Monday, November 30, 2009

“Dinner Roll”

The House Homeland Security Committee and the Secret Service are investigating to learn how a couple without an invitation slipped in to a state dinner last week. So far, the investigation has only revealed the couple’s identity: Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson.

Despite the couple’s brashness, Joe Biden insists that he personally stuck to the “plus one” rule.

The couple’s motive for crashing the dinner remains unclear, though in this economy, the obvious motive would be free food.

“Tiger Attack”

Golfer Tiger Woods crashed his car into a fire hydrant and then a tree near his house late Friday night. Woods claims it happened because he didn’t have a caddy to help him get a better driver.

Tabloids have made o much of the incident, especially since he hit a hydrant, and then kept going until he hit a tree. It did seem odd that Tiger would lead with an iron and then go to the wood.

Among the tabloid rumors is a story that Tiger fled his home after being assaulted by his wife over an alleged affair. The only way to substantiate these rumors, however, would be if Tiger were married to Chris Brown.

“Primate Crime”

In a coastal town in South Africa, tourists have routinely been having their cars broken into by baboons seeking food. The problem has recently grown worse, as some baboons have become more aggressive, joined gangs, or resorted to prostitution.

Experts say that baboons in the wild will generally work for food by hunting, scavenging, or holding up a newborn Lion King.

The baboons have learned to open car doors and jump through windows, and are now working on learning to talk and enslaving man under Ape Law.


I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving holiday. My family did, I'm proud to say, as we welcomed a new baby girl, Ariella Rivka on November 20th.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

“Plane Language”

An FAA software failure Thursday morning caused dozens of flight delays across the country. Passengers who faced flight cancellations and long waits got some relief from the distraction of huge stupid fees for checking their luggage.

The glitch meant that air traffic controllers had to enter information manually. Making matters worse, if they wanted to talk to controllers at other airports, they had to pay $5 to rent the headphones.

“Big Money On Campus”

University of California students gathered on campuses Thursday to protest the approval of a 32% hike in student fees. Students are angry at the university; some about the money, but most because they can’t figure out the math.

“Lit Kerry Scene”

Senator John Kerry’s daughter Alexandra Kerry was arrested for alleged drunk driving late Wednesday night in Hollywood. LAPD could tell it was Kerry’s daughter by her driving: she had a substantial lead on them, but blew it by veering too far to the left.

Miss Kerry was released on bail early Thursday morning. When she left the police station she looked remorseful, at least judging by her long, long face.

“Oprah’s Swan Song”

On Friday, TV icon Oprah Winfrey will announce plans to end her eponymous talk show in 2011. This means one thing: the Mayans prediction of the end of the world in 2012 was only off by 1 year.

While many fans around the globe are disappointed, there is always the possibility that Oprah will celebrate the event by giving everyone in the world a new car.

It is unknown whether her last show will be a star-studded extravaganza or a quiet retrospective to end with Oprah eating her entire studio audience.

Once Oprah ends her show, it isn’t yet clear whether she will launch a rumored Oprah cable network or finally succumb to kryptonite.

Oprah’s loyal viewers will miss her weekday program, but will patiently wait for her Second Coming.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

“Day of the Depp”

Johnny Depp ranked at the top of the list to be named People magazine’s “Sexiest Man Alive” for the second time Wednesday. Ranking at the bottom: Susan Boyle.

It’s the second time Depp has won the annual title, joining George Clooney, Brad Pitt and Richard Gere. But to be fair, Jude Law could also be called a two-timer.

Depp is 46 but is able to keeps younger looking skin by having Tim Burton cover his face in white greasepaint 6 months out of every year.

“Senior Senator”

This week, Sen. Robert Byrd of West Virginia became the longest serving member of Congress in history, with almost 57 years at the Capitol. In all that time, he has helped to pass almost 3 pieces of useful legislation.

