Thursday, May 28, 2009

“Play Money”

Toys ‘R Us has bought out FAO Schwarz, saving the latter from bankruptcy. The financial details of the deal were not released, but Toys R Us may feel upset, learning only after the sale that batteries were not included.

FAO Schwarz was founded in 1862 as a decidedly upscale toy retailer, and is proud to have supplied high-end merchandise for generations of unappreciative, spoiled brats.

Toys R Us drew contracts with crayons, markers, and colored pencils.

FAO Schwarz was struggling financially and had filed for bankruptcy protection twice. Toys R Us is expected to increase Schwarz’ allowance, but they will have to do more chores.

“Doing Time Is Money”

Across the country, more city and county jails are instituting a fee for jail costs for those convicted. The fee can be anywhere from $1 to $60, depending on the location, view, and spa services.

Dollar amounts vary, but serve the dual purpose as additional deterrent and aid to offset jail costs. In all cases, the per diem fee does not include the recommended 15% gratuity.

“Freedom of a Speech”

Supreme Court Justice nominee Sonia Sotomayor is having to answer for a 2001 speech, where she remarked that a “wise Latina woman… would… reach better conclusion(s) than a white man.” Newt Gingrich and Rush Limbaugh have concluded that the statement is racist, proving her point from 8 years ago.

White, male Republicans crying racism. Now that’s “Change.”

The Judiciary Committee’s Senator Jeff Sessions called the remark “troubling.” Perhaps he meant that its troubling that the committee took the time to scrutinize Sotomayor’s every statement on public record and this is the best they could come up with.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009


Secretary of State Hillary Clinton warned that North Korea faces consequences for continuing its recent provocative acts. Experts, however, say that dictator Kim Jong Ill isn’t one who worries about consequences, as evidenced by his nuclear missile tests, oppression of his own people, and that Marge Simpson hairstyle.

North Korea also called South Korea’s denouncement of recent North Korean aggression a declaration of war. They are also calling all statements geared towards peace or sane conversation a declaration of war.

“Rap Sheet”

Rapper Eminem’s new album, Relapse sold more copies in its first week than any other this year. It’s making several hard-core rappers consider trading their hip-hop street names for a moniker that suggests candy.

“Rational Velvet”

Screen legend Elizabeth Taylor, 77, tweeted that she was home from the hospital after what her publicist called “a routine visit.” Without any specific illness cited, paparazzi will print the obvious conclusion: she’s pregnant.

Most likely contender to be the father of Taylor’s love child: Elton John, Michael Jackson, or Lindsay Lohan.

“Marital Spat”

Celebrities in Hollywood, upset at the California Supreme court’s upholding of the state’s gay marriage ban have been extremely vocal about their feelings on the Internet. A-listers from movies, TV, and music have posted to their websites, blogs, and Twitter accounts. In a related story, anyone heard from Tom Cruise lately?

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

“Photo Ops”

Four states using face recognition software at the DMV are prohibiting smiles in driver’s license photos. Interestingly, due to the long lines, high fees, and surly staff, it doesn’t seem to be a problem.

These DMV’s require that everyone stay in orderly lines, conform to all state policies, and then maintain the same, neutral, emotionless expression as everyone else. Ironically, the face recognition programming is meant to prevent stripping away a person’s identity.

So far, drivers subjected to this rule do not look happy.

A few states have DMV auto-check in and easy processing. To keep their motorists from smiling, right before they take their picture, they make them watch Rules of Engagement.

States that do allow licensees to smile do so, they say, so that they can tell the difference between the customers in the building and the employees.

“Supreme Choice”

To replace retiring Supreme Court Justice David Souter, President Obama has tapped Judge Sonia Sotomayor. She was appointed her to the U.S. Court of Appeals in 1998 by Bill Clinton, who still wishes that he had tapped that.

