“South of the Bieber”

Last night Justin Bieber walked off stage ending a Buenos Aires concert early for the second time since visiting South America, this time citing food poisoning as the reason.   Because it just sounds conceited to say he had a Bieber fever.

Bieber’s manager said his food poisoning was so severe he spent the 8 hours before the show on an IV drip.  Said The Rolling Stones, “An IV drip?  Big deal – we do that before every show.

Bieber was already at the center of controversy in South America, allegedly visiting a brothel, which may be the real origin of his “drip.”

“Navy Blues”

More allegations have surfaced in the US Navy sex scandal, in which contracts for goods and services may have been given in exchange for money and gifts including  services of prostitutes.  For instance, submarine officers were influenced about where and when they would be going down.

Now a 3-star admiral has been implicated.  If he was involved in illicit sexual behavior, naval uniform protocol demands that his stars immediately be replaced with x’s.

Reports claim the scandal will taint the admirals.  But as everyone knows, rear admirals rarely get out with their taint intact.

“Salad Days”

A California company has recalled over 90 tons of pre-packed salads and wraps over fears that they may contain a strain of E. coli.  Just what Americans need: another excuse not to eat vegetables.

 

The contaminated foods will be collected by the FDA and redistributed as low-cost elementary school lunches.

“The Russians Are Coming"

Russian president Vladimir Putin will be visiting Viet Nam tomorrow in an effort to improve relations there.  Coincidentally, that event will also be a major plot point in the next Sylvester Stallone action movie.

Once he is there, safely in an underground lair, Putin can finally remove his human-like mask and show the Vietnamese leaders his lizard skin underneath.

"Immodest Proposal"

Last week Kanye West flew Kim Kardashian to San Francisco, where he surprised her by having rented out AT&T Park, home of the Giants, where he then proposed.  He wanted to bring her to a place big enough for her ass and his ego.

Though they’ve been together a while now, Kim said the proposal came totally out of left field.

In his proposal, Kanye told Kim that if she’d marry him, she would make him the happiest man in the world, you know, because of all the publicity.

Kanye said that the only thing that could make him happier was if he could marry himself.

Kanye did not offer his proposal in a rap, but only because Kim had not bought a ticket to be in the stadium.

Members of Kim’s family were hiding in the dugout waiting for Kim’s answer.  The dugout seemed the perfect place for them, since it, too, is shallow.

Khloe Kardashian was there, but she kept getting mistaken for the Giants’ mascot.

Kanye proposed with a giant, 14.2-carot diamond ring.  Kim said it was the best thing he ever gave her, the most beautiful thing she’s ever seen, and it goes without saying that she loves it much more than their baby.

Actually, Kanye and Kim couldn’t wait to celebrate their happy news with their baby, North, as soon as they figure out which nanny currently has her.

Kanye had decided this was the perfect time to propose, because as a couple, it’s very important that they promote his new album.

Kim said ‘yes’ to Kanye, making way for a huge celebration for all their lawyers.

As soon as Kim accepted the proposal, Kanye went straight to third base.

There was no TV crew there, allowing Kim and Kanye to enjoy this as a private moment before the next sex tape.

Kim will soon be planning her bridal shower, which is what Kris Jenner calls meeting with networks to see who gets the deal to broadcast the wedding.

Kim and Kanye don’t care what denomination their wedding officiate is, as long as it’s someone who bows down to Yesus.

Kim and Kanye will not wed at AT&T Park, because even they know that with AT&T, you’ll get a lousy reception.

In a somewhat related story, that same day, Kris Humphries went on a blind movie date, where he spilled a soda on the girl right after the coming attractions.

“Kim and Kanye Konceive”

Kim Kardashian said that she had a hard time getting pregnant.  But once the video camera was rolling…

If families with young children watch the Kardashians on TV and the kids start asking where babies come from, their parents should explain to them, “A baby is made when a man and a woman love attention very much…”

The baby already has its own reality show, with the crew filming 24/7 from inside Kim’s uterus. 

But to be fair, they were already there before she got pregnant.

A few years after the baby is born, Kim and Kanye already can’t wait to show their child the tape of his or her conception.

Kim and Kanye have decided NOT to show the birth on television.  Some moments are just so special and private that they only belong on pay-per-view.

It’s too soon to know if the baby will look like Kim or Kanye when its born, but like all 3-month fetuses, for now its face looks like Bruce Jenner.