Sen. Byrd’s age may be starting to show, as evidenced by his recent proposal for a soft food bill and his filibuster of the price of Ex-Lax while in the checkout line at a Walgreens.

“Stripped of their Rights”

California’s Department of Parks and Recreation is forcing San Onofre State Beach goers to cover up, in a departure from a long-standing but unofficial acceptance of nude sunbathing. Park rangers are on the lookout for naked butts in what we’re calling “Operation Crackdown.”

In the past, locals had no complaints about the clothing optional beach, except for the universal rule, “No fat chicks.”

The park superintendent and his staff have been trying to prevent beachgoers from stripping down. However, a group of middle aged men has been conspicuously defying the ban, and that’s when things got really hairy.

The Naturists Action Committee, a nudist group, says that all of their members are willing to stand up for their rights.

Furthermore, they claim to be ready to make a statement of defiance by shedding their clothes at the beach in large numbers. But, as the winter weather comes, they are likely to experience serious shrinkage.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

“Residence Hurl”

A new study says that college students who live in coed dorms are far more likely to drink to excess regularly than students in single sex dorms. The coed dorm students also complain that their classes sometimes interfere with their drinking schedule.

The link between binge drinking and campus housing is limited, but only because the real drinking gets going at the frat houses.

“Health Issues Unwrapped”

Imaging tests on Egyptian mummies showed that hart disease was as common 3500 years ago as it is today. Life expectancy was significantly shorter—averaging less than 50 years, leading anthropologists to think ancient Egypt only had HMO’s.

Still, this ancient society may have been healthier overall than we are today. Maybe that’s why you never see a fat mummy.

Learning about heart disease from mummies may not provide a cure, but it might wrap some bandages around it.

The researchers had hoped to learn more, but Brendan Fraser busted in and blasted all the mummies with a shotgun.

“Christmas Corral”

This holiday season, Santas at malls and other photo op locations are asking to be designated as a priority group for flu vaccine due to their high exposure with children. As everyone knows, the highest H1N1mortality risks are infants, the elderly, and elves.

Both The Amalgamated Order of Real Bearded Santas and a group called Santa America take the risk very seriously. When it comes to illness, they are NOT playing reindeer games.

Of course, if Santa was serious about his health, he’d give up smoking that pipe and lose some weight.

“Lost Remote”

Comedian Ken Ober, best known as the host of MTV’s game show Remote Control in the late 1980’s, died at the age of 52. In tribute to him, MTV will actually play a music video.

“Chinese Secret”

President Obama’s speech from Shanghai about censorship was not seen by most of China, due to their government’s last minute scrapping of a planned live broadcast. But a heavily edited version will be preserved in China’s Temple of Irony.

“Turtle Whacks”

Scientists say that Costa Rica’s leatherback sea turtles are being threatened with extinction. Sadly, the ones who survive destruction of their environment often wind up as leather slaves.

Laws have been put in place to stop the poaching of turtles and their eggs, but it just sounds more appetizing when people find out they can get poached eggs.

“Wrapped up in a Bow”

The president has come under heavy fire from critics over bowing to Japan’s Emperor Akihito last weekend. The White House says he wasn’t bowing, he was just trying to duck some of that constant heavy fire.

Photos and video show the president’s body at almost a 90 degree angle. The White house says he wasn’t bowing, he just needed to bend that far to look Akihito in the face.

Conservatives bashed the president for “groveling to a foreign leader.” Obama, who has proven himself photo-op savvy, was actually just making sure his fly was zipped.

Friday, November 13, 2009

“Down in the Mumps”

Doctors are reporting an increase in cases of the mumps here in the U.S. They explain that since most people’s income levels have regressed to the 1970’s, diseases have simply followed suit.

“Lunar Tide” or “Splashdown”

NASA said Friday that last month’s experiment smashing 2 probes into the moon’s surface has resulted in proof of significant amounts of water in the moon’s craters. As a result, areas right around the craters skyrocketed in price as beach-front real estate.

