enquirer for saying she was fired from doing Jenny Craig commercials for going off the diet and gaining back all her weight. Kirstie says that isn’t true, and she is going to sue as soon as she finished this case of Twinkies.
The Enquirer has printed several stories based on rumors of Alley’s yo-yoing weight. They haven’t printed pictures, though, because they can’t fit her body across 2 pages.
Despite the Enquirer’s claims, it was Kirstie who decided to pursue other projects, and Jenny Craig backs her up, saying they had even tried to get her to stay on as their spokesperson by offering her a fat contract.
A downtown coffee house in Rockland, ME was cited for violating a town odor ordinance over the smell of the smoke from its coffee roasting process. Is this the most serious crime there? Maybe the city needs to cut down on the caffeine.
This is a business that has helped restore the downtown area as a center of the arts and culture, and you’re going to fine them, or push them out of business? Come on, wake up and smell the coffee.
In New York, a man visiting a woman’s apartment was stabbed in the shoulder with a kitchen knife by her, after he called her ugly. My question is, if she was so ugly, what was he doing at her apartment?
Crime is never pretty, and, for what it’s worth, she’s now felony-assault-ugly. That’s pretty much the opposite end of the spectrum from drop-dead-gorgeous.
At the time of her arrest, the woman was considered neither armed nor dangerous, but police were warned not to look directly at her if they could help it.
Kirstie Alley says that she may litigate against the National Enquirer for saying she was fired from doing Jenny Craig commercials for going off the diet and gaining back all her weight. Kirstie says that isn’t true, and she is going to sue as soon as she finished this case of Twinkies.
The Enquirer has printed several stories based on rumors of Alley’s yo-yoing weight. They haven’t printed pictures, though, because they can’t fit her body across 2 pages.
Despite the Enquirer’s claims, it was Kirstie who decided to pursue other projects, and Jenny Craig backs her up, saying they had even tried to get her to stay on as their spokesperson by offering her a fat contract.
A downtown coffee house in Rockland, ME was cited for violating a town odor ordinance over the smell of the smoke from its coffee roasting process. Is this the most serious crime there? Maybe the city needs to cut down on the caffeine.
This is a business that has helped restore the downtown area as a center of the arts and culture, and you’re going to fine them, or push them out of business? Come on, wake up and smell the coffee.
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
The Center for Environmental Health reported today that they have given legal notices to major retailers who have been selling products found to have high levels of lead. The stores included Wal-Mart, Target, K-Mart, Sears, Costco, and not surprisingly, All Things Lead.
The fact that lead is so prevalent despite government regulations is bad news for reatilaer and consumers. Good news for alchemists, though.
Lead has been found to be dangerous in toys if swallowed or sucked on by young children, and even more so in bullets if you are shot with one.
Congress has introduced new legislation to impose tighter restrictions on lead use, mostly intended to foil the plans of any criminal mastermind trying to conceal things from Superman’s X-Ray vision.
Good work, Congress.
Wonton Food, the largest fortune cookie maker in the U.S., has added some cautious messages to their rotation of fortunes, such as “Today is a disastrous day…” and, “It’s over your head now. …Get some professional help.” Still, it isn’t as bad the classic cookie message, “Eat me.”
So far there have not been many complaints from customers, except for one who admitted being surprised to open a cookie to a handwritten message that said, “I peed in your rice.”
The one thing Chinese restaurant patrons have found annoying is when they open a fortune cookie, and before they can read their fortune, they are solicited to refinance their mortgage.
David Hasselhoff has been hospitalized for detox. He was rushed to L.A.’s Cedars-Sinai Medical Center, but appeared on camera to be moving in slow motion.
It should be noted that Hasselhoff, a worldwide celebrity as a movie, TV, and recording star, has battled with alcoholism since long before Britney and Lindsey made it so trendy.
Congratulations to Jennifer Lopez, who is pregnant. In fact, she is expecting twins. And this time, that doesn’t refer to her ass.
Britney Spears new album, Blackout, is being released two weeks early, due to songs already spilling out on to the Internet. This is not without precedent. Audiences will of course remember Britney herself recently spilling out of her outfit on the VMA’s.
Her label, Jive Records, of course, condemns any illegal downloading or distribution of songs. They say that the only illegal activities they can condone are parked car hit-and runs, driving without a license, controlled substance abuse, and child endangerment.
Britney’s first single from the album, “Gimme More,” is already up to number 3 on Billboard.. But Britney is looking more and more like number two.
Blackout, the title of the album, is a reference to Britney’s favorite drinking hobby.
Starbucks has recalled 250,000 plastic cups for children, due to concerns that they could break and pose a choking hazard. Parents who purchased the $6 cups can either get a refund or use the money as a down payment on a Starbucks drink.
The fact that lead is so prevalent despite government regulations is bad news for reatilaer and consumers. Good news for alchemists, though.
Lead has been found to be dangerous in toys if swallowed or sucked on by young children, and even more so in bullets if you are shot with one.
Congress has introduced new legislation to impose tighter restrictions on lead use, mostly intended to foil the plans of any criminal mastermind trying to conceal things from Superman’s X-Ray vision.
Good work, Congress.
Wonton Food, the largest fortune cookie maker in the U.S., has added some cautious messages to their rotation of fortunes, such as “Today is a disastrous day…” and, “It’s over your head now. …Get some professional help.” Still, it isn’t as bad the classic cookie message, “Eat me.”
So far there have not been many complaints from customers, except for one who admitted being surprised to open a cookie to a handwritten message that said, “I peed in your rice.”
The one thing Chinese restaurant patrons have found annoying is when they open a fortune cookie, and before they can read their fortune, they are solicited to refinance their mortgage.
David Hasselhoff has been hospitalized for detox. He was rushed to L.A.’s Cedars-Sinai Medical Center, but appeared on camera to be moving in slow motion.
It should be noted that Hasselhoff, a worldwide celebrity as a movie, TV, and recording star, has battled with alcoholism since long before Britney and Lindsey made it so trendy.
Congratulations to Jennifer Lopez, who is pregnant. In fact, she is expecting twins. And this time, that doesn’t refer to her ass.
Britney Spears new album, Blackout, is being released two weeks early, due to songs already spilling out on to the Internet. This is not without precedent. Audiences will of course remember Britney herself recently spilling out of her outfit on the VMA’s.
Her label, Jive Records, of course, condemns any illegal downloading or distribution of songs. They say that the only illegal activities they can condone are parked car hit-and runs, driving without a license, controlled substance abuse, and child endangerment.
Britney’s first single from the album, “Gimme More,” is already up to number 3 on Billboard.. But Britney is looking more and more like number two.
Blackout, the title of the album, is a reference to Britney’s favorite drinking hobby.
Starbucks has recalled 250,000 plastic cups for children, due to concerns that they could break and pose a choking hazard. Parents who purchased the $6 cups can either get a refund or use the money as a down payment on a Starbucks drink.
Friday, September 21, 2007
Toy maker Mattel issued an apology today to China, for damaging its reputation amid recent toy recalls. Unfortunately, the apology was coated with lead-based paint.
Mattel’s executives discussed the necessity to gather together with Chinese government officials in a memo, which quoted the old adage: Some assembly required.
China felt pretty beaten up by the media over the recalls, but they did not complain about that to Mattel. Among the tot-related topics they discussed, battery was not included.
Mattel’s executives discussed the necessity to gather together with Chinese government officials in a memo, which quoted the old adage: Some assembly required.
China felt pretty beaten up by the media over the recalls, but they did not complain about that to Mattel. Among the tot-related topics they discussed, battery was not included.
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