Thursday, August 28, 2008

Gross National Product. - And I Mean Gross!

In Cambodia, inflation has caused the price of rat meat to quadruple this year, in accordance with supply and demand. I don’t know which disturbs me more: the supply, or the demand.

The current price in about 5,000 riel per kilogram, or 69 pence/kg. To put it in American trade terms, that means that you can buy rat meat to eat but you would be trading your self respect.

Rat meat is commonly eaten in Cambodia, neighboring Vietnam, and parts of eastern India. The upside is the money saved. The downside: rat breath.

People have apparently been seeking this food source, rabidly.

Cambodians have begun to experience cravings for rat. In the middle of the night, it just starts gnawing at you.

Some popular new dishes include:
Ratini pasta
Potatoes Au-Rat-in
of course, Ratatouille.
And for dessert, Peppermint Ratties

Among some, this is being viewed as a potential international threat. In fact, the White House is furious that Cambodia has secretly been harboring Weapons of Mass Disgusting.

There’s an old saying: “Give a man a rat and he’ll eat for a day, but teach a man not to eat rat and he’ll thank you for life.”

This raises a lot of other questions. For example, "The Cambodian Board of Health: what the hell’s the point?"

What does the counter help ask you in a restaurant that serves rat burgers, anyway? “Do you want flies with that?”

Friday, August 22, 2008

‘Fierce’ or Just Cocky?

America’s Next Top Model has just announced next season’s inclusion of Isis, the show’s first trans-gendered contestant. Isis describes herself as “a woman who was born… male,” who aspires to be both a Top Model, and America’s Next Bottom.

Of the thousands of girls who audition to be on ANTM, the producers are always looking for contestants who have something special, and Isis really had one thing that stood out.

She takes her name, Isis, from the Egyptian goddess of magic, who I’m guessing, had the power to make her penis disappear.

One question that arises is, will Isis appear feminine enough to compete against all the girls on the show? My prediction: it’s going to be a close shave.

If the public responds well to Isis, the modeling industry will have won on two counts: they can make men uncomfortable for looking at a former dude, while they still make women feel bad about their own bodies.

For all the talk about progress and tolerance, this just goes to show that there isn’t any field where a woman can’t have her job stolen by a man.

Next season, Tyra Banks plans to continue her quest to find any model in the world whose balls are as big as Janice Dickenson’s.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Bigfoot found? Not Yeti.

Two Atlanta hikers claiming to have captured a half-man, half-ape creature turned over their frozen find to be thawed. Now, the alleged Bigfoot body has been debunked as a rubber gorilla suit. Weekly World News immediately launched a hard-journalistic investigation to prove the rubber suit is a real Sasquatch.

One of the hikers is a police officer and is being fired over the hoax, his boss saying it is an integrity issue. Let’s see… record of public service, 15 minutes of fame, questionable ethics… sounds like someone’s moving into politics.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Where's the Beef?

In Ohio, a Burger King employee posted video online of himself taking a bath in a restaurant kitchen sink. Burger King fired the man. The employee alleges he was just trying to clean the Sesame seeds off his buns.

Management began to wonder about the employee following a drive-though incident where he said to a customer, “I’ll hold the lettuce if you hold the pickle.”

If you’ve seen the video, you’ll agree: Even though this was Burger King, this guy was a lot more fried than flame-broiled.

Unfortunately for him, being naked at work earned him a new nick-name: Whopper… Junior.

Finally, Burger King has a company man more deviant and embarrassing than McDonald’s own Hamburglar.

Affairs of State

John Edwards admitted to having an extramarital affair, and talked candidly about it in an interview. Now we really know what he meant by his saying that there are two Americas: one for his wife, one for his mistress.

The woman with whom he had the affair was his videographer, which gives a whole new meaning to being ready for your close-up.

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

“Hustle in Flo”

John “Junior” Gotti, son of the late organized crime boss John Gotti, has been indicted on conspiracy charges related to cocaine trafficking and three murders. Gotti has prior racketeering convictions for bribery, extortion, fraud, and gambling, but this pushes him up from the level of “gangster” to that of “gangsta.” Congratulations, Junior.

When he was released from prison in 2005, Gotti had said he had retired from his life of crime. This week’s cocaine and murder indictments illustrate just how important it is for retirees to keep active.

The indictment in Florida follows failed trials in New York in 2006 and 2007 that ended in mistrial or hung jury. The FBI had a hunch they could get Gotti in Florida based on his own claim that he retired.

“Bow-wow… Wow!”

A South Korean company claiming to be the world’s first successful commercial dog-cloning service has its first client. A California woman paid $50,000 for 5 puppy clones from her deceased pit bull, Booger. The happy customer is beside herself, and so are her puppies.

The oman is even naming the pups after the Korean scientists. Still, it will be hard to tell them apart, because they all look alike. The clones; not Koreans.

After an American-based cloning company shut down, the customer had turned to Seoul National University, who owns the patent on dog-cloning. The American company had never cloned a canine, anyway, but had produced cloned felines. Patent attorneys have accused them of being Copy Cats.

A commercial breakthrough more than a scientific one, since the first successful dog cloning took place in 2005, some Koreans have been heard to say that the easy availability of cloned dogs sounds delicious.

Friday, August 1, 2008

Coiled and Spoiled

Yesterday, 12 live, venomous snakes and 5 non-venomous ones were found in and removed from a Fairfax, VA hotel room. Police later arrested the room’s occupant. Hotel management had first become suspicious when, upon check-in, the guest requested that the room’s beds be replaced with a giant rock under a heat lamp.

Most relieved is hotel Room Service, who were tired of getting calls requesting live mice.

The snakes went unnoticed at first, because they just stayed in their room. Who knows how long they might have stayed there if that guy from India hadn’t started playing that flute.

The real-life event has already been adapted into a terrible screenplay and sent to Samuel L. Jackson.