After a month-long hiatus, we are back watching the world, scanning the news, monitoring every detail, and of course, spying on the neighbors.
Stay tuned for the newest, latest, up-to-datest jokes covering everything that is happening on the funniest planet in our solar system (at least since Pluto was disqualified).
Remember to check back frequently to read and rate the very latest jokes.
(That's 'latest' with a 't.' Not lamest, no.)
Thank you for your continued support.
Showing posts with label Topical. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Topical. Show all posts
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Stuff in the News today...
Preorders for her pending book have already made Sarah Palin a bestselling author, weeks before the book’s scheduled November 17 release. As soon as the book arrives, Palin’s diehard fans will begin reading it, but then quit halfway through.
On Tuesday, Toyota issued a recall of 3.8 million cars driver side floor mats, which had caused the accelerator pedal to get stuck down, causing multiple crashes. It’s a shame, because just as the auto industry was turning around, they literally had the rug pulled from under them.
President Obama is in Denmark campaigning for Chicago to host the 2016 Olympics. His strongest argument: Chicago could certainly use the exercise.
Cirque du Soleil founder Guy Laliberte lifted off toward the International Space Station today, wearing a clown nose to make an important statement: Anyone following a clown into space should know that they have really, really big shoes to fill.
On Tuesday, Toyota issued a recall of 3.8 million cars driver side floor mats, which had caused the accelerator pedal to get stuck down, causing multiple crashes. It’s a shame, because just as the auto industry was turning around, they literally had the rug pulled from under them.
President Obama is in Denmark campaigning for Chicago to host the 2016 Olympics. His strongest argument: Chicago could certainly use the exercise.
Cirque du Soleil founder Guy Laliberte lifted off toward the International Space Station today, wearing a clown nose to make an important statement: Anyone following a clown into space should know that they have really, really big shoes to fill.
Monday, March 23, 2009
“Brief Mission” or “Fly Boys”
Aboard the International Space Station this week, Japanese astronaut Koicha Wakata’s mission includes testing new underpants made for life in space. The first problem, of course, is that in zero-gravity, underwear tends to ride up.
The underpants are made to be super-absorbent of sweat, insulated, quick-drying, and antibacterial. The only known design flaw is that they have not been able to make them wedgie-proof.
-This is a real disadvantage, since many space exploration scientists are vulnerable due to their classification as nerds.
The real question is, in the tense moments leading up to a landing back on earth, can the underwear handle a splashdown?
Space agencies are trying to extend the life of disposable garments used in space, since there isn’t a sufficient water supply to wash them. Dry cleaning is out of the question, based on the risk that the astronauts might forget their ticket.
The European Space Agency is way ahead of NASA in both the “not washing clothes” and “not bathing” areas.
Mr. Wakata cannot change the underwear more than once a week for the test, an element described as the “mother’s shame” factor.
Japan is confident in Wakata’s piloting skills, as well, stating that he could land a space shuttle on any runway, without so much as leaving a skid mark.
Strict military rank and protocol prevent any astronauts from voluntarily “going commando.”
The underpants are made to be super-absorbent of sweat, insulated, quick-drying, and antibacterial. The only known design flaw is that they have not been able to make them wedgie-proof.
-This is a real disadvantage, since many space exploration scientists are vulnerable due to their classification as nerds.
The real question is, in the tense moments leading up to a landing back on earth, can the underwear handle a splashdown?
Space agencies are trying to extend the life of disposable garments used in space, since there isn’t a sufficient water supply to wash them. Dry cleaning is out of the question, based on the risk that the astronauts might forget their ticket.
The European Space Agency is way ahead of NASA in both the “not washing clothes” and “not bathing” areas.
Mr. Wakata cannot change the underwear more than once a week for the test, an element described as the “mother’s shame” factor.
Japan is confident in Wakata’s piloting skills, as well, stating that he could land a space shuttle on any runway, without so much as leaving a skid mark.
Strict military rank and protocol prevent any astronauts from voluntarily “going commando.”
Friday, March 20, 2009
Boob Jobs
In Rhode Island, where unemployment has hit 10.3%, strip club owners plan a job fair tomorrow to hire about 30 new people for 3 clubs. They are looking for ambitious, hard-working people, the type that are willing to bend over backwards to satisfy customers.
It just goes to show, even strippers have to pull themselves up by their own boot straps, particularly if that is all they are wearing.
This could be a good opportunity for someone who is tired of living paycheck to paycheck and would rather live on sweaty $1 bills.