“Proposition 8 Is Enough”

The California Supreme Court upheld the voter-approved definition of marriage as being between a man and a woman, sparking a wave of public protests by gay activists. The decision was a big victory, however, for banner-makers and sign printing companies.

“Killer Move”

O.J. Simpson has asked the Nevada Supreme Court to overturn his armed robbery and kidnapping conviction over a sports memorabilia confrontation in Las Vegas. His appeal alleges judicial misconduct, insufficient evidence, lack of jury racial diversity, and errors in jury instructions. In other words, all the mistakes that got him off for murder.

Simpson said that if the appeal fails, he’ll just start killing again.

(Just kidding, O.J. Please don't kill me.)

“Freshly Roasted Hot Dog”

A Boston man was charged with animal cruelty for throwing hot coffee on his neighbor’s barking dog. In a related story, someone needs to switch to decaf.

Members of PETA felt bad for the dog, but had to side with the man for throwing a dark, colored liquid on someone wearing real animal fur.

The dog was not seriously injured, but the experience has changed him. Instead of chasing his favorite stick, he now uses it to stir sugar into his drinking bowl.

The dog was slightly traumatized and now he pees whenever he sees a coffee mug. His vet called the condition ‘automatic drip.’

Now the dog buries coffee in his yard, and this morning he was able to dig up some fresh ground.

Friday, May 22, 2009

“Shorts Range Combat”

Secretary of Defense Robert Gates praised Zachary Boyd, the soldier in Afghanistan who was woken by Taliban gunfire and ran to defend his unit, still in his boxer shorts. After the incident, the soldier was immediately debriefed.

Gates said that engaging the enemy in boxers was a innovation in psychological warfare. The only downside is that the Taliban are now planning to use new tactics that include wedgies.

Specialist Boyd was also wearing flip-flops instead of boots, and will be credited with inventing frat party camouflage.

Even though Specialist Boyd was technically out of uniform in the fire-fight, at least he didn’t go commando.

A news photographer snapped pictures of corporals, sergeants, and other specialists, as well as Boyd in his boxers, but he didn’t catch a glimpse of any privates.

Though his footwear are sometimes called thongs, the army insists they be called flip-flops. If it was said that a soldier in his underwear was running around thong-clad, he could be court-martialed.

“Mild Punishment”

A federal appeals court ruled today that tobacco companies deliberately deceived consumers about the dangers of smoking, and they must remove all labels that say “light,” “mild,” or “low tar.” Sadly, knowing that these huge corporations and their lawyers lied to the public for so long only makes these untamed bad boys even sexier.

In a related story, they are so cool.

“Snail Tale”

A Salt Lake City boy is trying to get into the Guinness Book of World Records by trying to keep 43 live snails balanced on his face for at least 10 seconds. The boy may also set the record for the lowest number of friends.

The boy is sending video and news coverage of his stunt to Guinness this week, but it may be a while before they respond. That’s snail mail for you.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

“Golden State”

With most of his referendum initiatives defeated in this week’s vote, Governor Schwarzenegger is now scrambling with lawmakers to slash California’s budget by billions of dollars before state funds run dry. On the plus side, Schwarzenegger himself continues to be very, very rich.

California’s poor financial situation has led state leaders to ask the federal government assistance in the form of loan guarantees, similar to the help given to AIG Insurance and General Motors. So now we know what it’s like when the state is run like a business.

“Frank Not So Earnest”

Sara Lee, the parent of Ball Park Franks, is suing Kraft Foods’ Oscar Meyer over ad claims of superior taste and ‘pure’ ingredients. Sara Lee further states that the Oscar Meyer company is full of baloney.

Oscar Meyer counter-claims that they sell more hotdogs than any other brand, making them the biggest hot dog company in America. Proud of their own products, a spokesman for Ball Park insists that size doesn’t matter.

