Preorders for her pending book have already made Sarah Palin a bestselling author, weeks before the book’s scheduled November 17 release. As soon as the book arrives, Palin’s diehard fans will begin reading it, but then quit halfway through.
On Tuesday, Toyota issued a recall of 3.8 million cars driver side floor mats, which had caused the accelerator pedal to get stuck down, causing multiple crashes. It’s a shame, because just as the auto industry was turning around, they literally had the rug pulled from under them.
President Obama is in Denmark campaigning for Chicago to host the 2016 Olympics. His strongest argument: Chicago could certainly use the exercise.
Cirque du Soleil founder Guy Laliberte lifted off toward the International Space Station today, wearing a clown nose to make an important statement: Anyone following a clown into space should know that they have really, really big shoes to fill.
Showing posts with label Today. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Today. Show all posts
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Friday, September 26, 2008
Don’t Bank On It
So far, Congressional talks to fund President Bush’s proposed bank industry bailout have failed. In summary, half of Congress bailed and the other half are out.
John McCain has said that he will debate with Barak Obama tonight. All week, the two sides have been publicly arguing back and forth about the proposed bank bail-out, the economy, and the priorities of this country. Isn’t that called… a debate?
In the biggest bank failure in U.S. history, Washington Mutual was seized and its assets sold to JP Morgan Chase & Co. last night. To reflect its new relationship with customers, Washington Mutual is changing its name to Mutual Disdain.
John McCain has said that he will debate with Barak Obama tonight. All week, the two sides have been publicly arguing back and forth about the proposed bank bail-out, the economy, and the priorities of this country. Isn’t that called… a debate?
In the biggest bank failure in U.S. history, Washington Mutual was seized and its assets sold to JP Morgan Chase & Co. last night. To reflect its new relationship with customers, Washington Mutual is changing its name to Mutual Disdain.
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
“Hustle in Flo”
John “Junior” Gotti, son of the late organized crime boss John Gotti, has been indicted on conspiracy charges related to cocaine trafficking and three murders. Gotti has prior racketeering convictions for bribery, extortion, fraud, and gambling, but this pushes him up from the level of “gangster” to that of “gangsta.” Congratulations, Junior.
When he was released from prison in 2005, Gotti had said he had retired from his life of crime. This week’s cocaine and murder indictments illustrate just how important it is for retirees to keep active.
The indictment in Florida follows failed trials in New York in 2006 and 2007 that ended in mistrial or hung jury. The FBI had a hunch they could get Gotti in Florida based on his own claim that he retired.
When he was released from prison in 2005, Gotti had said he had retired from his life of crime. This week’s cocaine and murder indictments illustrate just how important it is for retirees to keep active.
The indictment in Florida follows failed trials in New York in 2006 and 2007 that ended in mistrial or hung jury. The FBI had a hunch they could get Gotti in Florida based on his own claim that he retired.
Friday, November 2, 2007
The World Cancer Research Fund’s large-group, 5-year study has provided more evidence that fat is a big factor in the development of cancer. Oh, great. Do you realize how hard it’s gonna be, if anorexic person gets cancer now, to convince her she’s not fat?
The study points to the salt and nitrates in processed and smoked meats in particular, which have been linked to carcinogens. The processed meat industry dismissed the findings as “a bunch of baloney. Delicious, healthy baloney.”
The American Institute for Cancer Research recommends eating 18 oz. or less red meat per week, avoiding processed meats, exercising 30 minutes a day, and limiting alcoholic beverages to 1 or 2 per day, at which point America as a whole said, Wait, wait; we’ll just take the cancer.
Speaking of fat, Britain has become the heaviest nation in Europe, with a rising 23% obesity rate among its population. We should have seen the warning signs, in popular literature. Turns out everyone at Hogwarts wears cloaks and robes because they can’t fit into trousers.
NASA announced that as early as Friday, astronauts may attempt a space-walk to fix the damaged solar panel, which tore Tuesday as it unfurled. The hastily planned repair is described as risky and unprecedented. NASA officials, meanwhile, are super-excited, as this is the coolest space-mission story since Apollo 13.
Rolling Stone magazine is celebrating its fortieth birthday this week with a commemorative issue and several parties. The commemorative issue was needed as they start having trouble remembering things, and the parties will include healthy snacks and bingo, and will be over by 10pm.
In a speech about health care, President Bush made a joking reference to Vice President Dick Cheney as Darth Vader. As if to show he has a sense of humor, Cheney began laughing for several seconds as Bush seemed to be strangled by an invisible hand.
The study points to the salt and nitrates in processed and smoked meats in particular, which have been linked to carcinogens. The processed meat industry dismissed the findings as “a bunch of baloney. Delicious, healthy baloney.”
The American Institute for Cancer Research recommends eating 18 oz. or less red meat per week, avoiding processed meats, exercising 30 minutes a day, and limiting alcoholic beverages to 1 or 2 per day, at which point America as a whole said, Wait, wait; we’ll just take the cancer.
Speaking of fat, Britain has become the heaviest nation in Europe, with a rising 23% obesity rate among its population. We should have seen the warning signs, in popular literature. Turns out everyone at Hogwarts wears cloaks and robes because they can’t fit into trousers.
NASA announced that as early as Friday, astronauts may attempt a space-walk to fix the damaged solar panel, which tore Tuesday as it unfurled. The hastily planned repair is described as risky and unprecedented. NASA officials, meanwhile, are super-excited, as this is the coolest space-mission story since Apollo 13.
Rolling Stone magazine is celebrating its fortieth birthday this week with a commemorative issue and several parties. The commemorative issue was needed as they start having trouble remembering things, and the parties will include healthy snacks and bingo, and will be over by 10pm.
In a speech about health care, President Bush made a joking reference to Vice President Dick Cheney as Darth Vader. As if to show he has a sense of humor, Cheney began laughing for several seconds as Bush seemed to be strangled by an invisible hand.
