Wednesday, June 30, 2010

“The Psychiatrists Are ‘In’”

According to a national physician recruiting firm, the fastest growing need in medical specialties is for psychiatrists. Thousands more are needed. And that’s just for Gary Busey.

Patients all over the country are requesting psychiatric services. Apparently, there is a crazy demand.


Verizon Wireless will reportedly begin to offer Apple’s iPhone in January, 2011. In reaction, AT&T executives plan to switch to Verizon.

Many AT&T subscribers are not yet aware of this news, because they’re iPhone keeps dropping the calls.

“King of Late Night”

CNN’s Larry King Live will end this fall after 25 years. Larry made the announcement on Twitter. Fans, of course, were shocked. Not that the show is ending; that Larry can use Twitter.

Larry says it was his choice to step down. He loves doing the show, but he is sick to death of the suspenders.

“Nuts to a Ban”
The U.S. Transportation Department says that a ban on peanuts as an in-flight snack cannot be considered without scientific proof that peanut allergic passengers suffer from risk of exposure. The dismissal of a possible ban is a relief to the airlines, the peanut companies, and especially, frequent flying elephants.

“Ferris Beuller (Star Is a Bit) Off”
Actor Jeffrey Jones, most famous as the principal in Ferris Beuller’s Day Off, is facing felony charges for failing to update his registration as a sex offender. In retrospect, he never should have boarded that school bus at the end of the movie.

Here’s the problem with a guy like Jones: “He gives good kids bad ideas.”

Friday, June 25, 2010

"Shakin' Canadians' Bacon"

On Wednesday, Ottawa, Canada was hit with a magnitude 5.0 earthquake. Though it was similar in magnitude to recent quakes in the United States, the Canadian version was more bland, but had better manners.

"Science Loused Up"

Scientists in Maryland recently sequenced the body louse genome. Said a scientist, “ If we can learn more about the make-up of the louse, it might allow Sandra Bullock to better understand Jesse James' behavior.”

"Royal Engagement"

Last Tuesday, Prince Albert of Monaco announced he is engaged to his girlfriend. British baby-boomers are happy for him, but Generation-Y Americans were shocked to learn that Price Albert was anything more than penis jewelry.

"Cereal Number"

Kellogs has recalled 28 million boxes of Apple Jacks, Corn Pops, Froot Loops, and Honey Smacks cereals, because people reported getting nauseous from them. Of course, if anyone ate all 4 types one after the other, they’re just smoking too much pot.

Customers reported an unusual smell or flavor from the packages’ liners. Advised company spokesman Toucan Sam, “Follow your nose. It always knows.”

Kellogg’s suspects an inside job, since Rice Krispies have been unusually quiet.

Kellogg’s personnel failed to meet to discuss the problem, but they are all a bunch of flakes.

If any deaths result from this problem, police will be looking for a cereal killer.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

“Gaga Gaffe”

While walking through Heathrow airport in London yesterday, Lady Gaga tripped in her platform heels and fell flat on the floor. Fashion devotees were worried, but luckily, the shoes were not harmed.

Lady Gaga was unhurt, but it was revealed for the first time that she is really only 2 feet tall.

There were some who were concerned, because if she broke her leg in such an accident, the only humane thing would be to shoot her dead.

Dunce Cap & Gown Ceremony”

In Victorville, CA, a kindergarten graduation ceremony was ended abruptly when parents attending got into a brawl.

Many Victorville parents had become emotional at the ceremony, which is understandable, since most of them never got this far in their education.

No arrests were made, but several parents were ordered to sit in a corner.

The valedictorian was disappointed that she didn’t get to give her speech comparing the struggles of kindergarten to the plot of Toy Story 3.

On the plus side, no one had to sit through the nursery rhyme medley.

“Multi Cell Study”

A United Kingdom study found no rise in cancer rates for children who live near cell towers or mothers who lived near them while pregnant. The children in the study told their addresses before being screened for cancer and fetuses in the womb texted them.

“Capping the Tap”

BP was able to re-attach the cap stopping the flow of oil in the Gulf spill late Wednesday. But then, as a joke, they shook up the pipe so the oil will shoot out all over whoever removes the cap next.

“Waving the Flagstaff”

Residents were evacuated due to a raging wildfire in Flagstaff Arizona yesterday. But they were allowed to return to their homes once the state came up with its plan to smother the fire by throwing illegal aliens on it.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

“The Sitch’s Stiches”

Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino from MTV’s Jersey Shore will be launching his own clothing line in July, consisting of T-shirts, sweatshirts, and accessories. The shirts will be uncomfortable by design to give guidos an excuse to pull them off to show their abs.

The most popular accessories are expected to be bandanas, jewelry, and the like. The least popular accessory: Snookie.