“Schools Outed”

In over 200 of Ireland’s Catholic schools, cruel treatment, random beatings, and sexual abuse was ignored by church officials and covered up by teachers and fearful students for decades, according to the report on a 9-year investigation. Students reaction to the report was, “Couldn’t you have hurried it up a little?”

“Up to Idol Speed”

In case you didn’t watch American Idol last night, Kris Allen won the title, beating the judges’ favorite, Adam Lambert. In a related story, spoiler alert.

Even though the show’s outcome was a surprise to many, the season might be more remembered for the all the winking, flirting, and hand-holding between Adam and Ryan Seacrest.

“Major Buzz-kill”

The U.S. Army is facing criticism for failing to discipline soldiers who test positive for substance abuse. Just like in civilian life, it seems that those who are found to be using drugs are just given a slap on the wrist, if they are willing to play ball.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

“Ida Known Better”

A 47-million year old primate fossil, said to be a possible missing link related to humans, has created a scientific sensation. This is partly because it is so complete scientists can guess ‘how did she die,’ and they even know her last meal. Pop-rocks and Coke. -Which likely answers the former question.

The skeleton, nicknamed ‘Ida,’ was a lemur-like creature that may be an ancient relative of higher primates that include primitive humanoids such as Neanderthals, Cro-Magnon man, and hillbillies.

“’Idol’ Chatter”

The media are praising this season’s American Idol finalists, Adam Lambert and Kris Allen, for bridging an urban-or-rural; conventional-or-alternative, and even straight-or-gay cultural gap. The chasm remains, however, between Idol fans and the rest-of-the-world-who-could-give-a-crap.

“Poison (Gas) Control”

After a years-long stalemate, the federal government, the state of California, and U.S. automakers agreed to a deal to cut auto emissions 30% by 2016. GM and Chrysler, on the verge of collapse anyway, also promised to give everybody in America a free puppy.

Democrats praised President Obama who had a large role in taking these steps against greenhouse gases. Rep. Edward Markey of Massachusetts said, the president “has solved the energy… policy equivalent of a Rubik’s Cube,” meaning a 10 year old should have been able to come to the solution in about 3 minutes – in 1983.

Right before President Obama announced a new emissions and fuel-economy agreement with American automakers, Ford almost pulled out of the deal after computing their costs. Fortunately, the White House got them to crunch the numbers again, but with an electric calculator instead of one powered by foreign oil.


High-tech airport security scanners are coming under fire for invading privacy, with citizens’ groups saying that the machines can see beneath clothes and are equal to a “virtual strip-searches.” It is unknown how legitimate the complaint is, since these see-through-anything scanners were found in an ad on the back page of a comic book.

“Movie Could Lead to Dancing”

The lead role in the movie remake of Footloose will be played by Chase Crawford of TV’s Gossip Girl, which also stars Blake Lively, from Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants with America Ferarra, star of Ugly Betty. Illeana Douglas, who was on Ugly Betty in a 3-episode arc, also had a major role in the film A Stir of Echoes… starring Kevin Bacon.
(For those counting, that’s four Degrees.)

Zac Efron was supposed to have the role, but dropped out because he didn’t want to be typed as a “musical” guy. So it was probably really smart for him to, after 2 High School Musical movies to do Hairspray and then another High School Musical.

Producers of the remake hope to keep the spirit of the original, because they really want to make a movie that, with the test of time, won’t seem good and will need to be remade.

Monday, May 18, 2009

“Fuel vs. Economy”

The Obama administration is announcing an overhaul of all auto emissions and fuel efficiency requirements to begin in 2012. Though critics say this will hurt the U.S. economy and kill the auto industry, it’s scientific fact that you get better mileage when steadily careening downhill.

“’American’/Woody Story”

Woody Allen has settled his lawsuit against clothing maker American Apparel for $5 million. The suit was over unauthorized billboard use of an image from of a Hasidic-costumed Allen from the film Annie Hall. Ironically, it’s the first picture with him in it to gain any attention in years.

