Friday, August 28, 2009

New Business Cleaning Up”

In Texas, a new carwash company called WaterSmart only uses about 6 oz. of a water-based, orange cleaning spray to wash and wipe a car, compared to the many gallons of water used by traditional hose or spray washes. They promise that afterwards, a car’s paint is protected by a special coating called, “dirt.”

Just like a regular carwash, Murphy’s Law says it will rain right after you get a car wash at WaterSmart, but it will just be a light drizzle.

The company has just developed a way to wipe down a car without using any water solution at all. It’s called “mime.”

“New Zoo Por Vous”

The London Zoo’s 3 female gorillas will soon be joined by a male gorilla from a zoo in France. The transition is expected to be smooth, except the French male will have to get used to humans who don’t smell like gorillas.

But he’ll enjoy having his food brought to him without the snooty attitude.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

“Rolling Paper”

Cuban officials are reporting a shortage of toilet paper. The government says supplies should recover by year’s end, but in the meantime, that’s a lot of money down the drain.

As upset as the people of Cuba are, they refuse to cry because they can’t afford to waste the tissues.

Both supply chains affected by hurricanes and economic factors that slowed production have contributed to the current crisis, making it a 2-ply problem.

Until the paper shortage ends, experts predict that a lot of good cigars are going to be unrolled.

Somewhere, supporters of the U.S. embargo are hanging a “Mission Accomplished” banner across a toilet seat.

“Martial Arts & Entertainment”

Steven Seagal is starring in a new reality TV series shot in New Orleans. In the show, the Hard to Kill star is a real deputy police officer on patrol. The show should be called Hard to Watch.

The A&E show is called Steven Seagal: Lawman and the network stresses that Seagal is actually out on patrol; he is not acting. So it that sense, it’s just like his movies.

The trailer promises a lot of action and no scripts. So again, just like his movies.

The trailer explains that Seagal was deputized years ago and went out on patrol whenever he was between films. So it’s safe to say it’s a full-time job now.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

“Old Glory” or “Age Before Beauty”

Contestants are getting ready to compete in the annual Ms. Missouri Nursing Home pageant, a contest for the ladies in residence at 90 nursing homes. In the moments before the winner’s name is called, the contestants wait, hope, and most of all, try to remember their names.

Organizers insist that this is more than a beauty contest. It’s a pottery class scholarship pageant.

One contestant almost had a scandal when topless photos of her showed up on the Internet. No harm done, though. Since the photos only showed her from the waist up, her breasts were out of view.

The biggest difference between this pageant and others is that if you finish first or even second runner-up, you still have a good shot of getting the crown before the year is up.

“The Loss of Edward Kennedy: ‘The Senate is Gonna Be Boring Now.’”

Senator Ted Kennedy died Tuesday at the age of 77. Love or hate him, he was an icon in American politics during his 47 years as U.S. senator. Democrats are hailing him as a hero, and Republicans are trying to look sad so as not to appear insensitive.

Kennedy will be laid to rest at Arlington National Cemetery alongside his brothers, President John F. Kennedy and Attorney General Robert F. Kennedy, and will still be buried before Michael Jackson.

Massachusetts will have a tough time replacing Kennedy, considering his long history, and despite his personal controversies, but they’ll cross that bridge when they get to it.

State buildings will fly their flag at half-mast, in memory of the way Kennedy wore his pants on Cape Cod at weekend parties.

“Toasted Host”

Paula Abdul will be hosting VH1’s Divas, an annual concert event featuring singing performances by top female headliners. It isn’t a competition of any kind, but Paula has already stated that she hopes they can all make it to the finals.

This year’s show will honor Adele, Kelly Clarkson, and Miley Cyrus, among others, all of whom will perform, live on September 17th. Paula is sure that she has enough time to be fully confused and incoherent by then.

“True or False”

Wikipedia, the user-edited online encyclopedic site, is testing new filters to prevent false information from being posted as fact. However, that information came from Wikipedia, so you can’t really trust it.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009


An Arizona science teacher who picked up a McDonald’s breakfast-to-go on his way to school found a live baby scorpion in the bag with his Egg McMuffin. The teacher saw this as a great opportunity to show his students how to demand a refund.

The man wasn’t really scared, but he couldn’t help but Grimace.

The little tan scorpion then raised its tail in a golden arch.

The school was concerned because the sting of a scorpion is almost as serious a health risk as eating an Egg McMuffin.