Monday, October 29, 2007
The Supreme Court is considering an appeal of the $2.5 billion punitive damages award against Exxon Mobil over the 1989 Exxon Valdez spill of 11 million gallons of crude oil. Exxon’s lawyers are really clever. They say, since global warming had raised ocean water levels, the oil to water ratio is far less.
The lawyers went on to say that Exxon Mobil should actually be rewarded for preserving the environment by preventing wildlife from completely overrunning the area.
Following President Bush’s recent healthcare bill veto, Congressional Democrats are strategizing a compromise bill with Republicans to get the two-thirds majority needed to override it. The new bill would grant healthcare to all poor children as long as they invest in blue-chip stocks and carry a hand-gun.
A pastor in Lexington, KY is having all members of his congregation send letters of support to Britney Spears. “As a church, let's love Britney the way Jesus loves her." That’s a nice idea, but isn’t it possible that some church members want to love Britney in a different way?
The plan lost it's steam a bit, however, when Britney took off after hitting and damaging a parked car that tuned out to belong to Jesus.
"No preaching. No criticizing. Just love,” the pastor said in his sermon. So the obvious things not to mention are her divorce, parenting, alcohol, drug abuse, court orders, driver’s license, hit-and-run, her dancing, her singing, or hair extensions.
We all know Britney has had her share of troubles lately. Imagine having two little ones that are getting bigger and bigger every day, but you can’t even see them. But enough about her lips.
The lawyers went on to say that Exxon Mobil should actually be rewarded for preserving the environment by preventing wildlife from completely overrunning the area.
Following President Bush’s recent healthcare bill veto, Congressional Democrats are strategizing a compromise bill with Republicans to get the two-thirds majority needed to override it. The new bill would grant healthcare to all poor children as long as they invest in blue-chip stocks and carry a hand-gun.
A pastor in Lexington, KY is having all members of his congregation send letters of support to Britney Spears. “As a church, let's love Britney the way Jesus loves her." That’s a nice idea, but isn’t it possible that some church members want to love Britney in a different way?
The plan lost it's steam a bit, however, when Britney took off after hitting and damaging a parked car that tuned out to belong to Jesus.
"No preaching. No criticizing. Just love,” the pastor said in his sermon. So the obvious things not to mention are her divorce, parenting, alcohol, drug abuse, court orders, driver’s license, hit-and-run, her dancing, her singing, or hair extensions.
We all know Britney has had her share of troubles lately. Imagine having two little ones that are getting bigger and bigger every day, but you can’t even see them. But enough about her lips.
Monday, October 15, 2007
In an effort to change her party-girl image, Paris Hilton is headed for Rwanda. She’ll definitely be taken a lot more seriously after she sleeps with a bunch of Rwandan guys.
She will be there on a charity mission for five whole days, visiting schools and health care clinics. The pattern is; meet and greet with kids, get an STD treatment, kids, STD treatment…
The entire trip will be filmed, because if there is one thing that Rwanda can do for the world, it’s focus some attention on Paris Hilton.
Paris had a comment on her storied dating life as well, saying, “I’ve been linked to so many guys, but there’s nothing romantic going on at all.” Relationship experts agree: there’s nothing romantic about drunk, stranger-sex on a men’s room floor at The Palms.
Two of O.J. Simpson’s co-defendants from last month’s hotel room armed robbery case have made deals with prosecutors to testify against Simpson in his trial. The two men may or may not help the D.A.’s case, but one thing is certain. O.J. will kill them.
The World War II veteran that recovered Hitler’s globe from his Bavarian home in 1945 is putting it up for auction, where it is expected to fetch $15-20,000. It would be worth even more, but Hitler’s Axis fell apart over 60 years ago.
The bad news is: that the globe could be in better condition. The good news is: Hitler’s dead.
Britney Spears is said to have had less involvement on her newest album than on previous discs. Well, they say this is true of all musicians: their songs really are like their children to them.
She will be there on a charity mission for five whole days, visiting schools and health care clinics. The pattern is; meet and greet with kids, get an STD treatment, kids, STD treatment…
The entire trip will be filmed, because if there is one thing that Rwanda can do for the world, it’s focus some attention on Paris Hilton.
Paris had a comment on her storied dating life as well, saying, “I’ve been linked to so many guys, but there’s nothing romantic going on at all.” Relationship experts agree: there’s nothing romantic about drunk, stranger-sex on a men’s room floor at The Palms.
Two of O.J. Simpson’s co-defendants from last month’s hotel room armed robbery case have made deals with prosecutors to testify against Simpson in his trial. The two men may or may not help the D.A.’s case, but one thing is certain. O.J. will kill them.
The World War II veteran that recovered Hitler’s globe from his Bavarian home in 1945 is putting it up for auction, where it is expected to fetch $15-20,000. It would be worth even more, but Hitler’s Axis fell apart over 60 years ago.
The bad news is: that the globe could be in better condition. The good news is: Hitler’s dead.
Britney Spears is said to have had less involvement on her newest album than on previous discs. Well, they say this is true of all musicians: their songs really are like their children to them.
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
The Center for Environmental Health reported today that they have given legal notices to major retailers who have been selling products found to have high levels of lead. The stores included Wal-Mart, Target, K-Mart, Sears, Costco, and not surprisingly, All Things Lead.
The fact that lead is so prevalent despite government regulations is bad news for reatilaer and consumers. Good news for alchemists, though.
Lead has been found to be dangerous in toys if swallowed or sucked on by young children, and even more so in bullets if you are shot with one.
Congress has introduced new legislation to impose tighter restrictions on lead use, mostly intended to foil the plans of any criminal mastermind trying to conceal things from Superman’s X-Ray vision.
Good work, Congress.
Wonton Food, the largest fortune cookie maker in the U.S., has added some cautious messages to their rotation of fortunes, such as “Today is a disastrous day…” and, “It’s over your head now. …Get some professional help.” Still, it isn’t as bad the classic cookie message, “Eat me.”
So far there have not been many complaints from customers, except for one who admitted being surprised to open a cookie to a handwritten message that said, “I peed in your rice.”