“Big Dopes” or “Squeezing the Juicers” or “Pumped Up Downer”

All of the competitors at the Belgian national bodybuilding championship forfeit and left the building when drug testing officials made a last-minute surprise visit. Several of them even left Belgium and came back to America and their jobs in Major League Baseball.

In a related story, Pete Rose criticized the participants who were juicing, but then bet on them anyway.

The bodybuilders were dressed, oiled, and ready after preparing for months, but grabbed their gear and went out the door the minute the doping testers showed up. Those consistently using steroids were able to drop their wallets in their Speedos where their genitals used to take up the space.

Officials want to try drug testing hair samples gathered from some bodybuilders’ last minute shaving of chests and backs. And that’s just the female competitors.

Friday, May 15, 2009

“Bone China”

China is slated to open a new theme park in October called Love Land, centered on sexuality and the human body. The park will have giant genital sculpture and naked human statues. Also, the “You must be this big to ride” signs don’t measure height.

The park will have some other differences. For instance, instead of seatbelts, all the rides will have fuzzy handcuffs.

The theme park hopes to break down sexual stereotypes about China, but isn’t doing itself any favors with the ride “It’s a Small World.”

In this park, the Ferris Wheel and the Tilt-A-Whirl aren’t rides, they are positions.

People with a heart condition are required to sign a waiver before they are allowed to buy a ‘Ride All Day’ pass.

In the park, they have lots of places to eat out. But no food or drink are allowed.

The sex themed park hopes to teach some lessons that apply to real relationships. For example, if you spring for the more expensive bracelet, you get quicker access to the best parts.

“Spit Take”

Researchers are developing a new test to detect diabetes from saliva, which would eliminate the need for needle drawn blood samples. Clinical studies show promise, and patients who have diabetes or are at risk are just drooling.

“Guys’re Guilty”

Two concession workers at Yellowstone National Park were fired for urinating into the Old Faithful geyser. Even still, eyewitnesses to the event were pissed.

In his defense, one of the young men fired said, “Well, it’s called ‘Yellow’ stone.”

The employees were caught in the act and identified because they were picked up on the park’s live web video on the Internet. Before long, everyone online saw the stream.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

“Ginger for your Ail”

A new study by the National Cancer Institute found that among chemotherapy patients who suffered from nausea, most reported that they got at least some relief from their symptoms from ginger. The rest reported that they got relief from Mary Ann.

Ginger has been used as a folk remedy for nausea for centuries, this is among the first of scientific studies to test a homeopathic treatment. Traditionally, Western medicine has been demonstratively homeo-phobic.

The ginger also had no significant side effects, though some complained of a cleansed palette.

The study pleased both doctors and patients, but offended some freckled redheads.

“Hubble, Hubble, Toil and Trouble”

Complications occurred on a spacewalk to the Hubble telescope today, when the Wide Field Planetary Camera 2, which has been in place for 15 years, had a stuck bolt and wouldn’t come out. Science fans suspect a Romulan plot to change history.

Astronauts from the Space Shuttle Atlantis successfully replaced old cameras with new, more powerful ones on the Hubble telescope, as part of a mission to get Star Trek nerds minds’ back on real science.

The new cameras will be able to look even farther back in time than the old ones, enabling the astronauts to reconsider their careers as glorified janitors and maintenance workers in space.

“Vacation Fever!” or “Last Resort”

Coastal resorts in Mexico are trying to win back business in wake off the swine flu scare, by offering a deal where, if you catch the H1N1 virus in Mexico, and can prove it, they will give you 3 vacations there for free. Or, if the circumstances call for it, the resort will provide VIP, first class accommodations for the hotel guest’s funeral.

This promotion is not for everyone. For some, travel can be a real headache, accompanied by chills, body aches, coughing, and sneezing.

No one knows yet if this kind of promotion will be a success, but the idea does sound contagious.

The hotel will even throw in free cocktails and recommends their signature liquor, called NyQuill.