Applicants should bring a resume, but don’t need to bring a C.V. unless it’s Double-D V.
Even if you don’t get hired at this job fair, it’s still a great opportunity for exposure.
The owners say they don’t want any applicants to pad your achievements, but they don’t care if you have them augmented.
One of the girls coming to the job fair said that she’ll give a better interview if you give her $50.
-She is going to get hired.
An important hiring tip for all girls coming to the job fair, especially ones with a lot of stripping experience already: Seriuosly, get someone to watch your kids for you.
It just goes to show, even strippers have to pull themselves up by their own boot straps, particularly if that is all they are wearing.
This could be a good opportunity for someone who is tired of living paycheck to paycheck and would rather live on sweaty $1 bills.
Applicants should bring a resume, but don’t need to bring a C.V. unless it’s Double-D V.
Even if you don’t get hired at this job fair, it’s still a great opportunity for exposure.
The owners say they don’t want any applicants to pad your achievements, but they don’t care if you have them augmented.
One of the girls coming to the job fair said that she’ll give a better interview if you give her $50.
-She is going to get hired.
An important hiring tip for all girls coming to the job fair, especially ones with a lot of stripping experience already: Seriuosly, get someone to watch your kids for you.
Monday, March 16, 2009
“Non-Pro Posers Throw Blows” or “Emaciated Incarcerated”
In New York, a stampede and near riot broke out late last week among would-be contestants at a cattle call audition for America’s Next Top Model. Interestingly, the story’s inclusion of the words “cattle” and “stampede” has resulted in all the models swearing off all food.
Most models aren’t often involved in such chaos and disorder. Unless, of course, it’s an eating disorder.
Three were arrested and six were injured at the audition. One person was hit with what she thought was a stick, that actually just turned out to be one of the models.
Two of the six injured were taken to the hospital. Several others drove themselves to the hospital, but that was just for more elective plastic surgery.
More people would have been arrested, but there was no way to keep handcuffs on their skinny little wrists.
Sadly, those who were arrested were denied their request to bring a makeup artist for their mug-shots.
Following the incident, Executive Producer and host of America’s Next Top Model Tyra Banks showed genuine concern by encouraging everyone to watch her syndicated daily talk show.
Past contestants were appalled and said the whole incident just made them want to throw up. Which they were planning to do anyway.
No one knows exactly what started the whole melee, but producers expressed their sincere regret that it wasn’t all captured on camera for a highlight reel.
Most models aren’t often involved in such chaos and disorder. Unless, of course, it’s an eating disorder.
Three were arrested and six were injured at the audition. One person was hit with what she thought was a stick, that actually just turned out to be one of the models.
Two of the six injured were taken to the hospital. Several others drove themselves to the hospital, but that was just for more elective plastic surgery.
More people would have been arrested, but there was no way to keep handcuffs on their skinny little wrists.
Sadly, those who were arrested were denied their request to bring a makeup artist for their mug-shots.
Following the incident, Executive Producer and host of America’s Next Top Model Tyra Banks showed genuine concern by encouraging everyone to watch her syndicated daily talk show.
Past contestants were appalled and said the whole incident just made them want to throw up. Which they were planning to do anyway.
No one knows exactly what started the whole melee, but producers expressed their sincere regret that it wasn’t all captured on camera for a highlight reel.
Monday, March 9, 2009
"Chasing Amy"
Singer Amy Winehouse had to cancel her planned appearance at the Coachella music festival in April, since she has to appear in court that day for allegedly hitting a fan at a London party. Amy won’t appear in court either, as she already plans to be on a bender and spend that day lying on the floor of a hotel lobby in a puddle of her own filth.
Before becoming a tabloid staple for her court cases and marital problems, Amy used to be an award-winning sloppy mess.
Amy is starting to strongly discourage teens from abusing drugs and alcohol, but she hasn’t been doing so intentionally.
Before becoming a tabloid staple for her court cases and marital problems, Amy used to be an award-winning sloppy mess.
Amy is starting to strongly discourage teens from abusing drugs and alcohol, but she hasn’t been doing so intentionally.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
"Say You Want An Evolution"
Today is Charles Darwin’s 200th birthday, and it is being celebrated around the world despite the fact that Darwin himself died 127 years ago. By his own theory, he’d have survived, had he been fitter.
Smaller birthday parties to honor the pioneering naturalist have gone on for many years, but over time, they have really evolved.