“Media Whore”,0,5650381.story?track=rss

Former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer is set to co-host a new prime-time program on CNN with columnist Kathleen Parker. Of Parker, a Pulitzer Prize winning columnist, Spitzer says he is really looking forward to having sex with her.

Spitzer is relatively new to television, but has gotten used to having his voice recorded.

The former governor signed on because CNN promised the show would feature provocative, oral intercourse.

“Shattered McChrystal”

President Obama appointed Gen. David Petraeus to replace Gen. Stanley McChrystal as commander of Afghanistan forces today, over things McChrystal said in a Rolling Stone magazine interview. Apparently, the general forgot that “Don’t ask, don’t tell” hasn’t been revoked yet.

Obama said that the removal of Gen. Stanley McChrystal’s wasn’t personal. He just felt the Afghanistan forces couldn’t to be led by a guy with a wimpy name than “Stanley.”

“A Simba Plan” or “Roar of Protest”

A Mesa, AZ eatery is serving burgers made of lion meat for a special event, sparking outrage from animal lovers. A counter-protest in being organized by a herd of wildebeests and zebras.

Neither side will give in. Both admit it’s a matter of pride.

Instead of a fork and knife, they serve your meal with a chair and whip.

In a related story, MGM reported that their mascot is missing.

To catch the lions, the only bait that was used was… courage.

In the interim, the baboon Rafiki will be the acting King of the Jungle.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

“Can’t Mess with Texas”

The U.S. Census Bureau says that Texas cities continued to have growth even through the worst months of the recession in 2008 and 2009. That’s because Texas is mostly stuck in 1962.

“Party Foul”

A Saudi court has convicted 14 young adults and 1 minor of mingling with the opposite sex at a party. All will receive lashes, and all except the minor will go to prison. But even for her, it will feel like prison.

“Fremont Not So Free”

Fremont, Nebraska has voted to ban hiring or renting to illegal aliens. The ban may spark a boycott of Fremont, which all of America has already been unknowingly doing.

The ban may mean other casualties in Fremont. Already the first to suffer are housekeeping, gardening, and pool maintenance.

Nebraska has seen a large increase in illegal immigrants in recent years. To three.

“General Comments”

General Stanley McChrystal, the top commander in Afghanistan, may be in serious trouble for making disparaging remarks about President Obama in an interview with Rolling Stone magazine. For starters, he may be sent back to Afghanistan.

“A Feud about Nothing”

Jerry Seinfeld called Lady Gaga “a jerk” after she was seated in his unoccupied stadium box after she made a scene at a Mets game. How do you choose sides in a Seinfeld/Gaga feud? One is the funniest guy in show business, and the other is Jerry Seinfeld.

The Mets have apologized to Jerry, and Jason Alexander is already hard at work on a revenge scheme involving Yankee Stadium.

Lady gaga was moved after complaining she was too close to photographers in the front row where she had been sitting. She was in her underwear in front of thousands of fans, so you can be sure she didn’t want the attention.

“Need a Lift”

50-year-old Lisa Fisco is training to try to become the oldest female weight-lifter to ever compete in the Olympics. She can power lift over 200 lbs. Even if she doesn’t make the team, she will still have set a world record for women’s uncontrollable urination.

Monday, June 21, 2010

“Oil Arena”

A new estimate says that despite all of the media hype, the amount of BP’s spilled oil in the gulf would not fill the Superdome. That’s because the Superdome isn’t in the gulf.

This news is having one positive effect. Birds by the thousands are leaving the gulf and flocking to the Superdome.

No comment as of yet from the Houston Oilers.

“Dread the Needle”

A Barnard College study says that Botox patients may not only show less emotion after taking the ejections, but the emotions themselves may be dulled. Predictably, Botox users didn’t look the least bit worried.

Those using extreme amounts of Botox injections, however, are paralyzed with fear.

“Bomber’s Away”

Faisal Shahzad, who attempted to blow up an SUV packed with explosives near a Braodway theatre in New York City, pleaded guilty to all charges today, saying he was a Muslim soldier fighting a war. Said a theatre-goer, “Honey, the only war here is between the Jets and the Sharks.”

“Cave In”

A group of California middle-school students participating n an Arizona State University program discovered a cave on Mars by using a NASA camera in orbit of the planet. This raises big scientific questions, such as, how spoiled are these kids?

“Coral Reefer Band to Toast Coast”

Jimmy Buffett and some of his friends announced that they will play a free concert on the Alabama coast to show their support for the people of the Gulf Coast on July 1. The short notice should still give people enough time to get to a safe distance away.

At the show, in the spirit of the current crisis, fans are dipping their live parrots in oil.

“Domestic Policy”

An investigation has revealed that Nashville police dropped thousands of domestic violence investigations per year since 2005. And if they know what’s good for them, they will keep their mouths shut.

