Monday, November 11, 2013

“South of the Bieber”

Last night Justin Bieber walked off stage ending a Buenos Aires concert early for the second time since visiting South America, this time citing food poisoning as the reason.   Because it just sounds conceited to say he had a Bieber fever.

Bieber’s manager said his food poisoning was so severe he spent the 8 hours before the show on an IV drip.  Said The Rolling Stones, “An IV drip?  Big deal – we do that before every show.

Bieber was already at the center of controversy in South America, allegedly visiting a brothel, which may be the real origin of his “drip.”

“Navy Blues”

More allegations have surfaced in the US Navy sex scandal, in which contracts for goods and services may have been given in exchange for money and gifts including  services of prostitutes.  For instance, submarine officers were influenced about where and when they would be going down.

Now a 3-star admiral has been implicated.  If he was involved in illicit sexual behavior, naval uniform protocol demands that his stars immediately be replaced with x’s.

Reports claim the scandal will taint the admirals.  But as everyone knows, rear admirals rarely get out with their taint intact.

“Salad Days”

A California company has recalled over 90 tons of pre-packed salads and wraps over fears that they may contain a strain of E. coli.  Just what Americans need: another excuse not to eat vegetables.

The contaminated foods will be collected by the FDA and redistributed as low-cost elementary school lunches.

“The Russians Are Coming"

Russian president Vladimir Putin will be visiting Viet Nam tomorrow in an effort to improve relations there.  Coincidentally, that event will also be a major plot point in the next Sylvester Stallone action movie.

Once he is there, safely in an underground lair, Putin can finally remove his human-like mask and show the Vietnamese leaders his lizard skin underneath.

"Immodest Proposal"

Last week Kanye West flew Kim Kardashian to San Francisco, where he surprised her by having rented out AT&T Park, home of the Giants, where he then proposed.  He wanted to bring her to a place big enough for her ass and his ego.

Though they’ve been together a while now, Kim said the proposal came totally out of left field.

In his proposal, Kanye told Kim that if she’d marry him, she would make him the happiest man in the world, you know, because of all the publicity.

Kanye said that the only thing that could make him happier was if he could marry himself.

Kanye did not offer his proposal in a rap, but only because Kim had not bought a ticket to be in the stadium.

Members of Kim’s family were hiding in the dugout waiting for Kim’s answer.  The dugout seemed the perfect place for them, since it, too, is shallow.

Khloe Kardashian was there, but she kept getting mistaken for the Giants’ mascot.

Kanye proposed with a giant, 14.2-carot diamond ring.  Kim said it was the best thing he ever gave her, the most beautiful thing she’s ever seen, and it goes without saying that she loves it much more than their baby.

Actually, Kanye and Kim couldn’t wait to celebrate their happy news with their baby, North, as soon as they figure out which nanny currently has her.

Kanye had decided this was the perfect time to propose, because as a couple, it’s very important that they promote his new album.

Kim said ‘yes’ to Kanye, making way for a huge celebration for all their lawyers.

As soon as Kim accepted the proposal, Kanye went straight to third base.

There was no TV crew there, allowing Kim and Kanye to enjoy this as a private moment before the next sex tape.

Kim will soon be planning her bridal shower, which is what Kris Jenner calls meeting with networks to see who gets the deal to broadcast the wedding.

Kim and Kanye don’t care what denomination their wedding officiate is, as long as it’s someone who bows down to Yesus.

Kim and Kanye will not wed at AT&T Park, because even they know that with AT&T, you’ll get a lousy reception.

In a somewhat related story, that same day, Kris Humphries went on a blind movie date, where he spilled a soda on the girl right after the coming attractions.