Though once thought dry, scientists began to suspect that the moon might have water when they observed the “no fishing” signs.

Water on the surface of the moon means new rules for astronauts. They cannot go onto the moon’s surface for an hour after they eat.

“Get a Wing Man”

A drop in chicken production has resulted in a shortage of chicken wings. This tragic situation means that televised football will be proportionally less enjoyable.

Customers in restaurant who order wings may find smaller portions, forcing them to eat the celery.

Most sympathetic to the problem are chicken retailers, whose own sales are suffering. Least sympathetic: chickens with no arms.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

“Smoke Up”

The CDCP reports that smoking has risen in the U.S. for the first time in 15 years. To lower the rate, the government will try to get the cast of Mad Men to finish filming their scenes in fewer takes.

A national survey says just over 1% more American adults are smoking, compared to a year earlier. By coincidence, that’s the same percentage of nerds who suddenly seemed a lot cooler.

“Busted Balloon”

Richard and Mayumi Heene, the “balloon boy” parents, accepted a plea bargain to avaid Mrs. Heenes’ deportation to Japan, and will serve probation for their helium balloon hoax. Japan would have been rough because they lack the funds to pretend their kid was kidnapped by a 300-ft. prehistoric monster.

“Intro to Economics”

A North Carolina middle school planned a fundraiser offering students 20 points to apply to test grades for a $20 donation. The plan has been cancelled by administrators, though it might have been a good testing program, since any student paying the 20 bucks is obviously stupid.

The board of education was shocked, saying that students should only be allowed to buy grades with their sports skills.

A new fundraiser will take its place, where the school will simply pimp out the students for sex.

“Pageant Interview”

Former Miss California Carrie Prejean stopped her TV interview on Larry King Live last night, when Larry asked questions about her settlement with the Miss USA Pageant. In fairness to Carrie, no one goes on Larry King expected to answer actual questions.

Prejean called King “inappropriate.” This apparently caught Larry off guard, mainly because, at his age, he can’t even remember what he just said.

When Prejean removed her earpiece and microphone while still on camera, Larry didn’t seem all that upset. But that’s because he assumed he must have just won the beauty pageant.

“Chasing Crawford”

Cindy Crawford and her husband were reported to have been the intended victims of an extortion plot using a photo of their 7 year old daughter. Police caught the man behind it by infiltrating his scheme using a mole.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

“Trash Talk” or “Struck Gold”

In New Jersey, sanitation workers found a reported lost wedding ring under 10 tons of trash after it had been accidentally discarded. In New Jersey, it’s easy to find a wedding ring buried in a landfill. Just look for the dead mob informant whose finger it’s on.

“Worth the Weight”

A Miami baby born at only 4 months gestation and weighing only 1 lb., 1 oz. is now thriving at 8 months old and weighing 12 lbs. As if to prove how normal her life has become, the women’s fashion industry is already telling her that she has gotten fat.

“Uniform Support”

Today is Veterans’ Day, so don’t forget to show your appreciation for all the men and women of our Armed Forces. That is, if Obama ever really lets them come back from Afghanistan and Iraq.

“Black Tuesday”

A mysterious blackout affected 70 million people in the nation of Brazil Tuesday night, leaving Rio de Janeiro and half the country without electricity for 4 hours. Looking to pull out the root cause, Brazilian officials are leaving no area un-waxed.

“Looking towards the Heavens”

The Vatican has begun working with scientists to explore the possibility of intelligent, extra-terrestrial life. When asked why, Pope Benedict XVI said, “Well, I’m bored, and we haven’t had any Crusades in a long time.”

If there is alien life out there on other planets, the question for the Church then becomes, are they Catholic?

Some may be. Obviously, for example, Han Solo’s last name is Italian.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

“Eagle Wants to Fly?”

Michael Vick is reportedly unhappy to be playing for the Philadelphia Eagles since his return to the NFL and may want to try to go to another team. Some say, however, that he should just let sleeping dogs lie.