The police explained that these weren’t really instances of domestic violence. All the cops just happened to walk into the corners of their squad car doors; it was just an accident.

“The ‘Ice-Man’ Cometh”

Val Kilmer says he will appear to answer to a San Miguel County, NM commission who are upset that the actor for allegedly badmouthing the county. Kilmer was not charged or detained, but he still let himself go.

Kilmer expects the dialogue with the commission to be tense, but when they all take off their shirts for beach volleyball, it will become downright weirdly homoerotic.

Friday, June 18, 2010

“Texas: Hold ‘Em” or “Spaghetti ,Western”

Campbell’s recalled about 15 million pounds of SpaghettiOs with meatballs from a Texas plant on Friday. The product inside the cans accidentally included small amounts of nutrients.

Apparently, some of the O’s looked more like zeros.

The company was concerned about some meatballs from the processing plant, but enough about the management team.

“Fast Eddie”

Hartford, Connecticut’s mayor, Eddie Perez, resigned from office today after being convicted of corruption charges. Critics were appalled that he quit right after being convicted. Had he waited to be fired, he could have collected unemployment.

Rod Blagojevich says he is ready to step in.

“Oprah’s Star”

The Hollywood Chamber of Commerce announced Thursday that Oprah Winfrey will be honored with a star on Hollywood’s Walk of Fame. Oprah’s star will cover from Hollywood and Vine to Melrose and Highland.

A gracious Oprah has since agreed not to crush the Hollywood Chamber of Commerce.

NASA warns that there is a risk that Oprah’s star may swallow our own.


On Wednesday, the FDA said that a drug attempting to be a female equivalent of Viagra failed to increase sexual desire in women. Many of the women testing the pill were asked to swallow it, but they wanted to spit it out or just let it land on their chest.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

“Rush to Swing”

The Golf Channel announced Thursday that Hank Haney, Tiger Woods’ former swing coach, will now be instructing Rush Limbaugh. As a result, Limbaugh, will be getting a lot of tail.

Haney will have his work cut out for him, since Limbaugh hooks everything to the extreme right.

Limbaugh wants to work on his drives, but anybody who takes one look at Rush thinks, “putz.”

In appearing on Haney’s Golf Channel program, it will be the first time in his career that the controversy-prone Rush will be forced to go down the fairway.

“Easy Pill to Swallow”

An FDA health panel voted to approve a new morning-after pill shown to be effective at preventing pregnancy up to 5 days after having sex. This is great news for single women and John Edwards.

This pill is already approved for Europe, and South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford.

This pill will also be a big hit with popular Hollywood entertainers who have a lot of hot opportunities. Like Betty White.

“Lines of Offense”

The California legislature is sent a bill to Gov. Schwarzenegger to restrict sex offenders from living within half a mile of their victim’s home. Opponents of the bill question the wisdom of giving apartment-hunting child molesters their victim’s address and a map.

If the governor signs the bill, child molesters are expected to learn to triangulate their attacks and become better at local geography.

“Welling Up”

The House Subcommittee on Oversight and investigations questioned the CEO of BP, Tony Hayward, blasting BP for safety violations, cutting corners, and failure to stop the oil leak. Hayward said he was deeply sorry, and then cried millions of gallons of tears made of oil.

Hayward had hoped to grease the politicians.

“Chess Match” or “Mate for Life” or “Spawn or Pawn?”

An Icelandic court is allowing the exhumation of the late, troubled chess genius Bobby Fischer to determine if he was the biological father of a 9-year-old. The results won’t be known for some time, but the little girl is already thinking six moves ahead.

Fischer left no will, so his estate is still in an ongoing dispute. At the moment, the participants are at a stale-mate.

If the little girl does turn out to be Fischer’s daughter, the court will have to turn his castle over.

DNA testing should provide definitive answers, but even that is not always as simple as black and white.

There definitely was a relationship between Fischer and the young girl’s mother, but she had a checkered past.

“Playing Hardball”

A church league women’s softball team was banned from playing after officials learned that their coach is a lesbian. The church figured out that the woman was gay because she was on a softball team.

“Han No Longer Flying Solo”

Harrison Ford wed Calista Flockhart over the weekend. When the bride came down the aisle, the best man was blocking, forcing her to exclaim, “Will someone get this walking carpet out of my way?”

The wedding gave Steven Spielberg an idea for his next collaboration with Ford: Indiana Jones and the Digger of Gold.

Calista, one of the stars of the hit TV drama, Brothers & Sisters, is excited about her new project, Daddy Issues.

Harrison looked dashing in a black suit and Calista never looked better than in a white lace umbrella cover.

Bridesmaids included Calista’s former cast-mates from Ally McBeal and C3PO.