The one thing Chinese restaurant patrons have found annoying is when they open a fortune cookie, and before they can read their fortune, they are solicited to refinance their mortgage.
David Hasselhoff has been hospitalized for detox. He was rushed to L.A.’s Cedars-Sinai Medical Center, but appeared on camera to be moving in slow motion.
It should be noted that Hasselhoff, a worldwide celebrity as a movie, TV, and recording star, has battled with alcoholism since long before Britney and Lindsey made it so trendy.
Congratulations to Jennifer Lopez, who is pregnant. In fact, she is expecting twins. And this time, that doesn’t refer to her ass.
Britney Spears new album, Blackout, is being released two weeks early, due to songs already spilling out on to the Internet. This is not without precedent. Audiences will of course remember Britney herself recently spilling out of her outfit on the VMA’s.
Her label, Jive Records, of course, condemns any illegal downloading or distribution of songs. They say that the only illegal activities they can condone are parked car hit-and runs, driving without a license, controlled substance abuse, and child endangerment.
Britney’s first single from the album, “Gimme More,” is already up to number 3 on Billboard.. But Britney is looking more and more like number two.
Blackout, the title of the album, is a reference to Britney’s favorite drinking hobby.
Starbucks has recalled 250,000 plastic cups for children, due to concerns that they could break and pose a choking hazard. Parents who purchased the $6 cups can either get a refund or use the money as a down payment on a Starbucks drink.
The fact that lead is so prevalent despite government regulations is bad news for reatilaer and consumers. Good news for alchemists, though.
Lead has been found to be dangerous in toys if swallowed or sucked on by young children, and even more so in bullets if you are shot with one.
Congress has introduced new legislation to impose tighter restrictions on lead use, mostly intended to foil the plans of any criminal mastermind trying to conceal things from Superman’s X-Ray vision.
Good work, Congress.
Wonton Food, the largest fortune cookie maker in the U.S., has added some cautious messages to their rotation of fortunes, such as “Today is a disastrous day…” and, “It’s over your head now. …Get some professional help.” Still, it isn’t as bad the classic cookie message, “Eat me.”
So far there have not been many complaints from customers, except for one who admitted being surprised to open a cookie to a handwritten message that said, “I peed in your rice.”
The one thing Chinese restaurant patrons have found annoying is when they open a fortune cookie, and before they can read their fortune, they are solicited to refinance their mortgage.
David Hasselhoff has been hospitalized for detox. He was rushed to L.A.’s Cedars-Sinai Medical Center, but appeared on camera to be moving in slow motion.
It should be noted that Hasselhoff, a worldwide celebrity as a movie, TV, and recording star, has battled with alcoholism since long before Britney and Lindsey made it so trendy.
Congratulations to Jennifer Lopez, who is pregnant. In fact, she is expecting twins. And this time, that doesn’t refer to her ass.
Britney Spears new album, Blackout, is being released two weeks early, due to songs already spilling out on to the Internet. This is not without precedent. Audiences will of course remember Britney herself recently spilling out of her outfit on the VMA’s.
Her label, Jive Records, of course, condemns any illegal downloading or distribution of songs. They say that the only illegal activities they can condone are parked car hit-and runs, driving without a license, controlled substance abuse, and child endangerment.
Britney’s first single from the album, “Gimme More,” is already up to number 3 on Billboard.. But Britney is looking more and more like number two.
Blackout, the title of the album, is a reference to Britney’s favorite drinking hobby.
Starbucks has recalled 250,000 plastic cups for children, due to concerns that they could break and pose a choking hazard. Parents who purchased the $6 cups can either get a refund or use the money as a down payment on a Starbucks drink.
Friday, September 21, 2007
Toy maker Mattel issued an apology today to China, for damaging its reputation amid recent toy recalls. Unfortunately, the apology was coated with lead-based paint.
Mattel’s executives discussed the necessity to gather together with Chinese government officials in a memo, which quoted the old adage: Some assembly required.
China felt pretty beaten up by the media over the recalls, but they did not complain about that to Mattel. Among the tot-related topics they discussed, battery was not included.
Mattel’s executives discussed the necessity to gather together with Chinese government officials in a memo, which quoted the old adage: Some assembly required.
China felt pretty beaten up by the media over the recalls, but they did not complain about that to Mattel. Among the tot-related topics they discussed, battery was not included.
Thursday, September 20, 2007
Professional golf has announced an anti-doping policy, banning steroids and other performance enhancing drugs. Also, no more rocket fuel in the golf carts.
Sure, everyone knows steroids have been a huge problem in golf for years. The worst of it came in the 1982 PGA Tour, when Jack Nicklaus shot a hole in one without using club and then went on a killing spree.
Then there was the U.S. Open, 4 years ago, when Tiger Woods turned his 3 iron into a 9 with his bare hands and then chewed the head of his driver into a putter.
In actuality, there has been evidence of golfers taking performance enhancing drugs. But then again, they may just be cleverly hiding it behind their knickers and white gloves.
The World Golf Foundation, worried that golf may be less exciting without steroid-pumped athletes, has made another rule change that all caddies will be required to be drunk to keep things interesting.
Sure, everyone knows steroids have been a huge problem in golf for years. The worst of it came in the 1982 PGA Tour, when Jack Nicklaus shot a hole in one without using club and then went on a killing spree.
Then there was the U.S. Open, 4 years ago, when Tiger Woods turned his 3 iron into a 9 with his bare hands and then chewed the head of his driver into a putter.
In actuality, there has been evidence of golfers taking performance enhancing drugs. But then again, they may just be cleverly hiding it behind their knickers and white gloves.
The World Golf Foundation, worried that golf may be less exciting without steroid-pumped athletes, has made another rule change that all caddies will be required to be drunk to keep things interesting.
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
In her ongoing child custody battle, Britney Spears now has been given a court order for drug testing. Sadly, she won’t be testing a drug that promotes hair re-growth.
Both Britney and ex-husband Kevin Federline are required to complete a “Parenting without Conflict” class, and were ordered to keep off drugs. In the interest of justice, they were also ordered to keep off MTV.
