"Wendy's Wins"

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/46784487/ns/business-stocks_and_economy/

A food industry research firm reports that Wendy’s has overtaken Burger King as the 2^nd biggest hamburger chain in U.S. sales, behind leader McDonald’s.  As a result, Wendy is already demanding to be called “Your Highness.”

Burger King likes to say they sell the best burger, but that is a Whopper.

Needless to say, the Executives at Burger King are broiling.

Now, if Wendy’s slips back, the mood there is expected to be Frosty.

McDonald's is still number 1, despite the fact that for years, the Hamburglar has been robbing them blind.

All three burger chains are trying to not only kill their competition, but to kill all of America. 

"Six-Piece?"

A Los Angeles woman was arrested for prostitution after offering sexual favors in exchange for Chicken McNuggets.  This is exactly why Chicken McNuggets should come with a wet-nap.

She was released when police were unable to prove that there was any chicken in a McNugget.

For a side of fries, you can chicken finger her.

“Healthy Happy Meals”

http://www.usatoday.com/money/industries/food/2011-07-26-McDonalds-apples-happy-meal_n.htm

McDonald’s is launching a change to their Happy Meals for kids: apple slices in every box.  It’s part of their new initiative to send more traffic to Burger King.

The most difficult part of the transition for McDonald’s is the training to keep their employees from instinctively deep-frying the apple slices.

Kids seemed genuinely excited about apple-filled Happy Meals, but that’s because, when they heard the word Apple, they thought their Happy Meals came with Apple gift cards for iTunes. 

“Supersized Anger”

http://news.yahoo.com/cops-mcdonalds-bo ... 25z;_ylv=3

The manager of a McDonald's in Atlanta was arrested after punching a female customer in the parking lot.  The manager explained that she was just serving McDonald’s new McKnuckle Sandwich.

The manager didn’t mind going to jail, because at least the uniform is less embarrassing.

“McHoax”

http://news.yahoo.com/s/yblog_thelookout/20110613/us_yblog_thelookout/racial-hoax-causes-pr-headache-for-mcdonalds

McDonald’s is suffering a PR flap over a hoax in which a  Twitter photo shows a fake but official looking McDonald’s memo blaming African Americans for recent robberies.  Not helping is the fact that the Hamburglar has been repeatedly showing up in black-face.

On the upside, the fake scandal is a nice distraction for McDonald’s over their controversially fattening food.

“Ronald McRemodeled” or “Quarter Pound of Hammers”

http://www.usatoday.com/money/industries/food/2011-05-06-mcdonalds-revamp_n.htm?csp=hf

McDonald’s restaurants are undertaking major remodeling inside and outside to update its image and create a more upscale atmosphere.  You’ll still recognize it as a McDonald’s however, by all the fat customers and noisy kids.

To make sure the new roofs are sturdy, they will be made out of old McRib patties.

To make the restaurants feel more upscale, there will be a velvet rope dividing the dining room from the McDonaldland play area’s jungle gym.

Though the exteriors are undergoing a major re-design, including the replacement of the golden arches with a single golden half-arch, they intend to keep it familiar-looking, since many of their customers can’t read.

McDonald’s is trying to find the balance between giving customers a more upscale experience, while still having it feel like the beloved McDonald’s brand.  For example, they now brew premium quality, flavored coffees, served deep-fried.

The home of the Big Mac will have a new construction model, with nicer flooring, higher ceilings, and a thick,  extra piece of bread in the middle.

“Glass Action Suit”

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20110211/us_nm/us_mcdonalds_glass;_ylt=Ah_hjeDnxDQZVOv8q4x23JBvzwcF;_ylu=X3oDMTJuODY4N3VwBGFzc2V0A25tLzIwMTEwMjExL3VzX21jZG9uYWxkc19nbGFzcwRwb3MDOQRzZWMDeW5fYXJ0aWNsZV9zdW1tYXJ5X2xpc3QEc2xrA3dvbWFuc3Vlc21jZA--

Last week, a woman sued McDonald's saying she was injured after chewing on a large shard of glass that was inside her spicy McChicken sandwich. And it wasn’t spicy enough.

Experts say what made the shard of glass so dangerous was that it was deep fried.

McDonald’s denies responsibility, saying the woman specifically ordered an Unhappy Meal.

A McDonald’s spokesman said, “We regret the injury to this customer’s mouth, now matter how you slice it.”

The complaint filed in court alleges that the sandwich may have contained a piece of glass from an exploded coffee pot. McDonald’s is being civil enough to not charge the woman for the coffee.

The woman is convinced she will win her case. When you look at the glass, it’s pretty transparent.

Next time, the woman will go to Burger King, where you can have your shard of glass, your way.

“McNuptuals”

A couple in Mexico got married at a McDonald's. They have a fabulous honeymoon planned: going down McDonald-Land slide into the ball pit.

It was a beautiful affair until the Hamburglar stole the wedding cake.

At the ceremony, the couple was surrounded by their Best Mac and Maid-O'-Honor.

The officient asked if the bride took the groom to have and to hold, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, for here or to go.

The guests didn’t mind the less formal reception, but they didn’t like having to dump their own tray.