The reception was attended by many of the bride’s and groom’s old friends. The only awkward moment: Yoda hooking up with the Dancing Baby.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

“Rat Tunnels” or “Rodent Tracks”

New York City’s health department has sought the advice of a rodent expert to determine why rats seem to prefer many specific city subway platforms. It turns out, rats love to get mugged.

Also, most of the time, rats can’t afford a taxi.

The Metropolitan Transportation Authority wants to get rid of these pests, unless they bought a token to ride.

The rats have no trouble surviving in subway conditions, especially if they can play the guitar and have a case in which to collect donations.

With subways filled with litter and graffiti, these rats hope tone day be able to move to a cleaner area, like the sewers.

While millions of rats scavenge through Manhattan daily, at night they commute to the outer boroughs where they live.

The rats are not afraid of anything, except in certain neighborhoods that are controlled by particularly tough street gangs of cats.

A Subway spokesman named Jared smiled and encouraged everyone to “Eat fresh.”

“Gay Law”

A lawyer involved in the federal trial over California’s same-sex marriage ban says that California’s treatment of gay marriage denies gays certain basic rights. Such as divorce.

The lawyer is trying to protect lawyers rights to get paid for writing pre-nuptial agreements, handle legal separations, settle property disputes, and other billable services.


Starbucks announced that, starting July 1, all their stores will have free wireless Internet. The connection will be fast and reliable, but many will find it bitter and tasting like it's burned.

“Urban Art” or “Performance Art”

Tomorrow, as part of a new public art project, the city of New York will put 60 pianos on the streets. The artist previously tried this in San Francisco, but all the pianos rolled away, causing $18 million in damage.

“Kill Osama bin Laden”

An American man in Pakistan claiming to be on a mission to kill Osama bin Laden was arrested Tuesday. This gave U.S. intelligence an idea: get Osama bin Laden to say he’s trying to kill Osama bin Laden and then he’ll be taken into custody.

Bin Laden is believed to be hiding near the Afghan-Pakistani border. Despite a $25 million reward offered by the U.S., there have been no serious leads. On the upside, however, Pakistan really appreciates the tourism.

If a TV movie or mini-series is ever made about the man and his single mission, it could, apparently, last over 9 years.

“The Doctor Is In”

Michael Jackson’s former doctor, Conrad Murray has been allowed by a California judge to keep his medical license. But if the judge loses sleep over that decision, he knows who not to call.

His medical license number is 007.

Since he can practice medicine again, Dr. Murray hopes to open an office with Dr. Jack Kevorkian.

Dr. Murray is allowed to practice medicine, but he is restricted from prescribing or administering anesthetics like propofol. In fact, if you go to his house, the judge advises that you don’t even drink the Kool-aid.

“Gary Coleman’s Last Firing” or “Char-Coleman”

Gary Coleman is to be cremated this week, as was stipulated in his will. His ashes will then be gathered into a pixie stick.

All the recent drama about the Diff'rent Strokes star’s death, estate handling, and final wishes will soon be spun off into a Facts of Life cremation.

“Kill Osama bin Laden”

An American man in Pakistan claiming to be on a mission to kill Osama bin Laden was arrested Tuesday. This gave U.S. intelligence an idea: get Osama bin Laden to say he’s trying to kill Osama bin Laden and then he’ll be taken into custody.

Bin Laden is believed to be hiding somewhere near the Afghan-Pakistani border. Despite a $25 million reward offered by the U.S., there have been no serious leads from would-be captors. On the upside, however, Pakistan really appreciates the tourism.

If a TV movie or mini-series is ever made about the man and his single mission, it could, apparently, last over 9 years.

Monday, June 14, 2010

“The 'Ignoring the Coast’ Line”

A BP call center operator admitted that calls to the company’s oil clean-up hotline are not forwarded to anyone at the corporate offices. BP said anyone bothered by that is welcome to call their oil clean-up hotline.

Many of hose calling to complain have done so under the assumption that the squeaky wheel gets the grease. But BP is making sure everything in the Gulf is going to get greasy.

President Obama is confident that BP is busy trying to solve the crisis, because every time he calls Tony Hayward, the line is busy.

“Gripping News”

Upon being confronted on camera by two young men claiming to be student journalists, Congressman Bob Etheridge knocked the camera from one and grabbed the other by his wrist and neck. Etheridge says he was just exercising his Constitutional right to kick ass.

The Congressman insists that even if he beat up the students, no harm was really done, because now everyone is going to have access to healthcare.

Etheridge figured that instead of volleying with these would-be journalists, he’d just wrestle them.

Etheridge has apologized for his treatment of the two young men and their camera, and his excuse was that he has been watching a lot of Sean Penn movies.

To help him relax, the Congressman plans to take up golf. At least, he muttered something about keeping a bag of clubs in his car.

Etheridge’s actions caught on video are not typical of members of Congress. Specifically, he didn’t do anything gay.

