“Shorts Sentence”

http://www.usatoday.com/news/nation/story/2012-02-16/underwear-bomber/53115186/1

Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, better known as the underwear bomber, was sentenced to multiple life sentences Thursday, for trying to blow up a jet plane bound for Detroit, Dec 25, 2009.  This despite his lawyer’s attempt at a defense that an awful in-flight meal caused the explosion in his underwear.

The bomb hidden in his underwear ignited and burned him, but failed to explode.  Apparently, for Umar, nothing below the waist ever worked very well.

Due to his botched bombing, if he ever got on another plane, he would be able to stow his genitals in a carry-on bag.

There is little concern that Umar might catch a venereal disease in prison, since he has already had a flaming crotch.

He’s expected to be very popular in prison, especially since his posterior has already been blown wide open.

The multiple life sentences were imposed because the judge felt that the defendant would try to commit future terrorist acts if ever released, if only he still had the balls.

“Underwear Bomber: Guilty Pleasure?”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/ondeadline/post/2011/10/underwear-bomber-changes-plea-to-guilty/1

Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, the so-called “Underwear Bomber” pleaded guilty to trying to blow up a plane as a passenger in flight, on Christmas, 2009.  He had originally planned to plead not guilty, but was convinced to change both his plea and his underwear.

Umar called the bomb he carried a “Blessed weapon,” which was proven to be true when, instead  of killing innocent people on a plane, it just burned his junk.

In reference to the underwear incident, he read from a brief, not boxer, statement.

In addition to possible consecutive life sentences, the 8 charges to which he pleaded carry fines of $250,000 as well.  So by blowing up his underwear, he really lost his ass.

Details of his injuries were not specific, but it is widely believed that since his bomb went off, there’s no more fruit in the loom.

The bomber threatened the United States with further violence, adding, “If you laugh at us now, we will laugh at you later.”  The United States, meanwhile, did not laugh at any violence, but couldn’t help but chuckle at the guy who ignited a bomb in his own underwear and burned his butt off.

Because of his bad underwear experience, if he ever plans another military style attack, he’d prefer to go commando.

“Implanted Evidence” or “Scare Tactics”

http://travel.usatoday.com/flights/story/2011/07/TSA-warns-airlines-of-explosive-implants/49154470/1?csp=hf

The TSA has issued a warning to airlines that terrorists might try to surgically implant bombs into their bodies.  They issued that warning when they saw the average American’s  cholesterol level.

No doubt about it; it’s a ticking time bomb.

This means that if Kim Kardashian really did have butt implants and they became unstable, she could be charged with carrying weapons of ass destruction.

If suicide bombers are willing to insert explosive devices into body cavaties as a way of concealing them, in a way, that means we really have won the war on terror.  You stick a bomb up your own butt, you lose.

The terrorists may not find it that easy to have explosive implants put in.  Only one out of three Beverly Hills plastic surgeons is willing to insert implants with a live fuse sticking out.

Just remember, if you are a suicide bomber putting explosive implants in your body, use saline instead of silicone.  Safety first.

Terrorist organizations have only one volunteer so far: Heidi Montag.  She will get any kind of implant they can make.

How does al-Qaida convince its members to sign up for explosive implants?  “Yes, brothers, get explosive implants.  You will be richly rewarded, not only in heaven, but here on earth, too... briefly.  You are going to kill Americans, but first, you’ll go from an A-cup to a double-D!  (Beat.)  First... va-va-voom.  Then... va-va-boom!”

“Vege-Terrorists”

http://news.yahoo.com/s/yblog_thelookout/20101222/us_yblog_thelookout/report-al-qaeda-plotted-to-sprinkle-poison-on-u-s-salad-bars

Officials revealed Tuesday that the al-Qaida cell that tried to pass toner-cartridge bombs in October also had a plot to poison restaurant salad bars. If they carried out that plan, based on American eating habits, they could have killed as many as… 0 people.

When asked if the “salad plot” scared them, most Americans responded, “What’s a salad?”

Meanwhile, the Terror alert was raised to Orange today when it was discovered that Americans are continuing to poison themselves with fast food and all-you-can-eat buffets.

The al-Qaida terrorists had previously attempted to attack America’s salad bars with germ weapons, but they were foiled by the sneeze guard.