Thursday, March 22, 2012

"Landing Pads"

The FAA is taking first steps towards lightening up on the use of electronic devices like tablets and mp3 players on take-offs and landings.  Finally, some good news for Alec Baldwin.

I guess it pays to have Words with Friends in High Places.

"Drug Situation"

Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino says that he is addicted to prescription pain killers.  It’s easy to see how he got started, because the only way he could get through his own jokes on the last Comedy Central Roast was to be on a lot of pain meds.

He says he’s addicted to prescription pills.  I didn’t even know you could get a prescription for Ecstasy.

Mike never meant to get addicted to pain pills.  He meant to get addicted to steroids.

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

"Wendy's Wins"

A food industry research firm reports that Wendy’s has overtaken Burger King as the 2nd biggest hamburger chain in U.S. sales, behind leader McDonald’s.  As a result, Wendy is already demanding to be called “Your Highness.”

Burger King likes to say they sell the best burger, but that is a Whopper.

Needless to say, the Executives at Burger King are broiling.

Now, if Wendy’s slips back, the mood there is expected to be Frosty.

McDonald's is still number 1, despite the fact that for years, the Hamburglar has been robbing them blind.

All three burger chains are trying to not only kill their competition, but to kill all of America. 

Thursday, March 15, 2012

"Not-So-Gentle Giant"

American Idol has disqualified velvety baritone contestant Jermaine Jones for concealing 2 arrests, one involving violence, and giving false names to the police on both occasions.  Idol was upset because the false names he used were Kelly Clarkson and Carrie Underwood.

This isn’t Idol’s first controversy with a contestant who had a criminal history.  For example, there was the season when Taylor Hicks stole the title from Katherine McFee.

Idol producers were concerned that, due to his violent criminal history, if Jermaine got mad he might pick up Ryan Seacrest and use him as a blunt object.

"Lottery Loser"

A jury decided today that a New Jersey lottery winner has to share the $38.5 million won with a pool of 5 co-workers, who purchased 12 tickets together for $2 apiece.  The jury couldn’t do anything, however, about their future awkward silences around the water cooler.

The six men were part of a construction team, and the one who took their collective’s money to bought the tickets had claimed the entire prize as his own in 2009.  His integrity caused the other workers to A. file a lawsuit, and B. go back and check the materials in every construction project he had ever worked on.

At least the attempted lottery swindle proves that he was a jerk even before he became rich.

"American Pi"

Today is “Pi Day,” because it is 3-14, and Pi is approximated as 3.14.  The day was celebrated by math nerds approximating a life.

A tradition has sprung up to bake and eat pie to mark the day.  Just don’t cut that pie in half and then try to exactly calculate the circumference divided by its diameter.

Friday, March 9, 2012

"Pre-flight Freak-out"

An American Airlines flight was delayed before take-off when a flight attendant had a medical episode causing her to start ranting over the PA system that the plane was going to crash.  It got everyone to shut up about the bad food, though.

The flight attendant was quickly taken to the hospital for an emergency evaluation, though thankfully, not by helicopter.

"Hooray for Dick!"

It was announced this week that Dick Van Dyke, age 86, married his make-up artist, Arlene Silver, age 40 on Leap Day.  What’s surprising is not their age difference, but that she married him knowing what he looks like before he gets any make-up put on.

Despite Van Dyke’s age, the Mary Poppins star apparently really knows how to sweep her chimney.

The bride’s parents were a little shocked to find out that their daughter suddenly announced she was now a Dyke.

If the rumor is true that Dick is taking Viagra, it won’t be the ottoman he’s tripping over.

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Meth Lab, Lamborghini, Rush Limbaugh, & Stanford Conviction

                “Antique Crystal”

In Ohio, a nursing home fire and explosion were traced to a homemade meth lab found inside one of the rooms.  Their slogan was “Just like Grandma used to make.”

The residents explained that it was just way more fun than playing bingo.

And cheaper than Viagra.

With the meth lab destroyed, the seniors are going to have to go back to their old hobby: crack.

                “Speed Buggy”

Lamborghini has made a one-of-a-kind Aventtador supercar, with no roof or windshield.  Because it is unique, if you buy it, you are going to get stuck with the floor model.

Like the car itself, any women who want a ride in it should expect to be topless.

It’s the first functioning car built entirely based on a design by Hot Wheels.