The scuffle began after one of the young man asked Etheridge if he supported Obama’s agenda. Since this brought about a violent outburst, Republicans are insisting Obama be impeached.

“Radiation Getting the Treatment” or “What Radiates with the Public?”

Doctors are saying that Americans are getting overexposure to radiation, but it is not coming from our most common electronics devices, but mostly from medical tests such as X-rays. Or so Television would like you to believe.

When tested for radiation most Americans who have had extensive rounds of X-Rays have been found to have glowing results.

“Dead Kennedys”;_ylt=AuZfXlVRuCtVdVqZZBDuSnwSq594;_ylu=X3oDMTM4aXBtN3V1BGFzc2V0A2FwLzIwMTAwNjE1L3VzX2tlbm5lZHlfZmJpX2ZpbGUEY2NvZGUDbW9zdHBvcHVsYXIEY3BvcwM0BHBvcwM0BHNlYwN5bl90b3Bfc3RvcmllcwRzbGsDZmJpZmlsZXNob3dz

Newly released FBI documents reveal that the late Ted Kennedy had been the subject of death threats multiple times over his life, following his brothers John and Robert’s assassinations. But a wife says a lot of crazy things when she catches you cheating.

The FBI says that there were several credible threats of assassination, but none were ever carried out. Just another example of Teddy not living up to his older brothers.

Kennedy’s file gives the impression he was in almost constant danger. Maybe that’s what made him such a chick magnet.

Friday, June 11, 2010


Volkswagen is recalling 16,000 Routan minivans over a fire concern inside sliding door latches. Also, if you have a Volkswagen minibus, there may be a fire concern if you drop that lit joint, so be safe; use a roach clip.

Volkwagen recalled the vans voluntarily. No injuries have been reported, but the German company would have a PR nightmare if anyone burned inside something they constructed, especially if they were Jewish.

“Sorry Saudi”

In Saudi Arabia, a man was sentenced to 4 months in prison and 90 lashes for kissing a woman at a shopping mall. Ironically, in prison the man will engage in worse things than kissing.

In Suadi Arabia, public kissing and hugging is prohibited, but bondage and whipping are okay.

“Women’s Studies”

A 20-year study found that lesbian couples’ children scored better than traditional families’ children in areas such as academics and social adjustment. And they really excelled in matching flannel clothing and cutting the perfect mullet.

The lesbian families’ children did better in answering survey questions, except one: “Who’s your daddy?”

“Buffalo 1, Florida 0”

A Florida man called 911 after a mounted buffalo head fell off a wall and pinned him in an easy chair. Turns out it wasn’t so easy after all.

Sheriff’s deputies showed up after the man reported being struck by a water buffalo. The deputies thought it was bull.

When the man said he was struck by a water buffalo in his house, obviously he was exaggerating. A mobile home isn’t really a house.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

“Nursing Injuries” or “Don’t Want No Scrubs”

In Minnesota, 12,000 hospital nurses staged a one-day strike in protest of stalled union negotiations related to nurse-to-patient ratios and other concerns. The union felt the best way for nurses to show their care for their patients was to walk out.

Adjusting to the staff shortage, hospitals rescheduled elective surgeries, brought in 2800 replacement nurses, and kept extra doctors around so there would still be a feeling of arrogance on patient floors.

There were no patient deaths reported, but tragically, several golf games were missed.

Insisting that nurses return to work, administrators are demanding more pillows and a sponge bath.

“Birth Control Researchers Can be a Real Pill”

Researchers are still trying to develop a birth control pill for men. Results are promising. So far, no men have given birth.

Women have had a drug to prevent conception for 50 years, but for centuries, there has been an effective drug to promote conception:. It’s called alcohol.

Researchers testing male contraceptives keep saying they are fast approaching ways to reduce sperm, but they don’t want to say how quickly they’re coming.

Last year in China, researchers found effective contraception for men in tests of a once-a-month hormone injection. The only question is, who wants to get poked by the Chinese?

“Angel’s Voice”

Negotiations are taking place to arrange to have singer Susan Boyle sing for Pope Benedict XVI during his visit to Glasgow in September. The two seem to have little in common, other than a love of classical music and just being a dude in a dress.

In light of all the pain of abuse scandal, the Pope is utilizing Boyle’s performance to try to keep things for himself, the cardinals, and all priests as un-sexy as possible.

“White Cloud: It’s Not Just Toilet Paper.”

Researchers are working on a way to whiten clouds as a way to reflect more sunlight back into space to reduce global warming. Colgate is now working on a formula that will not only whiten the clouds, it will also help prevent cavities and gingivitis.

The whitening process uses water vapor that condenses around sea salt crystals, forming the droplets that make up clouds. The best part: it even gets out tough grass and blood stains.