“Board in Class”

Across the country, chess is making a comeback in classrooms, primarily because teachers see the game as a way to get students to sharpen critical thinking skills. And here is America, kids need healthy hobbies to prepare them for unemployment.

Learning chess offers many practical lessons. For instance, for chess nerds, they may think they know all the moves, but it’s still hard for them to mate.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

“Picture Snap” or "Candid Remarks""

President Obama declared Wednesday that despite a court ordered release, he would attempt to block the release of photos showing Iraqi and Afghani prisoner abuse. Obama says that the images would be damaging to the U.S. in world opinion. In the pictures, for instance, none of the Americans are smiling and their hair looks terrible.

Obama further stated that the pictures have already served their purpose as evidence against those responsible for prisoners’ mistreatment. The president feels that the best way to handle the photos now is to allow at least one roll of re-shoots with better lighting.

“Tobacco Gets Smoked in N.C.” or “Cigarettes Burned”

North Carolina’s state legislature approved a ban on smoking in bars and restaurants this week. Bars are worried about losses in revenue, but restaurants will save money on hostesses whose only job was to greet patrons with, “Smoking on non?”

32 other states already have such bans or have voted to enact them by next year, but North Carolina’s vote is significant because that state is the top tobacco grower in the country. So this is ban is a big step forward in “Do as I say, not as I do” governing.

“A Spoonful of Medicine”

The FDA has warned General Mills that labeling on Cheerios boxes suggests the cereal can reduce the risk of heart disease by lowering cholesterol, and only FDA-approved drugs can make that claim. If they don’t change the labeling, General Mills could be busted in rank down to Colonel.

If their package wording is considered misleading, and someone’s death resulted, the company could be charged as cereal killers.

“Ink and Faint” or “A Needle Thread”

A rising number of people are getting tattoos as a way to alert emergency personnel of a medical condition, such as diabetes. The trend may be helpful, and may even save a life, but there are some conditions that won’t be helped with a tattoo, such as “fear of needles.”

There is also the risk of health complications where tattooing is concerned, particularly in the case of the woman who immediately regretted getting her “allergic to ink” tattoo.

Medic alert bracelets and necklaces have been around for years, but now the body art industry has a chance to help in the cause. This, of course, is after the failed prototype, the “hemophiliac” body piercing jewelry.

“One Paragraph Sentence” or “Virginia Slick”

A man who escaped from prison in Virginia 27 years ago was caught on Wednesday in Georgia. All those years he lived in a trailer in northern Georgia, occasionally doing maintenance and odd jobs in the trailer park for cash. Officials commended him for having forced himself to live all that time in sub-prison conditions.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

“Pontiff’s Tiff” or “Two Wrongs Don’t Make a Reich”

The Vatican defended Pope Benedict XVI today, as critics of his trip to Israel brought up his membership in the Hitler Youth and the Nazi army. The Vatican says that as a youngster in Germany, he was forced to join but was not a willing participant. Still, many Jews in Israel are mistrusting of the Pope, especially since he seems to be mocking them by wearing that yarmulke.

Before the subject of the Pope’s German roots even came up, the Vatican said that it hoped that harsh speech would “not damage the mission of the Holy Father.” Benedict, however, just wants to get back to the Holy Fatherland.

“Trashy Movie”

In St Louis, MO this week, a woman found a script for the Twilight movie sequel, New Moon in a trash bin outside a hotel, close to a shooting locatiob for the film. No one knows how the scripts wound up there, but before a new movie comes out, it is usually the job of bloggers to trash it.

When asked if he his client had a role in the upcoming film, Oscar the Grouch’s publicist would not comment.

Monday, May 11, 2009

“Special Education”

Last week, President Obama announced plans to assist unemployed Americans with furthering their education, and this week the government launched the information website, at Ironically, most unemployed people have had to hock their computers.