Proponents of Evolution use the day to publicize their thinking. They note that choosing Darwin’s birth date to bring attention to their cause seemed to be a Natural Selection.
Ironically, both Darwin’s birthday and his contributions to science were completely ignored by the world’s entire population of monkeys.
Smaller birthday parties to honor the pioneering naturalist have gone on for many years, but over time, they have really evolved.
Proponents of Evolution use the day to publicize their thinking. They note that choosing Darwin’s birth date to bring attention to their cause seemed to be a Natural Selection.
Ironically, both Darwin’s birthday and his contributions to science were completely ignored by the world’s entire population of monkeys.
Monday, January 5, 2009
Franken's Time
In Minnesota, the too-close-to-call U.S. Senate race recount finally has a winner. It appears that author, radio host, and former Saturday Night Live comedian Al Franken has defeated incumbent Norm Coleman by 225 votes. Franken attributes his victory to the fact that he’s good enough, he’s smart enough, and gosh darn it, people like him.
From Ronald Reagan to Arnold Schwarzenegger, it’s not unheard of for a show business personality to be voted into office, but a performer known for comedy is a bit of a change. Usually, voters don’t usually know they elected a clown until he takes office.
From Ronald Reagan to Arnold Schwarzenegger, it’s not unheard of for a show business personality to be voted into office, but a performer known for comedy is a bit of a change. Usually, voters don’t usually know they elected a clown until he takes office.
Friday, December 5, 2008
“Use the Name ‘Simpson’ in a Sentence”
O.J. Simpson was sentenced to prison today. He will serve 15 to 33 years for kidnapping, robbery, and weapons convictions stemming from storming a Las Vegas hotel room for sports memorabilia he claimed was his. For legal analysts discussing whether the punishment fits the crime: it fits like a glove.
Simpson, now a resident of Florida, will serve out his sentence in a Nevada state prison. Like they say, “What happens in Vegas…”
The judge is known for doling out tough sentences, but she still wasn’t the most fearsome person in the room. At least she never killed anybody.
Simpson pleaded for leniency from the court, without a written or prepared statement. That’s probably smart, since the last thing he wrote was “If I Did It.”
Simpson, now a resident of Florida, will serve out his sentence in a Nevada state prison. Like they say, “What happens in Vegas…”
The judge is known for doling out tough sentences, but she still wasn’t the most fearsome person in the room. At least she never killed anybody.
Simpson pleaded for leniency from the court, without a written or prepared statement. That’s probably smart, since the last thing he wrote was “If I Did It.”
Friday, September 26, 2008
Don’t Bank On It
So far, Congressional talks to fund President Bush’s proposed bank industry bailout have failed. In summary, half of Congress bailed and the other half are out.
John McCain has said that he will debate with Barak Obama tonight. All week, the two sides have been publicly arguing back and forth about the proposed bank bail-out, the economy, and the priorities of this country. Isn’t that called… a debate?
In the biggest bank failure in U.S. history, Washington Mutual was seized and its assets sold to JP Morgan Chase & Co. last night. To reflect its new relationship with customers, Washington Mutual is changing its name to Mutual Disdain.
John McCain has said that he will debate with Barak Obama tonight. All week, the two sides have been publicly arguing back and forth about the proposed bank bail-out, the economy, and the priorities of this country. Isn’t that called… a debate?
In the biggest bank failure in U.S. history, Washington Mutual was seized and its assets sold to JP Morgan Chase & Co. last night. To reflect its new relationship with customers, Washington Mutual is changing its name to Mutual Disdain.
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
“Hustle in Flo”
John “Junior” Gotti, son of the late organized crime boss John Gotti, has been indicted on conspiracy charges related to cocaine trafficking and three murders. Gotti has prior racketeering convictions for bribery, extortion, fraud, and gambling, but this pushes him up from the level of “gangster” to that of “gangsta.” Congratulations, Junior.
When he was released from prison in 2005, Gotti had said he had retired from his life of crime. This week’s cocaine and murder indictments illustrate just how important it is for retirees to keep active.
The indictment in Florida follows failed trials in New York in 2006 and 2007 that ended in mistrial or hung jury. The FBI had a hunch they could get Gotti in Florida based on his own claim that he retired.
When he was released from prison in 2005, Gotti had said he had retired from his life of crime. This week’s cocaine and murder indictments illustrate just how important it is for retirees to keep active.
The indictment in Florida follows failed trials in New York in 2006 and 2007 that ended in mistrial or hung jury. The FBI had a hunch they could get Gotti in Florida based on his own claim that he retired.