Britney was also ordered by the judge to refrain from drinking alcohol. Not for child custody; just to help her get rid of her beer belly.
Biologists have solved the mystery of where sea-turtle hatchlings disappear to for up to 5 years before returning close to home to live out their lives. It turns out they swim out to the open water of the ocean. The research was conducted by the Center for Obvious Studies.
These are turtles, right? The famously slow-moving animals? This was a mystery for 50 years. No one could try to follow them? You wouldn’t even need to be a fast swimmer. All you need is an air tank and some weights to keep from outrunning them.
And gee… the ocean. What a surprise. No one ever thought that sea turtles might have swum out to sea? Where did they think they were going, Vegas?
The real surprise of the discovery is that the juvenile sea-turtles, who were previously thought to be lifelong vegetarians, live on an all meat diet. Well, sure. When you’re young you don’t think about fat intake, cholesterol, etc.
As mature adults, sea-turtles eat sea grasses. Of course. By then, they realize they need more fiber.
The change starts right about the time they start telling their kids that their music is too loud.
So the kids swim off to the ocean.
The Juice is loose!
O.J. Simpson was released from jail today, on $125,000 bail. I think the judge set the amount too high. If you’re going to put O.J. back on the streets, you don’t want him mad!
His girlfriend was in court when O.J. faced the judge. The pretty young blond didn’t say anything, but you can’t blame her for not wanting to stick her neck out.
Regarding the armed robbery incident in Las Vegas over his sports memorabilia, Simpson is facing 10 felony charges, which may be a new NFL and personal record! Congratulations, O.J.!
All kidding aside, O.J., don’t kill me.
Both Britney and ex-husband Kevin Federline are required to complete a “Parenting without Conflict” class, and were ordered to keep off drugs. In the interest of justice, they were also ordered to keep off MTV.
Britney was also ordered by the judge to refrain from drinking alcohol. Not for child custody; just to help her get rid of her beer belly.
Biologists have solved the mystery of where sea-turtle hatchlings disappear to for up to 5 years before returning close to home to live out their lives. It turns out they swim out to the open water of the ocean. The research was conducted by the Center for Obvious Studies.
These are turtles, right? The famously slow-moving animals? This was a mystery for 50 years. No one could try to follow them? You wouldn’t even need to be a fast swimmer. All you need is an air tank and some weights to keep from outrunning them.
And gee… the ocean. What a surprise. No one ever thought that sea turtles might have swum out to sea? Where did they think they were going, Vegas?
The real surprise of the discovery is that the juvenile sea-turtles, who were previously thought to be lifelong vegetarians, live on an all meat diet. Well, sure. When you’re young you don’t think about fat intake, cholesterol, etc.
As mature adults, sea-turtles eat sea grasses. Of course. By then, they realize they need more fiber.
The change starts right about the time they start telling their kids that their music is too loud.
So the kids swim off to the ocean.
The Juice is loose!
O.J. Simpson was released from jail today, on $125,000 bail. I think the judge set the amount too high. If you’re going to put O.J. back on the streets, you don’t want him mad!
His girlfriend was in court when O.J. faced the judge. The pretty young blond didn’t say anything, but you can’t blame her for not wanting to stick her neck out.
Regarding the armed robbery incident in Las Vegas over his sports memorabilia, Simpson is facing 10 felony charges, which may be a new NFL and personal record! Congratulations, O.J.!
All kidding aside, O.J., don’t kill me.
Wednesday, September 5, 2007
Former senator and actor Fred Thompson has officially announced his run for the presidency. Initial polling showed that if the election were held today, more people would vote for Thompson than any other cast member from Law & Order SVU, except Ice-T.
China’s new health minister said in his first news conference today that everyone can have confidence that products made in his country are safe. It being his first news conference, maybe he didn’t realize his comments were likely to be repeated.
In China, most citizens agree with this opinion—because that’s the law.
With so much negative attention on China’s exports, it’s good to know that they are soon to start welcoming some new imports pertaining to safety: common sense and sound judgment.
The Health Minister said Americans were just hypersensitive to safety concerns, and compared that over-sensitivity to an allergic reaction. Well, our health professionals have another name for that allergy: lead poisoning.
He said, "I want to tell everyone that they can have confidence in the quality of Chinese products and food safety." He then ended the news conference by pulling his hood back up over his skeletal head, picking up his scythe, and floating away.
China’s new health minister said in his first news conference today that everyone can have confidence that products made in his country are safe. It being his first news conference, maybe he didn’t realize his comments were likely to be repeated.
In China, most citizens agree with this opinion—because that’s the law.
With so much negative attention on China’s exports, it’s good to know that they are soon to start welcoming some new imports pertaining to safety: common sense and sound judgment.
The Health Minister said Americans were just hypersensitive to safety concerns, and compared that over-sensitivity to an allergic reaction. Well, our health professionals have another name for that allergy: lead poisoning.
He said, "I want to tell everyone that they can have confidence in the quality of Chinese products and food safety." He then ended the news conference by pulling his hood back up over his skeletal head, picking up his scythe, and floating away.
Tuesday, September 4, 2007
From Today's news: Tuesday, Sept. 4, 2007
Jerry Lewis issued an apology today, for letting slip an anti-gay epithet during his annual MDA Telethon. He said in his apology that he made a bad choice of words, and he’s never known a gay man who wasn’t a ni-iice la-a-dy.
The telethon raised a record $63 million to fight muscular dystrophy and help Jerry’s Kids. Or, as he calls them, Jerry’s Straight Kids.
I think we have to forgive Jerry Lewis. Remember, he’s cherished and admired in France. What could be more gay than that?
Spiderman star Tobey Maguire married his long-time girlfriend yesterday. I guess Spidey’s swinging days are over.
If you want to know how wild their honeymoon is going, I hear they are all over the web.
Mattel has announced more recalls of toys produced in China. Collectors are ecstatic. The harder these toys are to get, the more valuable they will be.
