“Jersey No-More”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/entertainment/post/2012/08/mtvs-jersey-shore-will-end-after-sixth-season/1#.UD_kHcGPUsc

MTV has announced that the next season of Jersey Shore would be its last.  The reason for its cancellation after 6 seasons is that thanks to the cast, the state of New Jersey has run out of alcohol.

The most painful thing about the end of the series is, instead of referring to Nicole ‘Snooki’ Polizzi,” with the prefix “TV star,” people will have to refer to her by the prefix “Best-selling author.”

Not only do Snooki and J-Woww have their own spin-off anyway, now that Snooki has given birth to her baby, she will be opening her own production company, in her vagina.

Once the series ends, Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino will split his time between product endorsement deals and using his own existence as evidence that evolution is now working backwards. 

Actually, once the show is off the air, the cast drop their TV personas and will resume their real lives: going to college and spending their spare time reading classic literature and discussing philosophy.

“Water Test”

http://travel.usatoday.com/destinations/dispatches/post/2012/06/survey-clean-beaches-national-resources-defense-council/789540/1?csp=hf

The Natural Resources Defense Council’s annual report on beach safety is being released today, naming the worst beaches for pollution and health violations, including beaches in California, Illinois, and Louisiana high on the list.  Still, the most bacteria-infected body of water is the Jersey Shore hot tub.

In California, both Avalon and Doheny State Beach were reported for persistant contamination problems.  Not surprisingly, the number one contributing factor towards water-borne diseases on the beaches of California is the Kardashians.

"Drug Situation"

Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino says that he is addicted to prescription pain killers.  It’s easy to see how he got started, because the only way he could get through his own jokes on the last Comedy Central Roast was to be on a lot of pain meds.

He says he’s addicted to prescription pills.  I didn’t even know you could get a prescription for Ecstasy.

Mike never meant to get addicted to pain pills.  He meant to get addicted to steroids.

"Snooki's Baby?"

http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/celebritology/post/snooki-is-reportedly-pregnant/2012/02/29/gIQAZ7qPiR_blog.html?tid=pm_entertainment_pop

It is rare that The News gives us a gem like this.  This story isn't just a 'jot down a few lines' kind of piece.  

It demands more.  So here are 20 - that's right, 20 - jokes about Snooki being pregnant.

1.       In a disturbing development, Jersey Shore’s Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi is reportedly pregnant.  Snooki is upset because it means she got addicted to coke to lose all that weight for nothing.

2.       J-Woww blacked out several nights over the past couple months, making her think she may be the father.

3.       The father of the baby: the entire state of New Jersey.

4.       Snooki found out she was pregnant by peeing on a test stick, which is normal.  On the other hand, she did so in a nightclub parking lot – which is normal for Snooki.

5.       Snooki began to suspect she might be pregnant when she started feeling nauseous and started vomiting in the morning, right in between her usual drunk barfing and hangover puking.

6.       Unfortunately, Snooki’s idea of caring for her unborn baby is shooting tanning spray up her vagina.

7.       It’s far too soon to know if the baby is a boy or a girl, but we already know Snooki’s having an alcoholic.

8.        Snooki is definitely having a Guido baby.  When she goes to get an ultrasound, the technician smears hair gel on her stomach.

9.       This is really Snooki’s baby.  At a recent doctor’s visit, it was the first time MTV ever had to bleep the audio from an ultrasound.

10.   According to reports on the fetus, it is already the same height as Snooki.

11.   Snooki may decide to go with a natural childbirth.  She says she won’t need an epidural since she’ll be drunk and stoned before she goes to the hospital.

12.   Snooki says she is okay with having sex while pregnant, or as she called it, a 3-way.

13.   Mike “the Situation” Sorrentino is happy about the news, because even compared to running head-first into a solid stone wall, Snooki getting pregnant is stupid.

14.   Snooki plans to breastfeed, because there’s no reason to deny her baby something everyone else had had access to.

15.   Snooki  hopes she is having a girl.  She has cute clothes in mind for both, but if it’s a girl she already knows what tramp stamp the baby is getting.

16.   Little is known about the growing baby so far, except that it seems healthy, and it makes out with both guys and girls.

17.   For baby names, Snooki would like something that sounds familiar, yet comes from deep inside her.  Right now, her 2 top choices are Gonorrhea and Chlamydia.

18.   Jionni LaValle, Snooki’s boyfriend and the presumed father of the baby, doesn’t think he’s the one who got her pregnant, because he says he wasn’t pregnant when they had sex.

19.   Snooki wants the baby to have his or her own reality show, and is already trying to convince cameramen to go up into her coochie.

20.   As a Catholic, Snooki wouldn’t consider abortion as a form of birth control.  But as a skank, she’d do it for the weight loss.

“Smaller Snooki”

Jersey Shore’s Nicole “Snooki” Poizzi has been on a program to lose weight, and looking slimmer than ever, she says she’s down to 107 lbs.   That only leaves 107 to go.

Snooki is happy to have lost so much weight, saying “This is f*cking cool.  I can get sh*t-faced on less booze, now.”

“Snooki’s Booki”

http://books.usatoday.com/bookbuzz/post/2011/07/jersey-shore-party-girl-snooki-to-publish-second-book-in-2012/176767/1

Jersey Shore’s Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi is writing her second book, to be titled Gorilla Beach.  It’s about the time she forgot to shave her legs.

The book will be a novel, rather than a memoir, about romance on the shore.  Snooki’s had too many blackouts to remember any of her many, many sexual trysts.

Snooki is proud of her status as an author, but would be less so if she realized that there were other books in the world besides hers.

“Bear Facts”

http://ph.news.yahoo.com/black-bears-sighted-near-jersey-shore-204540545.html

Police reported that black bears that commonly roam New Jersey’s western hills appeared to have wandered and have been sighted along the Jersey Shore.  Either that or Snooki forgot to shave her back.

It could have been worse.  It could have been Snooki, bare.

The bears have been migrating due to a shrinking habitat.  They bears are adapting to their new surroundings by drinking and working on their tans.

Experts have said that the bears wandered to the Shore looking for either food or a reality show spin-off.

Snookie Says

In a recent interview, Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi said she sometimes gets blackout drunk and wakes up in a garbage can. But that’s what happens when you hook up with a hobo and go back to his place.

And sometimes, when she gets really drunk, she wakes up with a garbage can in her.

“Snooki is Criminally Annoying” or "Legally Bronze"

http://www.usatoday.com/life/people/2010-09-08-snooki-court-appearance_N.htm
Jersey Shore star Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi was fined $500 for disturbing the peace on a New Jersey beach, where she had loudly stumbled around drunk, bumping into people. Based on this precedent, Snooki will now have to pay $500 a day for the rest of her life.

Snooki didn’t seem bothered by the $500 fine until someone told her how much spray-on tan that is.

In court, Snooki was ready to place her hand on a bible and swear.

Other charges were dropped because technically it isn’t a crime to be annoying and stupid.

Other charges were dropped because putting Snooki in jail would be cruel and unusual punishment for the other inmates.

Snooki had thought it was fine to be drunk and annoying, but then, she also thinks she’s a celebrity.