Paris Hilton has reported to police that the theft of $2 million worth of jewelry from her mansion last month may have been pulled off by an acquaintance. That narrows it down to thousands of people she’s slept with.
Paris is most upset by what she calls an “invasion of privacy,” which she cherishes as a reality television staple, tabloid main-stay, and sex-tape star.
Police are calling it an inside job, meaning the suspects are now limited to the multitudes who have been inside her.
In-house security footage showed a person wearing a hoodie and a pair of gloves, briefly throwing suspicion on O.J. Simpson.
(Just kidding, O.J. Please don’t kill me. Or kidnap me at gunpoint.)
In the future, Paris is considering hiding her jewels in her own bodily orifices, but that’s a security problem since so many people have access.
There may seem to be a bias, where everything I write about Paris implies that she is slutty. Perhaps I’m selling her short. After all, she is also useless and stupid.
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