The manager of the McDonald’s apologized and offered to give the customer whichever he wanted: either a replacement Egg McMuffin, or a replacement scorpion.

This may just have been a marketing stunt for McDonald’s new spicy menu item, the Egg McVenom.

Had the man been stung, it would have been the first assault on a McDonald’s customer since the original, tragic Big Mac Attack.

The customer didn’t want to kill the small arachnid, so he just shook him out of the bag. Then he wanted fries with that shake.

McDonald’s took advantage of the opportunity to address health concerns about its menu, pointing out that no one has ever been stung by a Quarter Pounder with Cheese.

Almost immediately after the incident, Burger King announced its new “free tarantula” promotion.

The 1980’s heavy metal band ‘The Scorpions’ was not interviewed, but, man would they love to be.

Of course, the man would never have wound up with a scorpion in his bag if he hadn’t accepted that bad luck Tiki idol from the Brady Bunch.

Monday, August 24, 2009


I just wanted to thank everyone who came to see the live comedy talk show, It's Getting Late with Markus Kublin, last night at the I.O. West in the Andy Dick Theatre. You made the show an incredible success. Thank you also to the producers of The Comedy Lab Live and my terrific cast.

Friday, August 21, 2009

“Frog Love”

Australian scientists report that traffic noise may be causing the drop in the urban frog population. With males’ croaking sounds drowned out, they have to work a lot harder to attract females, or else they can’t mate. In fact, in desperation, Kermit just bought Miss Piggy an iPhone.

For curious amateur zoologists, the scientific name for amphibians’ preferred copulation method is “froggy style.”

“Lay Him to Rest, Already.”

Michael Jackson’s burial, which was finally set for August 29th, his birthday, has been delayed yet again, now to Sept. 3rd, which is still a special date. It’s the birthday of his 2nd nose.

No official reason was given for the delay, but unofficially Joe Jackson should now be able to have the burial merchandise ready to sell.

“Bare Air”

On Thursday, a man aboard a flight from Oakland to Las Vegas stripped naked after the plane took off, causing the plane to quickly turn around and land back in Oakland. The plane’s landing gear dropped only moments after the passenger’s did.

Is that what it takes to get a flight attendant to give you a blanket nowadays?

Getting naked on a plane full of strangers? Come on, buddy, the friendly skies aren’t THAT friendly.

Crew members took one look at him and told him he should have gate checked his bags.

Even worse, as the man sat in his seat, it became apparent that he was locked into his fully upright position.

The man had to be subdued to keep him from wandering around the plane after he hit one passenger. Luckily, they were able to stow him in the overhead bin.

The flight crew quickly moved him from First Class to the No Class section.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

“In Hot Water”

The national Climatic Data Center reported this week that this summer’s global ocean temperature is the warmest since records began being kept in 1880. How warm is it? They are changing the name of the largest ocean to the Pacific Soup.

Underwater fish are getting a tan.

Dolphins are seeking out hurricanes for the Jacuzzi effect.

When they trap lobsters, they’re already boiled.

Amphibians coming out on land are shrinking when they dry.

At high tide, steam rolls in.

“Law and Orders”

An appeals court ruled Thursday that New York Gov. David Patterson’s appointment of a new Lt. Governor to replace himself was illegal. Patterson assumed office when Eliot Spitzer left over links to a prostitution ring. Law breaking, inside trades, prostitution, heavy traffic in and out… The governor’s office is just like New York itself, isn’t it?

“Emotional Eating”

A themed California donut shop called Psycho Donuts, which sells confections such as “Glazed and Confused,” changed the names of some of its treats at the urging of mental health advocates. For instance, the “Bipolar” is now the “Mood Swing.” Customers were pleased. Then angry. Then pleased again.

But you can't please everybody. The powdered donuts offended cocaine addicts.

Donut holes bothered people who felt empty inside.

The dozen mixed assortment troubled sufferers of multiple personalities.

All the donuts also pissed off fat people who then ate them anyway.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

“Living Long”

The Center for Disease Control says average life expectancy in the United States has risen to an all-time high of age 78. This was seen as great news to everyone except seniors over 79.

Here is California, people living longer is no surprise. The Grim Reaper works for the state so he has to take 3 unpaid days off per month.

“Getting the Run Around”

South African running star Caster Semenya, who won the women’s 800-meter race at the world championship in Berlin Wednesday, is now undergoing tests to prove her gender. Officials became suspicious when Caster competed in the pole vault, empty-handed.