“Bow-wow… Wow!”
A South Korean company claiming to be the world’s first successful commercial dog-cloning service has its first client. A California woman paid $50,000 for 5 puppy clones from her deceased pit bull, Booger. The happy customer is beside herself, and so are her puppies.
The oman is even naming the pups after the Korean scientists. Still, it will be hard to tell them apart, because they all look alike. The clones; not Koreans.
After an American-based cloning company shut down, the customer had turned to Seoul National University, who owns the patent on dog-cloning. The American company had never cloned a canine, anyway, but had produced cloned felines. Patent attorneys have accused them of being Copy Cats.
A commercial breakthrough more than a scientific one, since the first successful dog cloning took place in 2005, some Koreans have been heard to say that the easy availability of cloned dogs sounds delicious.
The oman is even naming the pups after the Korean scientists. Still, it will be hard to tell them apart, because they all look alike. The clones; not Koreans.
After an American-based cloning company shut down, the customer had turned to Seoul National University, who owns the patent on dog-cloning. The American company had never cloned a canine, anyway, but had produced cloned felines. Patent attorneys have accused them of being Copy Cats.
A commercial breakthrough more than a scientific one, since the first successful dog cloning took place in 2005, some Koreans have been heard to say that the easy availability of cloned dogs sounds delicious.
Friday, February 22, 2008
GOP Congressman Rick Renzi of Arizona has been indicted on federal extortion, fraud, and other charges related to a pay-off for a land-swap deal. See, this is the difference between the 2 political parties. With a Republican, you get a land-swap scandal. With a Democrat, it’s a wife-swap scandal.
The indictment says Renzi ultimately collected $733,000 on a deal where he promised an investment group’s land swap legislation a “free pass” through the House Natural Resources Committee. In retrospect, Renzi may wish he exchanged that pass for a “get-out-of-jail-free-pass.”
In his defense, remember that Renzi is a member of the Natural Resources Committee. His alleged land deal payoff was almost ¾ of a million dollars, and the insurance fraud charge is over $400,000. Maybe the congressman considers those payoffs his Natural Resources.
Southern Methodist University has officially announced that it will house the George W. Bush presidential library. The National Archives and Records Administration will run the museum and library, and the Bush Foundation will collect the limerick and picture books.
Sources close to consumer advocate Ralph Nader say he may be considering a run for president this year. In 2000 he ran as the Green part candidate, as an independent in ’04, and if he runs again this year, it will be as the nominee of the Waste of Time Party.
Federal officials have announced that gray wolves are being removed from the endangered species list. These means wolf hunting is likely to begin, and environmentalists are worried the animals’ numbers will again be depleted. Even more worried: werewolves.
Farmers maintain that hunting to thin the numbers of gray wolves is necessary to protect their livestock. In a related story, packs of gray wolves have been seen rushing into drug stores to purchase hair dye.
The indictment says Renzi ultimately collected $733,000 on a deal where he promised an investment group’s land swap legislation a “free pass” through the House Natural Resources Committee. In retrospect, Renzi may wish he exchanged that pass for a “get-out-of-jail-free-pass.”
In his defense, remember that Renzi is a member of the Natural Resources Committee. His alleged land deal payoff was almost ¾ of a million dollars, and the insurance fraud charge is over $400,000. Maybe the congressman considers those payoffs his Natural Resources.
Southern Methodist University has officially announced that it will house the George W. Bush presidential library. The National Archives and Records Administration will run the museum and library, and the Bush Foundation will collect the limerick and picture books.
Sources close to consumer advocate Ralph Nader say he may be considering a run for president this year. In 2000 he ran as the Green part candidate, as an independent in ’04, and if he runs again this year, it will be as the nominee of the Waste of Time Party.
Federal officials have announced that gray wolves are being removed from the endangered species list. These means wolf hunting is likely to begin, and environmentalists are worried the animals’ numbers will again be depleted. Even more worried: werewolves.
Farmers maintain that hunting to thin the numbers of gray wolves is necessary to protect their livestock. In a related story, packs of gray wolves have been seen rushing into drug stores to purchase hair dye.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
John McCain found himself on the defensive today, over a story that alleges that he had an inappropriate relationship with a lobbyist. McCain denies it. Even Mike Huckabee says he doesn’t believe it. But McCain didn’t help himself when he referred to his marriage as his “years trapped as a prisoner of war.”
