George W. Bush’s memoir book, Decision Points, has sold more than a million copies. Upon hearing this, Bush immediately called his publisher to find out if that was more than a hundred.
Showing posts with label Bush. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Bush. Show all posts
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
"Big 'Decision'"
Friday, February 22, 2008
GOP Congressman Rick Renzi of Arizona has been indicted on federal extortion, fraud, and other charges related to a pay-off for a land-swap deal. See, this is the difference between the 2 political parties. With a Republican, you get a land-swap scandal. With a Democrat, it’s a wife-swap scandal.
The indictment says Renzi ultimately collected $733,000 on a deal where he promised an investment group’s land swap legislation a “free pass” through the House Natural Resources Committee. In retrospect, Renzi may wish he exchanged that pass for a “get-out-of-jail-free-pass.”
In his defense, remember that Renzi is a member of the Natural Resources Committee. His alleged land deal payoff was almost ¾ of a million dollars, and the insurance fraud charge is over $400,000. Maybe the congressman considers those payoffs his Natural Resources.
Southern Methodist University has officially announced that it will house the George W. Bush presidential library. The National Archives and Records Administration will run the museum and library, and the Bush Foundation will collect the limerick and picture books.
Sources close to consumer advocate Ralph Nader say he may be considering a run for president this year. In 2000 he ran as the Green part candidate, as an independent in ’04, and if he runs again this year, it will be as the nominee of the Waste of Time Party.
Federal officials have announced that gray wolves are being removed from the endangered species list. These means wolf hunting is likely to begin, and environmentalists are worried the animals’ numbers will again be depleted. Even more worried: werewolves.
Farmers maintain that hunting to thin the numbers of gray wolves is necessary to protect their livestock. In a related story, packs of gray wolves have been seen rushing into drug stores to purchase hair dye.
The indictment says Renzi ultimately collected $733,000 on a deal where he promised an investment group’s land swap legislation a “free pass” through the House Natural Resources Committee. In retrospect, Renzi may wish he exchanged that pass for a “get-out-of-jail-free-pass.”
In his defense, remember that Renzi is a member of the Natural Resources Committee. His alleged land deal payoff was almost ¾ of a million dollars, and the insurance fraud charge is over $400,000. Maybe the congressman considers those payoffs his Natural Resources.
Southern Methodist University has officially announced that it will house the George W. Bush presidential library. The National Archives and Records Administration will run the museum and library, and the Bush Foundation will collect the limerick and picture books.
Sources close to consumer advocate Ralph Nader say he may be considering a run for president this year. In 2000 he ran as the Green part candidate, as an independent in ’04, and if he runs again this year, it will be as the nominee of the Waste of Time Party.
Federal officials have announced that gray wolves are being removed from the endangered species list. These means wolf hunting is likely to begin, and environmentalists are worried the animals’ numbers will again be depleted. Even more worried: werewolves.
Farmers maintain that hunting to thin the numbers of gray wolves is necessary to protect their livestock. In a related story, packs of gray wolves have been seen rushing into drug stores to purchase hair dye.
Friday, November 2, 2007
The World Cancer Research Fund’s large-group, 5-year study has provided more evidence that fat is a big factor in the development of cancer. Oh, great. Do you realize how hard it’s gonna be, if anorexic person gets cancer now, to convince her she’s not fat?
The study points to the salt and nitrates in processed and smoked meats in particular, which have been linked to carcinogens. The processed meat industry dismissed the findings as “a bunch of baloney. Delicious, healthy baloney.”
The American Institute for Cancer Research recommends eating 18 oz. or less red meat per week, avoiding processed meats, exercising 30 minutes a day, and limiting alcoholic beverages to 1 or 2 per day, at which point America as a whole said, Wait, wait; we’ll just take the cancer.
Speaking of fat, Britain has become the heaviest nation in Europe, with a rising 23% obesity rate among its population. We should have seen the warning signs, in popular literature. Turns out everyone at Hogwarts wears cloaks and robes because they can’t fit into trousers.