The new batch of recalled toys includes lead-tainted Barbie Accessories. Items containing lead, if sucked on or swallowed, can cause serious damage. Barbie can tell you. It’s why Ken has no genitals.
This is another costly blow to Mattel. It’s getting pretty bad. In fact, today Barbie sold her Malibu mansion and is now living in her purple Mustang GT convertible.
The telethon raised a record $63 million to fight muscular dystrophy and help Jerry’s Kids. Or, as he calls them, Jerry’s Straight Kids.
I think we have to forgive Jerry Lewis. Remember, he’s cherished and admired in France. What could be more gay than that?
Spiderman star Tobey Maguire married his long-time girlfriend yesterday. I guess Spidey’s swinging days are over.
If you want to know how wild their honeymoon is going, I hear they are all over the web.
Mattel has announced more recalls of toys produced in China. Collectors are ecstatic. The harder these toys are to get, the more valuable they will be.
The new batch of recalled toys includes lead-tainted Barbie Accessories. Items containing lead, if sucked on or swallowed, can cause serious damage. Barbie can tell you. It’s why Ken has no genitals.
This is another costly blow to Mattel. It’s getting pretty bad. In fact, today Barbie sold her Malibu mansion and is now living in her purple Mustang GT convertible.
Monday, September 3, 2007
From Today's news: Monday, Sept. 3, 2007
Harvard doctors are testing new treatments for bipolar disorder. Some scientists are optimistic that new treatments will be more effective than anything prior. Others, however, felt doomed to conduct anonymous research for the rest of their sad, pathetic lives.
The National Institute of Mental Health are treating manic-depressive patients with a patch using the same drug commonly used for sea or airsickness. It helped the depressed patients, but the manic ones just got in their boats and planes and sailed or flew away.
Several beaches along the New Jersey shore had to be closed in the middle of the busy holiday weekend because of hazardous medical waste washing up on shore. Even sadder than the ruined vacations for beach visitors: many of these people have to live in New Jersey.
The waste and trash found on beaches included syringes, gauze, and tampon applicators. No one knows the source of the waste, according to the only witness, a heroin-addicted, Egyptian mummy on her period.
It’s a shame when people’s day at the beach is ruined by anything so gross and disturbing. In a related story, hundreds were seen screaming and running away from an old, fat guy in a Speedo.
The winner of Friday’s Mega Millions estimated $330 million jackpot says that upon buying his 2 tickets, he made a vow that he would teach his wiccan beliefs to others if he won. But only one ticket won, so since the other didn’t, deal’s off!
Actually God, Himself knew that at odds of 176 million to 1, this guy really had a chance in hell.
My question is, why should he settle for wicca? Now that he’s rich, he could buy his way up pretty high in scientology.
NASA conducted an internal investigation in response to an external report that 2 astronauts showed up for space flights while intoxicated. The investigation found the report to be false, and NASA considers the matter closed. Good thing they never gave a breathalyzer to those chimps.
The National Institute of Mental Health are treating manic-depressive patients with a patch using the same drug commonly used for sea or airsickness. It helped the depressed patients, but the manic ones just got in their boats and planes and sailed or flew away.
Several beaches along the New Jersey shore had to be closed in the middle of the busy holiday weekend because of hazardous medical waste washing up on shore. Even sadder than the ruined vacations for beach visitors: many of these people have to live in New Jersey.
The waste and trash found on beaches included syringes, gauze, and tampon applicators. No one knows the source of the waste, according to the only witness, a heroin-addicted, Egyptian mummy on her period.
It’s a shame when people’s day at the beach is ruined by anything so gross and disturbing. In a related story, hundreds were seen screaming and running away from an old, fat guy in a Speedo.
The winner of Friday’s Mega Millions estimated $330 million jackpot says that upon buying his 2 tickets, he made a vow that he would teach his wiccan beliefs to others if he won. But only one ticket won, so since the other didn’t, deal’s off!
Actually God, Himself knew that at odds of 176 million to 1, this guy really had a chance in hell.
My question is, why should he settle for wicca? Now that he’s rich, he could buy his way up pretty high in scientology.
NASA conducted an internal investigation in response to an external report that 2 astronauts showed up for space flights while intoxicated. The investigation found the report to be false, and NASA considers the matter closed. Good thing they never gave a breathalyzer to those chimps.
Thursday, August 30, 2007
Astronomers have discovered a big hole in the universe, and have no explanation so far for how or why it came to be there. Then they remembered that one day the universe got snagged on the corner of that file cabinet, and the hole probably just grew from there.
The massive void is 1 billion light years across, containing no stars, black holes, not even dark matter. Just nothing. For the sake of measuring the nothingness, scholars are comparing it to our Iraq War exit strategy.
The scientific community, awed by the sheer lack of substance of the hole, plan to use this phenomenon to learn more about the inside of Paris Hilton’s head.
Two towns in Louisiana have passed a ban on wearing pants that sag to show a persons underwear or bare skin. At last we will see an end to the crime wave caused by refrigerator repairmen.
Violation of the law could result in a fine and community service. Further, any adult male wearing tighty whities will be shot on sight.
The law does send a powerful message to today’s youth. Just say no to crack.
Opposition says they will fight the new law and not give up. At least for now, there is no end in sight.
Critics fear the first case brought to court, where the prosecutor tells jurors that they have to check out Exhibit A.
Of course, special permits will be issued to superheroes who wear their underwear on the outside.
The massive void is 1 billion light years across, containing no stars, black holes, not even dark matter. Just nothing. For the sake of measuring the nothingness, scholars are comparing it to our Iraq War exit strategy.
The scientific community, awed by the sheer lack of substance of the hole, plan to use this phenomenon to learn more about the inside of Paris Hilton’s head.
Two towns in Louisiana have passed a ban on wearing pants that sag to show a persons underwear or bare skin. At last we will see an end to the crime wave caused by refrigerator repairmen.
Violation of the law could result in a fine and community service. Further, any adult male wearing tighty whities will be shot on sight.