The concept involves spraying clouds with a fine seawater mist, which not only whitens clouds, it makes the wind minty-fresh!

Bill Gates is helping this research through a grant. If it works, his next plan is to bleach the gray spots off the moon.

Unfortunately, if these clouds have a silver lining, the sun’s rays will intensify and laser-burn the entire Earth’s surface.

“Rubber Bullets” or “Projectile: Vomit”

In Illinois, a man was arrested for attacking a security officer by allegedly throwing condoms that were full of vomit. In addition to assault charges, the man is also accused of having no idea how babies are really made.

Said Snookie from Jersey Shore, “That's the (counting on her fingers) 7th most disgusting thing I have ever seen in a condom.”

Said Bristol Palin, “What's a condom?

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

“Short Life” or “Finnish Lines”

A study in Finland suggests that shorter adults have a 50% greater risk for heart attacks than taller ones. Upon hearing this, smart short people went out bought athletic shoes to improve their health. Dumb short people went out and bought high heels.

This news will be shocking to some. In fact, it’s going to mean a massive heart attack for Ryan Seacrest.

Kids are reminded that smoking can stunt your growth.

Maybe this is why people try to stretch before doing cardio.

“If the Shoe Fits”

A leather shoe made over 5,000 years ago was discovered in the mountains of Armenia, making it the oldest of its kind ever found. Archeologists are already back at the cave-site where it was found, looking for a matching purse.

The shoe was made from a single piece of thin, soft leather, has a lace up the front and back, and is of great value, not because of its age, but because it’s a designer label.

Archeologists would love it if they knew how long such shoes lasted, how commonly they were worn, and if they came in a color that matches more of their outfits.

If many more shoes like this one are found, it may confirm the ancient existence of sweat-shops.

Scientists now have proof that tying your friend’s laces together is a practical joke that’s been around for over 5,000 years.

“Lowdown on Lindsay”

An LA Superior Court judge ruled that Lindsay Lohan violated the terms of her release Sunday night when her alcohol-monitoring ankle bracelet went off after the MTV Awards. Lindsay’s explanation for the alcohol detected: Amy Winehouse was peeing in the bathroom stall next to her.

Lindsay was required to post additional bail, totaling $200,000. That upset Lindsay, because that much money can buy a lot of booze.

Lindsay has not appeared bothered by wearing the court-ordered ankle bracelet, probably because it can’t detect cocaine.

“Maid of Money”

A housekeeper working for celebrity chef Paula Deen was caught trying to pawn as much as $100,000 worth of jewelry she stole from Deen’s home over the course of a year. Police caught the woman easily; they just had to follow the footprints made of butter from Paula’s kitchen to the pawn shop.

Paula has even more spectacular jewelry, but she doesn’t keep the really good stuff around the house. She deep-fries it.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

“Term-inator Limits” or “Primary Education”

California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger had to re-vote in Tuesday’s election, after a scanning machine rejected his ballot. Californians could empathize, wishing they could personally reject Schwarzenegger, too.

Schwarzenegger was involved in a prior voting mishap, when he was elected.

The scanning machine counted a double-vote on the ballot for U.S. Senate. The governor’s solution was to cut the voting budget by half.

Arnold may have realized something was wrong the first time he stepped out of the ballot booth. He coolly said, “Aa’ll be back.”

“Those Who Can’t Do, Teach. Those Who Can, Do Teacher”

An Orange County teacher pleaded guilty to having sex with her 17-year-old male student between June and September, 2007. The administration caught on to the affair when the student wrote an essay that fall, entitled, “Who I Did on my Summer Vacation.”

The teacher might have gotten away with it, having claimed that she only did everything you ever see about Orange County on TV.

Because of the affair between the 17 year-old boy and the 33 –year old woman, the Saddleback High School sports teams are all being renamed the Cougars.

“Speidi Split”

Heidi Montag filed for a legal separation from her husband Spencer Pratt. Sources close to the couple say Heidi really wishes she could separate from herself, but this is as close as she could get.

If they do divorce, Spencer wants custody of Heidi’s new breasts.

-Or as he calls them, “The Hills.”

Heidi has not made any claims that Spencer committed adultery, but it has been well documented that he is in love with himself.

To Heidi, separating from Spencer is like just having yet another plastic surgery. This time, she’s having an asshole removed.

Monday, June 7, 2010

Get the Helen Thomas out of the White House Press Core

I don’t usually use my blog to voice a lot of my own political views, or go off, Daily-Show-style, on the politicians and the media, but today, I’d like to use my freedom of speech for the noblest of causes: I’m going to pick on an old lady.

On May 27th Senior White House press core journalist, Helen Thomas was asked by a rabbi making a video journal at a Jewish American Heritage Month event at the White House if she had any comments on Israel. That video has just been released, and here is how she answered.