NASA announced that as early as Friday, astronauts may attempt a space-walk to fix the damaged solar panel, which tore Tuesday as it unfurled. The hastily planned repair is described as risky and unprecedented. NASA officials, meanwhile, are super-excited, as this is the coolest space-mission story since Apollo 13.
Rolling Stone magazine is celebrating its fortieth birthday this week with a commemorative issue and several parties. The commemorative issue was needed as they start having trouble remembering things, and the parties will include healthy snacks and bingo, and will be over by 10pm.
In a speech about health care, President Bush made a joking reference to Vice President Dick Cheney as Darth Vader. As if to show he has a sense of humor, Cheney began laughing for several seconds as Bush seemed to be strangled by an invisible hand.
The study points to the salt and nitrates in processed and smoked meats in particular, which have been linked to carcinogens. The processed meat industry dismissed the findings as “a bunch of baloney. Delicious, healthy baloney.”
The American Institute for Cancer Research recommends eating 18 oz. or less red meat per week, avoiding processed meats, exercising 30 minutes a day, and limiting alcoholic beverages to 1 or 2 per day, at which point America as a whole said, Wait, wait; we’ll just take the cancer.
Speaking of fat, Britain has become the heaviest nation in Europe, with a rising 23% obesity rate among its population. We should have seen the warning signs, in popular literature. Turns out everyone at Hogwarts wears cloaks and robes because they can’t fit into trousers.
NASA announced that as early as Friday, astronauts may attempt a space-walk to fix the damaged solar panel, which tore Tuesday as it unfurled. The hastily planned repair is described as risky and unprecedented. NASA officials, meanwhile, are super-excited, as this is the coolest space-mission story since Apollo 13.
Rolling Stone magazine is celebrating its fortieth birthday this week with a commemorative issue and several parties. The commemorative issue was needed as they start having trouble remembering things, and the parties will include healthy snacks and bingo, and will be over by 10pm.
In a speech about health care, President Bush made a joking reference to Vice President Dick Cheney as Darth Vader. As if to show he has a sense of humor, Cheney began laughing for several seconds as Bush seemed to be strangled by an invisible hand.
Thursday, August 16, 2007
From Today's News: Thursday, Aug.16, 2007
Jenna Bush, daughter of the president, has gotten engaged. The White House released a 3-sentence announcement to that effect today. That doesn’t seem right. Marriage isn’t a 3-sentence thing. It’s more of a life sentence.
So young Jenna is engaged. That’s one more Bush off the market.
Word spread quickly that the president and First Lady are very happy for the betrothed. In fact, the president can’t wait for the wedding, because confetti is bad for the environment.
Her fiancé is Henry Hager, whose family has ties to the Bushes and other high ranking Republicans. So the engagement is a bit of a surprise to some. I mean, why buy the cow when you can get the government contracts for free?
Rumor has it that Jenna has been wanting to get married since November 2004, but Henry kept chanting, “Four more years! Four more years.”
Regarding the space shuttle Endeavour, the good news is that based on careful testing by the crew, the gouge torn into the heat shield of the shuttle will not need to be repaired until it returns to Earth. The bad news is, we still have to pay for the service call, anyway.
Paris Hilton debuted her new clothing line of jeans, t-shirts, and shoes at a trendy L.A. boutique today, with a throng of fans on site. So if you ever wanted to get into Paris’ jeans, now – oh, who hasn’t?
Paris doesn’t seem that confident about how the jeans will sell. Sources already say, depending on her cash flow, she probably would be willing to drop her pants.
A couple in China wants to name their new baby “@,” as in, the sign used in email addresses. Apparently, the sound, “at” approximates a Mandarin word, meaning “love him.” So, if they love him, why not give him a real name?
The proud parents hope the Chinese government allows the name, and can’t wait to introduce the baby to big brothers “&” (ampersand) and “…” (ellipse).
This story may be made fun of on TV and radio, but not in the newspaper comics, where, as we all know, the “@” sign is a hideous curse word that dare not be uttered.
