"Immodest Proposal"

Last week Kanye West flew Kim Kardashian to San Francisco, where he surprised her by having rented out AT&T Park, home of the Giants, where he then proposed.  He wanted to bring her to a place big enough for her ass and his ego.

Though they’ve been together a while now, Kim said the proposal came totally out of left field.

In his proposal, Kanye told Kim that if she’d marry him, she would make him the happiest man in the world, you know, because of all the publicity.

Kanye said that the only thing that could make him happier was if he could marry himself.

Kanye did not offer his proposal in a rap, but only because Kim had not bought a ticket to be in the stadium.

Members of Kim’s family were hiding in the dugout waiting for Kim’s answer.  The dugout seemed the perfect place for them, since it, too, is shallow.

Khloe Kardashian was there, but she kept getting mistaken for the Giants’ mascot.

Kanye proposed with a giant, 14.2-carot diamond ring.  Kim said it was the best thing he ever gave her, the most beautiful thing she’s ever seen, and it goes without saying that she loves it much more than their baby.

Actually, Kanye and Kim couldn’t wait to celebrate their happy news with their baby, North, as soon as they figure out which nanny currently has her.

Kanye had decided this was the perfect time to propose, because as a couple, it’s very important that they promote his new album.

Kim said ‘yes’ to Kanye, making way for a huge celebration for all their lawyers.

As soon as Kim accepted the proposal, Kanye went straight to third base.

There was no TV crew there, allowing Kim and Kanye to enjoy this as a private moment before the next sex tape.

Kim will soon be planning her bridal shower, which is what Kris Jenner calls meeting with networks to see who gets the deal to broadcast the wedding.

Kim and Kanye don’t care what denomination their wedding officiate is, as long as it’s someone who bows down to Yesus.

Kim and Kanye will not wed at AT&T Park, because even they know that with AT&T, you’ll get a lousy reception.

In a somewhat related story, that same day, Kris Humphries went on a blind movie date, where he spilled a soda on the girl right after the coming attractions.

“Kim and Kanye Konceive”

Kim Kardashian said that she had a hard time getting pregnant.  But once the video camera was rolling…

If families with young children watch the Kardashians on TV and the kids start asking where babies come from, their parents should explain to them, “A baby is made when a man and a woman love attention very much…”

The baby already has its own reality show, with the crew filming 24/7 from inside Kim’s uterus. 

But to be fair, they were already there before she got pregnant.

A few years after the baby is born, Kim and Kanye already can’t wait to show their child the tape of his or her conception.

Kim and Kanye have decided NOT to show the birth on television.  Some moments are just so special and private that they only belong on pay-per-view.

It’s too soon to know if the baby will look like Kim or Kanye when its born, but like all 3-month fetuses, for now its face looks like Bruce Jenner.

Odds and (Big) Ends

Kim Kardashian attended the White House Correspondents Dinner this past week.  Why not?  Among all those politicians, what's one more big ass?

The Secret Service has decided to assign chaperones to its agents on some foreign trips.  Secret Service agents said they don't mind chaperones, as long as they are hot ladies ready to party!

Jessica Simpson is spending $4,000 a night for the luxury hospital birthing suite where she gave birth to her new daughter.  And from the looks of things, Jessica, $3,000 of that is just to cover the cost of food.

“Keeping Up with the… Mayor?”

Kim Kardashian has said she is running for mayor of Glendale, CA.  If she wants to get into politics there, just because it has a high Armenian population, things are going to get hairy.

If elected, Kim would be the first elected official to have her own fragrance.  Unless you count the stink that’s still all over Rod Blagojevich.

Kim thinks she’d make a great mayor, because she knows how to get things done in and out of City Hall.  ‘City Hall,’ of course, is Kim’s new nickname for her vagina.

“Animal Magnetism”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/entertainment/post/2011/07/kim-kardashian-feels-like-a-zoo-animal-/1

Kim Kardashian told Cosmopolitan magazine that because of all her public scrutiny, she sometimes feels like a zoo animal.  She should really try front-facing sex.

She is like a zoo animal: she has no job, she struts around on display, and the public is able to observe her mating rituals any time of day.

Asked if she was thinking of any zoo animal in particular, she said, “I guess Khloe.”

The only zoo animal Kim could actually be mistaken for would be a species of camel that has the humps on the backside.

"Butt What?"or “Keeping Up with the Ridiculous”

 Kim Kardashian had X-Rays taken of her rear end to squash rumors that she has had butt implants.  In so doing, she also squashed the X-Ray machine.

Because of her fame and reputation, the technician had to use a XXX-Ray machine.

“Kim & Kris”

Kim Kardashian got engaged to boyfriend of 6 months, Kris Humphries.  Most people recognize Humphries from the New Jersey Nets.  Most people recognize Kim from the fishnets.

The couple has a real shot at lasting happiness, especially since Kris meets the most important criteria: he spells his first name with a “K.”

Kin says she was shocked that her boyfriend proposed.  Fans were shocked that she had a white boyfriend.

“Plastic Kardashians”

http://www.usatoday.com/life/people/2010-11-29-kardashians-debit-card_N.htm

The Kardashian sisters are trying to sever their relationship with a prepaid debit card marketed as the Kardashian Kard after learning that the product is being investigated for unusually high fees for initial card purchase, use, loss or even cancellation. The card’s own spin-off reality show will be called Keeping Up with the Kosts.

It is unknown how much money the Kardashian girls were supposed to make for endorsing the product up fornt, but it is likely that their deal was structured to by heavy on the back end.

Featuring a picture of all 3 sisters on the card, it was never easier to get Kim, Kourtney and Khloe into your wallet, unless you’re a professional athlete.

Celebrity news

Kim Kardashian tweeted on Monday that she broke her toe. Until the toe heals it can't do anything productive or useful, so it will get its own reality show.

In a recent interview, Cher said she still mistakenly refers to her daughter-turned-son Chaz as "her." Conversely, when Chaz was growing up as a girl, when people first glanced at her, their automatic response was to exclaim, "Dude!"

“Keeping Up with Inflatable”

According to Radar Online, a new life size blow-up doll will be modeled after Kim Kardashian. It comes with a pre-inflated ego.

The doll is intended only for white men, since any black guy can have the real thing.

The doll is to be filled with air, as opposed to the real Kim, who is filled with Botox.

No Khloe Kardashian doll is planned. If you want Khloe, just over-inflate the Kim doll.