“Tell them to get the hell out of Palestine. Remember, these people are occupied, and it’s their land. It’s not German; it’s not Poland.”
The rabbi asked where the Jews are supposed to go.
Helen said, “Go home.”
He asked, “Where?”
Helen replied, “Poland. Germany. And America, and everywhere else.”

Wow. Was she kidding? It’s not like the Jews were having a party in Poland and Germany before the modern state of Israel. In fact, there used to be only one party there. The Nazi party.

This isn’t youthful ignorance on her part. She’s 89. Maybe she’s just forgotten her history. And I don’t mean the Holocaust. I mean the Jews living in Israel long enough ago that it was called Judea. Don’t try to convince me that it was Great Britain who came up with that name and graciously gave over the land to the ancient Hebrews.

Okay, so maybe Helen’s memory isn’t so sharp or she can’t keep track of the facts anymore. Which is great for a journalist who gets to ask the president the first question at every press conference. She has the first row, center chair in front of Barack Obama’s podium, people. Is that because she deserves it, or because they are afraid she’ll wander off if there aren’t people on all sides of her to calmly get her back in her chair so she can just fall asleep?

Now, there may be those who argue, maybe she didn’t know that Jews would hear her comments. But this was the Jewish American Heritage celebration. Maybe she didn’t think it would get any public attention. But it was at The White House. And maybe she didn’t think anyone would take much stock in one 89-year-old woman’s opinion. But she has been reporting from the White House since President Eisenhower lived there.

She’s been a long-respected member of the journalist community, and a face in the public eye for decades. In fact, I understand that they wanted to make a movie about her life, with the title role to have been played by Walter Matthau.

Did you see her on that video, cackling at her own comments? Why was she laughing, anyway? It wasn’t funny. If it had been even the least bit witty or amusing, I might have thought she was a wrinkled Bruce Vilanch in drag.

Some may say she sounds like an anti-Semitic shrew, but I don’t think that’s fair. “Shrew” is usually reserved for a younger woman. Helen is older than dirt, so I’m gonna go with anti-Semitic harpy.

Many called for her to be fired, and Helen has since announced that she is going to retire. I suppose she can spend her remaining golden years searching for Nazi paraphernalia on e-Bay or posing as the cast model for Witchie-Poo Halloween masks.

I don’t think it’s enough that she just gets to retire with her noble position intact. I think her hate speech is unforgivable, and I am left to wonder just how much of her personal bias against Israel and the Jewish people has leaked into her writing over the years? How yellow and slanted is her journalism? Can we trust any of her reporting? And if her opinions are not just politically based, but racially-charged, doesn’t it beg the question, what about her views on race as a whole? How many issues on tolerance, immigration, education, civil rights, and equal treatment under law were shaded through her reporting for the last 50 years?

In her defense, I don’t think she is an out-and-out racist, just an anti-Semite. And if you think my comments and opinions are biased just because I am a Jew, then you might also think Ms. Thomas’ are too, since she is Lebanese.

She was born in the United States, and so was I. the difference is, she was born here when it was just known as the Colonies. I believe in her First Amendment right to free speech – regardless of how ugly and ignorant her opinion may be, and I also believe in the freedom of the press, the unhindered, objective, unedited, unbiased reporting of the events of our lives. Journalists are supposed to report the news. But if her personal opinions have continuously smudged and smeared her reporting over her entire career, that is, if she does her reporting like she does her lipstick, then she has done a lot of damage. It hurts the integrity of journalism as much as it hurts to look at her in high-def. In so doing, her work has marred that freedom that we hold so dear.

Instead of a newspaper journalist, maybe she should have been a commentator or lobbyist or a campaign manager for David Duke. Because op-eds don’t belong in the headlines. They belong, like this blog, on the Internet.

Now, if I have been remiss in any way here, it is that I am not bagging on her enough, especially since this is supposed to be a humor blog. Therefore, I also have to point out that ol’ Helen was wise to stay in the papers and off TV. I mean, she’s not the most attractive woman. She looks like Madeline Albright’s ugly older sister. And if that sounds too mean, than I’ll retract that and say ugly older brother.

The whole video hasn’t been released yet, and some are saying she may be vindicated when the entire clip can be seen, and as we know, video can easily be manipulated with clever editing. But I don’t think that’s the case here. I think that when the rest of the video comes out, it’s going to show Helen mounting her broom, flying up into the clouds, and sky-writing “Surrender Dorothy!” Assuming Dorothy is now Israeli.

All I can hope for now, is that Helen enjoys her quiet years of retirement – and the quieter, Helen, the better. Or at least until someone throws a bucket of water on her and she melts away. What a world, what a world.

Friday, June 4, 2010

News Potpourri

A new study shows that the use of cocaine can rot a person's skin. In a related story, there is nothing left of Amy Winehouse but tattoos and a beehive.

