"No Hitter"

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/dailypitch/post/2012/06/roger-clemens-verdict/1#.T9-XRhc192C

Roger Clemons was found not guilty in his perjury trial in Washington, D.C., stemming from his testimony given to Congress in 2008 about using steroids.  Of course, in the official court documents, the words “Not guilty” will be followed by an asterisk.

When the verdict was read, spectators saw Clemons hug family members.  Had he been found guilty, they would have seen ‘roid rage.

Prosecutors really expected a conviction, so Clemons acquittal really threw them a curve.

Because Clemons was a pitcher, he was worried about the government’s “3 strikes” rule.

The government has been upset since the original steroids trials, because without a multi-million-dollar contract, Clemons wasn’t willing to play ball.

"-Rod Rage"

New York Yankees star Alex Rodriguez admitted to using performance-enhancing steroids from 2001 to 2003, when he played for the Texas Rangers. He was very apologetic and admitted he made mistakes, but apparently is content to keep the money.

Rodriguez had denied taking steroids in a 2007 60 Minutes interview. Anabolic steroids are known to affect strength, endurance, and muscle tone. Negative side effects, however, include denial, feigned ignorance, and eventual back-pedaling.

Steroid use can strain the heart and other organs, has been connected to violent emotional outbursts known as “’roid rage,” and inevitably leads to lying to Congress.

Sports Illustrated reported that Rodriguez tested positive for Primobolan and testosterone. Because of this, from now on his nickname will have the hyphen replaced with an asterisk.
It doesn’t look as cool, does it, A*Rod?

Some scientists now speculate that it may be possible that steroids can even be transferred sexually; a theory based solely on Madonna’s biceps.

Professional golf has announced an anti-doping policy, banning steroids and other performance enhancing drugs. Also, no more rocket fuel in the golf carts.

Sure, everyone knows steroids have been a huge problem in golf for years. The worst of it came in the 1982 PGA Tour, when Jack Nicklaus shot a hole in one without using club and then went on a killing spree.

Then there was the U.S. Open, 4 years ago, when Tiger Woods turned his 3 iron into a 9 with his bare hands and then chewed the head of his driver into a putter.

In actuality, there has been evidence of golfers taking performance enhancing drugs. But then again, they may just be cleverly hiding it behind their knickers and white gloves.

The World Golf Foundation, worried that golf may be less exciting without steroid-pumped athletes, has made another rule change that all caddies will be required to be drunk to keep things interesting.