So young Jenna is engaged. That’s one more Bush off the market.
Word spread quickly that the president and First Lady are very happy for the betrothed. In fact, the president can’t wait for the wedding, because confetti is bad for the environment.
Her fiancé is Henry Hager, whose family has ties to the Bushes and other high ranking Republicans. So the engagement is a bit of a surprise to some. I mean, why buy the cow when you can get the government contracts for free?
Rumor has it that Jenna has been wanting to get married since November 2004, but Henry kept chanting, “Four more years! Four more years.”
Regarding the space shuttle Endeavour, the good news is that based on careful testing by the crew, the gouge torn into the heat shield of the shuttle will not need to be repaired until it returns to Earth. The bad news is, we still have to pay for the service call, anyway.
Paris Hilton debuted her new clothing line of jeans, t-shirts, and shoes at a trendy L.A. boutique today, with a throng of fans on site. So if you ever wanted to get into Paris’ jeans, now – oh, who hasn’t?
Paris doesn’t seem that confident about how the jeans will sell. Sources already say, depending on her cash flow, she probably would be willing to drop her pants.
A couple in China wants to name their new baby “@,” as in, the sign used in email addresses. Apparently, the sound, “at” approximates a Mandarin word, meaning “love him.” So, if they love him, why not give him a real name?
The proud parents hope the Chinese government allows the name, and can’t wait to introduce the baby to big brothers “&” (ampersand) and “…” (ellipse).
This story may be made fun of on TV and radio, but not in the newspaper comics, where, as we all know, the “@” sign is a hideous curse word that dare not be uttered.
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
From Today's News: Wednesday, Aug. 15, 2007
Former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld’s letter of resignation from last November has finally surfaced. In it, Rumsfeld plainly stated that he was stepping down, but without any reason—the same way Bush runs his presidency.
The 4 paragraph letter was dated November 7, and stamped "Read by the President" the next day. This is a bit surprising, since the letter contained no illustrations.
The Department of Homeland Security said today that border policing and disaster planning agencies will have greater access to government satellite images. This raises grave questions, like, “Is it true that spy satellites make you look 10 lbs. heavier?
A capuchin monkey named Oliver escaped from his cage at a zoo in Mississippi on Monday, for the second time in a week. He was caught the next day, and the zoo staff has since decided to replace that lock that uses a banana-shaped key.
A space walk off the shuttle Endeavor ended early today, after an astronaut’s mandatory glove inspection revealed a hole in the left thumb of his space suit. NASA is nothing if not fashion conscious.
As a part of a study into the effects of weightlessness, 24 lab mice are on board the space shuttle's urrent mission. In a related story, a new space rocket is being speedily designed and built by cats.
The mice all volunteered for the mission, thinking it was a trip to the moon, which they believe is made of cheese.
Like any civilian, the mice had to pay $10 million apiece to fly on the shuttle.
The mice seem comfortable in their zero-gravity environment, and not at all afraid. Which is good, because in space, no one can hear you squeak.
The 4 paragraph letter was dated November 7, and stamped "Read by the President" the next day. This is a bit surprising, since the letter contained no illustrations.
The Department of Homeland Security said today that border policing and disaster planning agencies will have greater access to government satellite images. This raises grave questions, like, “Is it true that spy satellites make you look 10 lbs. heavier?
A capuchin monkey named Oliver escaped from his cage at a zoo in Mississippi on Monday, for the second time in a week. He was caught the next day, and the zoo staff has since decided to replace that lock that uses a banana-shaped key.
A space walk off the shuttle Endeavor ended early today, after an astronaut’s mandatory glove inspection revealed a hole in the left thumb of his space suit. NASA is nothing if not fashion conscious.
As a part of a study into the effects of weightlessness, 24 lab mice are on board the space shuttle's urrent mission. In a related story, a new space rocket is being speedily designed and built by cats.
The mice all volunteered for the mission, thinking it was a trip to the moon, which they believe is made of cheese.