“Hair Force One”

http://www.usatoday.com/story/life/people/2013/01/17/michelle-obama-has-another-new-hair-do---with-bangs/1842981/

Ahead of her husband’s second inauguration, Michelle Obama has gotten a new hairstyle, sporting bangs.  Or as Republican conspiracy theorists are calling it, a forehead cover-up.

The rumor is, if President Obama isn’t crazy about his wife’s new hairdo, he’s going to push for a ban on hand-held scissors.

“Take Aim, Rand”

http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2013/01/17/rand-paul-lets-arm-teachers/1843003/

On Thursday, Sen. Rand Paul said he supported the idea of having school teachers carry guns in school.  He said, “Not only would it allow educators to defend themselves in the event of a crisis, we’d see a lot more class work being finished on time.”

At the end of those standardized tests, when teacher says pencils down, you’d better put that pencil down!

“That test is getting a ‘B.’  And the ‘B’ stands for ‘buckshot.’”

Galactic Empire

Disney has bought Lucasfilm for a reported $4 billion, with plans to make Star Wars Episodes 7, 8, and 9.  Already, Darth Vader’s helmet is being fitted with mouse ears.

George Lucas will be involved with the new sequels as a consultant, so he still has a chance to ruin them.

It is hard to calculate whether the franchise is really woth $4 billion, making some suspect that Disney executives became the victims of a Jedi mind trick.

With Star Wars becoming a part of the Disney family, Pinocchio finally has a wooden brother in Hayden Christiansen.

Instead of being considered “lame,” Jar-Jar Binks will be reclassified as “wholesome.”

Disney's growing empire has made some nostalgic for the Old Republic.

Disney knows how to handle the storm troopers, since its slate of romantic comedies proves they have plenty of experience with clones.

“Re-Cycling”

http://www.usatoday.com/story/sports/cycling/2012/10/22/uci-no-appeal-lance-armstrong-usada-decision/1648865/

The international Cycling Union announced Monday that it would not appeal the sanctions imposed on Lance Armstrong, who was stripped of all 7 titles in the Tour de France and barred for life from competing in sanctioned Olympic sports.  Adding insult to injury, his former love Sheryl Crowe has retroactively repealed everything from their relationship, especially the sex.

The UCI’s decision came after Armstrong declined to fight the doping charges against him.  No longer an inspiration to kids, his new message is, “If you fall off a bike, don’t bother getting back on.”

“Air Trafficking Controllers”

http://www.usatoday.com/story/travel/flights/2012/10/17/baggage-handler-at-nyc-airport-gets-life-in-prison/1639061/

A baggage handler at New York City’s John F. Kennedy international Airport was sentenced to life in prison for in-flight drug trafficking, including hiding cocaine inside sensitive wing assembly components, potentially threatening passengers’ lives.  It’s sad, because he was the only handler who was actually careful with the luggage.

Though federal prosecutors got their conviction, the case had gotten confusing when drugs that were supposed to be shipped to one city were often diverted to another.

“Flavor of the Month”

http://seattletimes.com/html/entertainment/2019453775_apusflavorflavarrested.html?prmid=head_main

Last night, Flavor Flav was arrested in Las Vegas for domestic violence.  His attitude was, “You mess with the bull, you get the plastic Viking helmet horns.”

This never would have happened in Hollywood, where for years, Flavor couldn’t even get arrested.

Flavor might be facing some heavy jail time.  If there’s one guy who understands heavy time, it’s a guy who wears a wall clock around his neck.

When an argument became heated between he and his fiancée, Flavor got the idea to, “Yo! Bum Rush the Show…rty.”

Flavor allegedly threw his fiancée to the floor, twice.  His excuse was, “Bitch should have stayed down after the first time.”

He is also accused of chasing his fiancee’s son with a knife, a felony assault charge.  At that point, witnesses called 911, but as Flavor can attest, “911 Is a Joke.”

If found guilty, after all these years, Flav is finally living up to the name Public Enemy.

Fortunately for all involved, no one was injured.  Fortunately for America, no new Flavor Flav reality show is planned.

"Fearless Fall"

Daredevil “Fearless Felix” Baumgartner broke skydiving world records Sunday, jumping from a giant balloon 24 miles up, then free-falling to speeds over 800 miles per hour.  That’s what you have to resort to when your airline has blackout days for your frequent-flyer-miles.

Felix was free-falling for over 4 straight minutes, and for part of that he was spinning completely out of control.  This means that he’s now qualified to make a comeback next year as a judge on The X Factor.