Even if Caster turns out to be male, Germany is known to have pretty relaxed standards when it comes to considering athletes female.

Caster may have been upset and embarrassed and upset by the request, and was seen wiping tears away from her cheeks and beard.

A gynecologist, endocrinologist, psychologist, internal medicine specialist, and gender expert are being called on for an official gender evaluation. While most people are familiar with the other medical specialties, the gender expert can be better described as the official Bulge Checker.

Analysts say the reason for all the blood tests, chromosome checks, and complex interviews is that the international federation is just too shy to throw out a simple, “Drop your pants.”

Obviously a great athlete, Caster said she went out for women’s track and field because she didn’t want to play sports where they were any balls.

As evidence that Caster really is a woman, she loves cat calendars, Oprah, and Sandra Bullock movies.

“Short Story”

Some media sources reported that Michelle Obama wore shorts at the Grand Canyon in Arizona this week. From this they concluded that Arizona might be hot in August.

Media sources not reporting this occurrence instead decided to focus on journalism.

“Painted in a Bad Light”

At a Massachusetts town hall meeting, Congressman Barney Frank rebutted a protestor who had painted an Adolph Hitler moustache on a Barack Obama poster and called his health care plan a Nazi policy. Most upset by the comparison: neo-Nazis.

Frank asked the protestor, “On what planet do you spend most of your time?” You go, girl.

I don’t think the Nazis were even known for health care reform, especially if you were Jewish.

Also, the painted moustache lacked depth, realism, or any emotional connection.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

“What’s Fair is Pharaoh”

Egypt’s Supreme Council of Antiquities is taking measures to protect its treasured 3000 year old pharaohs’ tombs, which have had exposure to humidity and other hazards due to tourist traffic. The United States is planning similar measures to protect Larry King.

“Dog Show”

On Larry King Live Tuesday, A dog trainer from the no-kill animal shelter that took Michael Vick’s 22 former fighting pit bulls said that 20 of them have been rehabilitated and are ready to adopt. And Those 20 happy dogs are really looking forward to eating their new owners.

The other 2 dogs are now so civilized that they plan to find Michael Vick, Hannibal Lector style, and “have an old friend for dinner.”

“Drug Deal”

A medical study on pain relief found that in the first few days after breaking an arm, children responded better to over-the-counter ibuprofen than to acetaminophen with codeine. The hardest part of the study, the doctors said, was breaking all those arms.

There were 244 kids in the study, all of whom owed money to the mob.

The kids on ibuprofen were more likely to play and eat, and had less drowsiness, nausea and other side effects than the kids who got the acetaminophen with codeine. On the other hand, it’s the codeine kids who really know how to party.

Monday, August 17, 2009

“Let Me Lead”

Former Senator Tom DeLay will join the cast of Dancing with the Stars in their new season. DeLay’s partner has already crafted a winning strategy: pose questions about political issues to Tom and then watch him expertly dance around them.

“Charged with Interest”

Federal prosecutors have busted a man who was trying to steal 130 million credit card numbers in the biggest identify theft scam in history. Authorities became suspicious when high ticket purchases were made over the past month by Ed McMahan, Farrah Fawcett, and Michael Jackson.

“Junk your Clunker”

The federal government’s ‘Cash for Clunkers’ program continues to be wildly popular and successful. Here in California, with our out-of-control deficit, Gov. Schwarzenegger still drives his Hummers, but now we can get $4500 just by trading him in.

“Putting the Squeeze On”

A 10-year-old girl who set up a lemonade stand in New York City’s Riverside Square Park was ticketed and fined by an officer from the Parks Department. Though sympathetic to the girl, the Parks Dept. emphasized that her lemonade really sucked.

Angry spectators were described as thirsty.

This same girl may also be connected to an illegal Girl Scout Cookie extortion ring and a dog-walking protection racket.

“Lit Up”

Massive wildfires burning in Santa Barbara County are believed to have been started by marijuana growers who abandoned an outdoor cooking fire. This is highly suspicious on its own, since an open flame isn’t needed for Pop Tarts or Doritos.

Though the dangerous fires are not yet contained, firefighters are optimistic and increasingly mellow.

Firefighters have described the blaze as “bright and pretty,” and the smoke as “intense, a little harsh at first, but the cloud-like puffs make really cool shapes.”