In New York, a man visiting a woman’s apartment was stabbed in the shoulder with a kitchen knife by her, after he called her ugly. My question is, if she was so ugly, what was he doing at her apartment?
Crime is never pretty, and, for what it’s worth, she’s now felony-assault-ugly. That’s pretty much the opposite end of the spectrum from drop-dead-gorgeous.
At the time of her arrest, the woman was considered neither armed nor dangerous, but police were warned not to look directly at her if they could help it.
Kirstie Alley says that she may litigate against the National Enquirer for saying she was fired from doing Jenny Craig commercials for going off the diet and gaining back all her weight. Kirstie says that isn’t true, and she is going to sue as soon as she finished this case of Twinkies.
The Enquirer has printed several stories based on rumors of Alley’s yo-yoing weight. They haven’t printed pictures, though, because they can’t fit her body across 2 pages.
Despite the Enquirer’s claims, it was Kirstie who decided to pursue other projects, and Jenny Craig backs her up, saying they had even tried to get her to stay on as their spokesperson by offering her a fat contract.
A downtown coffee house in Rockland, ME was cited for violating a town odor ordinance over the smell of the smoke from its coffee roasting process. Is this the most serious crime there? Maybe the city needs to cut down on the caffeine.
This is a business that has helped restore the downtown area as a center of the arts and culture, and you’re going to fine them, or push them out of business? Come on, wake up and smell the coffee.
In New York, a man visiting a woman’s apartment was stabbed in the shoulder with a kitchen knife by her, after he called her ugly. My question is, if she was so ugly, what was he doing at her apartment?
Crime is never pretty, and, for what it’s worth, she’s now felony-assault-ugly. That’s pretty much the opposite end of the spectrum from drop-dead-gorgeous.
At the time of her arrest, the woman was considered neither armed nor dangerous, but police were warned not to look directly at her if they could help it.
Kirstie Alley says that she may litigate against the National Enquirer for saying she was fired from doing Jenny Craig commercials for going off the diet and gaining back all her weight. Kirstie says that isn’t true, and she is going to sue as soon as she finished this case of Twinkies.
The Enquirer has printed several stories based on rumors of Alley’s yo-yoing weight. They haven’t printed pictures, though, because they can’t fit her body across 2 pages.
Despite the Enquirer’s claims, it was Kirstie who decided to pursue other projects, and Jenny Craig backs her up, saying they had even tried to get her to stay on as their spokesperson by offering her a fat contract.
A downtown coffee house in Rockland, ME was cited for violating a town odor ordinance over the smell of the smoke from its coffee roasting process. Is this the most serious crime there? Maybe the city needs to cut down on the caffeine.
This is a business that has helped restore the downtown area as a center of the arts and culture, and you’re going to fine them, or push them out of business? Come on, wake up and smell the coffee.
Friday, November 2, 2007
The World Cancer Research Fund’s large-group, 5-year study has provided more evidence that fat is a big factor in the development of cancer. Oh, great. Do you realize how hard it’s gonna be, if anorexic person gets cancer now, to convince her she’s not fat?
The study points to the salt and nitrates in processed and smoked meats in particular, which have been linked to carcinogens. The processed meat industry dismissed the findings as “a bunch of baloney. Delicious, healthy baloney.”
The American Institute for Cancer Research recommends eating 18 oz. or less red meat per week, avoiding processed meats, exercising 30 minutes a day, and limiting alcoholic beverages to 1 or 2 per day, at which point America as a whole said, Wait, wait; we’ll just take the cancer.
Speaking of fat, Britain has become the heaviest nation in Europe, with a rising 23% obesity rate among its population. We should have seen the warning signs, in popular literature. Turns out everyone at Hogwarts wears cloaks and robes because they can’t fit into trousers.
NASA announced that as early as Friday, astronauts may attempt a space-walk to fix the damaged solar panel, which tore Tuesday as it unfurled. The hastily planned repair is described as risky and unprecedented. NASA officials, meanwhile, are super-excited, as this is the coolest space-mission story since Apollo 13.
Rolling Stone magazine is celebrating its fortieth birthday this week with a commemorative issue and several parties. The commemorative issue was needed as they start having trouble remembering things, and the parties will include healthy snacks and bingo, and will be over by 10pm.
In a speech about health care, President Bush made a joking reference to Vice President Dick Cheney as Darth Vader. As if to show he has a sense of humor, Cheney began laughing for several seconds as Bush seemed to be strangled by an invisible hand.