The president’s plan is designed for this difficult economy. For example, the government is sponsoring literacy classes so that underprivileged Americans can spell correctly on their cardboard signs.

The government’s new plan will increase the Pell grant maximum by $500, making it possible for more college graduates than ever to remain unemployed.

“Pope Culture”

Pope Benedict XVI gave a speech in Israel Monday saying that it was right to honor the 6 million Jewish victims of the Holocaust, and to pray that no such crime against humanity would be seen again. In a related story, Mel Gibson denied that there was a pope or that he went in Israel.

During his 8-day visit, the pontiff will also visit Bethlehem and Nazareth, meet with state and religious leaders, and of course, wear a funny hat.

“Paying for Sex (Ed)”

The Obama administration’s new budget will change funding for sex education, with more money going towards pregnancy prevention and less for teaching abstinence-only. The shift reflects studies that say the no-sex-until-marriage message in public schools hasn’t worked, at least, not between students and their teachers.

First and foremost, teens will see that new educator ground rules are getting laid. And vice versa.

Since one of the goals of the new programs is to delay teenagers having sex, they hope to keep the teens’ parents in the room at all times.

Since future funding may depend on their success at preventing or delaying teens from having unprotected sex, the programs will try to only include nerds.

Friday, May 8, 2009

“New Enterprise” or “Live Long, Prosper”

The new Star Trek movie opens Friday, and early box office and reviews indicate at big hit for Paramount and J.J. Abrams. By taking the franchise to a wider, mainstream audience, it’s the first time people have gone to a Star Trek movie and then gotten laid.

It seems that Star Trek’s fan base has grown beyond the science-fiction-fan stereotype. In a possibly related story, the economy has gotten so bad that now everybody is living in their parents’ basements.

“Mother Load”

Sunday is Mother’s Day, a day for children to show their appreciation for all the love and support from their moms. Or, in the case of the Octomaom’s kids, the love and support from their nannies.

“Baseman Loaded” or “Using Streak”

L.A. Dodgers star player Manny Ramirez was suspended for 50 games by major League Baseball, over the use of performance-enhancing drugs. Ramirez maintains that, thanks to performance enhancing drugs, he could complete 50 games straight in about 3 days.

Now that the popular Ramirez has had to admit to using a banned substance, recent precedent suggests that his next move will be to sleep with Madonna.

Manny will spend his time away from baseball dealing with the shame by driving one of his fancy sports cars back to his giant mansion.

“Bear Facts”

Interior Secretary Ken Salazar is not changing a Bush administration rule limiting the protection of polar bears, who were declared a threatened species a year ago. President Barack Obama addressed the issue saying, “Sure, we can do more for polar bears… as soon as you show me one that isn’t white."
"If polar bears want to continue segregation in 2009, I’ll show them a threatened species.”

“Playing Doctor”

Celebrated musician and philanthropist Dolly Parton received an honorary doctorate from the University of Tennessee in Knoxville on Friday. It’s ironic that she could be called ‘Doctor,’ since Dolly is obviously more equipped for nursing.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

“(Pill) Pop ‘Idol””

Paula Abdul told Ladies Home Journal that she quit painkillers last year after a 12 year cycle of addiction. She used a 12 step program to overcome it. Unfortunately, all 12 steps involved just taking different painkillers.

Paula is glad to have beaten her addiction, but she also feels that the addiction is so talented and unique and special that she wishes it could win, too.

“Santa Barb-eque”

The Santa Barabara area was hit by wildfires that began yesterday (Wednesday), with over 13,000 people evacuated from over 5400 homes. Making matters worse, despite hours of news agencies’ continuous video footage, no celebrities at all were seen.

Governor Schwarzenegger declared a state of emergency, as wind fanned the flames too high and to hot to even attempt a containment lines. Since it was too dangerous for firefighters to do anything, the governor also decided to save state emergency money and not pay them.