Like any civilian, the mice had to pay $10 million apiece to fly on the shuttle.
The mice seem comfortable in their zero-gravity environment, and not at all afraid. Which is good, because in space, no one can hear you squeak.
Monday, August 13, 2007
From Today's News: Monday, Aug. 13, 2007
White House Deputy Chief of Staff, Karl Rove announced today that he is stepping down at the end of this month. President Bush has not yet decided on a replacement, but when he does, out of habit, Rove will leak the name.
The reason Rove gave for resigning was so that he can spend more time with his family. But we all know the real reason. It’s so he can spend more time visiting Scooter Libby in prison.
Rove’s future plans include writing a book and then practicing evil in the private sector.
Hillary Clinton has unveiled her first TV commercial in her bid for president. In it she says that most Americans, even the ones serving in Iraq and Afghanistan, are invisible to President Bush. Bush’s response was swift. He said, “I didn’t even know we had that technology yet.”
Astronauts from the space shuttle Endeavour replaced equipment and made repairs to the International Space Station today. As is typical in these scenarios, Endeavour had said on the phone that they would arrive between 9 and 4, forcing the crew members-in residence at the space station to wait around the house for them all day.
Saudi Arabia now has had its first music video made there. Music is generally banned in public places by the government, as it is thought to be un-Islamic. This video, however, was approved because of it’s message: only listen to government approved music.
Some of the images in the video are controversial, like an engaged man flirting with another woman, and neglecting his prayers. It was all only acting, though, of course, so, only the woman had to be punished.
The song is called “You Only Have God to Count On,” and since its debut, it has already shot to Number 1 on the Saudi charts. It beat out last week’s number one: no music at all.
There actually are other music videos from other countries seen in Saudi Arabia over satellite TV. Many of the popular recording artists and video directors from other nations have been multiple nominees for the Saudi “Lengthy prison sentence” awards.
...Most of them have declined to show up to accept their awards.
In Cairo, Egypt, a man at the airport was stopped from boarding a plane to Saudi Arabia with a carry-on bag containing a live cobra and other snakes, lizards, and baby crocodiles. And somewhere, Samuel L. Jackson felt a great disturbance in The Force.
Authorities confiscated the animals, but still let the passenger board. It is still unknown if the reptiles were intended to be used for food or for sex.
Athens, Texas is hosting the “Texas Redneck Games,” with over 5 thousand spectators in attendance for contests like the Mattress Chuck and the Butt Crack contest. No joke—those are the real events. There are no medals given, but the winner gets to marry his sister.
The reason Rove gave for resigning was so that he can spend more time with his family. But we all know the real reason. It’s so he can spend more time visiting Scooter Libby in prison.
Rove’s future plans include writing a book and then practicing evil in the private sector.
Hillary Clinton has unveiled her first TV commercial in her bid for president. In it she says that most Americans, even the ones serving in Iraq and Afghanistan, are invisible to President Bush. Bush’s response was swift. He said, “I didn’t even know we had that technology yet.”
Astronauts from the space shuttle Endeavour replaced equipment and made repairs to the International Space Station today. As is typical in these scenarios, Endeavour had said on the phone that they would arrive between 9 and 4, forcing the crew members-in residence at the space station to wait around the house for them all day.
Saudi Arabia now has had its first music video made there. Music is generally banned in public places by the government, as it is thought to be un-Islamic. This video, however, was approved because of it’s message: only listen to government approved music.
Some of the images in the video are controversial, like an engaged man flirting with another woman, and neglecting his prayers. It was all only acting, though, of course, so, only the woman had to be punished.
The song is called “You Only Have God to Count On,” and since its debut, it has already shot to Number 1 on the Saudi charts. It beat out last week’s number one: no music at all.
There actually are other music videos from other countries seen in Saudi Arabia over satellite TV. Many of the popular recording artists and video directors from other nations have been multiple nominees for the Saudi “Lengthy prison sentence” awards.
...Most of them have declined to show up to accept their awards.
