Monday, September 24, 2012

“Cryer’s Keepers”

Jon Cryer won the Emmy award last night for Best Lead Actor in a Comedy Series, proving you can be on Two and a Half Men and win an Emmy without smoking crack.

Cryer’s next move is to go crazy, do lots of drugs, whore it up, and trademark the resulting catchphrases.

Friday, September 21, 2012

“Call Waiting”

Apple customers are swarming to buy the new iPhone 5.  Most enthusiasts are excited about the sleek, new look and features of waiting in long lines.

Apple stock is up and expected to continue to rise, unless iPhone 4’s Siri becomes jealous over 5’s attention.

Apple is expected to make such large sales gains that from now on, New York City will be known as The Little Apple.

“Shuttered Shuttle Shuttled”

The retired Space Shuttle Endeavor landed in Los Angeles today.   It was flown in, strapped to the top of a jumbo jet.  The unusual landing not only impressed spectators, it earned the shuttle the nickname “Romney’s Dog.”

Now that its retired, the shuttle will become an exhibit at the California Science Center, where it will spend it's days talking with other shuttles about the good old days, and telling everyone else to get out of its yard.

“Fat Chance”

Harvard researchers say that people who are genetically predisposed to obesity are more likely to become obese if they drink a lot of sugary beverages.  Their conclusions are based on studying 32 genes, gathering ancestry data and testing thousands of grouped subjects.  But they could have gotten the same results just from looking at people.