The cause of the fires is unknown and it is too early to know if they will become a more serious threat, so the media has dubbed them ‘swine fires.’

“Allah-aloha”or “Mecca-Kahuna”

The Hawaii state Senate passed a bill yesterday declaring September 24, 2009 as “Islam Day” in the state. The bill passed by a wide majority, which is not surprising since the U.S. Constitution says nothing about separation between Mosque and State.

This will be quite a holiday season in Hawaii this year since – and this is true – September 24 is right between the Jewish High holidays of Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur. Hope the pagans don’t have to miss it, while sleeping off their Autumnal Equinox celebration.

Christians, who won’t want to feel left out, can A. Join in on Islam Day, B. Make up their own new holiday, or C. Impose their values on all of Western culture as the ruling majority.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

“Gay Marriage Goes Maine-stream”

Maine has become the 5th state to allow gay marriage. Massachusetts and Vermont already allow gay marriage, and New Hampshire is likely to send a bill to the governor. New England leaders have filled roles as fathers of our country since colonial times. Just fathers, though; no mothers.

Maine and Iowa now have something in common besides mandatory overalls.

“The Critical and the Hypocritical” or “Abstinence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder”

Bristol Palin, Sarah Palin’s 19-year-old daughter, told Good Morning America that she thinks abstinence from sex is the safest and best choice for teenagers. She also thinks that all teens should have their opinions prepared for them in writing by their mother or their mother’s staff.

Bristol and ex-fiancee Levi Johnson have a four-month old son, Tripp, named after Sarah Palin’s unique style of answering interview questions.

“Printed Press”

In a rare interview this week, Warren Buffett said that he believes that the one industry that cannot come back at this point is the newspaper business. In a related story, USA Today featured a story on Wednesday about men who wear eyeliner. So Buffett’s right.

“Taking Pot Shots”

The San Francisco Chronicle reports that Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger said that he is open to debate the subject of legalizing marijuana to create tax revenue. He’s also keenly aware that you gotta be high to watch most of his early movies.

“Hogging the Spotlight”

America’s pork producers have launched a new ad campaign in answer to people’s fears brought on by the swine flu. The new slogan is “Pork is safe,” and was chosen over “Pork won’t kill you” or “Swine and Dine.”

Over the false assumption that the flu virus is spread by eating pork, rather than through the air, they came up with “Swine flu from pork? -When pigs fly.”

Just to be on the safe side, however, Joe Biden still won’t ride on a subway with anyone eating a ham sandwich.

The beef industry is taking advantage of the fear to boost their own business, modifying their slogan to, “Beef. It’s what’s for dinner – unless you want swine flu to kill you.”

The poultry industry is afraid to get in the middle of the conflict, perhaps because they’re chicken.

Vegetarians don’t have a slogan because they are too busy rallying for gay marriage.

“Jail Birds” or “Fly Birds Fly”

On Tuesday a man named Sony Dong was charged with smuggling exotic songbirds into the country from Viet Nam after being caught at LAX, hiding them in his pants. Inspectors became suspicious when they heard whistles and hooting, and that was just from women noticing the bulge in his pants.

If his plans were to sit the birds on his testicles, they weren’t good ones to hatch.

The birds themselves were assured witness protection in exchange for their testimony, whereupon they started singing like canaries.

Officials tried to remove the birds from the man’s pants without any injuries, so each time they reached in, they tried to avoid the pecker.

Mr. Dong had an accomplice in Orange County, who was also arrested. His name is Duc Le, and he is believed to be Dong’s wing man.

Dong has tried to smuggle similar birds before and either failed or been caught. So one thing is for sure; Mr. Dong should change his name.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009


A federal report released this week says that as of 2006, the use of anti-depressant and anti-psychotic drugs for seniors had doubled over the previous 10 years. This means that today’s youth could be completely deprived of being traumatized by crazy old people.

Asked about their own feelings on the subject, a group of elderly people said they just felt numb.