The law does send a powerful message to today’s youth. Just say no to crack.
Opposition says they will fight the new law and not give up. At least for now, there is no end in sight.
Critics fear the first case brought to court, where the prosecutor tells jurors that they have to check out Exhibit A.
Of course, special permits will be issued to superheroes who wear their underwear on the outside.
Thursday, August 23, 2007
From Today's News: Thursday, Aug. 23, 2007
Lindsay Lohan got a 1day jail sentence as part of a plea bargain on drunk driving and cocaine charges today. One day? Paris Hilton is pissed!
Speaking of Paris, her partner in crime, so to speak, Nicole Richie served 82 minutes of her 4-day DUI sentence. In related story, Lindsay Lohan is pissed.
Eighty two minutes. I think that’s too harsh. I think Nicole should only have gotten 15 minutes and not a second more. No, wait. I’m thinking about her fame.
Of the many unfortunate circumstances surrounding the jail sentences of Paris, Nicole, and Lindsay, the worst is that real criminals don’t even get street cred for getting locked up any more.
Mel Gibson’s attorney reported to a judge today that Gibson was following the rules of his probation, brought about by his infamous drunk driving arrest and corresponding anti-Semitic tirade last July. If people like Mel are good at anything, it’s following orders and goose-stepping.
The job company Monster.com has admitted that Internet crooks were able to steal basic identity information by enticing 1.3 million Monster users to click fake web-links. Guess there’s going to be quite a few new job openings at Monster.com, eh?
Scientists have calculated that Tyrannosaurus Rex, despite its huge bulk, were still quite fast, able to run at up to 18 miles per hour, much faster than a human. I don’t know how useful that research is; until they also know how fast a T-Rex could drive.
The study used computers loaded with biomechanics information to determine the running speeds of several extinct species. The next round will clock electable middle-of-the-road politicians.
The scientists said, that as long as they are getting paid, they can also tell you who is faster: a unicorn or a Pegasus.
Speaking of Paris, her partner in crime, so to speak, Nicole Richie served 82 minutes of her 4-day DUI sentence. In related story, Lindsay Lohan is pissed.
Eighty two minutes. I think that’s too harsh. I think Nicole should only have gotten 15 minutes and not a second more. No, wait. I’m thinking about her fame.
Of the many unfortunate circumstances surrounding the jail sentences of Paris, Nicole, and Lindsay, the worst is that real criminals don’t even get street cred for getting locked up any more.
Mel Gibson’s attorney reported to a judge today that Gibson was following the rules of his probation, brought about by his infamous drunk driving arrest and corresponding anti-Semitic tirade last July. If people like Mel are good at anything, it’s following orders and goose-stepping.
The job company Monster.com has admitted that Internet crooks were able to steal basic identity information by enticing 1.3 million Monster users to click fake web-links. Guess there’s going to be quite a few new job openings at Monster.com, eh?
Scientists have calculated that Tyrannosaurus Rex, despite its huge bulk, were still quite fast, able to run at up to 18 miles per hour, much faster than a human. I don’t know how useful that research is; until they also know how fast a T-Rex could drive.
The study used computers loaded with biomechanics information to determine the running speeds of several extinct species. The next round will clock electable middle-of-the-road politicians.
The scientists said, that as long as they are getting paid, they can also tell you who is faster: a unicorn or a Pegasus.
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
Today's Oddest News: Wednesday, Aug. 22, 2007
This is the kind of news I am always proud to report. It’s almost too good to be true:
At the Edinburgh Fringe Festival, in a show called Circus of Horrors, a performer who happens to be a dwarf got his penis stuck to a vacuum cleaner in an act gone wrong. Which leaves one to wonder: what would have been the act gone right?
Wow. A vacuum stuck on a dwarf penis . That sucks-- but only a very little bit.
Adding insult to injury, I heard the vacuum cleaner was just a dust-buster.
I guess some men really do love their machines.
The dwarf was rushed to the hospital, but spectators were in the most immediate danger, as they almost died laughing.
According to eyewitnesses, it was a bagless unit. And so was the vacuum.
En route to the hospital, the dwarf was advised that everything would be best if he didn’t get excited.
Though he was embarrassed, the performer was not seriously injured. It just turns out he’s not half the man he thought he was.
He also wondered if he would be able to perform in the future. Or do his act.
The dwarf kept procrastinating to have the vacuum pulled off, until hospital staff demanded to know, “How long are we going to drag this out?”
Doctors at the hospital were eventually able to remove the vacuum cleaner, but for a while, it was a close shave.
It seems the vacuum cleaner attachment had broken, was glued back together, and then the glue stuck to the dwarf’s anatomy during his (ahem) performance. Had the glue been allowed to try, the vacuum cleaner would have worked fine, but instead, now it’s screwed.
Luckily for all involved, as dramatically as this story began, it ended with no climax.
The dwarf says that he feels the incident actually benefited him, but that might be a stretch.
For this news story, I’d like to thank the vacuum, and the dwarf who had a small part in it.
At the Edinburgh Fringe Festival, in a show called Circus of Horrors, a performer who happens to be a dwarf got his penis stuck to a vacuum cleaner in an act gone wrong. Which leaves one to wonder: what would have been the act gone right?
Wow. A vacuum stuck on a dwarf penis . That sucks-- but only a very little bit.
Adding insult to injury, I heard the vacuum cleaner was just a dust-buster.
I guess some men really do love their machines.
The dwarf was rushed to the hospital, but spectators were in the most immediate danger, as they almost died laughing.
According to eyewitnesses, it was a bagless unit. And so was the vacuum.
En route to the hospital, the dwarf was advised that everything would be best if he didn’t get excited.
Though he was embarrassed, the performer was not seriously injured. It just turns out he’s not half the man he thought he was.
He also wondered if he would be able to perform in the future. Or do his act.
The dwarf kept procrastinating to have the vacuum pulled off, until hospital staff demanded to know, “How long are we going to drag this out?”
Doctors at the hospital were eventually able to remove the vacuum cleaner, but for a while, it was a close shave.