In Cairo, Egypt, a man at the airport was stopped from boarding a plane to Saudi Arabia with a carry-on bag containing a live cobra and other snakes, lizards, and baby crocodiles. And somewhere, Samuel L. Jackson felt a great disturbance in The Force.
Authorities confiscated the animals, but still let the passenger board. It is still unknown if the reptiles were intended to be used for food or for sex.
Athens, Texas is hosting the “Texas Redneck Games,” with over 5 thousand spectators in attendance for contests like the Mattress Chuck and the Butt Crack contest. No joke—those are the real events. There are no medals given, but the winner gets to marry his sister.
Thursday, August 9, 2007
From Today's News: Thursday, Aug. 9, 2007
The Bush administration said today that they have a new plan to fight Afghanistan’s poppy farming, which contributes to much of the world’s illegal drug trade. This will be a blow for poppy production profiteers like the Taliban insurgency, and, of course, the Wicked Witch of the West.
The new strategy has already been embraced by the poppy grower’s arch rival, the sesame seed industry.
One of the main strategies is to get farmers to grow alternative crops, that can’t be made into dangerous drugs like heroin. Crops like… cannabis.
An amateur paleontologist has discovered a dinosaur mass grave site in the small town of Frick, Switzerland. So far, there is no evidence to cause suspicion that the paleontologist had a hand in the dinosaur’s deaths.
The man was scouting a construction site to build a house and discovered Plateosaurus bones. The upside for him is the discovery increases his credibility and respect as a paleontologist. The downside: being haunted by dinosaur ghosts.
The discovery is great news for the village of Frick. In fact, the village is celebrating by changing their town slogan from “What the Frick!” to “Fan-Frick-en-tastic!”
At today’s news conference, President Bush said he was against a 5-cent gasoline tax hike to pay for necessary bridge repairs in Minneapolis and elsewhere. Of course he doesn’t want to the cost of gas to go up now! He’s about to go on a month’s vacation: from Washington, D.C. up to Kennebunkport, ME, to Crawford TX. That’s a lot of miles!
A man was ticketed for posting an “Impeach Bush” sign in a public garden. Hey, if talking negatively about the president is going to get you in trouble with the law, then I am really in for it.
Besides, considering his environmental policies, I think that Bush would approve of anything that disrupts a garden.
The ticket he received was a citation for “advertising on public property.” How is this advertising? What is he selling? Clearly the cop was implying that Bush is for sale, and that ought to earn him a ticket!
The new strategy has already been embraced by the poppy grower’s arch rival, the sesame seed industry.
One of the main strategies is to get farmers to grow alternative crops, that can’t be made into dangerous drugs like heroin. Crops like… cannabis.
An amateur paleontologist has discovered a dinosaur mass grave site in the small town of Frick, Switzerland. So far, there is no evidence to cause suspicion that the paleontologist had a hand in the dinosaur’s deaths.
The man was scouting a construction site to build a house and discovered Plateosaurus bones. The upside for him is the discovery increases his credibility and respect as a paleontologist. The downside: being haunted by dinosaur ghosts.
The discovery is great news for the village of Frick. In fact, the village is celebrating by changing their town slogan from “What the Frick!” to “Fan-Frick-en-tastic!”
At today’s news conference, President Bush said he was against a 5-cent gasoline tax hike to pay for necessary bridge repairs in Minneapolis and elsewhere. Of course he doesn’t want to the cost of gas to go up now! He’s about to go on a month’s vacation: from Washington, D.C. up to Kennebunkport, ME, to Crawford TX. That’s a lot of miles!
A man was ticketed for posting an “Impeach Bush” sign in a public garden. Hey, if talking negatively about the president is going to get you in trouble with the law, then I am really in for it.
Besides, considering his environmental policies, I think that Bush would approve of anything that disrupts a garden.
The ticket he received was a citation for “advertising on public property.” How is this advertising? What is he selling? Clearly the cop was implying that Bush is for sale, and that ought to earn him a ticket!
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