He traveled faster than the speed of sound, which was his whole objective.   Not just to be the first person to do it without a vehicle or craft, but to be able to blame the sounds of panicked screaming on a guy he claims was a thousand feet behind him.

He fell 24 Miles straight down.  Men are impressed by this.  Women are convinced he’d have landed faster if he’d stopped and asked for directions.

The entire stunt was sponsored by Red Bull, which is surprising, because they didn't give him wings.

Some spectators said the whole idea of a man risking his life for a little fame left a bad taste in their mouths.  And there’s your tie-in with Red Bull.

Because Red Bull orchestrated everything, Felix was expected to get to a high very quickly, but then crash hard and burn out.

“Cryer’s Keepers”

http://www.emmys.com/

Jon Cryer won the Emmy award last night for Best Lead Actor in a Comedy Series, proving you can be on Two and a Half Men and win an Emmy without smoking crack.

Cryer’s next move is to go crazy, do lots of drugs, whore it up, and trademark the resulting catchphrases.

“Call Waiting”

http://www.usatoday.com/tech/story/2012/09/21/iphone-5-first-day-sales/57815108/1?csp=hf

Apple customers are swarming to buy the new iPhone 5.  Most enthusiasts are excited about the sleek, new look and features of waiting in long lines.

Apple stock is up and expected to continue to rise, unless iPhone 4’s Siri becomes jealous over 5’s attention.

Apple is expected to make such large sales gains that from now on, New York City will be known as The Little Apple.

“Shuttered Shuttle Shuttled”

http://www.usatoday.com/news/nation/story/2012/09/21/endeavour-soars-over-sacramento-en-route-to-la/57815248/1

The retired Space Shuttle Endeavor landed in Los Angeles today.   It was flown in, strapped to the top of a jumbo jet.  The unusual landing not only impressed spectators, it earned the shuttle the nickname “Romney’s Dog.”

Now that its retired, the shuttle will become an exhibit at the California Science Center, where it will spend it's days talking with other shuttles about the good old days, and telling everyone else to get out of its yard.

“Fat Chance”

http://www.usatoday.com/news/nation/story/2012/09/21/sugary-drinks-may-magnify-the-genetic-risk-of-obesity/57821200/1

Harvard researchers say that people who are genetically predisposed to obesity are more likely to become obese if they drink a lot of sugary beverages.  Their conclusions are based on studying 32 genes, gathering ancestry data and testing thousands of grouped subjects.  But they could have gotten the same results just from looking at people.

“Jersey No-More”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/entertainment/post/2012/08/mtvs-jersey-shore-will-end-after-sixth-season/1#.UD_kHcGPUsc

MTV has announced that the next season of Jersey Shore would be its last.  The reason for its cancellation after 6 seasons is that thanks to the cast, the state of New Jersey has run out of alcohol.

The most painful thing about the end of the series is, instead of referring to Nicole ‘Snooki’ Polizzi,” with the prefix “TV star,” people will have to refer to her by the prefix “Best-selling author.”

Not only do Snooki and J-Woww have their own spin-off anyway, now that Snooki has given birth to her baby, she will be opening her own production company, in her vagina.

Once the series ends, Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino will split his time between product endorsement deals and using his own existence as evidence that evolution is now working backwards. 

Actually, once the show is off the air, the cast drop their TV personas and will resume their real lives: going to college and spending their spare time reading classic literature and discussing philosophy.

“That’s your Cue, Harry." or "Royal Hiney"

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/entertainment/post/2012/08/prince-harry-gets-naked-in-las-vegas/1?csp=hf#.UDVH4MGPUsc

TMZ caught images of a naked Prince Harry who was apparently playing strip billiards in a Las Vegas hotel.  Luckily, before anyone could see how the billiards game was going, Harry had the sense to cover his balls.

Things got even more awkward when cameras caught Harry chalking his own cue.

Hopefully the prince remembered the first rule of naked billiards: try not to scratch on the break.

The photos have resulted in the young royal’s new nickname, Prince Hairy.

Harry claims he was just trying to sink one in the corner pocket.

Most embarrassing to the royal family: Harry must be pretty bad at billiards.

“LL Cool Justice”

http://www.usatoday.com/life/people/story/2012-08-22/ll-cool-j-burglar/57205912/1

Actor/Rapper LL Cool J stopped a burglar who had broken into his house and held him until police arrived.  The burglar wasn’t actually trying to escape arrest, he just wanted to flee before Cool J made him watch NCIS: Los Angeles.