"No Hitter"

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/dailypitch/post/2012/06/roger-clemens-verdict/1#.T9-XRhc192C

Roger Clemons was found not guilty in his perjury trial in Washington, D.C., stemming from his testimony given to Congress in 2008 about using steroids.  Of course, in the official court documents, the words “Not guilty” will be followed by an asterisk.

When the verdict was read, spectators saw Clemons hug family members.  Had he been found guilty, they would have seen ‘roid rage.

Prosecutors really expected a conviction, so Clemons acquittal really threw them a curve.

Because Clemons was a pitcher, he was worried about the government’s “3 strikes” rule.

The government has been upset since the original steroids trials, because without a multi-million-dollar contract, Clemons wasn’t willing to play ball.

“Baby Train”

http://www.usatoday.com/news/nation/story/2012-01-17/mom-birth-train-new-york/52615178/1

A New Jersey woman gave birth to a baby boy on a commuter train to New York Monday.  The train conductor acted fast – he was quick to collect the fare for the extra passenger.

When the mother’s contractions quickened and it became obvious she wasn’t going to make it off the train in time, the father delivered his own baby.  Naturally, both parents’ biggest concern was that the baby not be born in New Jersey.

Once the train stopped, the family was rushed to the hospital, where doctors and administrators scrambled to charge them as much money as possible.

"Gun Bust"

http://www.usatoday.com/news/nation/story/2011-10-25/nypd-gun-smuggling/50916512/1

Five New York City police officers and three retired officers were arrested for smuggling firearms and stolen cigarettes in an FBI sting operation.   The sting went down once the feds had the smoking gun.

After all their years on the job, these policemen Police were determined to find out if crime really doesn’t pay.

These New York cops did one thing that no one else has been able to do in 10 years - make the FBI look good.

“CNN Spits Him Out”

http://www.usatoday.com/life/television/news/2011-07-06-spitzer-cnn_n.htm

CNN has cancelled former New York governor Eliot Spitzer’s show In the Arena due to poor ratings.  In what had obviously been a coin-toss decision, CNN now wishes they had hired Spitzer’s prostitute instead.

Spitzer screwed the network unintentionally, which is why he didn’t have to pay for it.

Spitzer was consistently beaten by Bill O’Reilly.  While he was at his last job, that cost extra.

“Latest in Weiner Coverage”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/onpolitics/post/2011/06/anthony-weiner-sex-scandal-resignation-/1

Congressman Anthony Weiner has resigned from office following his Facebook and Twitter scandal.  Anthony may be back though.  His motto is, you can’t keep a good Weiner down.

Weiner announced his resignation at a senior citizens center, where he had a lot of support.  Which makes sense since fewer senior citizens are on Twitter.

Weiner made a statement and kept it short, making it the first time in a while he felt no need to brag about his length.

Unexpectedly, though there were cameras pointed at him, the Congressman chose to keep his pants on.

“Gay Marriage Bill”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/onpolitics/post/2011/05/bill-clinton-endorses-gay-marriage-in-new-york-/1

Former President Bill Clinton said in a statement released by a gay advocacy organization that he supports gay marriage.  He just doesn’t believe in marriage between straight people.

Clinton believes that two people should be able to have their commitment to one another recognized by the society and the state, even if one of them occasionally wants a little action on the side from an intern.

Obviously Bill Clinton believes in gays marrying, and it’s not just lip service.  He even married a lesbian.

“Impaired Judgment”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/ondeadline/post/2011/03/man-shows-up-to-dwi-hearing-late-drunk-carrying-open-beer/1

A man showed up to his felony DWI pretrial hearing in New York an hour and a half late for court, drunk, and carrying an open beer and 4 more in a bag. Haven’t we heard enough about Charlie Sheen already?

Justice is supposed to be blind, but not blind drunk.

In order that the man is tried by his peers, his lawyer will be looking for a hung-over jury.

“Old Case”

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20110114/ap_on_re_us/us_the_oldfather

In New York, John “Sonny” Franzese, a mob boss and lifetime criminal since the 1930’s, was sentenced on his most recent conviction, for extortion, at the age of 93. He was given 8 years in federal prison, but his hoping to shorten the sentence to ‘life’.

“Non-Pro Posers Throw Blows” or “Emaciated Incarcerated”

In New York, a stampede and near riot broke out late last week among would-be contestants at a cattle call audition for America’s Next Top Model. Interestingly, the story’s inclusion of the words “cattle” and “stampede” has resulted in all the models swearing off all food.

Most models aren’t often involved in such chaos and disorder. Unless, of course, it’s an eating disorder.

Three were arrested and six were injured at the audition. One person was hit with what she thought was a stick, that actually just turned out to be one of the models.

Two of the six injured were taken to the hospital. Several others drove themselves to the hospital, but that was just for more elective plastic surgery.

More people would have been arrested, but there was no way to keep handcuffs on their skinny little wrists.

Sadly, those who were arrested were denied their request to bring a makeup artist for their mug-shots.

Following the incident, Executive Producer and host of America’s Next Top Model Tyra Banks showed genuine concern by encouraging everyone to watch her syndicated daily talk show.

Past contestants were appalled and said the whole incident just made them want to throw up. Which they were planning to do anyway.

No one knows exactly what started the whole melee, but producers expressed their sincere regret that it wasn’t all captured on camera for a highlight reel.