“Drinking Problem”

The American Beverage Association is vocally opposing a suggested tax on soda and other sugar-sweetened drinks said to contribute to obesity. They argue that no matter what the tax is, is won’t work to reduce consumption because Oprah could still afford it.

Friday, August 14, 2009

“Pre-Pubescent Press Core”

President Obama was interviewed Friday by elementary school student Damon Weaver, an 11-year-old reporter. Damon asked tough questions, like how the president’s health care plan would assure any child faced with the opposite sex of getting their cootie shot.

He also wanted to know if foreign trade agreements might include swapping lunches.

The young reporter pressed Obama to extend cash-for-clunkers to trading in Hot Wheels.

The president stopped answering questions at a point, not to censor the press, but to allow for nap time.

“’Squeaky Sentence”

Lynette “Squeaky” Fromme, convicted of attempting to assassinate President Gerald Ford in 1975, was released from prison Friday after serving 33 years of a life sentence. She was paroled once a survey proved no one in America remembers Gerald Ford.

Secret Service stopped Fromme before she was able to take a shot at President Ford, who died in 2006 at the age of 93. So in a way, she still won.

Fromme was a member of Charles Manson’s “family,” but ever since her failed murder attempt on Ford she became an outcast in the family – but only because she failed.

Since Lynette didn’t actually kill anyone, the would-be assassin is actually the sanest member of the “family.”

“Hard Habit to Break”

An armed robber making a get-away on foot was chased down and caught by 2 nuns, who then called 911 and waited for police. Not long after, a couple of black-and-whites showed up.

The robber had a gun and other weapons but was outmatched because the nuns had a ruler.

The nuns reportedly said they even forgave the suspect, though they secretly hope that their husband really punishes him.

The fighting nuns were then stopped by children wanting pictures, having mistaken them for Kung Fu Pandas.

In case there are any other crimes like this in their neighborhood, the nuns are attaching nun-chucks to their rosary beads.

If the robber takes a plea bargain, he may still go to prison, but he’s begging not to be forced into Catholic School.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Smatterings of News for 8/13

“Gown, Baby, Gown”

Police in Colorado are looking for the owner of a dress shop that closed without delivering 51 bridal gowns to the brides who paid for them. When the shop owner is located, all 51 brides will board a school bus to chase her down in a madcap, cross-country adventure starring Cuba Gooding, Jr.

“Fiscal Tools”

France and Germany, Europe’s two biggest economies, have pulled out of their recessions to see growth in the second fiscal quarter of the year. They are also way ahead of America in snootiness and arrogance.

“Under Sold”

Electronics retailer Best Buy accidentally listed a 52-in. flat-screen TV for $9.99 on its website, but once they saw the mistake, they cancelled all orders and posted the correct price of $1,799.99. To sell it at the higher price, they opened a sister website, Worst Buy.

“Cheney vs. Bush”

While Former Vice President Dick Cheney prepares his memoirs for a biography, he has spoken critically of President George Bush for taking less of Cheney’s advice in his 2nd term. For instance, Bush ignored Cheney’s plans to rebuild the Death Star.

“On the Other Hand”

Michael Jackson’s original rhinestone glove is up for auction. The King of Pop wore this left-hand glove in his “Billie Jean” performance on the 1983 Motown 25th Anniversary TV special. No one knows exactly how many sequined gloves Jackson owned, but it was more than enough to make a Blanket.

“Fly Down”

South Carolina’s attorney general wants the state Ethics Commision to probe Gov. Mark Sanford’s personal use of state aircraft. Sanford, who seemed unruffled by the request, just wants to continue his own probing in Argentina.

“Mouse Mouth”

Japanese scientists have successfully grown new teeth in mice. This sounds like a step forward in dentistry, but the scientists next goal is to grow the mice to 600 times their regular size.

“Bizarro World”

A newfound planet 1,000 light years away appears to have the unique property of orbiting the “wrong” way; that is, in the opposite direction of its stars rotation. It’s presumed that the planet is male and refuses to turn around or ask for directions.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

“Having Babies”

A federal report this week confirmed that women are having babies later in life than a generation ago. Average first time births has risen to age 25 in the U.S. and up to 29 in several other industrial countries. These facts are being taken seriously, since they are causing a shortage of young MILFs.

Part of the rise in the average is due to a drop in teen pregnancies. Either that or the pregnant teens are just squeezing the legs together to hold off birth until they are in their mid-twenties.

Births to unmarried women have also increased in the U.S., to 40%, up from18% in 1980. This raises philosophical questions, such as, “Who’s your daddy?”

