Catching More of this Week's Stories...

Last Sunday, a woman in a movie theater was stabbed in the neck with a meat thermometer after telling a fellow moviegoer to stop talking on their cell phone. According to the meat thermometer, the woman was already done.


A Santa Monica restaurant called "The Hump" has been accused of illegally selling sushi with whale meat. Fans of the restaurant did their legal defence no favour, standing outside the closed restaurant chanting "We want The Hump back!"


Earlier this week, a Mississippi school system after it cancelled a senior prom to prevent a lesbian student from wearing a tuxedo and bringing a same-sex date. Said a homophobic Mississippian: "If we let girls date girls and wear tuxedo-pants an' such, we might as well change our name from Mississippi to Dude-issippi."


On Thursday. a 55-year-old man broke into a church where he allegedly used the institution’s electronic equipment to watch pornography. The Church's priests were never suspected of having been the ones to view the pornography, because it wasn't gay porn.


A new study shows that kidney donors live as long, on average, as those who have not donated a kidney. The study was meant to reassure all those people who are waking up hung-over and naked, in a bathtub full of ice.


A New York woman who said her botched breast enhancement surgery left her looking like she had four breasts was awarded $3.5 million dollars for pain and suffering. Then she was sold to a dairy farm.


Four U.S. Senators are questioning the near-$1 million compensation for the CEO of the Boys and Girls Clubs of America, a non-profit that receives million in federal funding. Some aren’t surprised about the large sum, as the organization’s logo is a hand-over-fist.


Friday was International Women’s Day. The White House marked the occasion with a speech by Michelle Obama on progress in women’s issues. The rest of the country celebrated with “Two-for-one lap dances.”


A British research study found that women who take the birth control pill live longer than women who don’t. Said a British mother: “Of course women on the pill live longer. They don’t have kids to suck the life out of them day and night.”