“Gifted Program”

A survey revealed this week that companies plan to cut back on holiday gifts for employees this year. Finally, some bad news that has no effect on the 10% of the country that are unemployed.

Most companies say they are cutting back due to the slow sales year. So while the country tries to fight 2 wars and manage healthcare, some executive will be whining about getting a Whitman’s Chocolate Sampler instead of an iPod.

In a related story, a guy with no job will be willing to take that Whitman’s Sampler and ration it out to his family as a breakfast, lunch, and then dinner.

“6-Inch Sub Stop”

In Boston, a subway train made a dramatic emergency stop inches in front of a drunk woman who fell on the tracks. The incident was caught on video and quickly went viral online. As a result, balloon-hoax dad Richard Heene is now trying to adopt her.

Monday, November 9, 2009

“Give it a Rest”

Citing financial woes, many states’ departments of transportation are shutting down highway rest areas. This could create a real hardship for both business travelers and parents looking to have anonymous sex with truck-drivers.

State run rest stops had always been there for travelers who determined that fast food restaurants’ and gas stations’ bathrooms were just too clean for them.

“Wrath of Conn.”

Connecticut governor M. Jodi Rell announced this week that she will not run for re-election in 2010. As a Republican, she chose to announce it now instead of having the obligatory sleazy affair with a prostitute or a South American woman.

In the meantime, she plans to continue working for her state and finish out her term. Or as the Republican Party now calls that, “going rogue.”

Rell doesn’t want to go through the grueling process of campaigning and debating again; not when its easier nowadays to be next in line after a sitting governor resigns in disgrace.

…Or as that is now becoming known, “the democratic process.”

Of course, the liberal media will immediately get to work trying to bully her out of office sooner.

FOX News is taking Gov. Rell’s announcement as a sign that she is a shoo-in to run for president in 2012.

…Or sooner.

“Bear it All”

China has sent an expert to Taiwan to assist in panda breeding. Despite our own national interest in pandas, the U.S. sent no one, since our culture frowns of human sex with animals.

The expert will help Taiwanese zookeepers prepare the pandas for the February mating season. This means that they only a few months to search the jungle for some wine, jazz, and scented candles.

To help even more, China has an innovative back-up plan: Operation Panda Porn.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

“Up-Grade Dressed Down” or “Class War”

A man with a first-class upgrade on United Airlines was denied his seat in that section because he was wearing a track suit. Apparently, United felt it would be better if the man tried on a lawsuit.

The passenger says he was embarrassed to be denied his upgraded seat, but the point is moot because nothing about commercial air travel is first-class anymore.

To make it up to him, next time he flies, United has agreed to charge him triple the price for sitting in coach.

“Pilots Excuse: Miles Off Course”

The two pilots who lost their licenses after they overshot Minneapolis by 150 miles are both appealing their case with the NTSB, or National Transportation Safety Board. It’s expected that when they show up for their hearing, they’ll miss the NTSB building by 150 miles.

The pilots’ defense has been that they were distracted by working on their laptop computers, which is like saying you’re innocent because you were doing exactly what you are accused of.

Many suspect that both pilots fell asleep, creating a serious danger to everyone aboard. Equally serious is their apparently poor judgment, as evidences by the lame, bogus laptop excuse.

It’s more likely that one pilot was on top the other’s lap.

Now, I’m not saying that these guys are liars, but their clear lack of respect for the place where they work make the word ‘cockpit’ sound dirty.

On the bright side, the plane’s autopilot is being hailed as a hero for keeping everyone on board alive.

The FAA asked that they file their appeal electronically, because they don’t even want to give these guys the tools to fly paper airplanes.

“On Top of Spaghetti…”

A New Hampshire restaurant set a world record Sunday for making the world’s biggest meatball, which weighed in at 222.5 lbs. Or, as Oprah Winfrey calls it, an appetizer.