“Cop Shows”

Police say local “most wanted” TV shows are helping them to catch crime suspects. Viewers call and turn in suspects profiled on the programs. So now, instead of cops being out of the street, they’re at the TV studio refusing to come out of their trailers.

As soon as this news was released, Heidi Montag and Spensor Pratt began a violent crime spree just hoping to get on television.

“Civil Suit”

In France, a Muslim woman was banned from her local public pool for wearing a full-burqa and full-body-covering swimsuit. Yet they don’t find hairy men in a Speedo offensive.

The pool’s policy allows only figure hugging suits and no baggy clothing. Sadly, they don’t even allow a fat-guy-in-a-T-shirt exception.

“An Asteroid Belt”

A National Academy of Sciences report says that although NASA is responsible for spotting asteroids that could pose a threat to Earth, they have not been given funds to find them. In fact, if the Earth is destroyed by an asteroid, several high-ranking NASA officials could be fired.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

“General… Electric”

General Motors says that their Chevy Volt to be released in late 2010 will get 230 miles per gallon in the city. The bad news is: that city is Baghdad.

The only disadvantage is that when you accelerate, all the lights in the house dim.

GM admits the 230 mpg is based on the prototype, which is 3 inches long.

“International Tension”

In Congo, Africa, an audience member asked a visiting Hillary Clinton about what Mr. Clinton thinks about loan contracts between Congo and China, causing Hillary to sharply remind the questioner that she, not Bill, is the Secretary of State. In the questioner’s defense, he said ‘Mr. Clinton’ because he thought Hillary was a man.

Hillary got noticeably emotional and answered the question harshly enough that people then began to mistake her for Joe Biden.

For the record, Bill Clinton does support a Chinese/Congo arrangement, but only if its girl-on-girl and they both got some junk in the trunk.

“Old Money”

Two elderly sisters in Connecticut may be headed to court over a $500,000 lottery jackpot which they wrote a contract to split. One sister is 83, the other is 87. Ladies, do you really need to go to court? I say you both just wait it out; winner take all.

Other family members hope that both sisters will forget the whole thing. Not just the dispute over the winnings, but the money, the lottery, and having a sister.

Monday, August 10, 2009

“Taxi Flyer”

NASA is offering $50 million of federal stimulus money as an award to the U.S. company who submits the best proposal for development of commercial passenger transportation into space. Several large corporations are pursuing it, but Taco Bell is the most likely to get you to blast off.

“Ups and Downs”

Passengers got stuck aboard a roller coaster for hours at Great America in the Santa Clara, CA today, with emergency crews scrambling to get them down. The park insists it is just keeping the promise of their “ride all day” pass.

The coaster turns riders upside down 6 times, but all the stuck passengers were right-side-up. The same could not be said of passengers coming out of the Tunnel of Love ride.

Since the coaster, called “The Inverter,” goes up, down, upside down, and now just stops completely without warning, it’s being renamed “The Economy.”

“Sticking It to Them”

In China, the Communist Party is giving out yellow smiley face stickers in an attempt to pacify citizens and soften social unrest following last month’s ethnic riots, The stickers say, “A smile is the common language of all nationalities,” but they are only for Chinese people.

Though the primary issue is over ethnic riots, somehow no one thought yellow-faced stickers were racist.

The smiley face on the stickers may not calm everyone, and the slogan on the stickers may not bring everyone to harmony, but the L.S.D. probably helps.

“Hanging by a Thread”

The Broadway musical based on Spiderman set to preview in February has suspended work on the New York production pending money problems. If things don’t improve, Peter Parker may have to pimp out Mary Jane.

To get out of their financial jam, producers are currently throwing everything at the wall to see what sticks, and then hangs upside down from it.

Additional financial backers may give Spiderman a leg up, but there’s no word yet on the other 7 legs.

Friday, August 7, 2009

“Paw Prints” or “Kitty a Sick Puppy”

A Florida man accused of downloading child pornography claims that while he away from his computer, his cat jumped on the keyboard and downloaded the images. The cat claims it was just looking for pussy.

Police did check the keyboard for paw-prints.

The man should just have gone to a cat house.

The man was charged possession of child pornography. The cat was charged for licking himself in public.

The cat will also be charged for downloading images of underage kittens.

The cat had also apparently hidden cameras in other cats’ litter boxes.

The cat also has a prior record for molesting a ball of yarn.