Legislation and steps in the private sector have made it easier for seniors to get prescriptions for anti-depressants and similar strong medications. In a related story, Paula Abdul can’t wait to get old.

“Facing the Public”

Connie Culp, the first woman in the U.S. to undergo a complete face transplant after being shot 5 years ago, revealed her new face today. She has made an amazing recovery, with her children and grandchildren by her side. She can once again live a normal life, except the grandkids aren’t allowed to play, “Got Your Nose.”

The public has shown terrific support over Ms. Culp’s inspiring story, except Michael Jackson and Joan Rivers who are extremely jealous.

“Broadcast Not-cast”

The CW television network is canceling all future programming for Sunday nights, becoming a strictly Monday to Friday network. The decision was made due to: poor ratings, drops in ad revenue, and mainly because the whole network wants to just stay home and watch The Simpsons and Family Guy.

“Oh, Marie”

Marie Osmond has a new book out, entitled Might As Well Laugh About It Now, in which she talks about slimming down by 45-lb and her life as a mother. She has 8 children. Marie was certainly no stranger to weight loss, since she’s spent her entire adult life dropping 7 or 8 pounds at a time out of her vagina.

Monday, May 4, 2009

“‘Rehab’ Singer Rehash”

Amy Winehouse collapsed and was taken to the hospital near her St. Lucia island home. The event was considered unusual and noteworthy by absolutely nobody.

Both fans and non-fans acknowledged the news with the exact same rolling of the eyes.

Keep an eye out for next month’s Amy Winehouse article, something related to drugs-and-court, followed the next month by another drugs-and-hospital story, and so on and so on.

“Finers' Keepers”

Following last week’s Supreme Court ruling in favor of the FCC’s fines for expletives, the high court has also upheld the $550,000 against CBS for the Janet Jackson Superbowl flashing . If you saw Janet’s breast during that halftime show, you know that ruling isn’t the only thing that needs help being upheld.

Since the court is seeking consistency for the FCC’s regulation over obscene language and actions, the ruling is being seen as tit for tat.

Friday, May 1, 2009

“Judge Not”

Supreme Court Justice David Souter has said that he will retire in June. Appointed by the elder President Bush in 1990, Souter was expected to vote conservatively in the high court, but has consistently voiced liberal points of view. Upon retiring, Republicans predict that Souter will party down with his hippie friends for a summer of love.

People often forget what an important element the Supreme Court is in the system of checks and balances. Conservatives have been upset, too, saying that lately, the federal government has done nothing but write checks, and nothing balances.

With Souter leaving in June, the Supreme Court will have only 8 out of 9 justices working, matching June’s national projected unemployment rate of 11%.

Once Souter steps down, two important things will happen. President Obama will appoint his replacement, and then, once he or she is confirmed, they will do new group pictures for all the merchandise in the Supreme Court gift shop.

“Lasting Impression”

Award-winning Las Vegas voice impersonator Danny Gans unexpectedly died in his sleep at home Thursday night. He was only 52. The popular entertainer will spend next week doing his new Bea Arthur impression.

“Queen to Castle, Check, Mate”

In England, a couple having a picnic in the park grounds that surround Windsor Castle, home to Queen Elizabeth II, got drunk and began having sex until police arrived to arrest them. Despite the fact that they were having sex, the couple is believed to be British.

A theory suggests their romp began when the woman said to the man that she wanted to see the royal jewels.

The queen was home at the time, according to reports, but did not join in.

“Party Pooper”

Pennsylvania Senator Arlen Spector has changed political parties, switching from Republican to Democrat. Describing the change as “painful,” Spector is not one to take change lightly, evidenced by the fact that he’s gone his entire life without changing his first name from ‘Arlen.”

Spector, age 79, is a five-term senator, and some political analysts see his switch as a major loss to the Republicans. Others, however, say it’s no big deal, since the GOP still has plenty more old white guys.