It seems the vacuum cleaner attachment had broken, was glued back together, and then the glue stuck to the dwarf’s anatomy during his (ahem) performance. Had the glue been allowed to try, the vacuum cleaner would have worked fine, but instead, now it’s screwed.
Luckily for all involved, as dramatically as this story began, it ended with no climax.
The dwarf says that he feels the incident actually benefited him, but that might be a stretch.
For this news story, I’d like to thank the vacuum, and the dwarf who had a small part in it.
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
From Today's News: Tuesday, Aug. 21, 2007
In Oregon, two 13 year old boys were cleared of charges for swatting several same-age girls on the behind at school. Originally the boys faced felony sexual abuse charges. They were suspended from school and spent five days in juvenile detention. Meanwhile, a new law in the town defines “Spin the Bottle” as gang rape.
“Seven Minutes in Heaven” will now get you Seven-to-Ten in Maximum Security.
Also, all mistletoe is being confiscated before Christmas, before it claims any more victims.
Four of the girls asked that the charges be dropped, and a civil compromise was reached instead, where each girl received an apology and $250. The girls were then immediately arrested for prostitution.
According to a national survey, one in four Americans did not read any books last year. Most didn’t have time. These are Americans; they were too busy eating.
There was more to this story, but I decided to wait until it’s on TV to find out more.
The survey gives a breakdown of readership of popular genres. That can be difficult to measure, as some books cross over. Like Bill Clinton’s autobiography is part politics, part pornography.
Wal-Mart has recalled 2 brands of dog treats, both made in China, over customers’ complaints that the snacks made their pets sick. Wal-Mart is now conducting independent tests on the products, which means, feeding them to illegal employees to see what happens.
China has issued a statement saying that they are very embarrassed to learn that any of the products they export are sold at Wal-Mart.
On the other hand, you have to know the chicken-jerky for dogs sold at Wal-Mart to be loaded with artificial ingredients and preservatives. You think that’s going to be healthy? You’re lucky it’s even legal!
Why would you give that to a dog? Forget about nutrition. Anything with that many chemicals has to be dangerous.
In fact, a closer look at the box revealed a few warnings:
(Translated from the Chinese label)
Not intended for consumption.
Keep product away from children and adults.
Do not remove from original container.
Do not give to live animals.
Not for indoor use.
Do not expose to sunlight.
Do not handle without protective gloves and goggles.
Avoid prolonged exposure.
Side effects may include glowing in the dark.
No not shake or get product wet. – Keep away from dogs mouths.
“Seven Minutes in Heaven” will now get you Seven-to-Ten in Maximum Security.
Also, all mistletoe is being confiscated before Christmas, before it claims any more victims.
Four of the girls asked that the charges be dropped, and a civil compromise was reached instead, where each girl received an apology and $250. The girls were then immediately arrested for prostitution.
According to a national survey, one in four Americans did not read any books last year. Most didn’t have time. These are Americans; they were too busy eating.
There was more to this story, but I decided to wait until it’s on TV to find out more.
The survey gives a breakdown of readership of popular genres. That can be difficult to measure, as some books cross over. Like Bill Clinton’s autobiography is part politics, part pornography.
Wal-Mart has recalled 2 brands of dog treats, both made in China, over customers’ complaints that the snacks made their pets sick. Wal-Mart is now conducting independent tests on the products, which means, feeding them to illegal employees to see what happens.
China has issued a statement saying that they are very embarrassed to learn that any of the products they export are sold at Wal-Mart.
On the other hand, you have to know the chicken-jerky for dogs sold at Wal-Mart to be loaded with artificial ingredients and preservatives. You think that’s going to be healthy? You’re lucky it’s even legal!
Why would you give that to a dog? Forget about nutrition. Anything with that many chemicals has to be dangerous.
In fact, a closer look at the box revealed a few warnings:
(Translated from the Chinese label)
Not intended for consumption.
Keep product away from children and adults.
Do not remove from original container.
Do not give to live animals.
Not for indoor use.
Do not expose to sunlight.
Do not handle without protective gloves and goggles.
Avoid prolonged exposure.
Side effects may include glowing in the dark.
No not shake or get product wet. – Keep away from dogs mouths.
Monday, August 20, 2007
From Today's News: Monday, Aug. 20, 2007
A China Airways jumbo jet burst into flames after landing and coming to a stop at the airport in Okinawa, Japan--luckily, everyone aboard evacuated and are fine. The fire’s cause is unknown, but the first suspicion was that before landing, somebody didn’t put his or her chair back in the full, upright position.
Even thoough all 165 people aboard got out safely, one flight attendant was left to wonder if she left the coffee pot on.
Most of the passengers slid down emergency chutes and ran away from the plane. But first class passengers took specially made escalators to their waiting limousines.
Many passengers feared that their luggage was destroyed, but it wasn’t. Not surprisingly, their bags were on a plane to Newark.
A salt-cured ham from Spain costing about $2100 per leg is being called the world’s most expensive pork. Apparently, nobody bothered to check Heidi Fleiss’s old ledgers.
Luciano Pavoratti, who was hospitalized earlier this month with a high fever, will remain in hospital care for several more days, for more tests. As for the bank note secured to pay for his medical bills, the facility assured Pavoratti that he could hold the note.
About 11 extras fell off of a slow-moving truck on the set of Tom Cruise’s next movie, a World War II thriller filming in Germany. All the other extras were fine, because they agreed to go to the Scientology meeting, like Tom asked them to.
Even thoough all 165 people aboard got out safely, one flight attendant was left to wonder if she left the coffee pot on.
Most of the passengers slid down emergency chutes and ran away from the plane. But first class passengers took specially made escalators to their waiting limousines.
Many passengers feared that their luggage was destroyed, but it wasn’t. Not surprisingly, their bags were on a plane to Newark.
A salt-cured ham from Spain costing about $2100 per leg is being called the world’s most expensive pork. Apparently, nobody bothered to check Heidi Fleiss’s old ledgers.