“Confirmation Elation”

Sonya Sotomayor was confirmed as a Supreme Court Justice this week, becoming the first Hispanic to do so. A spokesman expressed the Latin American community’s happiness over the historic moment, saying, “Ai ai ai ai ai ai ai ai ai!!!”

“Kenya Refuse Such an Offer?”

A married Kenyan man has offered a bridal dowery of 40 goats and 20 cows to Chelsea Clinton to move to Kenya to become his second wife. Bill Clinton is now trying to negotiate Hillary into the deal.

Bill wants to find out if the cows are actual cows, or just the kind of women he goes for.

“Dust to Dust”

A coroner’s report on the death of TV pitchman Billy Mays says that cocaine was a contributing factor in the heart attack that killed him. The message really hit home: if you use cocaine, you could become a loud, obnoxious commercial whore.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

“In Memoriam”

Film director John Hughes died of a heart attack in Manhattan Thursday at the age of 59. As the director of 1980’s movies such as Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, 16 Candles, and especially The Breakfast Club, Hughes will be remembered as a brain, a princess, an athlete, a basket case, and a criminal.

“Just Scratching the Surface”

Scientists have been able to isolate the cells that cause the sensation of itching and the need to scratch. Appropriately, they are calling them the VH1 Celeb-reality cells.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

“Paula Ab-done”

Paula Abdul announced by Twitter Tuesday night that she would not be returning to American Idol for its 9th season. Insiders say the move makes no sense from a creative or business perspective, proving it was an authentic tweet from Paula.

This is bad news for Simon Cowell, who will now have to flirt with and fondle Randy Jackson during commercials.

For that very reason, this is even worse news for Randy Jackson.

Kara Dioguardi will be returning to the show, since the FOX network found her popular among snarling harpies.


An Iowa 911 call center became the first in the nation to accept emergency text messages. Most of the texts received so far have been for emergency care for victims of strained thumb muscles.

Emergency operators will be able to get text information almost instantly, and then, while the texter waits for help, the operator can send them soothing emoticons.

“Panda Bears a Cub”

The San Diego Zoo’s panda Bai Yun has given birth to her fifth cub. The proud mother is doing well, and is glad she’s not in China, where the law allows only one baby.

This is Bai Yun’s 4th cub fathered by a panda named Gao Gao. Get a room, guys.

The baby weighs only 4 ounces, or about the equivalent of an Olsen twin.

“Police Action”

In a small Wyoming town, police tasered a 76-year-old man for disobeying orders as he drove an antique tractor in a parade. Historians say it’s the first case in Wyoming of anything interesting happening.

The antique tractor incident may be the Wyoming definition of a high-speed police chase.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

“Clinton to the Rescue”

Former President Bill Clinton flew to North Korea Tuesday and apologized on behalf of imprisoned journalists Laura Ling and Euna Lee so Kim Jong-Il would grant them a special pardon. Clinton did this for the obvious reason: a long flight back with two grateful, vulnerable women in a private plane.

Even when Clinton was president, he was a good negotiator, and even better at picking up women.

Clinton wanted to know the specs of the size of the plane's rear section. As everyone knows, he's always interested in a little tail.

“Have your Cake and Eat It, Too”

Tuesday was President Barack Obama’s 48th birthday. In the White House press room, he surprised correspondent Helen Thomas, who shares his birthday, with cupcakes. Those who didn’t get a cupcake turned on Thomas, denying her birthday and demanding she produce a birth certificate.

“In Custody”

It was reported yesterday that Michael Jackson’s mother, Katherine, was officially awarded custody of Michael’s three children. Court records show that Michael’s father Joe Jackson will not take a role raising the children. It’s about time those poor kids caught a break.

However, to be fair, over the last several difficult weeks, Joe has proven to be very caring and giving of attention in the nurturing his record label.

“Wood Glue”

A cheating husband lured to a motel was confronted by his wife and 3 other women who bound and blindfolded him, demanded to know which of them he loved, and super-glued his genitals to his stomach. The man said he was just sad that the women didn’t then engage is a lesbian orgy.

The woman each face criminal charges following the incident, although the victim only considers the demand for love and commitment to be torture.

The man and the super-glue have the same problem: they quickly get hard for anyone.

The super-gluing has resulted in a sexual assault charge, but it may be difficult to make it stick.

In a sad footnote, not having caught the incident on video has made Joey Greico of the TV Show “Cheaters” suicidal.