“Salad Days”

A California company has recalled over 90 tons of pre-packed salads and wraps over fears that they may contain a strain of E. coli.  Just what Americans need: another excuse not to eat vegetables.

 

The contaminated foods will be collected by the FDA and redistributed as low-cost elementary school lunches.

“Legal Circus”

http://usnews.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2011/11/28/9072340-ringling-circus-paying-big-fine-over-animal-case

The Ringling Bros. Barnum & Bailey Circus parent company agreed on a settlement with the USDA over charges of animal mistreatment.  The settlement was easily reached because both the circus’ representatives and the government officials are a bunch of clowns.

Federal inspections led to charges over treatment of the circus’ 54 pachyderms.  The settlement was reached once they addressed the elephant in the room.

Several major issues dealt specifically with the care of tigers and zebras cages and enclosures.  Until

those issues are resolved, stripes are officially out.

A chief complaint called out tigers’ feeding conditions.  From now on, the tigers will only eat Frosted Flakes.

Asked for comment, the tigers said “They’re Greeaaat!”  

“Let’s Talk Turkey”

http://yourlife.usatoday.com/fitness-food/safety/story/2011/08/USDA-announces-recall-of-36M-lbs-of-ground-turkey/49794882/1

The USDA has recalled 36 million lbs. of ground turkey due to a salmonella outbreak.  The meat has been connected to illness in 76 people, and obviously, the death of over a million turkeys.

Officials say properly cooked meat, to an internal temperature of 165 degrees, would be safe to eat, even if contaminated, but a lot of people are quitting cold turkey.

Experts say it’s still healthier than eating at any Taco Bell.

“Eat Off ‘My Plate’”

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20110602/ap_on_re_us/us_usda_my_plate;_ylt=AkHmngdeQl0unBANiZ3KbXGs0NUE;_ylu=X3oDMTNrMjh0OXJlBGFzc2V0A2FwLzIwMTEwNjAyL3VzX3VzZGFfbXlfcGxhdGUEY2NvZGUDbW9zdHBvcHVsYXIEY3BvcwM2BHBvcwMzBHB0A2hvbWVfY29rZQRzZWMDeW5faGVhZGxpbmVfbGlzdARzbGsDZm9vZHB5cmFtaWRv

The U.S. Department of Agriculture is replacing the "Food Pyramid" with a new symbol promoting healthy eating called "My Plate."  It is expected to be successful, as long as no one associates it with MySpace.

The USDA decided to replace the Food Pyramid due to the Food Mummy’s curse.

On the My Plate model, the 4 main types of food are arranged on a round plate like 4 pieces of pie.  The problem is, Americans already eat 4 pieces of pie.

“In the Pink”

The USDA has modified its guidelines regarding cooking pork to an internal temperature of 145 degrees, so pink-in-the-middle is now considered safe.  Since it’s cheaper than cooking, fast food chains are rushing to buy pink food coloring.

The pork industry has mixed feelings, since they now have to scramble to change their slogan, “The other white meat.”

Because pork can now be pink, the U.S. might finally legalize Canadian bacon.

“Taco Bell, What’s in that Shell?”

http://www.usatoday.com/money/industries/food/2011-01-25-taco-bell-suit_N.htm

A lawsuit filed Friday alleges that the meat mixture used by Taco Bell in its beef products does not meet the minimum USDA requirements to be labeled “beef.” A Taco Bell spokesman said that their customers are satisfied with their food quality and value, adding “Besides, they’re too stoned to care.”

Also, it turns out that their cinnamon twists are just made of Styrofoam.

In response, next week Taco Bell plans to unveil their new line of Burritos, made from real burros.

In a related story, McDonald’s is destroying all records of what goes into a McRib sandwich.