The study points to the salt and nitrates in processed and smoked meats in particular, which have been linked to carcinogens. The processed meat industry dismissed the findings as “a bunch of baloney. Delicious, healthy baloney.”
The American Institute for Cancer Research recommends eating 18 oz. or less red meat per week, avoiding processed meats, exercising 30 minutes a day, and limiting alcoholic beverages to 1 or 2 per day, at which point America as a whole said, Wait, wait; we’ll just take the cancer.
Speaking of fat, Britain has become the heaviest nation in Europe, with a rising 23% obesity rate among its population. We should have seen the warning signs, in popular literature. Turns out everyone at Hogwarts wears cloaks and robes because they can’t fit into trousers.
NASA announced that as early as Friday, astronauts may attempt a space-walk to fix the damaged solar panel, which tore Tuesday as it unfurled. The hastily planned repair is described as risky and unprecedented. NASA officials, meanwhile, are super-excited, as this is the coolest space-mission story since Apollo 13.
Rolling Stone magazine is celebrating its fortieth birthday this week with a commemorative issue and several parties. The commemorative issue was needed as they start having trouble remembering things, and the parties will include healthy snacks and bingo, and will be over by 10pm.
In a speech about health care, President Bush made a joking reference to Vice President Dick Cheney as Darth Vader. As if to show he has a sense of humor, Cheney began laughing for several seconds as Bush seemed to be strangled by an invisible hand.
Monday, October 29, 2007
The Supreme Court is considering an appeal of the $2.5 billion punitive damages award against Exxon Mobil over the 1989 Exxon Valdez spill of 11 million gallons of crude oil. Exxon’s lawyers are really clever. They say, since global warming had raised ocean water levels, the oil to water ratio is far less.
The lawyers went on to say that Exxon Mobil should actually be rewarded for preserving the environment by preventing wildlife from completely overrunning the area.
Following President Bush’s recent healthcare bill veto, Congressional Democrats are strategizing a compromise bill with Republicans to get the two-thirds majority needed to override it. The new bill would grant healthcare to all poor children as long as they invest in blue-chip stocks and carry a hand-gun.
A pastor in Lexington, KY is having all members of his congregation send letters of support to Britney Spears. “As a church, let's love Britney the way Jesus loves her." That’s a nice idea, but isn’t it possible that some church members want to love Britney in a different way?
The plan lost it's steam a bit, however, when Britney took off after hitting and damaging a parked car that tuned out to belong to Jesus.
"No preaching. No criticizing. Just love,” the pastor said in his sermon. So the obvious things not to mention are her divorce, parenting, alcohol, drug abuse, court orders, driver’s license, hit-and-run, her dancing, her singing, or hair extensions.
We all know Britney has had her share of troubles lately. Imagine having two little ones that are getting bigger and bigger every day, but you can’t even see them. But enough about her lips.
The lawyers went on to say that Exxon Mobil should actually be rewarded for preserving the environment by preventing wildlife from completely overrunning the area.
Following President Bush’s recent healthcare bill veto, Congressional Democrats are strategizing a compromise bill with Republicans to get the two-thirds majority needed to override it. The new bill would grant healthcare to all poor children as long as they invest in blue-chip stocks and carry a hand-gun.
A pastor in Lexington, KY is having all members of his congregation send letters of support to Britney Spears. “As a church, let's love Britney the way Jesus loves her." That’s a nice idea, but isn’t it possible that some church members want to love Britney in a different way?
The plan lost it's steam a bit, however, when Britney took off after hitting and damaging a parked car that tuned out to belong to Jesus.
"No preaching. No criticizing. Just love,” the pastor said in his sermon. So the obvious things not to mention are her divorce, parenting, alcohol, drug abuse, court orders, driver’s license, hit-and-run, her dancing, her singing, or hair extensions.
We all know Britney has had her share of troubles lately. Imagine having two little ones that are getting bigger and bigger every day, but you can’t even see them. But enough about her lips.
Monday, October 15, 2007
In an effort to change her party-girl image, Paris Hilton is headed for Rwanda. She’ll definitely be taken a lot more seriously after she sleeps with a bunch of Rwandan guys.
She will be there on a charity mission for five whole days, visiting schools and health care clinics. The pattern is; meet and greet with kids, get an STD treatment, kids, STD treatment…
The entire trip will be filmed, because if there is one thing that Rwanda can do for the world, it’s focus some attention on Paris Hilton.