With a 700-horsepower, 6.6-liter, 12-cylinder engine, it can go almost 200 miles per hour.  However, no matter how fast you drive it, it can’t make your penis bigger.

Build solely to be “an extreme driving experience,” it has no radio or air-conditioning, although, I’m sure they would install those things for only another hundred thousand dollars.

                “Rush to Conclusions”

After being dropped by several advertisers, Rush Limbaugh apologized for calling law student Sandra Fluke a “slut” and a “prostitute” for advocating for contraception to be covered under health insurance.  Rush said he was sorry he used those two words about Ms. Fluke, and his statement should not in any way be taken to mean he wouldn’t like to get a little piece of that.

Rush implied that Sandra had sex all the time, with anyone, because she wanted birth control to be covered under healthcare plans.  He completely misunderstood how insurance companies screw people.

                “Bank Skank”

Texas financier and former bank owner R. Allen Stanford was convicted Tuesday on 13 out of 14 charges related to a $7.1 billion Ponzi scheme over 20 years, the largest in U.S. history.  Stanford is now considered the Harvard of banking criminals.

Thursday, March 1, 2012

“Hit Maker”

Chris Brown's new album will drop in May.  In pre-sales, It's already beating Rihanna's.

"Mounted Monument?"

A new statue in front of Sarah Palin's hometown high school in Wasilla, Alaska, is causing controversy because snickering students think the two stone shields surrounded by feathers resemble a vagina.  Those who are curious enough to want to see the statue up close just have to take it out on 3 dates or just get it drunk.

But don’t really try to have sex with it, or you’ll be charged with statutory rape.

"Snooki's Baby?"

It is rare that The News gives us a gem like this.  This story isn't just a 'jot down a few lines' kind of piece.  
It demands more.  So here are 20 - that's right, 20 - jokes about Snooki being pregnant.

1.       In a disturbing development, Jersey Shore’s Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi is reportedly pregnant.  Snooki is upset because it means she got addicted to coke to lose all that weight for nothing.

2.       J-Woww blacked out several nights over the past couple months, making her think she may be the father.

3.       The father of the baby: the entire state of New Jersey.

4.       Snooki found out she was pregnant by peeing on a test stick, which is normal.  On the other hand, she did so in a nightclub parking lot – which is normal for Snooki.

5.       Snooki began to suspect she might be pregnant when she started feeling nauseous and started vomiting in the morning, right in between her usual drunk barfing and hangover puking.

6.       Unfortunately, Snooki’s idea of caring for her unborn baby is shooting tanning spray up her vagina.

7.       It’s far too soon to know if the baby is a boy or a girl, but we already know Snooki’s having an alcoholic.

8.        Snooki is definitely having a Guido baby.  When she goes to get an ultrasound, the technician smears hair gel on her stomach.

9.       This is really Snooki’s baby.  At a recent doctor’s visit, it was the first time MTV ever had to bleep the audio from an ultrasound.

10.   According to reports on the fetus, it is already the same height as Snooki.

11.   Snooki may decide to go with a natural childbirth.  She says she won’t need an epidural since she’ll be drunk and stoned before she goes to the hospital.

12.   Snooki says she is okay with having sex while pregnant, or as she called it, a 3-way.

13.   Mike “the Situation” Sorrentino is happy about the news, because even compared to running head-first into a solid stone wall, Snooki getting pregnant is stupid.

14.   Snooki plans to breastfeed, because there’s no reason to deny her baby something everyone else had had access to.

15.   Snooki  hopes she is having a girl.  She has cute clothes in mind for both, but if it’s a girl she already knows what tramp stamp the baby is getting.
16.   Little is known about the growing baby so far, except that it seems healthy, and it makes out with both guys and girls.

17.   For baby names, Snooki would like something that sounds familiar, yet comes from deep inside her.  Right now, her 2 top choices are Gonorrhea and Chlamydia.

18.   Jionni LaValle, Snooki’s boyfriend and the presumed father of the baby, doesn’t think he’s the one who got her pregnant, because he says he wasn’t pregnant when they had sex.

19.   Snooki wants the baby to have his or her own reality show, and is already trying to convince cameramen to go up into her coochie.

20.   As a Catholic, Snooki wouldn’t consider abortion as a form of birth control.  But as a skank, she’d do it for the weight loss.