"Golden Girls" star Rue McClanahan died Thursday at age 76. Sadly, all the attention on Rue has turned Betty White into a total bitch.

On Thursday, the LAPD announced that all superhero-costumed panhandlers on Hollywood Boulevard must move to a new location or face arrest. The panhandlers will foil the cops' plan by donning eyeglasses so no one recognizes them.

Plans were announced this week for a Michael Jackson museum to be built in his hometown of Gary Indiana at a cost of $300 million. $40 million of that will be paid to you if you let your young son stay overnight.

This week, filmmaker and submersible designer James Cameron announced that British Petroleum had rejected his offer to help stop the Gulf of Mexico oil spill. BP, whose spill has done unimaginable damage to the Gulf’s indigenous life, has also started calling oil "unobtainium."

A McDonald’s commercial in France depicting a young gay customer has caused a stir. Supporters are just proud that Grimace finally came out.

“Plastic Smiles”

The state of California is considering a ban on disposable plastic shopping bags. Anti-plastic environmentalists think this is great, but trees on their way to the paper mill think it sucks.

Citizens of Beverly Hills were originally outraged, until it was clarified that the ban would not in any way affect plastic surgery.

Space X successfully launched the first privately funded and developed rocket, named Falcon 9, into orbit Friday. The proud participants in the development and launch are some of the private sector’s most brilliant virgins.

The scientists who developed the rocket originally intended its living space as an alternative to living in their parents’ basements.


McDonald’s recalled 12 million drinking glasses Friday due to cadmium-tainted paint used depicting the Shrek Forever After movie characters. Said a McDonald’s spokesman:

“We’re truly sorry about the cadmium, but hey, its still healthier than any of our food.”

Cadmium exposure has been linked to cancer. Do you want fries with that?

Though the exposure to cadmium would be considered low level, McDonald’s is always happy to give their customers the opportunity to super-size it.

McDonalds is trying to market the product as its new Unhappy Meal.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

“Nuts in the Air”

The U.S. Department of Transportation proposed a measure to ban or restrict peanuts on all domestic flights due to the common problem of passenger allergies. Unfortunately, this will only inspire terrorists to invent the fiendish nut bomb.

To reduce allergic passengers’ peanut exposure, airlines are already perfectly willing to start charging an outrageous fee for peanuts that most people will be unwilling to pay.

In the current spirit of airline customer service, commercial carriers would like to offer an alternative to peanuts, such as nothing it all.

Southwest Airlines already has a cost-effective plan for passengers who are allergic to peanuts. Flight attendants will approach passengers who brought their own non-nut snacks aboard and rip them out of the passengers’ hands to give to the nut-allergy person.


Wal-Mart announced that they will begin a program to help get their employees go to college. They are going to let universities start borrowing them as team mascots.

Wal-Mart workers will be able earn college credit for training they receive on the job. For instance, greeters get a Communications credit for every thousand “Hellos.”

Most employees want to earn their degree in anything-that-gets-them-out-of-Wal-Mart.

In Philosophy 101, students will be challenged with questions like, “If a man works at Wal-Mart, does he still exist?”

“Out, Fox”

Megan Fox’s replacement as the female lead in the upcoming sequel Transformers 3 was announced Thursday. Instead of Fox, the role will be played by massive explosions!

“Cutting their Losses”

BP was finally able to make some progress in the oil spill crisis, successfully cutting off a pipe Thursday with the intent to then cap it off to reduce the flow of oil. The cutting of the pipe may not be the solution everyone was hoping for, but it does make BP officially Jewish.

BP’s chief executive Tony Hayward admitted that the company “did not have the tools you would want in your tool belt,”in dealing with the crisis, as evidenced by BP’s early attempts to stop the oil spill by first using their teeth, then a penny, then a butter knife.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

“Falling Mercury”

The Ford Motor Company announced Wednesday is discontinuing its Mercury brand. Ford is doing so to be more Earth-friendly. It isn’t an environmental issue; they just felt guilty promoting a competing planet.

No comment yet from the makers of Saturn.

In a related story, an unnamed Greek god wearing winged sandals was seen Wednesday applying for unemployment.

“Gore Apart”

Tuesday it was announced that former Vice president Al Gore and his wife of 40 years, Tipper, are splitting up. Turns out, back in 2000, she voted for Bush.

Al will write a book about the divorce, to be titled, “Another Inconvenient Truth.”

Al knew that the marriage was in trouble when, even though the globe was warming, things had gotten very cold in the bedroom.

Inexplicably, the Clintons are still married.

“Oil, Oil, Toil, and Trouble”

The U.S. government is seeking new ideas to deal with the oil spill crisis. The biggest challenge ahead; teaching fish to breathe oil.