Paris had a comment on her storied dating life as well, saying, “I’ve been linked to so many guys, but there’s nothing romantic going on at all.” Relationship experts agree: there’s nothing romantic about drunk, stranger-sex on a men’s room floor at The Palms.
Two of O.J. Simpson’s co-defendants from last month’s hotel room armed robbery case have made deals with prosecutors to testify against Simpson in his trial. The two men may or may not help the D.A.’s case, but one thing is certain. O.J. will kill them.
The World War II veteran that recovered Hitler’s globe from his Bavarian home in 1945 is putting it up for auction, where it is expected to fetch $15-20,000. It would be worth even more, but Hitler’s Axis fell apart over 60 years ago.
The bad news is: that the globe could be in better condition. The good news is: Hitler’s dead.
Britney Spears is said to have had less involvement on her newest album than on previous discs. Well, they say this is true of all musicians: their songs really are like their children to them.
She will be there on a charity mission for five whole days, visiting schools and health care clinics. The pattern is; meet and greet with kids, get an STD treatment, kids, STD treatment…
The entire trip will be filmed, because if there is one thing that Rwanda can do for the world, it’s focus some attention on Paris Hilton.
Paris had a comment on her storied dating life as well, saying, “I’ve been linked to so many guys, but there’s nothing romantic going on at all.” Relationship experts agree: there’s nothing romantic about drunk, stranger-sex on a men’s room floor at The Palms.
Two of O.J. Simpson’s co-defendants from last month’s hotel room armed robbery case have made deals with prosecutors to testify against Simpson in his trial. The two men may or may not help the D.A.’s case, but one thing is certain. O.J. will kill them.
The World War II veteran that recovered Hitler’s globe from his Bavarian home in 1945 is putting it up for auction, where it is expected to fetch $15-20,000. It would be worth even more, but Hitler’s Axis fell apart over 60 years ago.
The bad news is: that the globe could be in better condition. The good news is: Hitler’s dead.
Britney Spears is said to have had less involvement on her newest album than on previous discs. Well, they say this is true of all musicians: their songs really are like their children to them.
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
The Center for Environmental Health reported today that they have given legal notices to major retailers who have been selling products found to have high levels of lead. The stores included Wal-Mart, Target, K-Mart, Sears, Costco, and not surprisingly, All Things Lead.
The fact that lead is so prevalent despite government regulations is bad news for reatilaer and consumers. Good news for alchemists, though.
Lead has been found to be dangerous in toys if swallowed or sucked on by young children, and even more so in bullets if you are shot with one.
Congress has introduced new legislation to impose tighter restrictions on lead use, mostly intended to foil the plans of any criminal mastermind trying to conceal things from Superman’s X-Ray vision.
Good work, Congress.
Wonton Food, the largest fortune cookie maker in the U.S., has added some cautious messages to their rotation of fortunes, such as “Today is a disastrous day…” and, “It’s over your head now. …Get some professional help.” Still, it isn’t as bad the classic cookie message, “Eat me.”
So far there have not been many complaints from customers, except for one who admitted being surprised to open a cookie to a handwritten message that said, “I peed in your rice.”
The one thing Chinese restaurant patrons have found annoying is when they open a fortune cookie, and before they can read their fortune, they are solicited to refinance their mortgage.
David Hasselhoff has been hospitalized for detox. He was rushed to L.A.’s Cedars-Sinai Medical Center, but appeared on camera to be moving in slow motion.
It should be noted that Hasselhoff, a worldwide celebrity as a movie, TV, and recording star, has battled with alcoholism since long before Britney and Lindsey made it so trendy.
Congratulations to Jennifer Lopez, who is pregnant. In fact, she is expecting twins. And this time, that doesn’t refer to her ass.
Britney Spears new album, Blackout, is being released two weeks early, due to songs already spilling out on to the Internet. This is not without precedent. Audiences will of course remember Britney herself recently spilling out of her outfit on the VMA’s.
Her label, Jive Records, of course, condemns any illegal downloading or distribution of songs. They say that the only illegal activities they can condone are parked car hit-and runs, driving without a license, controlled substance abuse, and child endangerment.
Britney’s first single from the album, “Gimme More,” is already up to number 3 on Billboard.. But Britney is looking more and more like number two.
Blackout, the title of the album, is a reference to Britney’s favorite drinking hobby.
Starbucks has recalled 250,000 plastic cups for children, due to concerns that they could break and pose a choking hazard. Parents who purchased the $6 cups can either get a refund or use the money as a down payment on a Starbucks drink.