Nonni’s Italian Eatery in Concord even had their giant meatball’s weight authenticated by state officials. Then, tragedy struck as the lovable dog Tramp sprained his nose trying to push it over to his girlfriend Lady’s side of the plate.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

“Gilded Cage”

It was reported this week that Nicolas Cage, who has recently waged a public battle with financial problems and tax liens, may have eccentric spending to blame. Cage has bought and paid for 2 islands, a castle, 50 cars, a jet, a yacht, a pair of King Cobras, and a dinosaur skull… but surprisingly, not acting lessons.

Cage has also been a generous philanthropist, giving millions of dollars to charities, such as the Red Cross. Cage sympathizes with disaster victims, and can relate because of the movie roles he’s chosen.

“Mayoral Race”

In London, Mayor Boris Johnson answered a woman’s call for help as she was about to be attacked by a gang of teen girls, rescuing her before any could do her harm with an iron bar. As an Englishman, all he had to do scare them off was show his teeth.

American politicians have also sent young women running, but we call that sexual harassment.

The mayor, an avid cyclist, was on an evening bike ride at the time, and the incident has given him enough of a boost of confidence that he finally feels ready to take off his training wheels.

“In the Host Seat”

Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin have been named co-hosts of the 2010 Academy Awards. Producers want the annual gala to be fun and entertaining for everyone, so Martin will not be allowed to play the banjo, and Baldwin will not be allowed to talk to his daughter.

Alec Baldwin’s brothers, actors Stephen and Billy, said that they can’t wait to see their brother host the awards, since those two would have absolutely no other reason to be there.

“Caged Bird” or “Grand Theft, Ottowa”

On Wednesday, a man who stole a plane in Canada and flew it to Missouri was sentenced to 2 years in federal prison. Some say that’s harsh. Usually, entering the U.S. illegally gets you free school and healthcare.

The man claims to have been depressed at the time of the incident, but the judge was suspicious. Since when is Missouri a cure for depression?

“Cell Block”

Verizon Wireless is doubling its early termination fee to $350. The company claims that the move is really a form of customer service, because it saves people the trouble of asking their customers why they don’t have an iPhone yet.

Verizon claims that their smart-phones are equal to AT&T’s iPhone apps. For instance, they will be coming out with a function that combines a calculator with your wireless bill. The app is called, “How Much Are We Screwing You?”

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

“Buffett Right on Track”

Billionaire investor Warren Buffet has acquired Burlington Northern Sante Fe, the nation’s second largest railroad. Some say this shows Buffett’s confidence in the economy, but really, he just knows people are going to need box cars to live in.

Buffett, showing his real prediction of where this country is headed, is setting his railway up with a bullet train to hell.

Some critics say railroads are too old-fashioned to be a dynamic money-maker, but Buffett knows that trains are going to get a lot more popular when the rest of the airlines go belly-up.

When was the last time a train overshot Minneapolis by 150 miles?

“Justice Is Blind, but Not Colorblind”

The Louisiana justice of the peace who refused to marry an interracial couple a couple weeks ago resigned Tuesday. Despite stepping down from his post, Justice Bardwell promises to still be an outspoken racist.

The justice will spend his retirement playing chess. Not trying to win; just trying to keep the black and white pieces on their own side of the board.

The justice claims not to be a racist, but says he thinks children of interracial marriages suffer. As an example, he pointed to the way FOX News treats President Obama.

“Gay Issues in the Maine-Stream”

In Maine, voters will decide today on a referendum to approve or repeal a law allowing gay marriage. Voting against the bill: gay married people.

Gay marriage got a lot of support in Maine, partly because it’s so cold there, you hold onto any warm body you can grab just for warmth.

A lot of lesbians flock to Maine, just for the overalls.

Gay marriage advocates say that now is the perfect time for this vote in Maine, because the rainbow colors of the foliage makes the state itself look really gay.