“Salad Days”

A California company has recalled over 90 tons of pre-packed salads and wraps over fears that they may contain a strain of E. coli.  Just what Americans need: another excuse not to eat vegetables.

 

The contaminated foods will be collected by the FDA and redistributed as low-cost elementary school lunches.

“Obama Chill on Pill” or “President B. on Plan B”

http://yourlife.usatoday.com/health/story/2011-12-08/Obama-Morning-after-pill-decision-common-sense/51745132/1?csp=ylf

President Obama said he supports the Department of Health and Human Services decision to restrict availability of the morning-after pill to girls under 17 by requiring a prescription.  He then glared and shook an accusing finger at Malia and Sasha.

To those 17 and older, the morning after pill is available over-the-counter, as long as you can handle the harsh, fluorescent lights at the drug store while you’re still hung over.

While the president didn’t comment directly on the over-the-counter availability of the drug for adults, he and Michelle exchanged a knowing glance and a relieved high-five.

“FDA Report is a Bust” or "Silly Cones"

http://yourlife.usatoday.com/health/medical/womenshealth/story/2011/06/FDA-concludes-silicone-breast-implants-mostly-safe/48725914/1

The FDA released a report Wednesday saying that silicone breast implants are relatively safe, despite complications in 1 out of 5 patients.  Clearly, the issue is still a little lopsided.

Thought the implants give women larger breasts, it is usually the men around them that act like bigger boobs than before.

The FDA concluded that women have the opportunity to ask questions in order to be aware of the risks.  Men only ask “Are those real?”

Federal officials say that implants filled with silicone are more likely to leak than those filled with saline.  But they still consider them safe because they are less likely to leak than implants filled with pushpins or broken glass.

Some are suspicious of the findings, considering the risks.  This may be a case of tit for tat.

“Warning: Graphic Warnings”

http://yourlife.usatoday.com/health/story/2011/06/FDA-issues-graphic-cigarette-labels/48676990/1

Tuesday the FDA unveiled the new graphic health warnings which will be required to cover 50% of cigarette packaging.  There are 9 different disturbing images, and the message to children is clear: “Hey kids, collect them all!”

If cigarettes don’t hurt your health, the warning labels alone are enough to make you sick.

The graphic images depict a cancerous mouth, a corpse, diseased lungs, and more.  In fact, there will soon be a call for a warning about the warnings.

Two cigarette manufacturers have already filed a lawsuit saying that the new labeling requirements will kill their branding and their relationship with customers.  Meanwhile, their brands are actually killing their customers.

“Cleaning Up”

http://yourlife.usatoday.com/health/story/2011/04/FDA-issues-warnings-to-four-hand-sanitizer-companies---/46360360/1

The FDA has issued warning to the makers of certain hand sanitizing products over claims that their products can prevent specific diseases and infections.  The companies say that the FDA may not ever get to follow up on the warnings, because they will probably die from a bacterial infection since they didn’t use their sanitizer.

The FDA requires that claims to prevent disease be scientifically proven and submitted for review by the FDA.  The companies say they were just trying to get around the disease of big government.

The FDA’s letter originally contained harsh words and offensive language, but thankfully, it was sanitized.

If the products are removed from the market, it will be seen as a big victory.  For Bacteria.

The FDA’s move may have been political.  It’s possible that they may have been prompted to try to shut down these practices by the Soap and Water lobby.

After this move, the FDA will wash their hands of the situation.

It may not be a scandal, but it certainly feels… unsanitary.

To avoid further action the FDA, the sanitizer companies will have to back off of claims like:

“The exercise from pumping the hand pump on our sanitizer gel will make you stronger than Thor.”

“The bubbles in our foaming hand sanitizer will make you float in the air like you’re flying.”

“Our sanitizing gel can be used as a spermicidal contraceptive.”

“Depressing News”

http://www.allheadlinenews.com/briefs/articles/90031963?FDA%20okays%20drug%20for%20major%20depressive%20disorder

The FDA has approved the marketing of a new drug called Viibryd, to be used to treat major depressive disorder. The drug offers hope to those who might have been desperate enough to consider suicide, or even worse, to buy tickets to see Carrot Top.

“Pumping into the Economy”

The FDA is concerned about a new trend wherein some mothers are selling their breast milk online. But marketing experts say that it is just the next logical step in trickle-down economics.

As a business, breast milk makes sense as a product, because of its liquidity.

“Smokey Lens”

http://www.usatoday.com/money/companies/regulation/2010-11-10-tobacco-labels_N.htm

The FDA and the Department for Health and Human Services are pushing for larger, graphic warnings on cigarette packs that would feature pictures of corpses and cancerous mouths, among other images. So smokers can be as grossed out by cigarettes as non-smokers.

October 7

“Protection Racket”

A sex survey released this week found that Black and Latino men are more likely to use condoms during intercourse than white men. In some cases, white men’s unwillingness to wear condoms is forcing them to think outside the box.

The survey has been applauded for being the largest and most extensive of its kind conducted in years, proving size does matter.

“McDonald’s Is Sick”

http://www.usatoday.com/money/industries/health/2010-10-07-healthlaw07_ST_N.htm?csp=hf

McDonald’s is among 30 companies granted waiver protecting them from new government requirements to increase health coverage for part-time and low-wage employees. Looks like Grimace isn’t going to get that lap-band surgery after all.

McDonald’s executives claim none of their employees will try to get insurance coverage because there is no button with a picture of healthcare on the cash register.

To dodge employee complaints, McDonalds will have all their part-timers go through the drive through and then they will just lie to them and tell them that their health care is in the bottom of the bag so they’ll drive away.

It’s not like the company wants people to be sick or in pain. They have made it clear they don’t want anyone to hurt… their bottom line.

McDonald’s will protect their public image by changing the use of the term “health coverage” to mean the plastic gloves employees have to wear when handling food.

“The Gem and I” or “The Rock”

http://www.usatoday.com/money/industries/health/2010-10-07-healthlaw07_ST_N.htm?csp=hf

A rare pink diamond weighing 24.78 carats will be sold at auction by Sotheby’s for an unidentified owner, with an expected selling price between $27 and $38 million. For $27 million you get just the stone, but for $38 million they throw in the hilarious slapstick antics of its sole guardian, Inspector Cluseau.

“FDA Approved”

http://www.usatoday.com/tech/science/2010-10-06-fda-science_N.htm

The FDA is set to spend $25 million next year to update its scientific tools to make testing and approving more accurate and efficient. The scientific tools they have been using to test food and medicines: a fork, spoon, and glass of water.