The fact that lead is so prevalent despite government regulations is bad news for reatilaer and consumers. Good news for alchemists, though.
Lead has been found to be dangerous in toys if swallowed or sucked on by young children, and even more so in bullets if you are shot with one.
Congress has introduced new legislation to impose tighter restrictions on lead use, mostly intended to foil the plans of any criminal mastermind trying to conceal things from Superman’s X-Ray vision.
Good work, Congress.
Wonton Food, the largest fortune cookie maker in the U.S., has added some cautious messages to their rotation of fortunes, such as “Today is a disastrous day…” and, “It’s over your head now. …Get some professional help.” Still, it isn’t as bad the classic cookie message, “Eat me.”
So far there have not been many complaints from customers, except for one who admitted being surprised to open a cookie to a handwritten message that said, “I peed in your rice.”
The one thing Chinese restaurant patrons have found annoying is when they open a fortune cookie, and before they can read their fortune, they are solicited to refinance their mortgage.
David Hasselhoff has been hospitalized for detox. He was rushed to L.A.’s Cedars-Sinai Medical Center, but appeared on camera to be moving in slow motion.
It should be noted that Hasselhoff, a worldwide celebrity as a movie, TV, and recording star, has battled with alcoholism since long before Britney and Lindsey made it so trendy.
Congratulations to Jennifer Lopez, who is pregnant. In fact, she is expecting twins. And this time, that doesn’t refer to her ass.
Britney Spears new album, Blackout, is being released two weeks early, due to songs already spilling out on to the Internet. This is not without precedent. Audiences will of course remember Britney herself recently spilling out of her outfit on the VMA’s.
Her label, Jive Records, of course, condemns any illegal downloading or distribution of songs. They say that the only illegal activities they can condone are parked car hit-and runs, driving without a license, controlled substance abuse, and child endangerment.
Britney’s first single from the album, “Gimme More,” is already up to number 3 on Billboard.. But Britney is looking more and more like number two.
Blackout, the title of the album, is a reference to Britney’s favorite drinking hobby.
Starbucks has recalled 250,000 plastic cups for children, due to concerns that they could break and pose a choking hazard. Parents who purchased the $6 cups can either get a refund or use the money as a down payment on a Starbucks drink.
Friday, September 21, 2007
Toy maker Mattel issued an apology today to China, for damaging its reputation amid recent toy recalls. Unfortunately, the apology was coated with lead-based paint.
Mattel’s executives discussed the necessity to gather together with Chinese government officials in a memo, which quoted the old adage: Some assembly required.
China felt pretty beaten up by the media over the recalls, but they did not complain about that to Mattel. Among the tot-related topics they discussed, battery was not included.
Mattel’s executives discussed the necessity to gather together with Chinese government officials in a memo, which quoted the old adage: Some assembly required.
China felt pretty beaten up by the media over the recalls, but they did not complain about that to Mattel. Among the tot-related topics they discussed, battery was not included.
Thursday, September 20, 2007
Professional golf has announced an anti-doping policy, banning steroids and other performance enhancing drugs. Also, no more rocket fuel in the golf carts.
Sure, everyone knows steroids have been a huge problem in golf for years. The worst of it came in the 1982 PGA Tour, when Jack Nicklaus shot a hole in one without using club and then went on a killing spree.
Then there was the U.S. Open, 4 years ago, when Tiger Woods turned his 3 iron into a 9 with his bare hands and then chewed the head of his driver into a putter.
In actuality, there has been evidence of golfers taking performance enhancing drugs. But then again, they may just be cleverly hiding it behind their knickers and white gloves.
The World Golf Foundation, worried that golf may be less exciting without steroid-pumped athletes, has made another rule change that all caddies will be required to be drunk to keep things interesting.
Sure, everyone knows steroids have been a huge problem in golf for years. The worst of it came in the 1982 PGA Tour, when Jack Nicklaus shot a hole in one without using club and then went on a killing spree.
Then there was the U.S. Open, 4 years ago, when Tiger Woods turned his 3 iron into a 9 with his bare hands and then chewed the head of his driver into a putter.
In actuality, there has been evidence of golfers taking performance enhancing drugs. But then again, they may just be cleverly hiding it behind their knickers and white gloves.
The World Golf Foundation, worried that golf may be less exciting without steroid-pumped athletes, has made another rule change that all caddies will be required to be drunk to keep things interesting.
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