I don’t want to say the engagement ring was fake, but it came out of a Happy Meal box, in plastic packaging labeled, “Not intended for children under 3.”

The couple had a 5-layer wedding cake. Three layers of bread and 2 all-beef patties.

California News

On Tuesday, California's ballot measure to legalize marijuana for recreational use was voted down. So no one in California will be smoking marijuana. In an unrelated story, meet me out back at 4:20 if you want some… bubble gum.

San Francisco has approved a measure to ban the sale of Happy Meals. San Francisco will simply replace them with Gay Meals.

“McDollars”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/ondeadline/post/2010/10/brazilian-court-orders-mcdonalds-to-pay-ex-manager-for-added-pounds/1

A Brazilian court ordered McDonald’s to pay $17,500 to a former manager who gained 65 lbs. over 12 years of sample food for quality plus the benefit of free lunches. The man hasn’t said how he’ll spend the money, but now he hopes to get hired as the manager of a gym.

October 7

“Protection Racket”

A sex survey released this week found that Black and Latino men are more likely to use condoms during intercourse than white men. In some cases, white men’s unwillingness to wear condoms is forcing them to think outside the box.

The survey has been applauded for being the largest and most extensive of its kind conducted in years, proving size does matter.

“McDonald’s Is Sick”

http://www.usatoday.com/money/industries/health/2010-10-07-healthlaw07_ST_N.htm?csp=hf

McDonald’s is among 30 companies granted waiver protecting them from new government requirements to increase health coverage for part-time and low-wage employees. Looks like Grimace isn’t going to get that lap-band surgery after all.

McDonald’s executives claim none of their employees will try to get insurance coverage because there is no button with a picture of healthcare on the cash register.

To dodge employee complaints, McDonalds will have all their part-timers go through the drive through and then they will just lie to them and tell them that their health care is in the bottom of the bag so they’ll drive away.

It’s not like the company wants people to be sick or in pain. They have made it clear they don’t want anyone to hurt… their bottom line.

McDonald’s will protect their public image by changing the use of the term “health coverage” to mean the plastic gloves employees have to wear when handling food.

“The Gem and I” or “The Rock”

http://www.usatoday.com/money/industries/health/2010-10-07-healthlaw07_ST_N.htm?csp=hf

A rare pink diamond weighing 24.78 carats will be sold at auction by Sotheby’s for an unidentified owner, with an expected selling price between $27 and $38 million. For $27 million you get just the stone, but for $38 million they throw in the hilarious slapstick antics of its sole guardian, Inspector Cluseau.

“FDA Approved”

http://www.usatoday.com/tech/science/2010-10-06-fda-science_N.htm

The FDA is set to spend $25 million next year to update its scientific tools to make testing and approving more accurate and efficient. The scientific tools they have been using to test food and medicines: a fork, spoon, and glass of water.

From Today's News: Friday, Aug. 24, 2007

The Big Mac is celebrating it’s 40th anniversary, and is even getting a museum featuring memorabilia, Big Mac-themed exhibits, and a giant statue, 14 feet tall. Aren’t we taking this super-sizing thing a little too far?

The museum restaurant is located in North Huntington, PA. All are welcome whose butts can still fit through the door.

It’s amazing to think that the owner of a Uniontown, PA Micky D’s invented the Big Mac for his franchise in 1967. What’s even more amazing is that he’s still alive!

Today’s Big Mac still uses the same classic recipe from the jingle: 2 all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, on a Sesame seed bun. If that sounds too indulgent to you, you can always take off the lettuce.

Still one of McDonald’s most popular items, the Big Mac contains 540 calories and 29 grams of fat. The Double Quarter Pounder has 740 calories and 42 gram of fat. Or for 99 cents more, they’ll just use a grounding wire to stop your heart for you.

This is why the prize in the new grown-ups’ Happy Meal will be a free pace-maker.

One of the popular attractions at the museum will be a display of Big Mac’s natural enemies: Raw vegetables, low-fat protein alternatives like soy, and of course, a defibrillator.

Why does the Big Mac get a museum? Why doesn’t McDonalds erect a monument to the people whom Big Mac’s have slowly killed?

How about just naming a freeway, bridge, or tunnel after them? They can call it the Clogged Artery.



Ex-astronaut Lisa Nowak, who infamously assaulted a romantic rival and wore diapers to drive cross-country and get to her former flame faster, has asked a judge for her ankle monitor be removed. Best compromise: give her a reality show. All the semi-famous do it, the public scrutiny is already there, and the cameras make sure she doesn’t pepper spray anyone. It’s win-win!



Brian May, guitarist from the band Queen, has completed his doctorate in astrophysics at London’s Imperial College. The success of the band forced him to delay his studies more than 30 years. Like any rock star working on proving his astrophysics theories, May is a little spaced out.

His thesis involved proving that the rotation of the earth was affected by the mass of the people on it, particularly women. In other words: fat bottomed girls make the rockin world go ‘round.
In memory of Queen’s lead singer, May wanted a celestial body named after him. From now on, the first planet from the sun will be known as Mercury.



Graco Children’s Products has issued a safety alert regarding certain child car seat models. I didn’t read the story, but based on so many recent recalls, I assume it was made in China, contains lead, and should not be eaten.