Luciano Pavoratti, who was hospitalized earlier this month with a high fever, will remain in hospital care for several more days, for more tests. As for the bank note secured to pay for his medical bills, the facility assured Pavoratti that he could hold the note.
About 11 extras fell off of a slow-moving truck on the set of Tom Cruise’s next movie, a World War II thriller filming in Germany. All the other extras were fine, because they agreed to go to the Scientology meeting, like Tom asked them to.
Thursday, August 16, 2007
From Today's News: Thursday, Aug.16, 2007
Jenna Bush, daughter of the president, has gotten engaged. The White House released a 3-sentence announcement to that effect today. That doesn’t seem right. Marriage isn’t a 3-sentence thing. It’s more of a life sentence.
So young Jenna is engaged. That’s one more Bush off the market.
Word spread quickly that the president and First Lady are very happy for the betrothed. In fact, the president can’t wait for the wedding, because confetti is bad for the environment.
Her fiancé is Henry Hager, whose family has ties to the Bushes and other high ranking Republicans. So the engagement is a bit of a surprise to some. I mean, why buy the cow when you can get the government contracts for free?
Rumor has it that Jenna has been wanting to get married since November 2004, but Henry kept chanting, “Four more years! Four more years.”
Regarding the space shuttle Endeavour, the good news is that based on careful testing by the crew, the gouge torn into the heat shield of the shuttle will not need to be repaired until it returns to Earth. The bad news is, we still have to pay for the service call, anyway.
Paris Hilton debuted her new clothing line of jeans, t-shirts, and shoes at a trendy L.A. boutique today, with a throng of fans on site. So if you ever wanted to get into Paris’ jeans, now – oh, who hasn’t?
Paris doesn’t seem that confident about how the jeans will sell. Sources already say, depending on her cash flow, she probably would be willing to drop her pants.
A couple in China wants to name their new baby “@,” as in, the sign used in email addresses. Apparently, the sound, “at” approximates a Mandarin word, meaning “love him.” So, if they love him, why not give him a real name?
The proud parents hope the Chinese government allows the name, and can’t wait to introduce the baby to big brothers “&” (ampersand) and “…” (ellipse).
This story may be made fun of on TV and radio, but not in the newspaper comics, where, as we all know, the “@” sign is a hideous curse word that dare not be uttered.
So young Jenna is engaged. That’s one more Bush off the market.
Word spread quickly that the president and First Lady are very happy for the betrothed. In fact, the president can’t wait for the wedding, because confetti is bad for the environment.
Her fiancé is Henry Hager, whose family has ties to the Bushes and other high ranking Republicans. So the engagement is a bit of a surprise to some. I mean, why buy the cow when you can get the government contracts for free?
Rumor has it that Jenna has been wanting to get married since November 2004, but Henry kept chanting, “Four more years! Four more years.”
Regarding the space shuttle Endeavour, the good news is that based on careful testing by the crew, the gouge torn into the heat shield of the shuttle will not need to be repaired until it returns to Earth. The bad news is, we still have to pay for the service call, anyway.
Paris Hilton debuted her new clothing line of jeans, t-shirts, and shoes at a trendy L.A. boutique today, with a throng of fans on site. So if you ever wanted to get into Paris’ jeans, now – oh, who hasn’t?
Paris doesn’t seem that confident about how the jeans will sell. Sources already say, depending on her cash flow, she probably would be willing to drop her pants.
A couple in China wants to name their new baby “@,” as in, the sign used in email addresses. Apparently, the sound, “at” approximates a Mandarin word, meaning “love him.” So, if they love him, why not give him a real name?
The proud parents hope the Chinese government allows the name, and can’t wait to introduce the baby to big brothers “&” (ampersand) and “…” (ellipse).
This story may be made fun of on TV and radio, but not in the newspaper comics, where, as we all know, the “@” sign is a hideous curse word that dare not be uttered.
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
From Today's Entertainment News: Tuesday, Aug. 14, 2007
A court may make Britney Spears and Kevin Federline’s divorce and child custody records open to the public and the media. Sadly, these may be the only records of Britney’s the public wants anymore.
Why can’t Brit just leave the tabloid life behind? She could go back to singing, and Federline could go back to… well, I’m sure he could find something to do.
Don Imus and CBS have reached a settlement regarding his contract. The details have not been disclosed, except that neither can disparage each other as part of the agreement. But at least, now Imus can get back to his nappy-headed business.
The Today Show on NBC will start adding another hour to its already 3-hour-daily broadcast, starting next month. At this rate, it will soon become The All-Day Show.
NB's strategy makes sence. They have to do something until Heroes comes back on the air.
Courtney Love will appear on the upcoming cover of Harper’s Bazaar, having recently lost 45 lbs. She talks about dieting and getting her life back together. Because advising others to take heroin and speed don’t sell magazines like they used to.
Courtney has appeared in a lot of magazines under a similar banner, but usually, it’s spelled “Bizarre.”
This is the first time, however, that Courtney Love has been associated with the word Bazaar without it being a description of her clothes, makeup, and behavior.
Why can’t Brit just leave the tabloid life behind? She could go back to singing, and Federline could go back to… well, I’m sure he could find something to do.
Don Imus and CBS have reached a settlement regarding his contract. The details have not been disclosed, except that neither can disparage each other as part of the agreement. But at least, now Imus can get back to his nappy-headed business.
The Today Show on NBC will start adding another hour to its already 3-hour-daily broadcast, starting next month. At this rate, it will soon become The All-Day Show.
NB's strategy makes sence. They have to do something until Heroes comes back on the air.
Courtney Love will appear on the upcoming cover of Harper’s Bazaar, having recently lost 45 lbs. She talks about dieting and getting her life back together. Because advising others to take heroin and speed don’t sell magazines like they used to.
Courtney has appeared in a lot of magazines under a similar banner, but usually, it’s spelled “Bizarre.”
This is the first time, however, that Courtney Love has been associated with the word Bazaar without it being a description of her clothes, makeup, and behavior.
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